LIBRARY     ^ 

UNIVERSITY  OF 
CALIFORNIA 
SAN  DIEGO 

— J 


JORROCKS'S 
JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

THE    HUNTING,    SHOOTING,     RACING,     DRIVING,    SAILING, 

EATING,    ECCENTRIC   AND    EXTRAVAGANT   EXPLOITS  OF 

THAT   RKNOVVNEn   SPORTING   CITIZEN,    MR.    JOHN 

JORROCKS  OK  ST.    BOTOLPII    LANE   AND 

GREAT  CORAM  STREET 


r:  s.^'surtees 


WITH    FIFTEEN 

COLOURED    ILLUSTRATIONS 

BY    HENRY    ALKEN 


A   NEW    EDITION 


NEW    YORK 

D    APPLETON    &    COMPANY 
1903 


NOTE 

'T^HIS   Issue  is  founded  on  the  Edition 
published   by   R.   Ackermann  in   the 
year  1843 


''S  -^i  -^  ^ 


CONTENTS 


Swell  and  the  Surrey 

The   YORKSHIREMAN    AN' I)   THE   SURREY 

Surrey  Shooting— Mk.  Jorrocks  in  Trouble 
Mr.  Jorrocks  and  the  Surrey  Stag-Hounds 
The  Turf  :  Mr.  Jorrocks  at  Newmarket 
Aquatics  :  Mr.  Jorrocks  at  Margate 
The  Road  :  English  and  French  . 
Mr.  Jorrocks  in  Paris 
Sporting  in  France  .... 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  Dinner  Party  . 


PAGE 
I 

i8 
42 

63 

So 

106 

136 
170 

195 
216 


LIST    OF   THE   PLATES 

Mr.  Jorrocks  telegraphs  the  Fox       .  .  .  Frontispiece 

Illustrated  Title-page 

The  Appearance  of  Swell  astonishes  the  Surrey 

Hunt To  face  p.      9 

Mr.   Jorrocks    introduces    the    Yorkshireman    to 

the  Surrey  ......  ,,  29 

Squire  Cheatham's  Keeper  attacks   the  Murderer 

of  Old  Tom 52 

Mr.  Jorrocks   declares  his  inability   to    subscribe 

to  the  Surrey  Stag-Hounds  ,  .  .  ,,  70 

The  Baron  "  Vills  his  Wet"      .         .         .         .  ,,  93 

Mr.  Jorrocks    makes   his   Entree  into  the   New- 
market Betting  Ring  ....  »,  97 

<<0    Gentlemen!    Gentlemen!    here's    a    lament- 
able occurrence"  .....  ,)         128 

"Water  I  do  declare— with  worms   in  it"  .  ,,        166 

Mr.     Jorrocks    renounces    the    acquaintance     of 

the  Yorkshireman         .....  ,,        174 

Mr.  Jorrocks  makes  a  Faux  Pas        .         .         .  ,,        185 

Mr.  Jorrocks  beats  the  Baron  for  Speed    .         .  ,,        205 

Mr.  Jorrocks  takes  a  ride  at  St.   Cloud      .  .  ,,        208 

"Lift    Me    Up!    Tie    Me    in    my    Chair!     Fill 

my  Glass" „         240 


JORROCKS'S   JAUNTS   AND 
JOLLITIES 

SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY 

WHAT  true-bred  city  sportsman  has  not  in  his 
day  put  off  the  most  urgent  business — perhaps 
his  marriage,  or  even  the  interment  of  his  rib — that 
he  might  "brave  the  morn  "  with  that  renowned  pack, 
the  Surrey  subscription  fox-hounds?  Lives  there, 
we  would  ask,  a  thorough-bred,  prime,  bang-up,  slap- 
dash, break-neck,  out-and-out  artist,  within  three 
miles  of  the  Monument,  who  has  not  occasionally 
"gone  a  good  un"  with  this  celebrated  pack?  And 
shall  we,  the  bard  of  Eastcheap,  born  all  deeds  of 
daring  to  record,  shall  we,  who  so  oft  have  witnessed 
— nay,  shared — the  hardy  exploits  of  our  fellow  cits, 
shall  we  sit  still,  and  never  cease  the  eternal  twirl  of 
our  dexter  around  our  sinister  thumb,  while  other 
scribes  hand  down  to  future  ages  the  paltry  feats 
of  beardless  Meltonians,  and  try  to  shame  old  Father 
Thames  himself  with  muddy  Whissendine's  foul 
stream  ?  Away  !  thou  vampire,  Indolence,  that  suckest 
the  marrow  of  imagination,  and  fattenest  on  the  cream 
of  idea  ere  yet  it  float  on  the  milk  of  reflection. 
Hence !  slug-begotten  hag,  thy  power  is  gone, — the 
murky  veil  thou'st  drawn  o'er  memory's  sweetest  page 
is  rent ! 

"  Harp  of  Eastcheap,  awake  !" 

Our  thoughts  hark  back  to  the  coverside,  and  our 
heart  o'erflows  with  recollections  of  the   past,  when 
I 


2    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

life  rode  the  pace  through  our  veins,  and  the  bark  of 
the  veriest  mongrel,  or  the  bray  of  the  sorriest 
costermonger's  sorriest  "Jerusalem,"  were  far  more 
musical  sounds  than  Paganini's  pizzicatos  or  Catalini's 
clamorous  caterwaulings. 

And  thou,  Goddess  of  the  Silver  Bow — chaste 
Diana — deign  to  become  the  leading  star  of  our 
lucubrations  ;  come  perch  upon  our  grey  goose-quill : 
shout  in  our  ear  the  maddening  Tally-ho  !  and  ever 
and  anon  give  a  salutary  "  refresher  "  to  our  memory 
with  thy  heaven-wrought  spurs — those  spurs  old 
Vulcan  forged  when  in  his  maddest  mood — whilst  we 
relate  such  feats  of  town-born  youths  and  city  squires, 
as  shall  "harrow  up  the  souls"  of  milk-sop  Melton's 
choicest  sons,  and  "fright  their  grass-galloping  garrons 
from  their  propriety."  But  gently,  Pegasus  !  Here 
again,  boys,  and  "let's  to  business,"  as  they  say  on 
'Change. 

'Twere  almost  needless  to  inform  our  readers,  that 
such  portion  of  a  county  as  is  hunted  by  any  one 
pack  of  hounds  is  technically  denominated  their 
country ;  and  of  all  countries  under  the  sun,  that  of 
the  Surrey  subscription  fox-hounds  undoubtedly  bears 
the  bell.  This  superiority  arises  from  the  peculiar 
nature  of  the  soil — wretched  starvation  stuff  most 
profusely  studded  with  huge  sharp  flints, — the  abund- 
ance of  large  woods,  particularly  on  the  Kent  side, 
and  the  range  of  mountainous  hills  that  run  directly 
through  the  centre,  which  afford  accommodation  to 
the  timid,  and  are  unknown  in  most  counties  and 
unequalled  in  any. 

One  of  the  most  striking  features  in  the  aspect  of 
this  chosen  region  of  fox-hunting,  is  the  quiet,  easy 
manner  in  which  the  sportsmen  take  the  thing.  On 
they  go — now  trotting  gently  over  the  flints — now 
softly  ambling  along  the  grassy  ridge  of  some 
stupendous  hill — now  quietly  following  each  other  in 
long-drawn  files,  like  geese,  through  some  close  and 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  3 

deep  ravine  or  interminable  wood,  which  re-echoes 
to  their  never-ceasing  holloas — every  man  shouting 
in  proportion  to  the  amount  of  his  subscription,  until 
day  is  made  horrible  with  their  yelling.  There  is  no 
pushing,  jostling,  rushing,  cramming,  or  riding  over 
one  another ;  no  jealousy,  discord,  or  daring ;  no 
ridiculous  foolhardy  feats ;  but  each  man  cranes  and 
rides,  and  rides  and  cranes,  in  a  style  that  would 
gladden  the  eyes  of  a  director  of  an  insurance  office. 

The  members  of  the  Surrey  are  the  people  that 
combine  business  with  pleasure,  and  even  in  the 
severest  run  can  find  time  for  sweet  discourse,  and 
talk  about  the  price  of  stocks  or  stockings.  "  Yooi, 
wind  him  there,  good  dog,  yooi,  wind  him." — 
"Cottons  is  fell."— "Hark  to  Cottager!  Hark!" 
— "Take  your  bill  at  three  months,  or  give  you  three- 
and-a-half  discount  for  cash." — "Eu  in  there,  eu  in, 
Cheapside,  good  dog." — "  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,  sir, 
pray !  He  may  be  in  the  empty  casks  behind  the 
cooper's.  Yooi,  try  for  him,  good  bitch.  Yooi,  push 
him  out." — "You're  not  going  down  that  bank,  sure/v, 
sir  ?  Why,  it's  almost  perpendicular !  For  God's 
sake,  sir,  take  care — remember  you  are  not  insured. 
Ah  !  you  had  better  get  off — here,  let  me  hold  your 
nag,  and  when  you're  down  you  can  catch  mine  ; — 
thafs  yo2ir  sort,  but  mind  he  doesn't  break  the  bridle. 
He  won't  run  away,  for  he  knows  I've  got  some  sliced 
carrots  in  my  pocket  to  reward  him  if  he  does  well. — 
Thank  you,  sir,  and  now  for  a  leg  up — there  we  are 
— that s  your  sort — I'll  wait  till  you  are  up  also,  and 
we'll  be  off  together," 

It  is  this  union  of  the  elegant  courtesies  and 
business  of  life  with  the  energetic  sports  of  the  field, 
that  constitutes  the  charm  of  Surrey  hunting ;  and 
who  can  wonder  that  smoked-dried  cits,  pent  up 
all  the  week,  should  gladly  fly  from  their  shops  to 
enjoy  a  day's  sport  on  a  Saturday?  We  must  not, 
however,  omit  to  express  a  hope  that  young  men,  who 


4    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

have  their  way  to  make  in  the  world,  may  not  be  led 
astray  by  its  allurements.  It  is  all  very  well  for  old- 
established  shopkeepers  "  to  do  a  bit  of  pleasure " 
occasionally,  but  the  apprentice  or  journeyman,  who 
understands  his  duties  and  the  tricks  of  his  trade, 
will  never  be  found  capering  in  the  hunting  field. 
He  will  feel  that  his  proper  place  is  behind  the 
counter ;  and  while  his  master  is  away  enjoying  the 
pleasures  of  the  chase,  he  can  prig  as  much  "  pewter  " 
from  the  till  as  will  take  both  himself  and  his 
"woman"  to  Sadler's  Wells  Theatre,  or  any  other 
place  she  may  choose  to  appoint. 

But  to  return  to  the  Surrey.  The  town  of  Croydon, 
nine  miles  from  the  standard  in  Cornhill,  is  the 
general  rendezvous  of  the  gallant  sportsmen.  _  It  is 
the  principal  market  town  in  the  eastern  division  of 
the  county  of  Surrey  ;  and  the  chaw-bacons  who  carry 
the  produce  of  their  acres  to  it,  instead  of  to  the 
neighbouring  village  of  London,  retain  much  of  their 
pristine  barbarity.  The  town  furnishes  an  interest- 
ing scene  on  a  hunting  morning,  particularly  on  a 
Saturday.  At  an  early  hour,  groups  of  grinning  cits 
may  be  seen  pouring  in  from  the  London  side,  some 
on  the  top  of  Cloud's  coaches,  some  in  taxed  carts, 
but  the  greater  number  mounted  on  good  serviceable- 
looking  nags,  of  the  invaluable  species,  calculated  for 
sport  or  business,  "warranted  free  from  vice,  and 
quiet  both  to  ride  and  in  harness  " ;  some  few  there 
are,  who,  with  that  kindness  and  considerate  attention 
which  peculiarly  mark  this  class  of  sportsmen,  having 
tacked  a  buggy  to  their  hunter,  and  given  a  seat  to 
a  friend,  who,  leaning  over  the  back  of  the  gig,  his 
jocund  phiz  turned  towards  his  fidus  Achates,  leads 
his  own  horse  behind,  listening  to  the  discourse  oi 
"  his  ancient,"  or  regaling  him  "  with  sweet  converse  "  ; 
and  thus  they  onward  jog,  until  the  sign  of  the 
Greyhound,  stretching  quite  across  the  main  street, 
greets  their   expectant    optics,  and   seems    to  forbid 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  5 

their  passing  the  open  portal  below.  In  they  wend 
then,  and  having  seen  their  horses  "sorted,"  and  the 
collar  marks  (as  much  as  may  be)  carefully  effaced 
by  the  shrewd  application  of  a  due  quantity  of  grease 
and  lamp  black,  speed  into  "  mine  host,"  and  order 
a  sound  repast  of  the  good  things  of  this  world ;  the 
which  to  discuss,  they  presently  apply  themselves 
with  a  vigour  that  indicates  as  much  a  determination 
to  recruit  fatigue  endured,  as  to  lay  in  a  stock  against 
the  effects  of  future  exertion.  Meanwhile  the  bustle 
increases ;  sportsmen  arrive  by  the  score,  fresh  tables 
are  laid  out,  covered  with  "  no  end  "  of  vivers ;  and 
towards  the  hour  of  nine  may  be  heard  to  perfection 
that  pleasing  assemblage  of  sounds  issuing  from  the 
masticatory  organs  of  a  number  of  men  steadfastly 
and  studiously  employed  in  the  delightful  occupation 
of  preparing  their  mouthfuls  for  deglutition.  "  O  nodes 
cocticcqiie  Dei7?n"  saith  friend  Flaccus.  Oh,  hunting 
breakfasts  !  say  we.  Where  are  now  the  jocund  laugh, 
the  repartee,  the  oft-repeated  tale,  the  last  debate? 
As  our  sporting  contemporary,  the  Quarterly,  said, 
when  describing  the  noiseless  pursuit  of  old  Reynard 
by  the  Quorn  : — "  Reader,  there  is  no  crash  now,  and 
not  much  music."  It  is  the  tinker  that  makes  a 
great  noise  over  a  little  work,  but,  at  the  pace  these 
men  are  eating,  there  is  no  time  for  babbling.  So, 
gentle  lector,  there  is  now  no  leisure  for  bandying 
compliments,  'tis  your  small  eater  alone  who  chatters 
o'er  his  meals ;  your  true-born  sportsman  is  ever  a 
silent  and,  consequently,  an  assiduous  grubber.  True 
it  is  that  occasionally  space  is  found  between  mouth- 
fuls to  vociferate  "waiter  !"  in  a  tone  that  requires 
not  repetition  ;  and  most  sonorously  do  the  throats  of 
the  assembled  eaters  re-echo  the  sound ;  but  this  is 
all — no  useless  exuberance  of  speech ; — no,  the  knife 
or  fork  is  directed  towards  what  is  wanted,  nor  needs 
there  any  more  expressive  intimation  of  the  applicant's 
wants. 


6    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

At  length  the  hour  of  ten  approaches ;  bills  are 
paid,  pocket-pistols  filled,  sandwiches  stowed  away, 
horses  accoutred,  and  our  bevy  straddle  forth  into 
the  town,  to  the  infinite  gratification  of  troops  of  dirty- 
nosed  urchins,  who,  for  the  last  hour,  have  been 
peeping  in  at  the  windows,  impatiently  watching  for 
the  exeunt  of  our  worthies. — They  mount,  and  away — 
trot,  trot, — bump,  bump, — trot, — bump,  bump, — over 
Addington  Heath,  through  the  village  and  up  the 
hill  to  Hayes  Common,  which  having  gained,  spurs 
are  applied,  and  any  slight  degree  of  pursiness  that 
the  good  steeds  may  have  acquired  by  standing  at 
livery  in  Cripplegate,  or  elsewhere,  is  speedily  pumped 
out  of  them  by  a  smart  brush  over  the  turf,  to  the 
Fox,  at  Keston,  where  a  numerous  assemblage  of 
true  sportsmen  patiently  await  the  usual  hour  for 
throwing  off.  At  length  time  being  called,  say  twenty 
minutes  to  eleven,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  Nodding  Homer, 
and  the  principal  subscribers  having  cast  up,  the 
hounds  approach  the  cover.  "  Yooi  in  there  f^  shouts 
Tom  Hill,  who  has  long  hunted  this  crack  pack ; 
and  crack  !  crack  !  crack  !  go  the  whips  of  some  scores 
of  sportsmen.  "  Yelp,  yelp,  yelp,"  howl  the  hounds  ; 
and  in  about  a  quarter  of  an  hour  Tom  has  not 
above  four  or  five  couple  at  his  heels.  This  number 
being  a  trifle,  Tom  runs  his  prad  at  a  gap  in  the  fence 
by  the  woodside ;  the  old  nag  goes  well  at  it,  but 
stops  short  at  the  critical  moment,  and,  instead  of 
taking  the  ditch,  bolts  and  wheels  round.  Tom,  how- 
ever, who  is  "  large  in  the  boiling-pieces,"  as  they  say 
at  Whitechapel,  is  prevented  by  his  weight  from  being 
shaken  out  of  his  saddle ;  and,  being  resolved  to  take 
no  denial,  he  lays  the  crop  of  his  hunting-whip  about 
the  head  of  his  beast,  and  runs  him  at  the  same  spot  a 
second  time,  with  an  obligato  accompaniment  of  his 
spur-rowels,  backed  by  a  "  curm  along,  then  !  "  issued  in 
such  a  tone  as  plainly  informs  his  quadruped  he  is  in 
no  joking  humour.     These  incentives  succeed  in  land- 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  7 

ing  Tom  and  his  nag  in  the  wished-for  spot,  when 
imn:iediately  the  wood  begins  to  resound  with  shouts 
of  "  Yoicks  True-bo-y,  yoicks  True-bo-y,  yoiclcs  push 
him  up,  yoicks  wind  him  ! "  and  the  whole  pack  begin 
to  work  Uke  good  uns.  Occasionally  may  be  heard 
the  howl  of  some  unfortunate  hound  that  has  been 
caught  in  a  fox-trap,  or  taken  in  a  hare-snare ;  and 
not  unfrequently  the  discordant  growls  of  some  three 
or  four  more,  vociferously  quarrelling  over  the  vener- 
able remains  of  some  defunct  rabbit.  "  Oh,  you 
rogues,"  cries  Mr.  Jorrocks,  a  cit  rapturously  fond  of 
the  sport.  After  the  lapse  of  half  an  hour  the  noise 
in  the  wood  for  a  time  increases  audibly.  'Tis  Tom 
chastising  the  gourmands.  Another  quarter  of  an 
hour,  and  a  hound  that  has  finished  his  coney  bone 
slips  out  of  the  wood,  and  takes  a  roll  upon  the 
greensward,  opining,  no  doubt,  that  such  pastime  is 
preferable  to  scratching  his  hide  among  brambles  in 
the  covers.  "  Hounds  have  no  right  to  of  trie,'"  opines 
the  head  whipper-in ;  so  clapping  spurs  into  his  prad, 
he  begins  to  pursue  the  delinquent  round  the  common, 
with  "  Markis,  Markis !  what  are  you  at,  Markis  ? 
Get  into  cover,  Markis  !  "  But  "  it's  no  go  "  ;  Marquis 
creeps  through  a  hedge,  and  "  grins  horribly  a  ghastly 
smile"  at  his  ruthless  tormentor,  who  wends  back, 
well  pleased  at  having  had  an  excuse  for  taking  "  a  bit 
gallop  "  !  Half  an  hour  more  slips  away,  and  some 
of  the  least  hasty  of  our  cits  begin  to  wax  impatient 
in  spite  of  the  oft-repeated  admonition,  ^^  don't  be  in  a 
hurry  I "  At  length  a  yokel  pops  out  of  the  cover,  and 
as  soon  as  he  has  recovered  breath,  informs  the  field 
that  he  has  been  "a  hoUorin'  to  'em  for  half  an  hour," 
and  that  the  fox  had  "gone  away  for  Tatsfield,  'most 
as  soon  as  ever  the  'oounds  went  into  'ood." 

All  is  now  hurry-scurry, — girths  are  tightened, — 
reins  gathered  up, — half-munched  sandwiches  thrust 
into  the  mouth, — pocket-pistols  applied  to, — coats 
comfortably  buttoned  up  to  the  throat;  and,   these 


8    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

preparations  made,  away  goes  the  whole  field, 
"coolly  and  fairly,"  along  the  road  to  Leaves  Green 
and  Crown  Ash  Hill, — from  which  latter  spot,  the 
operations  of  the  pack  in  the  bottom  may  be  com- 
fortably and  securely  viewed, — leaving  the  whips  to 
flog  as  many  hounds  out  of  cover  as  they  can,  and 
Tom  to  entice  as  many  more  as  are  willing  to  follow 
the  "  twang,  twang,  twang  "  of  his  horn. 

And  now,  a  sufficient  number  of  hounds  having 
been  seduced  from  the  wood,  forth  sallies  "Tummas," 
and  making  straight  for  the  spot  where  our  yokel's 
"  mate "  stands  leaning  on  his  plough-stilts,  obtains 
from  him  the  exact  latitude  and  longitude  of  the  spot 
where  Reynard  broke  through  the  hedge.  To  this 
identical  place  is  the  pack  forthwith  led ;  and,  no 
sooner  have  they  reached  it,  than  the  wagging  of  their 
sterns  clearly  shows  how  genuine  is  their  breed.  Old 
Strumpet,  at  length,  first  looking  up  in  Tom's  face  for 
applause,  ventures  to  send  forth  a  long-drawn  howl, 
which,  coupled  with  Tom's  screech,  setting  the  rest 
agog,  away  they  all  go,  like  beans ;  and  the  wind, 
fortunately  setting  towards  Westerham,  bears  the 
melodious  sound  to  the  delighted  ears  of  our 
"roadsters,"  who,  forthwith  catching  the  infection, 
respond  with  deafening  shouts,  and  joyous  yells,  set 
to  every  key,  and  disdaining  the  laws  of  harmony. 
Thus,  what  with  Tom's  horn,  the  halloaing  of  the 
whips,  and  the  shouts  of  the  riders,  a  very  pretty 
notion  may  be  formed  of  what  Virgil  calls — 

"  Clamorque  virum  clangorque  tubarum  " — 

A  terrible  noise  is  the  result ! 

At  the  end  of  nine  minutes  or  so,  the  hounds 
come  to  fault  in  the  bottom,  below  the  blacksmith's  at 
Crown  Ash  Hill,  and  the  fox  has  a  capital  chance ;  in 
fact,  they  have  changed  for  the  blacksmith's  tom  cat, 
which  rushed  out  before  them,  and,  finding  their 
mistake,  return  at  their  leisure.     This  gives  the  most 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  9 

daring  of  the  field,  on  the  eminence,  an  opportunity 
of  descending  to  view  the  sport  more  closely ;  and 
being  assembled  in  the  bottom,  each  congratulates 
his  neighbour  on  the  excellent  condition  and  staunch- 
ness of  the  hounds,  and  the  admirable  view  that  has 
been  afforded  them  of  their  peculiar  style  of  hunting. 
At  this  interesting  period,  a  "  regular  swell "  from 
Melton  Mowbray,  unknown  to  everyone  except  his 
tailor,  to  whom  he  owes  a  long  tick,  makes  his  appear- 
ance and  affords  abundance  of  merriment  for  our 
sportsmen.  He  is  just  turned  out  of  the  hands  of 
his  valet,  and  presents  the  very  bemi  ideal  of  his  caste 
— "  quite  the  lady,"  in  fact.  His  hat  is  stuck  on  one 
side,  displaying  a  profusion  of  well-waxed  ringlets ; 
a  corresponding  infinity  of  whisker,  terminating  at  the 
chin,  there  joins  an  enormous  pair  of  moustaches, 
which  give  him  the  appearance  of  having  caught  the 
fox  himself  and  stuck  its  brush  below  his  nose.  His 
neck  is  very  stiff;  and  the  exact  Jackson-like  fit  of 
his  coat,  which  almost  nips  him  in  two  at  the  waist,, 
and  his  superlatively  well-cleaned  leather  Andersons,^ 
together  with  the  perfume  and  the  general  puppyism 
of  his  appearance,  proclaim  that  he  is  a  "  swell "  of 
the  very  first  water,  and  one  that  a  Surrey  sportsman 
would  like  to  buy  at  his  own  price  and  sell  at  the 
other's.  In  addition  to  this,  his  boots,  which  his 
"  fellow  "  has  just  denuded  from  a  pair  of  wash-leather 
covers,  are  of  the  finest,  brightest,  blackest  patent 
leather  imaginable ;  the  left  one  being  the  identical  boot 
by  which  Warren's  monkey  shaved  himself,  while  the 
right  is  the  one  at  which  the  game-cock  pecked,  mis- 
taking its  own  shadow  for  an  opponent,  the  mark  of 
its  bill  being  still  visible  above  the  instep ;  and  the 
tops — whose  pampered  appetites  have  been  fed  on 
champagne — are  of  the  most  delicate  cream-colour, 

'  Anderson,  of  South  Audley  Street,  is  considered  to  be  the 
only  man  capable  of  cutting  "unmentionables"  worthy  the 
wear  of  a  gentleman. 


lo     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  whole  devoid  of  mud  or  speck.  The  animal  he 
bestrides  is  no  less  calculated  than  himself  to  excite 
the  risible  faculties  of  the  field,  being  a  sort  of  mouse 
colour,  with  dun  mane  and  tail,  got  by  Nicolo,  out 
of  a  Flibbertygibbet  mare,  and  he  stands  seventeen 
hands  and  an  inch.  His  head  is  small  and  blood- 
like, his  girth  a  mere  trifle,  and  his  legs,  very  long 
and  spidery,  of  course  without  any  hair  at  the 
pasterns  to  protect  them  from  the  flints ;  his  whole 
appearance  bespeaking  him  fitter  to  run  for  half-mile 
hunters'  stakes  at  Croxton  Park  or  Leicester,  than 
contend  for  foxes'  brushes  in  such  a  splendid  country 
as  the  Surrey.  There  he  stands,  with  his  tail  stuck 
tight  between  his  legs,  shivering  and  shaking  for  all 
the  world  as  if  troubled  with  a  fit  of  ague.  And  well 
he  may,  poor  beast,  for — oh,  men  of  Surrey,  London, 
Kent,  and  Middlesex,  hearken  to  my  word — on  closer 
inspection  he  proves  to  have  been  shaved  ! ! !  ^ 

After  a  considerable  time  spent  in  casting  to  the 
right,  the  left,  and  the  rear,  "True-^<?«v"  chances  to 
take  a  fling  in  advance,  and,  hitting  upon  the  scent, 
proclaims  it  with  his  wonted  energy,  which  drawing 
all  his  brethren  to  the  spot,  they  pick  it  slowly  over 
some  brick-fields  and  flint-beds,  to  an  old  lady's 
flower-garden,  through  which  they  carry  it  with  a 
surprising  head  into  the  fields  beyond,  when  they 
begin  to  fall  into  line,  and  the  sportsmen  doing  the 
same — "one  at  a  time,  and  it  will  last  the  longer" — 
"  Tummas "  tootles  his  horn,  the  hunt  is  up,  and 
away  they  all  rattle  at  "Parliament  pace,"  as  the 
hackney-coachmen  say. 

Our  swell,  who  flatters  himself  he  can  "ride  a  few," 
according  to  the  fashion  of  his  country,  takes  up  a 
line  of  his  own,  abreast  of  the  leading  hounds, 
notwithstanding  the  oft-vociferated  cry  of  "  Hold 
hard,  sir!"     ''Fray,  hold  hard,  sir!"     "For  God's 

'  Shaving  was  in  great  vogue  at  Melton  some  seasons  back. 
It  was  succeeded  by  clipping,  and  clipping  by  singeing. 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  ii 

sake,  hold  hard,  sir  !  "  "  G — d  d — n  you,  hold  hard, 
sir!"  "Where  the  h — //are  you  going  to,  sir?"  and 
other  famihar  incjuiries  and  benedictions,  with  which 
a  stranger  is  sometimes  greeted,  who  ventures  to  take 
a  look  at  a  strange  pack  of  hounds. 

In  the  meantime  the  fox,  who  had  often  had  a 
game  at  romps  with  his  pursuers,  being  resolved  this 
time  to  give  them  a  tickler,  bears  straight  away  for 
Westerham,  to  the  infinite  satisfaction  of  the  "  hill 
folks,"  who  thus  have  an  excellent  opportunity  of 
seeing  the  run  without  putting  their  horses  to  the 
trouble  of  "rejoicing  in  their  strength,  or  pawing  in 
the  valley."  But  who  is  so  fortunate  as  to  be  near 
the  scene  of  action  in  this  second  scurry,  almost  as 
fast  as  the  first?  Our  fancy  supplies  us,  and  there 
not  being  many,  we  will  just  initialise  them  all,  and 
let  him  whom  the  cap  fits  put  it  on. 

If  we  look  to  the  left,  nearly  abreast  of  the  three 
couple  of  hounds  that  are  leading  by  some  half  mile 
or  so,  we  shall  see  "  Swell " — like  a  monkey  on  a 
giraffe — striding  away  in  the  true  Leicestershire  style ; 
the  animal  contracting  its  stride  after  every  exertion 
in  pulling  its  long  legs  out  of  the  deep  and  clayey 
soil,  until  the  Bromley  barber,  who  has  been  quilting 
his  mule  along  at  a  fearful  rate,  and  in  high  dudgeon 
at  anyone  presuming  to  exercise  his  profession  upon 
a  dumb  brute,  overtakes  him,  and  in  the  endeavour 
to  pass,  lays  it  into  his  mule  in  a  style  that  would 
insure  him  rotatory  occupation  at  Brixton  for  his 
spindles,  should  any  member  of  the  Society  for  the 
Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Animals  witness  his 
proceedings ;  while  his  friend  and  neighbour  old  B., 
the  tinker,  plies  his  little  mare  with  the  Brummagems, 
to  be  ready  to  ride  over  "  Swell "  the  instant  the 
barber  gets  him  down.  On  the  right  of  the  leading 
hounds  are  three  crack  members  of  the  Surrey, 
Messrs.  B — e,  S — bs,  and  B — 1,  all  lads  who  can  go  ; 
while  a  long  way  in  the  rear  of  the  body  of  the  pack 


12     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

are  some   dozen,  who,  while  they  sat  on   the   hills, 
thought  they  could  also,  but  who  now  find  out  their 
mistake.     Down  Windy  Lane,  a  glimpse  of  a  few  red 
coats  may  be  caught  passing  the  gaps  and  weak  parts 
of  the  fence,  among  whom  we  distinctly  recognize  the 
worthy   master   of  the   pack,    followed   by  Jorrocks, 
with  his  long  coat   laps  floating  in  the  breeze,  who 
thinking  that  "  catching-time  "  must  be  near  at  hand, 
and  being  dearly  fond  of  blood,  has  descended  from 
his  high  station  to    witness  the  close   of  the  scene. 
"  Vot  a  pace  !  and  vot  a  country  !  "  cries  the  grocer, 
standing  high  in  his  stirrups,  and  bending  over  the 
neck  of  his  chestnut  as  though  he  were  meditating  a 
plunge  over  his  head ;  "  how  they  stick  to  him  !  vot 
a   pack !  by   Jove,   they   are   at   fault  again.     Yooi, 
Pilgrim  !     Yooi,  Warbler,  ma  load !  (lad).     Tom,  try 
down   the   hedge-row."     "Hold   your  jaw,    Mr.  J.," 
cries  Tom,  "you  are  always  throwing  that  red  rag  of 
yours.     I  wish  you  would  keep  your  potato-trap  shut. 
See  !  you've  made  every  hound  throw  up,  and  it's  ten 
to  one  that  ne'er  a  one  among  'em  will  stoop  again." 
"  K?//der  he  goes,"  cries  a  cock  of  the  old  school,  who 
used  to  hunt  with  Colonel  JoUiffe's  hounds,  and  still 
sports  the  long  blue  surtout  lined  with  orange,  yellow- 
ochre  unmentionables,  and  mahogany-coloured  knee- 
caps, with  mother-of-pearl  buttons.     "  yb«der  he  goes 
among  the  ship  (sheep),  for  a  thousand  !  see  how  the 
skulking  waggabone  makes  them  scamper."     At  this 
particular  moment  a  shrill  scream  is  heard  at  the  far 
end  of  a  long  shaw,  and  every  man  pushes  on  to  the 
best  of  his   endeavour.     "Holloo   o-o-u,  Kloo  o-o-u, 
h'loo,  o-o-u,  gone  away  !  gone  away  !  ioxrard !  forrard ! 
hark  back  !  hark  forrard !  hark  forrard !  hark  back  ! " 
resounds  from  every  mouth.     "  He's  making  for  the 
'oods  beyond   Addington,  and  we  shall  have  a  rare 
teaser  up   these  hills,"   cries  Jorrocks,  throwing   his 
arms  round  his  horse's  neck  as  he  reaches  the  foot  of 
them.      "D— n   your   hills,"    cries    "Swell,"   as    he 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  13 

suddenly  finds  himself  sitting  on  the  hind  quarters  of 
his  horse,  his  saddle  having  slipped  back  for  want  of 
the  hunting  martingal  ^ ;  "  I  wish  the  hills  had  been 
piled  on  your  back,  and  the  flints  thrust  down  your 
confounded  throat,  before  I  came  into  such  a  cursed 
provincial."  "  Haw,  haw,  haw ! "  roars  a  Croydon 
butcher, — "what,  don't  'e  like  it,  sir,  eh?  too  sharp 
to  be  pleasant,  eh? — Your  nag  should  have  put  on 
his  boots  before  he  showed  among  //i-." 

"  He's  making  straight  for  Fuller's  Farm,"  exclaims 
a  thirsty  veteran  on  reaching  the  top,  "and  Fll  pull 
up  and  have  a  nip  of  ale,  please  God."  "  Hang  your 
ale,"  cries  a  certain  sporting  cheesemonger,  "  you  had 
better  come  out  with  a  barrel  of  it  tacked  to  your 
horse's  tail." — "Or  'unt  on  a  steam  engine,"  adds  his 
friend  the  omnibus  proprietor,  "and  then  you  can 
brew  as  you  go."  "We  shall  have  the  Croydon 
Canal,"  cries  Mr.  H — n,  of  Tottenham,  who  knows 
every  flint  in  the  country,  "and  how  will  you  like  that, 
my  hearties?"  "Curse  the  Croydon  Canal,"  bawls 
the  little  Bromley  barber,  "my  mule  can  swim  like  a 
soap-bladder,  and  my  toggery  can't  spoil,  thank  God ! " 

The  prophecy  turns  up.  Having  skirted  Fuller's 
Farm,  the  villain  finds  no  place  to  hide ;  and  in  two 
minutes  or  less,  the  canal  appears  in  view.  It  is  full 
of  craft,  and  the  locks  are  open,  but  there  is  a  bridge 
about  half  a  mile  to  the  right.  "  If  my  horse  can  do 
nothing  else  he  can  jump  -  this,"  cries  Swell,  as  he 
gathers  him  together,  and  prepares  for  the  effort. 
He  hardens  his  heart  and  goes  at  it  full  tilt,  and  the 
leggy  animal  lands  him  three  yards  on  the  other  side. 
"Curse  this  fellow,"  cries  Jorrocks,  grinning  with 
rage  as  he  sees  "Swell"  skimming  through  the  air 
like  a  swallow  on  a  summer's  eve,  "  he'll  have  a  laugh 
at  the  Surrey  for  ever  and  ever.  Amen.     Oh  dear ! 

^  Hunting  martingale. 

2  "Jumping"  is  Leicestershire  for  leaping — leaping  provincial 
for  jumping. 


14     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

oh  dear !  I  wish  I  dursl  leap  it.  What  shall  I  do  ? 
Here,  Bari^^i?,"  cries  he  to  a  bargeman,  "lend  us  a 
help  over,  and  I'll  give  you  ninepence."  The  barge- 
man takes  him  at  his  word,  and  getting  the  vessel 
close  to  the  water's  edge,  Jorrocks  has  nothing  to  do 
but  ride  in,  and  the  opposite  bank  being  accom- 
modating, he  lands  without  difficulty.  Ramming 
his  spurs  into  his  nag,  he  now  starts  after  "Swell," 
who  is  sailing  away  with  a  few  couple  of  hounds  that 
took  the  canal ;  the  body  of  the  pack  and  all  the  rest 
of  the  field — except  the  Bromley  barber,  who  is  now 
floundering  in  the  water — having  gone  round  to  the 
bridge. 

The  country  is  open,  the  line  being  across 
commons  and  along  roads,  so  that  Jorrocks,  who  is 
not  afraid  of  "the  pace"  so  long  as  there  is  no 
leaping,  has  a  pretty  good  chance  with  "Swell." 
The  scene  now  shifts.  On  turning  out  of  a  lane, 
along  which  they  have  just  rattled,  a  fence  of  this 
description  appears  :  the  bottom  part  is  made  of  flints, 
and  the  upper  part  of  mud,  with  gorse  stuck  along 
the  top,  and  there  is  a  gutter  on  each  side.  Jorrocks, 
seeing  that  a  leap  is  likely,  hangs  astern,  and  "  Swell," 
thinking  to  shake  off  his  only  opponent,  and  to  have 
a  rare  laugh  at  the  Surrey  when  he  gets  back  to 
Melton,  puts  his  nag  at  it  most  manfully,  who, 
though  somewhat  blown,  manages  to  get  his  long 
carcass  over,  but,  unfortunately  alighting  on  a  bed  of 
flints  on  the  far  side,  cuts  a  back  sinew,  and  "  Swell " 
measures  his  length  on  the  head-land.  Jorrocks  then 
pulls  up. 

The  tragedy  of  George  Barnwell  ends  with  a  death, 
and  we  are  happy  in  being  able  to  gratify  our  readers 
with  a  similar  entertainment.  Already  have  the  best- 
mounted  men  in  the  field  attained  the  summit  of  one 
of  the  Mont  Blancs  of  the  country,  when,  on  looking 
down  the  other  side  of  the  "  mountain's  brow,"  they, 
to  their  infinite  astonishment,  espy  at  some  distance 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  15 

our  "Swell"  dismounted  and  playing  at  "pull-devil, 
pull  baker,"  with  the  hounds,  whose  discordant 
bickerings  rend  the  skies.  "  Whoo-hoop  t "  cries  one  ; 
'■' whoo-hoop  I ''  responds  another;  '■'■  ivhoo-Jwop  I '^ 
screams  a  third;  and  the  contagion  spreading  and 
each  man  dismounting,  they  descend  the  hill  with 
due  caution,  whoo-hooping,  hallooing,  and  congratu- 
lating each  other  on  the  splendour  of  the  run,  inter- 
spersed with  divers  surmises  as  to  what  mighty  magic 
had  aided  the  hounds  in  getting  on  such  good  terms 
with  the  warmint;  and  exclamations  at  the  good 
fortune  of  the  stranger,  in  being  able  (by  nicking,^ 
and  the  fox  changing  his  line)  to  get  in  at  the 
finish. 

And  now  some  dozens  of  sportsmen,  quietly 
ambling  up  to  the  scene  of  action,  view  with  delight 
(alone  equalled  by  their  wonder  at  so  unusual  and 
unexpected  an  event)  the  quarrels  of  the  hounds,  as 
they  dispute  with  each  other  the  possession  of  their 
victim's  remains,  when  suddenly  a  gentleman,  clad  in 
a  bright  green  silk-velvet  shooting  coat,  with  white 
leathers,  and  Hessian  boots  with  large  tassels,  carrying 
his  Joe  Manton  on  his  shoulder,  issues  from  an  ad- 
joining coppice,  and  commences  a  loud  complaint  of 
the  "  unhandsome  conduct  of  the  gentlemen's  'ounds 
in  devouring  the  'are  (hare)  which  he  had  taken  so 
much  pains  to  shoot."  Scarcely  are  these  words  out 
of  his  mouth  than  the  whole  hunt,  from  Jorrocks 
downwards,  let  drive  such  a  rich  torrent  of  abuse  at 
our  unfortunate  chasseur,  that  he  is  fain  to  betake 
himself  to  his  heels,  leaving  them  undisputed  masters 
of  the  field. 

The  visages  of  our  sportsmen  become  dismally 
lengthened  on  finding  that  their  fox  has  been 
"  gathered  unto  his  fathers  "  by  means  of  hot  lead  and 
that  villainous  saltpetre  "  digged  out  of  the  bowels  of 

1  A  stranger  never  rides  straight  if  he  beats  the  members  of 
the  hunt. 


i6     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  harmless  earth  " ;  some  few,  indeed,  there  are,  who 
are  bold  enough  to  declare  that  the  pack  has  actually 
made  a  meal  of  a  hare,  and  that  their  fox  is  snugly 
earthed  in  the  neighbouring  cover.  However,  as 
there  are  no  "  relliquias  Dajiaum,^^  to  prove  or  disprove 
this  assertion,  Tom  Hill,  having  an  eye  to  the  cap- 
money,  ventures  to  give  it  as  his  opinion,  that  pug 
has  fairly  yielded  to  his  invincible  pursuers,  without 
having  "dropped  to  shot."  This  appearing  to  give 
very  general  satisfaction,  the  first  whip  makes  no 
scruple  of  swearing  that  he  saw  the  hounds  pull  htm 
down  fairly ;  and  Peckham,  drawing  his  mouth  up  on 
one  side,  with  his  usual  intellectual  grin,  takes  a 
similar  affidavit.  The  Bromley  barber  too,  anxious  to 
have  it  to  say  that  he  has  for  once  been  in  at  the 
death  of  a  fox,  vows  by  his  beard  that  he  saw  the 
"  varmint "  lathered  in  style ;  and  these  protestations 
being  received  with  clamorous  applause,  and  every- 
one being  pleased  to  have  so  unusual  an  event  to 
record  to  his  admiring  spouse,  agrees  that  a  fox  has 
not  only  been  killed,  but  killed  in  a  most  sportsman- 
like, workman-like,  business-like  manner;  and  long 
and  loud  are  the  congratulations,  great  is  the  in- 
creased importance  of  each  man's  physiognomy, 
and  thereupon  they  all  lug  out  their  half-crowns  for 
Tom  Hill. 

In  the  meantime  our  "  Swell "  lays  hold  of  his  nag — 
who  is  sorely  damaged  with  the  flints,  and  whose  wind 
has  been  pretty  well  pumped  out  of  him  by  the  hills — 
and  proceeds  to  lead  him  back  to  Croydon,  inwardly 
promising  himself  for  the  future  most  studiously  to 
avoid  the  renowned  county  of  Surrey,  its  woods,  its 
barbers,  its  mountains,  and  its  flints,  and  to  leave 
more  daring  spirits  to  overcome  the  difficulties  it 
presents  ;  most  religiously  resolving,  at  the  same  time, 
to  return  as  speedily  as  possible  to  his  dear  Leicester- 
shire, there  to  amble  o'er  the  turf,  and  fancy  himself 
an  "angel  on  horseback."     The  story  of  the  country 


SWELL  AND  THE  SURREY  17 

mouse,  who  must  needs  see  the  town,  occurs  forcibly 
to  his  recollection,  and  he  exclaims  aloud — 

"me  sylva,  cavusque 
Tutus  ab  insidiis  tenui  solabitur  ervo," 

on  overhearing  which,  Mr.  Jorrocks  hurries  back  to 
his  brother  subscribers,  and  informs  them,  very 
gravely,  that  the  stranger  is  no  less  a  personage  than 
"  Prince  Matuchevitz,  the  Russian  ambassador  and 
minister  plenipotentiary  extraordinary,"  whereupon 
the  whole  field  join  in  wishing  him  safe  back  in  Russia 
— or  atiywhere  else — and  wonder  at  his  incredible 
assurance  in  supposing  that  he  could  cope  with 

The  Surrey  Hunt. 


THE  YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE 
SURREY 

IT  is  an  axiom  among  fox-hunters  that  the  hounds 
they  individually  hunt  with  are  the  best  — 
compared  with  them  all  others  are  "  slmv." 

Of  this  species  of  pardonable  egotism,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
— who  in  addition  to  the  conspicuous  place  he  holds 
in  the  Surrey  Hunt,  as  shown  in  the  preceding 
chapter,  we  should  introduce  to  our  readers  as  a 
substantial  grocer  in  St.  Botolph's  Lane,  with  an 
elegant  residence  in  Great  Coram  Street,  Russell 
Square — has  his  full,  if  not  rather  more  than  his  fair 
share.  Vanity,  however,  is  never  satisfied  without 
display,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  longed  for  a  customer 
before  whom  he  could  exhibit  the  prowess  of  his"^ 
pack. 

Chance  threw  in  his  way  a  young  Yorkshireman 
who,  frequently  appearing  in  subsequent  pages,  we 
may  introduce  as  a  looseish  sort  of  hand,  up  to  any- 
thing in  the  way  of  a  lark,  but  rather  deficient  in  cash 
— a  character  so  common  in  London  as  to  render 
further  description  needless. 

Now  it  is  well  known  that  a  Yorkshireman,  like  a 
dragoon,  is  nothing  without  his  horse,  and  if  he  does 
understand  anything  better  than  racing — it  is  hunting. 
Our  readers  will  therefore  readily  conceive  that  a 
Yorkshireman  is  more  likely  to  be  astonished  at  the 

'  Subscribers,  speaking  to  strangers,  always  talk  of  the  hounds 
as  their  own. 

18 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  19 

possibility  of  fox-hunting  from  London,  than  capti- 
vated by  the  country,  or  style  of  turn-out ;  and  in 
truth,  looking  at  it  calmly  and  dispassionately,  in  our 
easy-chair  drawn  to  a  window,  which  overlooks  the 
cream  of  the  grazing  grounds  in  the  Vale  of  White- 
horse,  it  does  strike  us  with  astonishment,  that  such 
a  thing  as  a  fox  should  be  found  within  a  day's  ride 
of  the  suburbs.  The  very  idea  seems  preposterous, 
for  one  cannot  but  associate  the  charms  of  a  "  find  " 
with  the  horrors  of  "  going  to  ground  "  in  an  omnibus, 
or  the  fox  being  headed  by  a  great  Dr.  Eady  placard, 
or  some  such  monstrosity.  Mr.  Mayne,^  to  be  sure, 
has  brought  racing  home  to  every  man's  door,  but 
fox-hunting  is  not  quite  so  tractable  a  sport.  But  to 
our  story. 

It  was  on  a  nasty,  cold,  foggy,  dark  drizzling 
morning  in  the  month  of  February  that  the 
Yorkshireman,  having  been  offered  a  "mount"  by 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  found  himself  shivering  under  the 
Piazza  in  Covent  Garden  about  seven  o'clock, 
surrounded  by  cabs,  cabbages,  carrots,  ducks,  dollys, 
and  drabs  of  all  sorts,  waiting  for  his  horse  and  the 
appearance  of  the  friend  who  had  seduced  him  into 
the  extraordinary  predicament  of  attiring  himself  in 
top-boots  and  breeches  in  London.  After  pacing  up 
and  down  some  minutes,  the  sound  of  a  horse's  hoofs 
were  heard  turning  down  from  Long  Acre,  and 
reaching  the  lamp-post  at  the  corner  of  James  Street, 
his  astonished  eyes  were  struck  with  the  sight  of  a 
man  in  a  capacious,  long,  full-tailed,  red  frock  coat 
reaching  nearly  to  his  spurs,  with  mother-of-pearl 
buttons,  with  sporting  devices, — which  afterwards 
proved  to  be  foxes,  done  in  black, — brown  shag 
breeches,  that  would  have  been  spurned  by  the  late 

^  [The  promoter  of]  the  Hippodrome,  a  new  establishment  in 
the  fields,  near  Bayswater,  which  may  be  described  as  a  course 
for  the  promotion  of  illegitimate  racing  [a  speculation  that  soon 
came  to  grief]. 


20    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

worthy  master  of  the  Hurworth,^  and  boots,  that 
looked  for  all  the  world  as  if  they  were  made  to  tear 
up  the  very  land  and  soil,  tied  round  the  knees  with 
pieces  of  white  tape,  the  flowing  ends  of  which 
dangled  over  the  mahogany  -  coloured  tops.  Mr. 
Jorrocks — whose  dark  collar,  green,  to  his  coat,  and 
tout-ensemble,  might  have  caused  him  to  be  mistaken 
for  a  mounted  general  postman — was  on  a  most 
becoming  steed, — a  great  raking,  raw-boned  chestnut, 
with  a  twisted  snaffle  in  his  mouth,  decorated  with  a 
faded  yellow  silk  front,  a  nose-band,  and  an  ivory 
ring  under  his  jaws,  for  the  double  purpose  of  keeping 
the  reins  together  and  Jorrocks's  teeth  in  his  head, 
— the  nag  having  flattened  the  noses  and  otherwise 
damaged  the  countenances  of  his  two  previous 
owners,  who  had  not  the  knack  of  preventing  him 
tossing  his  head  in  their  faces.  The  saddle — large 
and  capacious — made  on  the  principle  of  the  im- 
possibility of  putting  a  round  of  beef  upon  a  pudding- 
plate — was  "spick  and  span  new,"  as  was  an 
enormous  hunting-whip,  whose  iron-headed  hammer 
he  clenched  in  a  way  that  would  make  the  blood 
curdle  in  one's  veins,  to  see  such  an  instrument  in 
the  hands  of  a  misguided  man. 

"  Punctuality  is  the  politeness  of  princes,"  said  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  raising  a  broad-brimmed,  lowish-crowned 
hat,  as  high  as  a  green  hunting-cord  which  tackled  it 
to  his  yellow  waistcoat  by  a  fox's  tooth  would  allow, 
as  he  came  upon  the  Yorkshireman  at  the  corner, 
"  My  soul's  on  fire  and  eager  for  the  chase !  By 
heavens,  I  declare  I've  dreamt  of  nothing  else  all 
night,  and  the  worst  of  it  is,  that  in  a  par-ox-ism  of 
delight,  when  I  thought  I  saw  the  darlings  running 
into  the  warmint,  I  brought  Mrs.  J.  such  a  dig  in  the 
side  as  knocked  her  out  of  bed,  and  she  swears  she'll 

^  The  late  Mr.  Wilkinson,  commonly  called  "  Matty 
Wilkinson,"  master  of  the  Hurworth  fox-hounds,  was  a  rigid 
adherent  of  the  "d — n-all-dandy"  school  of  sportsmen. 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  21 

go  to  Jenner,  and  the  court  for  the  protection  of  in- 
jured ribs  !  But  come — jump  up — where's  your  nag  ? 
Binjimin,  you  blackguard,  where  are  you  ?  The  fog  is 
blinding  me,  I  declare  !  Binjimin,  I  say  !  Binjimin  ! 
you  willain,  where  are  you  ?  " 

"  Here,  sir  !  coming  ! "  responded  a  voice  from  the 
bottom  of  one  of  the  long  mugs  at  a  street  breakfast 
stall,  which  the  fog  almost  concealed  from  their 
view,  and  presently  an  urchin  in  a  drab  coat  and 
blue  collar  came  towing  a  wretched,  ewe-necked, 
hungry-looking,  roan  rosinante  along  from  where  he 
had  been  regaling  himself  with  a  mug  of  undeniable 
bohea,  sweetened  with  a  composition  of  brown  sugar 
and  sand. 

"Now  be  after  getting  up,"  said  Jorrocks,  "for 
time  and  the  Surrey  'ounds  wait  for  no  man.  That's 
not  a  werry  elegant  tit,  but  still  it'll  carry  you  to 
Croydon  well  enough,  where  I'll  put  you  on  a  most 
undeniable  bit  of  'orse  flesh — a  reg'lar  clipper.  That's 
a  hack, — what  they  calls  three-and-sixpence  a  side, 
but  I  only  pays  half  a  crown.  Now,  Binjimin,  cut 
away  home,  and  tell  Batsay  to  have  dinner  ready  at 
half-past  five  to  a  minute,  and  to  be  most  particular 
in  doing  the  lamb  to  a  turn." 

The  Yorkshireman  having  adjusted  himself  in  the 
old  flat-flapped  hack  saddle,  and  got  his  stirrups  let 
out  from  "Binjimin's"  length  to  his  own,  gathered 
up  the  stiff  weather-beaten  reins,  gave  the  animal  a 
touch  with  his  spurs,  and  fell  into  the  rear  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks.  The  morning  appeared  to  be  getting 
worse.  Instead  of  the  grey  day-dawn  of  the  country, 
when  the  thin  transparent  mist  gradually  rises  from 
the  hills,  revealing  an  unclouded  landscape,  a  dense, 
thick,  yellow  fog  came  rolling  in  masses  along  the 
streets,  obscuring  the  gas  lights,  and  rendering  every 
step  one  of  peril.  It  could  be  both  eat  and  felt,  and 
the  damp  struck  through  their  clothes  in  the  most 
summary  manner.     "This  is  bad,''  said  Mr.  Jorrocks, 


22     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

coughing  as  he  turned  the  corner  by  Drury  Lane, 
making  for  Catherine  Street,  and  upsetting  an  early 
breakfast  and  periwinkle  stall,  by  catching  one  corner 
of  the  fragile  fabric  with  his  .toe,  having  ridden  too 
near  to  the  pavement.  "Where  are  you  for  now? 
and  bad  luck  to  ye,  ye  boiled  lobster ! "  roared  a 
stout  Irish  wench,  emerging  from  a  neighbouring  gin- 
palace,  on  seeing  the  dainty  viands  rolling  in  the 
street.  ^' Cut  away/"  cried  Jorrocks  to  his  friend, 
running  his  horse  between  one  of  George  Stapleton's 
dust-carts  and  a  hackney-coach,  "  or  the  Philistines 
will  be  upon  us."  The  fog  and  crowd  concealed 
them,  but  "  HuUoa  !  mind  where  you're  going,  you 
great  haw-buck,"  from  a  buy-a-hearthstone  boy,  whose 
stock-in-trade  Jorrocks  nearly  demolished  as  he 
crossed  the  corner  of  Catherine  Street  before  him, 
again  roused  his  vigilance.  "The  deuce  be  in  the 
fog,"  said  he,  "  I  declare  I  can't  see  across  the 
Strand.  It's  as  dark  as  a  wolfs  mouth.  —  Now, 
where  are  you  going  to  with  that  measly-looking  cab 
of  yours? — you've  nearly  run  your  shafts  into  my 
'oss's  ribs  ! "  cried  he  to  a  cabman  who  nearly  upset 
him.  The  Strand  was  kept  alive  by  a  few  slip-shod 
housemaids,  on  their  marrow-bones,  washing  the 
doorsteps  or  ogling  the  neighbouring  pot-boy  on  his 
morning  errand  for  the  pewters.  Now  and  then  a 
crazy  jarvey  passed  slowly  by,  while  a  hurrying  mail, 
with  a  drowsy  driver  and  sleeping  guard,  rattled  by, 
to  deliver  their  cargo  at  the  post-office.  Here  and 
there  appeared  one  of  those  beings,  who,  like  the 
owl,  hide  themselves  by  day  and  are  visible  only  in 
the  dusk.  Many  of  them  appeared  to  belong  to  the 
other  world.  Poor,  puny,  ragged,  sickly -looking 
creatures,  that  seemed  as  though  they  had  been 
suckled  and  reared  with  gin.  "  How  different," 
thought  the  Yorkshireman  to  himself,  "to  the  fine, 
stout,  active  labourer  one  meets  at  an  early  hour  on 
a   hunting   morning   in   the  country  ! "     His  reverie 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  23 

was  interrupted  on  arriving  opposite  The  Morning 
Chronicle  Office,  by  the  most  discordant  yells  that 
ever  issued  from  human  beings,  and  on  examining 
the  quarter  from  whence  they  proceeded,  a  group  of 
fifty  or  a  hundred  boys,  or  rather  little  old  men,  were 
seen  with  newspapers  in  their  hands  and  under  their 
arms,  in  all  the  activity  of  speculation  and  exchange. 
"  A  clean  Post  for  Tuesday's  Times  !  "  bellowed  one. 
"I  want  the  Hurl  (Herald)  for  the  Satirist \" 
shouted  another.  ''Bell's  Life  for  the  £ull\  The 
Spectator  for  the  Sunday  Times  !  " 

The  approach  of  our  sportsmen  was  the  signal  for  a 
change  of  the  chorus,  and  immediately  Jorrocks  was 
assailed  with  "  A  hunter  !  a  hunter  !  crikey,  a  hunter  ! 
My  eyes  !  there's  a  gamecock  for  you  !  Vot  a  beauty  ! 
Vere  do  you  turn  out  to-day?  Yere's  the  stag? 
Don't  tumble  off,  old  boy !  'Ave  you  got  ever  a 
rope  in  your  pocket?  Take  BelPs  Life  in  London, 
vot  contains  all  the  sporting  news  of  the  country  ! 
Vot  a  vip  the  gemman's  got !  vot  a  precious  baster- 
nadering  he  could  give  us — my  eyes,  vot  a  swell ! 
—  vot  a  shocking  bad  hat !  ^  —  vot  shocking  bad 
breeches  ! " 

The  fog,  which  became  denser  at  every  step,  by  the 
time  they  reached  St.  Clement's  Danes  rendered  their 
further  progress  almost  impossible. — "  Oh  dear  !  oh 
dear  !  how  unlucky,"  exclaimed  Jorrocks,  "  I  would 
have  given  twenty  pounds  of  best  Twankay  for  a  fine 
day — and  see  what  a  thing  we've  got !  Hold  my 
'oss,"  said  he  to  the  Yorkshireman,  "while  I  run  into 
the  Angel,  and  borrow  an  argand  burner,  or  we  shall 
be  endorsed  ^  to  a  dead  certainty."  Off  he  got  and 
ran  to  the  inn.  Presently  he  emerged  from  the  yard 
— followed  by  horse-keepers,  coach-washers,  porters, 
cads,  waiter,  and  others,  amid  loud  cries  of  '■'flare  up, 

^  "Vot  a  shocking  bad  hat  !" — the  slang  cockney  phrase  of 
1831. 
-  City — for  having  a  pole  run  into  one's  rear. 


24     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

flare  up,  old  cock  !  tallyho  fox-hunter  !  "  —  with  a 
bright  mail-coach  foot-board  lamp,  strapt  to  his 
middle,  which,  lighting  up  the  whole  of  his  broad 
back,  now  cased  in  scarlet,  gave  him  the  appearance 
of  a  gigantic  red-and-gold  insurance  office  badge,  or 
an  elderly  cherub  without  wings. 

The  hackney-coach  and  cab-men,  along  whose  lines 
they  passed,  could  not  make  him  out  at  all.  Some 
thought  he  was  a  mail-coach  guard  riding  post  with 
the  bags  ;  but,  as  the  light  was  pretty  strong,  he  trotted 
on  regardless  of  observation.  The  fog,  however, 
abated  none  of  its  denseness  even  on  the  "Surrey 
side,"  and  before  they  reached  the  Elephant  and 
Castle,  Jorrocks  had  run  against  two  trucks,  three 
water-cress  women,  one  pies-all-ci/ !  all-i?/ !  man,  dis- 
persed a  whole  covey  of  Welsh  milk-maids,  and  rode 
slap  over  one  end  of  a  buy  ''at  (hat)  box  !  bonnet 
box  !  man's  pole,  damaging  a  dozen  paste-boards,  and 
finally  upsetting  Balham  Hill  Joe's  "  Barcelona  come, 
crack  'em  and  try  'em"  stall  at  the  door  of  the 
inn,  for  all  whose  benedictions,  the  Yorkshireman, 
as  this  great  fox-hunting  knight-errant's  "  Esquire," 
came  in. 

Here  the  Yorkshireman  would  fain  have  persuaded 
Mr.  Jorrocks  to  desist  from  his  Quixotic  undertaking, 
but  he  turned  a  deaf  ear  to  his  entreaties.  "  We  are 
getting  fast  into  the  country,  and  I  hold  it  to  be 
utterly  impossible  for  this  fog  to  extend  beyond 
Kennington  Common — 'twill  ewaporate,  you'll  see,  as 
we  approach  the  open.  Indeed,  if  I  mistake  not,  I 
begin  to  sniff  the  morning  air  already,  and  hark ! 
there's  a  lark  carolling  before  us  ! "  "  Now,  spooney  ! 
where  are  you  for?"  bellowed  a  carter,  breaking  off 
in  the  middle  of  his  whistle,  as  Jorrocks  rode  slap 
against  his  leader,  the  concussion  at  once  dispelling 
the  pleasing  pastoral  delusion,  and  nearly  knocking 
Jorrocks  off  his  horse. 

As  they  approached  Brixton  Hill,  a  large  red  ball 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  25 

of  lurid  light  appeared  in  the  firmament,  and  just  at 
the  moment  up  rode  another  member  of  the  Surrey 
hunt,  in  uniform,  whom  Jorrocks  hailed  as  Mr.  Crane. 
"  By  Jave,  'ow  beautiful  the  moon  is,"  said  the  latter, 
after  the  usual  salutations.  "  Moon ! "  said  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  "  that's  not  never  no  moon — I  reckon  it's 
Mrs.  Graham's  balloon."  "  Come,  that's  a  good  un," 
said  Crane ;  "  perhaps  you'll  lay  me  an  'at  about  it." 
"  Done  ! "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  a  guinea  one — and 
we'll  ax  my  friend  here. — Now,  what's  that?"  "Why, 
judging  from  its  position  and  the  hour,  I  should  say 
it  is  the  sun  ! "  was  the  reply. 

We  have  omitted  to  mention  that  this  memorable 
day  was  a  Saturday,  one  on  which  civic  sportsmen 
exhibit.  We  may  also  premise,  that  the  particular 
hunt  we  are  about  to  describe  took  place  when  there 
were  very  many  packs  of  hounds  within  reach  of  the 
Metropolis,  all  of  which  boasted  their  respective 
admiring  subscribers.  As  our  party  proceeded,  they 
overtook  a  gentleman  perusing  a  long  bill  of  the 
meets  for  the  next  week,  of  at  least  half  a  dozen 
packs,  the  top  of  the  list  being  decorated  with  a  cut 
of  a  stag-hunt,  and  the  bottom  containing  a  notifica- 
tion that  hunters  were  "carefully  attended  to  by 
Charles  Morton,^  at  the  Derby  Arms,  Croydon,"  a 
snug,  rural  auberge,  near  the  barrack.  On  the 
hunting  bill  of  fare  were  Mr.  Jolliffe's  fox-hounds,  Mr. 
Meager's  harriers,  the  Derby  stag-hounds,  the  Sander- 
stead  harriers,  the  Union  fox-hounds,  the  Surrey 
fox-hounds,  rabbit  beagles  on  Epsom  Downs,  and 
dwarf  fox-hounds  on  Woolwich  Common.  What  a 
list  to  bewilder  a  stranger  !  The  Yorkshireman  left  it 
all  to  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

^  Where  the  carrion  is,  there  will  be  the  crow,  and  on  the 
demise  of  the  "Surrey  staggtxs,"  Charley  brushed  off  to  the 
west,  to  valet  the  gentlemen's  hunters  that  attend  the  Ro3-al 
Stag  -  Hunt. —  Vide  Sir  F.  Grant's  picture  of  the  Meet  of  the 
Royal  Stag- Hounds. 


26     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

"  You're  for  Jolliffe,  I  suppose,"  said  the  gentleman 
with  the  bill,  to  another  with  a  blue  coat  and  buff 
lining;  "he's  at  Chipstead  church — only  six  miles 
from  Croydon,  a  sure  find  and  good  country." 
"  What  are  you  for,  Mr.  Jorrocks  ?  "  inquired  another 
in  green,  with  black  velvet  breeches,  Hessian  boots, 
and  a  red  waistcoat,  who  just  rode  up.  '''■My  own,  to 
be  sure,"  said  Jorrocks,  taking  hold  of  the  green 
collar  of  his  coat,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  How  can  you 
ask  such  a  question?"  "Oh  no,"  said  the  gentleman 
in  green,  "come  to  the  stag, — much  better  sport — 
sure  of  a  gallop — open  country — get  it  over  soon — 
back  in  town  before  the  post  goes  out."  Before  Mr. 
Jorrocks  had  time  to  make  a  reply  to  this  last  inter- 
rogatory, they  were  overtaken  by  another  horseman, 
who  came  hopping  along  at  a  sort  of  butcher's  shuffle, 
on  a  worn-out,  three-legged,  four-cornered  hack,  with 
one  eye,  a  rat-tail,  and  a  head  as  large  as  a  fiddle-case 
— "Who's  for  the  blue  mottles?"  said  he,  casting  a 
glance  at  their  respective  coats,  and  at  length  fixing 
it  on  the  Yorkshireman.  "  Why,  Dickens,  you're  not 
going  thistle-whipping  with  that  nice  'orse  of  yours," 
said  the  gentleman  in  the  velvets ;  "come  and  see  the 
stag  turned  out — sure  of  a  gallop — no  hedges — soft 
country — plenty  of  publics — far  better  sport,  man, 
than  pottering  about  looking  for  your  foxes  and  hares, 
and  wasting  your  time;  take  my  advice,  and  come 
with  me."  "But,"  says  Dickens,  "my  'orse  won't 
stand  it ;  I  had  him  in  the  shay  till  eleven  last  night, 
and  he  came  forty-three  mile  with  our  traveller  the 
day  before,  else  he's  a  'good  un  to  go,'  as  you  know. 
Do  you  remember  the  (9Zf/-dacious  leap  he  took  over 
the  tinker's  tent,  at  the  Epping  'unt,  last  Easter? 
How  he  astonished  the  natives  within  !  "  "  Yes  ;  but 
then,  you  know,  you  fell  head-foremost  through  the 
canvas,  and  no  wonder  that  your  ugly  mug  frightened 
them,"  replied  he  of  the  velvets.  "Ay;  but  that  was 
in  consequence  of  my  riding  by  balance,  instead  of 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  27 

gripping  with  my  legs,"  replied  Dickens;  "you  see,  I 
had  taken  seven  lessons  in  riding  at  the  school  in 
Bidborough  Street,  Burton  Crescent,  and  they  always 
told  me  to  balance  myself  equally  on  the  saddle,  and 
harden  my  heart,  and  ride  at  whatever  came  in  the 
way ;  and  the  tinker's  tent  coming  tirst,  why,  naturally 
enough,  I  went  at  it.  But  I  have  had  some  practice 
since  then,  and,  of  course,  can  stick  on  better.  I 
have  'unted  regularly  ever  since,  and  can  'do  the 
trick'  now,"  "What,  summer  and  winter?"  said 
Jorrocks.  "No,"  replied  he,  "but  I  have  'unted 
regularly  every  fifth  Saturday  since  the  'unting  began." 

After  numerous  discourses  similar  to  the  foregoing, 
they  arrived  at  the  end  of  the  first  stage  on  the  road 
to  the  hunt,  namely,  the  small  town  of  Croydon,  the 
rendezvous  of  London  sportsmen.  The  whole  place 
was  alive  with  red  coats,  green  coats,  blue  coats, 
black  coats,  brown  coats — in  short,  coats  of  all  the 
colours  of  the  rainbow.  Horsemen  were  mounting, 
horsemen  were  dismounting,  one-horse  "shays"  and 
two-horse  chaises  were  discharging  their  burthens, 
grooms  were  buckling  on  their  masters'  spurs,  and 
others  w^ere  pulling  off  their  overalls.  Eschewing  the 
Greyhound,  they  turn  short  to  the  right,  and  make  for 
the  Derby  Arms'  hunting  stables. 

Charley  Morton,  a  fine  old  boy  of  his  age,  was 
buckling  on  his  armour  for  the  fight;  his  soul,  too, 
was  "on  fire,  and  eager  for  the  chase."  He  was  for 
the  "  venison  "  ;  and  having  mounted  his  "  deer- 
stalker," was  speedily  joined  by  divers  perfect  "  swells," 
in  beautiful  leathers,  beautiful  coats,  beautiful  tops, 
beautiful  everything,  except  horses,  and  off  they  rode 
to  cut  in  for  the  first  course, — a  stag-hunt  on  a 
Saturday  being  usually  divided  into  three. 

The  ride  down  had  somewhat  sharpened  Jorrocks's 
appetite ;  and  feeling,  as  he  said,  quite  ready  for  his 
dinner,  he  repaired  to  Mr.  Morton's  house, — a  kind 
of  sporting  snuggery,  everything  in  apple-pie  order 


28     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

and  very  good, — where  he  baited  himself  on  sausages 
and  salt  herrings,  a  basin  of  new  milk,  with  some 
"  sticking-powder,"  as  he  called  it,  alias  rum,  infused 
into  it ;  and  having  deposited  a  half-quartern  loaf  in 
one  pocket,  as  a  sort  of  balance  against  a  huge  bunch 
of  keys  which  rattled  in  the  other,  he  pulled  out  his 
watch,  and,  finding  they  had  a  quarter  of  an  hour  to 
spare,  proposed  to  chaperone  the  Yorkshireman  on 
a  tour  of  the  hunting  stables.  Jorrocks  summoned 
the  ostler,  and  with  great  dignity  led  the  way. 
"  Humph,"  said  he,  evidently  disappointed  at  seeing 
half  the  stalls  empty,  "  no  great  show  this  morning — 
pity — gentleman  come  from  a  distance — should  like 
to  have  shown  him  some  good  nags. — What  sort  of  a 
devil's  this?"  "Oh,  sir,  he's  a  good  un,  and  nothing 
but  a  good  un  ! — Leap !  Lord  love  you,  he'll  leap 
anything.  A  railway  cut,  a  windmill  with  the  sails 
going,  a  navigable  river  with  ships — anything  in  short. 
This  is  the  'orse  wot  took  the  line  of  houses  down  at 
Beddington  the  day  they  had  the  /"/-^mendous  run  from 
Reigate  Hill."  "  And  wot's  the  grey  in  the  far  stall  ?  " 
"Oh,  that's  Mr.  Pepper's  old  nag — Pepper- C^j-/^r,  as 
we  call  him,  since  he  threw  the  old  gemman,  the 
morning  they  met  at  the  Leg-of-Mutton  at  Ashstead. 
But  he's  good  for  nothing.  Bless  ye  !  his  tail  shakes 
for  all  the  world  like  a  pepper-box  afore  he's  gone 
half  a  mile.  Those  be  yours  in  the  far  stalls,  and 
since  they  were  turned  round  I've  won  a  bob  of 
a  gemman  who  I  bet  I'd  show  him  two  'osses  with 
their  heads  vere  their  tails  should  be.^  I  always 
says,"  added  he,  with  a  leer,  "  that  you  rides  the  best 
'osses  of  any  gemman  vot  comes  to  our  governor's." 
This  flattered  Jorrocks,  and  sidling  up,  he  slipped  a 
shilling  into  his  hand,  saying,  "Well,  bring  them 
out,  and  let's  see  how  they  look  this  morning."  The 
stall  reins  are  slipped,  and  out  they  step  with  their 

'  A  favourite  joke  among  grooms  when  a  horse  is  turned  round 
in  his  stall. 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  29 

hoods  on  their  quarters.  One  was  a  large,  fat,  full- 
sized  chestnut,  with  a  wide  ratch  down  the  full  extent 
of  his  face,  a  long  square  tail,  bushy  mane,  with 
untrimmed  heels.  The  other  was  a  brown,  about 
fifteen-two,  coarse-headed,  with  a  rat  tail,  and  collar- 
marked.  The  tackle  was  the  same  as  they  came 
down  with.  "  You'll  do  the  trick  on  that,  I  reckon," 
said  Jorrocks,  throwing  his  leg  over  the  chestnut,  and 
looking  askew  at  the  Yorkshireman  as  he  mounted. 
"  Tatt.,  and  old  Tatt.,  and  Tatt.  sen.  before  him,  all 
agree  that  they  never  knew  a  bad  'oss  with  a  rat  tail. 
But,  let  me  tell  you,  you  must  be  iverry  lively,  if  you 
mean  to  live  with  our  'ounds.  They  go  like  the  wind. 
But  come  !  touch  him  with  the  spur,  and  let's  do  a 
troL"  The  Yorkshireman  obeyed,  and  getting  into 
the  main  street,  onwards  they  jogged,  right  through 
Croydon,  and  struck  into  a  line  of  villas  of  all  sorts, 
shapes,  and  sizes,  which  extend  for  several  miles 
along  the  road,  exhibiting  all  sorts  of  architecture — 
Gothic,  Corinthian,  Doric,  Ionic,  Dutch,  and  Chinese. 
These  gradually  diminished  in  number,  and  at  length 
they  found  themselves  on  an  open  heath,  within  a 
few  miles  of  the  meet  of  the  "  Surrey  fox-hounds." 
"  Now,"  says  Mr.  Jorrocks,  clawing  up  his  smalls, 
"you  will  see  the  werry  finest  pack  of  hounds  in  all 
England ;  I  don't  care  where  the  next  best  are ;  and 
you  will  see  as  good  a  turn-out  as  ever  you  saw  in 
your  life,  and  as  nice  a  country  to  ride  over  as  ever 
you  were  in." 

They  reach  the  meet, — a  wayside  public-house  on 
a  common,  before  which  the  hounds  with  their  attend- 
ants and  some  fifty  or  sixty  horsemen,  many  of  them 
in  scarlet,  were  assembled.  Jorrocks  was  received 
with  the  greatest  cordiality,  and  whoops  and  halloas, 
and  cries  of,  "  Now  Twankay  !  now  Sugar  ! — now 
Figs  !  "  Waving  his  hand  in  token  of  recognition,  he 
passed  on  and  made  straight  for  Tom  Hill,  with 
a  face  full  of  importance,   and  nearly  rode  over  a 


30     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

hound  in  his  hurry.  "  Now,  Tom,"  said  he,  with  the 
greatest  energy,  "^c,  my  good  fellow,  strain  every 
nerve  to  show  sport  to-day.  A  gentleman  has  come 
all  the  way  from  the  north-east  side  of  the  town  of 
Boroughbridge,  in  the  county  of  York,  to  see  our 
excellent  'ounds,  and  I  would  fain  have  him  galva- 
nized. Do  show  us  a  run,  and  let  it  end  with  blood, 
so  that  he  may  have  something  to  tell  the  natives 
when  he  gets  back  to  his  own  parts.  That's  him, 
see,  sitting  under  the  yew-tree,  in  a  bottle-green  coat 
with  basket  buttons,  just  striking  a  light  on  the  pommel 
of  his  saddle  to  indulge  in  a  fumigation. — Keep  your 
eye  on  him  all  day,  and  if  you  can  lead  him  over  an 
awkward  place,  and  get  him  a  purl,  so  much  the 
better. — If  he'll  risk  his  neck,  I'll  risk  my  oss's." 

The  Yorkshireman,  having  lighted  his  cigar  and 
tightened  his  girths,  rode  leisurely  among  the  horse- 
men, many  of  whom  were  in  eager  council,  and 
a  gentle  breeze  wafted  divers  scraps  of  conversation 
to  his  ear. 

What  is  that  hound  got  by?  No.  How  is  that 
horse  bred  ?  No.  What  sport  had  you  on  Wednes- 
day ?  No.  Is  it  a  likely  fmd  to-day  ?  No,  no,  no  ; 
it  was  not  where  the  hounds,  but  what  the  consols,  left 
off  at ;  what  the  four  per  cents.,  and  not  the  four 
horses,  were  up  to ;  what  the  condition  of  the  money, 
not  the  horse,  market.  "Anything  doing  in  Danish 
bonds,  sir?"  said  one.  "You  must  do  it  by  lease 
and  release,  and  levy  a  fine,"  replied  another.  Scott 
V.  Brown,  crim.  con.,  to  be  heard  by  the  Chief  Justice 
on  or  before  Wednesday  next. — Barley  thirty-two  to 
forty-two. — Fine  upland  meadow  and  rye-grass  hay, 
seventy  to  eighty. — The  last  pocket  of  hops  I  sold 
brought  seven  pounds  fifteen  shillings.  Sussex  bags 
six  pounds  ten  shillings.  There  were  only  twenty- 
eight  and  a  quarter  ships  at  market,  "and  coals  are 
coals."  "  Glad  to  hear  it,  sir,  for  half  the  last  you 
sent  me  were  slates." — "Best  qualities  of  beef  four 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  31 

shillings  and  eightpence  a  stone — mutton  three  shil- 
lings and  eightpence  to  four  shillings  and  sixpence. — 
He  was  exceedingly  ill  when  I  paid  my  last  visit ;  I 
gave  him  nearly  a  stone  of  Epsom  salts,  and  bled  him 
twice. — This  horse  would  suit  you  to  a  T,  sir,  but  my 
skip-jack  is  coming  out  on  one  at  two  o'clock  that 
can  carry  a  house. — See  what  a  bosom  this  one's  got. 
— Well,  Gunter,  old  boy,  have  you  iced  your  horse 
to-day  ? — Have  you  heard  that  Brown  and  Co.  are  in 
the  Gazette!  No,  which  Brown — not  John  Brown? 
No,   William   Brown.     What,   Brown  of  Goodman's 

Fields  ?     No,  Brown  of of  Street — Brown*?  with 

an  e ;  you  know  the  man  I  mean. — Oh  !  Lord,  ay, 
the  man  wot  used  to  be  called  nosey  Browne."  A 
general  move  ensued,  and  they  left  "the  meet." 

"  Vere  be  you  going  to  turn  out,  pray,  sir,  may  I 
inquire  ?  "  said  a  gentleman  in  green  to  the  huntsman, 
as  he  turned  into  a  field.  "  Turn  out,"  said  he,  "  why, 
ye  don't  suppose  we  be  come  calf-hunting,  do  ye? 
We  ihrmvs  off  some  two  stones'  throw  from  here,  if  so 
be  you  mean  what  cover  we  are  going  to  draw." 
"No,"  said  the  green-coat,  "I  mean,  where  do  you 
turn  out  the  stag?" — "D — n  the  stag,  we  know 
nothing  about  such  matters,"  replied  the  huntsman, 
"Ware  wheat!  ware  wheat!  ware  wheat!"  was  now 
the  general  cry,  as  a  gentleman  in  nankeen  pantaloons 
and  Hessian  boots,  with  long  brass  spurs,  commenced 
a  navigation  across  a  sprouting  crop.  "  Ware  wheat, 
ware  wheat ! "  replied  he,  considering  it  part  of  the 
ceremony   of  hunting,    and   continuing   his   forward 

course,     "  Come  to  my  side,"  said  Mr.  to  the 

whipper-in,  "  and  meet  that  gentleman  as  he  arrives 
at  yonder  gate ;  and  keep  by  him  while  I  scold  you." 
— "Now,  sir,  most  particularly  d — n  you,  for  riding 
slap-dash  over  the  young  wheat,  you  most  confounded 
insensible  ignorant  tinker,  isn't  the  headland  wide 
enough  both  for  you  and  your  horse,  even  if  your 
spurs  were  as  long  again  as  they  are?"     Shouts  of 


32     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

"  Yooi  over,  over,  over  hounds — try  for  him — yoicks 
— wind  him  !  good  dogs — yoicks  ! — stir  him  up — 
have  at  him  there  !  " — here  interrupted  the  jawbation, 
and  the  whip  rode  off  shaking  his  sides  with  Laughter. 
"  Your  horse  has  got  a  stone  in  each  fore-foot,  and  a 
thorn  in  his  near  hock,"  observed  a  dentist  to  a  whole- 
sale haberdasher  from  Ludgate  Hill,  "allow  me  to 
extract  them  for  you — no  pain,  I  assure — over  before 
you  know  it."  "  Come  away,  hounds  !  come  away  ! " 
was  heard,  and  presently  the  huntsman,  with  some  of 
the  pack  at  his  horse's  heels,  issued  from  the  wood 
playing  "  Rule  Britannia  "  on  a  key  bugle,  while  the 
cracks  of  heavy-thonged  whips  warned  the  stragglers 
and  loiterers  to  follow.  "Music  hath  charms  to 
soothe  the  savage  beast^^  observed  Jorrocks,  as  he 
tucked  the  laps  of  his  frock  over  his  thighs,  "  and  I 
hope  we  shall  find  before  long,  else  that  quarter  of 
house-lamb  will  be  utterly  ruined.  Oh  dear,  they  are 
going  below  him,  I  do  believe !  why,  we  shall  never 
get  home  to-day,  and  I  told  Mrs.  Jorrocks  half-past 
five  to  a  minute,  and  I  invited  old  Fleecy,  who  is  a 
most  punctual  man." 

Jorrocks  was  right  in  his  surmise.  They  arrived 
on  the  summit  of  a  range  of  steep  hills  commanding 
an  extensive  view  over  the  neighbouring  country — 
almost,  he  said,  as  far  as  the  seacoast.  The  hunts- 
man and  hounds  went  down,  but  many  of  the  field 
held  a  council  of  war  on  the  top.  "  Well !  who's 
going  down  ?  "  said  one.  "  I  shall  wait  for  the  next 
turn,"  said  Jorrocks,  "for  my  horse  does  not  like 
collar  work."  "  I  shall  go  this  time,"  said  another, 
"and  the  rest  next."  "And  so  will  I,"  said  a  third, 
"  for  mayhap  there  will  be  no  second  turn."  "  Ay," 
added  a  fourth,  "  and  he  may  go  the  other  way,  and 
then  where  shall  we  all  be?"  "  Poh  ! "  said  Jorrocks, 
"  did  you  ever  know  a  Surrey  fox  not  to  take  to  the 
hills? — If  he  does  not,  I'll  eat  him  without  mint 
sauce,"    again    harping    on    the    quarter    of    lamb. 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  33 

^^  Facilis  descensus  Averni"  ■. — two-thirds  of  the  field 
went  down,  leaving  Jorrocks,  two  horse-dealers  in 
scarlet,  three  chicken-butchers,  half  a  dozen  swells 
in  leathers,  a  whip,  and  the  Yorkshireman  on  the 
summit.  "Why  don't  you  go  with  the  hounds?" 
inquired  the  latter  of  the  whip.  "  Oh,  I  wait  here, 
sir,"  said  he,  "  to  meet  Tom  Hills  as  he  comes  up, 
and  to  give  him  a  fresh  horse."  "  And  who  is  Tom 
Hills  ?"  inquired  the  Yorkshireman.  "  Oh,  he's  our 
huntsman,"  replied  he ;  "  you  know  Tom,  don't  you  ?  " 
"  Why,  I  can't  say  I  do,  exactly  "  ;  "  but  tell  me,  is  he 
called  Hills  because  he  rides  up  and  down  these  hills, 
or  is  that  his  real  name  ?  "  "  Hought !  you  know  as 
well  as  I  do,"  said  he,  quite  indignantly,  "that  Tom 
Hills  is  his  name." 

The  hounds,  with  the  majority  of  the  field,  having 
effected  the  descent  of  the  hills,  were  now  trotting  on 
in  the  valley  below,  sufificiently  near,  however,  to 
allow  our  hill  party  full  view  of  their  proceedings. 
After  drawing  a  couple  of  osier-beds  blank,  they 
assumed  a  line  parallel  to  the  hills,  and  moved  on 
to  a  wood  of  about  ten  acres,  the  west  end  of  which 
terminated  in  a  natural  gorse.  "  They'll  find  there  to 
a  certainty,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pulling  a  telescope  out 
of  his  breeches'  pocket,  and  adjusting  the  sight. 
"  Never  saw  it  blank  but  once,  and  that  was  the 
werry  day  the  commercial  panic  of  twenty-five  com- 
menced.— I  remember  making  an  entry  in  my  ledger 
when  I  got  home  to  that  effect.  Humph  !  "  continued 
he,  looking  through  the  glass,  "they  are  through  the 
wood,  though,  without  a  challenge. — Now,  my  booys, 
push  him  out  of  the  gorse  !  Let's  see  vot  you're  made 
of. — There  goes  the  first  'ound  in. — It's  Galloper,  I 
believe. — I  can  almost  see  the  bag  of  shot  round  his 
neck. — Now  they  all  follow. — One — two — three — four 
— five — all  together,  my  beauties.  Oh,  vot  a  sight ! 
Peckham's  cap's  in  the  air,  and  tfs  a  fifid,  by 
heavensV  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  right. — The  southerly 
3 


34     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

wind  wafts  up  the  fading  notes  of  the   Huntsman's 
Chorus  in  Der  Freischiiiz,  and  confirms  the  fact. — 
Jorrocks  is  in  ecstasies. — "  Now,"  said  he,  clawing  up 
his  breeches  (for  he  dispenses  with  the  article  of  braces 
when  out   hunting),  "  that's  what    I  calls  fine.     Oh, 
beautiful !  beautiful  ! — Now,  follow  me  if  you  please, 
and  if  yon  gentleman  in  drab  does  not  shoot  the  fox, 
he  will   be   on   the   hills    before   long."     Away  they 
scampered  along  the  top  of  the  ridge,  with  a  complete 
view  of  the  operations    below.     At   length  Jorrocks 
stopped,  and,  pulling  the  telescope  out,  began  making 
an  observation.     "  There   he   is,  at   last,"  cried   he, 
"just  crossed  the  corner  of  yon  green  field — now  he 
creeps  through  the  hedge  by  the  fir-tree,  and  is  in  the 
fallow  one.     Yet  stay — that's  no  fox — it's  a  hare  :  and 
yet  Tom  Hills  makes  straight  for  the  spot — and  did 
you  hear  that  loud  tallyho  ?     Oh  !  gentlemen,  gentle- 
men, we  shall  be  laughed  to  scorn — what  can  they  be 
doing  ? — see,  they  take  up  the  scent,  and  the  whole 
pack  have  joined  in  chorus.     Great  heavens,  it's  no 
more   a   fox   than   I   am ! — No  more   brush   than  a 
badger !     Oh  dear !  oh  dear !  that   I  should   live  to 
see  my  old  friends,  the  Surrey  fox-'ounds,  'unt  hare, 
and  that   too  in  the  presence  of  a  stranger."     The 
animal  made  direct  for  the  hills ; — whatever  it  was, 
the  hounds  were  on  good  terms  with  it,  and  got  away 
in  good  form.     The  sight  was  splendid — all  the  field 
got  well  off,  nor  between  the  cover  and  the  hills  was 
there   sufficient   space   for   tailing.      A   little   elderly 
gentleman,  in   a   pepper-and-salt   coat,  led   the   way 
gallantly — then  came  the  scarlets,  then  the  darks — 
and  then  the  fustian-clad  countrymen.     Jorrocks  was 
in  a  shocking  state,  and   rolled   along  the   hill-tops, 
almost   frantic.     The  field  reached  the  bottom,  and 
the  foremost  commenced  the  steep  ascent. 

"  O  Tom  Hills  !— Tom  Hills  !— what  are  you  at  ? 
what  are  you  arter}"  demanded  Jorrocks,  as  he 
landed  on  the  top ;  "  here's  a  gentleman  come  all  the 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  35 

way  from  the  north-east  side  of  the  town  of  Borough- 
bridge,  in  the  county  of  York,  to  see  our  excellent 
'ounds,  and  here  you  are  running  a  hare.  O  Tom 
Hills  !  Tom  Hills  !  ride  forward,  ride  forward,  and 
whip  them  off,  ere  we  eternally  disgrace  ourselves." 
"  Oh,"  says  Tom,  laughing,  "  he's  a  fox  !  but  he's  so 
tarnation  frightened  of  our  hounds,  that  his  brush 
dropped  off  through  very  fear,  as  soon  as  ever  he 
heard  us  go  into  the  wood ;  if  you  go  back,  you'll 
find  it  somewhere,  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  haw,  haw,  haw! 
No  fox,  indeed  !  "  said  he,  "forrard,  hounds,  forrard  !  " 
and  away  he  went — caught  the  old  whipper-in,  dis- 
mounted him  in  a  twinkling,  and  was  on  a  fresh  horse 
with  his  hounds  in  full  cry.  The  line  of  flight  was 
still  along  the  hill-tops,  and  all  eagerly  pressed  on, 
making  a  goodly  rattle  over  the  beds  of  flint.  A 
check  ensued.  "  The  guard  on  yonder  nasty  Brighton 
coach  has  frightened  him  with  his  horn,"  said  Tom ; 
"  now  we  must  make  a  cast  up  to  yonder  garden,  and 
see  if  he's  taken  shelter  among  the  geraniums  in  the 
green-house.  As  little  damage  as  possible,  gentlemen, 
if  you  please^  in  riding  through  the  nursery  grounds. 
Now,  hold  hard,  sir — pray  do — there's  no  occasion 
for  you  to  break  the  kale  pots ;  he  can't  be  under 
them.  Ah,  yonder  he  goes,  the  tail-less  beggar ;  did 
you  see  him  as  he  stole  past  the  corner  out  of  the 
early-cabbage  bed  ?  Now  bring  on  the  hounds,  and 
let  us  press  him  towards  London." 

"  See  the  conquering  hero  comes,"  sounded  through 
the  avenue  of  elms  as  Tom  dashed  forward  with  the 
merry,  merry  pack.  "  I  shall  stay  on  the  hills,"  said 
one,  "  and  be  ready  for  him  as  he  comes  back  !  I 
took  a  good  deal  of  the  shine  out  of  my  horse  in 
coming  up  this  time."  "  I  think  I  will  do  the  same," 
said  two  or  three  more.  "  Let's  be  doing,"  said 
Jorrocks,  ramming  his  spurs  into  his  nag  to  seduce 
him  into  a  gallop,  who,  after  sending  his  heels  in  the 
air  a  few  times  in  token  of  his  disapprobation  of  such 


36     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

treatment,  at  last  put  himself  into  a  round-rolling  sort 
of  canter,  which  Jorrocks  kept  up  by  dint  of  spurring 
and  dropping  his  great  bastinaderer  of  a  whip  every 
now  and  then  across  his  shoulders.  Away  they  go 
pounding  together  ! 

The  line  lies  over  flint  fallows  occasionally  diversified 
with  a  turnip-field  or  market-garden,  and  every  now 
and  then  a  "  willa  "  appears,  from  which  emerge  foot- 
men in  jackets,  and  in  yellow,  red,  and  green  plush 
breeches,  with  no  end  of  admiring  housemaids, 
governesses,  and  nurses  with  children  in  their  arms. 

Great  was  the  emulation  when  any  of  these  were 
approached,  and  the  rasping  sportsmen  rushed  eagerly 
to  the  "  fore."  At  last  they  approach  "  Miss  Birch- 
well's  finishing  and  polishing  seminary  for  young 
ladies,"  whose  great  flaring  blue  and  gold  sign, 
reflecting  the  noon  -  day  rays  of  the  sun,  had 
frightened  the  fox,  and  caused  him  to  alter  his  line 
and  take  away  to  the  west.  A  momentary  check 
ensued,  but  all  the  amateur  huntsmen  being  blown, 
Tom,  who  is  well  up  with  his  hounds,  makes  a  quick 
cast  round  the  house,  and  hits  off  the  scent  like  a 
workman.^  A  private  road  and  a  line  of  gates  through 
fields  now  greet  the  eyes  of  our  M'Adamizers.  A 
young  gentleman  on  a  hired  hunter,  very  nattily 
attired,  here  singles  himself  out  and  takes  place  next 
to  Tom,  throwing  the  pebbles  and  dirt  back  in  the 
eyes  of  the  field.  Tom  crams  away,  throwing  the 
gates  open  as  he  goes,  and  our  young  gentleman  very 
coolly  passes  through,  without  a  touch,  letting  them 
bang-to  behind  him.  The  Yorkshireman,  who  has 
been  gradually  creeping  up,  until  he  has  got  the  third 
place,  having  opened  two  or  three,  and  seeing  another 
likely  to  close  for  want  of  a  push,  cries  out  to  our 
friend  as  he  approaches,  ''Put  out  your  hand,  sir!" 
The  gentleman  immediately  extends  his  limb  like  the 

'  Joking  apart,  Tom  is  an  excellent  huntsman  and  worthy  of 
a  better  country. 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  37 

arm  of  a  telegraph,  and  rides  over  half  the  next  field 
with  his  hand  in  the  air !  The  gate,  of  course,  falls 
to. 

A  stopper  appears — a  gate  locked  and  spiked, 
with  a  downward  hinge  to  prevent  its  being  lifted. 
To  the  right  is  a  rail,  and  a  ha-ha  beyond  it — to  the 
left  a  quick  fence.  Tom  glances  at  both,  but  turns 
short,  and,  backing  his  horse,  rides  at  the  rail.  The 
Yorkshireman  follows,  but  Jorrocks,  who  espies  a 
weak  place  in  the  fence  a  few  yards  from  the  gate, 
turns  short,  and,  jumping  off,  prepares  to  lead  over. 
It  is  an  old  gap,  and  the  farmer  has  placed  a  sheep- 
hurdle  on  the  far  side.  Just  as  Jorrocks  has  pulled 
that  out,  his  horse,  who  is  a  bit  of  a  rusher,  and  has 
now  got  his  "  monkey  "  completely  up,  pushes  forward 
while  his  master  is  yet  stooping — and  hitting  him  in 
the  rear,  knocks  him  clean  through  the  fence,  head- 
foremost into  a  squire-trap  beyond  !  ^ — "  Non  redolet 
sed  oletV^  exclaims  the  Yorkshireman,  who  dis- 
mounts in  a  twinkling,  lending  his  friend  a  hand  out 
of  the  unsavoury  cesspool.  "That's  what  comes 
of  hunting  in  a  new-  saddle,  you  see,"  added  he, 
holding  his  nose.  Jorrocks  scrambles  upon  terra  firma, 
and  exhibits  such  a  spectacle  as  provokes  the  shout 
of  the  field.  He  has  lost  his  wig,  his  hat  hangs  to 
his  back,  and  one  side  of  his  person  and  face  is 
completely  japanned  with  black,  odoriferous  mixture. 
"  My  vig ! "  exclaims  he,  spitting  and  spluttering, 
"  but  that's  the  nastiest  hole  I  ever  was  in ;  Fleet 
ditch  is  lavender-water  compared  to  it !  Hooi 
yonder  !  "  hailing  a  lad  ;  "  catch  my  'oss,  boouy  !  " 
Tom    Hills   has   him ;   and   Jorrocks,  pocketing   his 

^"Cockney-Trap"  would  be  a  more  correct  appellation, 
but  we  adhere  to  the  Leicestershire  diction.  In  this  instance 
the  trap  was  placed  as  well  to  secure  the  fence,  as  the  rich 
runnings  of  a  neighbouring  parish  "  midden,"  or  dung-heap. 

-  There  is  a  superstition  among  sportsmen  that  they  are  sure 
to  get  a  fall  the  first  day  they  appear  in  anything  new. 


38     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

wig,  remounts,  rams  his  spurs  into  the  nag,  and 
again  tackles  with  the  pack,  which  had  come  to  a 
momentary  check  on  the  Eden  Bridge  road.  The 
fox  had  been  headed  by  a  party  of  gipsies,  and, 
changing  his  point,  bends  southward  and  again 
reaches  the  hills,  along  which  some  score  of  horse- 
men have  planted  themselves  in  the  likeliest  places 
to  head  him.  Reynard,  however,  is  too  deep  for 
them,  and  has  stolen  down  unperceived.  Poor 
Jorrocks,  what  with  the  violent  exertion  of  riding, 
his  fall,  and  the  souvenir  of  the  cesspool  that  he  still 
bears  about  him,  pulls  up  fairly  exhausted.  "Oh 
dear,"  says  he,  scraping  the  thick  of  the  filth  off  his 
coat  with  his  whip,  "  I'm  reg/ar\y  blown ;  I  carn't 
go  down  with  the  'ounds  this  turn;  but,  my  good 
fellow,"  turning  to  the  Yorkshireman,  who  was  helping 
to  purify  him,  "  don't  let  me  stop  you ;  go  down  by 
all  means,  but  mind,  bear  in  mind  the  quarter  of 
house-lamb — at  half-past  five  to  a  minute.'' 

Many  of  the  cits  now  gladly  avail  themselves  of 
the  excuse  of  assisting  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  clean  himself 
for  pulling  up,  but  as  soon  as  ever  those  that  are 
going  below  the  hill  are  out  of  sight,  and  they  have 
given  him  two  or  three  wipes,  they  advise  him  to  let 
it  "dry  on,"  and  immediately  commence  a  different 
sort  of  amusement — each  man  dives  into  his  pocket 
and  produces  the  eatables. 

Part  of  Jorrocks's  half-quartern  loaf  was  bartered 
with  the  captain  of  an  East  Indiaman.for  a  slice  of 
buffalo-beef.  The  dentist  exchanged  some  veal 
sandwiches  with  a  Jew  for  ham  ones ;  a  lawyer  from 
the  P)Orough  offered  two  slices  of  toast  for  a 
hard-boiled  egg;  in  fact,  there  was  a  pretty  market 
"ouvert "  held.  "  Now,  Tomkins,  where's  the  bottle  ?  " 
demanded  Jenkins.  "  Vy,  I  thought  you  would 
bring  it  out  to-day,"  said  he,  "  I  brought  it  last  time, 
you  know."  "Take  a  little  of  mine,  sir,"  said  a 
gentleman,  presenting  a  leather-covered  flask — "real 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  39 

Thomson  and  Fearon,  I  assure  you."  "  I  wish 
someone  would  fetch  an  ocean  of  porter  from  the 
nearest  public,"  said  another.  "Take  a  cigar,  sir?" 
"No;  I  feel  werry  much  obliged,  but  they  always 
make  me  womit."  "  Is  there  any  gentleman  here  going 
to  Halifax,  who  would  like  to  make  a  third  in  a  new 
yellow  barouche,  with  lavender-coloured  wheels,  and 

pink  lining?"  inquired  Mr.  ,  the  coachmaker. 

"  Look  at  the  hounds,  gentlemen  sportsmen,  my 
noble  sportsmen  ! "  bellowed  out  an  Epsom  Dorling's 
correct-listseller^ — and,  turning  their  eyes  in  the 
direction  in  which  he  was  looking,  our  sportsmen 
saw  them  again  making  for  the  hills.  Pepper-and- 
salt  first,  and  oh,  what  a  goodly  tail  was  there  ! — 
three  quarters  of  a  mile  in  length,  at  the  least.  Now 
up  they  come — the  '■'^ corps  de  reserve''''  again  join,  and 
again  a  party  halt  upon  the  hills.  Again  Tom  Hills 
exchanges  horses ;  and  again  the  hounds  go  on  in  full 
cry.  "  I  must  be  off,"  said  a  gentleman  in  balloon- 
like leathers  to  another  tiger  ;  "  we  have  just  time 
to  get  back  to  town,  and  ride  round  by  the  park 
before  it  is  dark — much  better  than  seeing  the  end 
of  this  brute.  Let  us  go " ; — and  away  they  went 
to  canter  through  Hyde  Park^  in  their  red  coats. 
"I  must  go  and  all,"  said  another  gentleman ;  "my 
dinner  will  be  ready  at  five,  and  it  is  now  three." 
Jorrocks  was  game ;  and,  forgetting  the  quarter  of 
house-lamb,  again  tackled  with  the  pack.  A  smaller 
sweep  sufficed  this  time,  and  the  hills  \vere  once 
more  descended,  Jorrocks  the  first  to  lead  the  way. 
He  well  knew  the  fox  was  sinking,  and  was  determined 
to  be  in  at  the  death.  Short  running  ensued — a 
check — the  fox  had  lain  down,  and  they  had  overrun 
the  scent.  Now  they  were  on  him,  and  Tom  Hills's 
whoop  confirmed  the  whole. 

"  Ah  1  Tom  Hills,  Tom  Hills  ! "  exclaimed  Jorrocks, 

*  It  is  a  melancholy  fact  that  three-fourths  of  the  red-coated 
gentry  who  attend  hounds  go  out  on  a  similar  principle. 


40    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

as  the  former  took  up  the  fox,  "'o\v  splendid,  'ow 
truly  brilliant — by  Jove,  you  deserve  to  be  Lord 
Hill — oh,  had  he  but  a  brush  that  we  might  present 
it  to  this  gentleman  from  the  north-east  side  of  the 
town  of  Boroughbridge,  in  the  county  of  York,  to 
show  the  gallant  doings  of  the  men  of  Surrey."     "  Ay," 

said  Tom,  "  but  Squire 's  keeper  has  been  before 

us  for  it."  1 

"  Now,"  said  a  gentleman  in  a  cap,  to  another  in 
a  hat,  "if  you  will  ride  up  the  hill  and  collect  the 
money  there,  I  will  do  so  below — half  a  crown,  if 
you  please,  sir ; — half  a  crown,  if  you  please,  sir. — 
Have  I  got  your  half  a  crown,  sir  ?  " — "  Here's  three 
shillings  if  you  will  give  me  sixpence."  "  Certainly, 
sir — certainly."  "We  have  no  time  to  spare,"  said 
Jorrocks,  looking  at  his  watch,  "good  afternoon, 
gentlemen,  good  afternoon," — muttering  as  he  went, 
"  a  quarter  of  house-lamb  at  half-past  five — Mrs. 
Jorrocks  werry  punctual — old  Fleecy  werry  particular." 
They  cut  across  country  to  Croydon,  and  as  they 
approached  the  town  innumerable  sportsmen  came 
flocking  in  from  all  quarters.  "What  sport  have 
you  had?"  inquired  Jorrocks  of  a  gentleman  in 
scarlet,  "have  you  been  with  JoUiffe?"  "No,  with 
the  stag-hounds !  three  beautiful  runs  ;  took  him  once 
in  a  mill-pond,  once  in  a  barn,  and  once  in  a  brick- 
field— altogether  the  finest  day's  sport  I  ever  saw 
in  my  life."  "  What  have  you  done,  Mr  .J.  ?  "  "  Oh, 
we  have  had  a  most  gallant  thing  !  a  brilliant  run 
indeed — three  hours  and  twenty  minutes  without  a 
check — over  the  finest  country  imaginable."     "  And 

^  A  "  pump  "  who  used  to  scribble  under  the  signature  of 
"The  Spectator,"  in  the  Old  Sporting  Magazine,  once  essayed 
to  write  a  graphic  description  of  a  day  with  these  hounds 
which  was  to  put  Leicestershire  men  out  of  conceit  with  their 
country  ;  and  so  by  way  of  preserving  the  wild  character- 
istic of  the  chase,  he  introduced  a  fox  that  had  been  deprived 
of  his  brush  by  a  keeper  when  a  cub,  and  "hand  fed"  for 
aught  we  know  to  the  contrary. 


YORKSHIREMAN  AND  THE  SURREY  41 

who  got  the  brush  ?  "  inquired  the  stag-man.  "  Oh, 
it  was  a  gallant  run,"  said  Jorrocks,  by  far  the  finest 
I  ever  remember."  "But  did  you  kill?"  demanded 
his  friend.  "  Kill !  to  be  sure  we  did.  When  don't 
the  Surrey  kill,  I  should  like  to  know?"  "And 
who  got  his  brush,  did  you  say ? "  "I  can't  tell," 
said  he ;  "  didn't  hear  the  gentleman's  name." 
"  What  sport  has  Mr.  Meager  had  to-day  ?  "  inquired 
he  of  a  gentleman  in  trousers  who  issued  from  a 
side  lane  into  the  high  road.  "  I  have  been  with  the 
Sanderstead,  sir,  a  very  capital  day's  sport ; — run 
five  hares  and  killed  three.  We  should  have  killed 
four — only — we  didn't."  "  I  don't  think  Mr.  Meager 
has  done  anything  to-day."  "  Yes,  he  has,"  said  a 
gentleman  who  just  joined,  with  a  hare  buckled  on 
in  front  of  his  saddle,  and  his  white  cords  all  stained 
with  blood.  "  We  killed  this  chap  after  an  hour  and 
forty-five  minutes'  gallop  ;  and  accounted  for  another 
by  losing  her  after  upwards  of  three-quarters  of  an 
hour."  "  Well,  then,  we  have  all  had  sport,"  said 
Jorrocks,  as  he  spurred  his  horse  into  a  trot,  and 
made  for  Morton's  stables — "and  if  the  quarter  of 
house-lamb  is  but  right,  then  indeed  am  I  a  happy 
man." 


SURREY  SHOOTING— MR.  JORROCKS  IN 
TROUBLE 

OUR  readers  are  now  becoming  pretty  familiar 
with  our  principal  hero,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  and  we 
hope  he  improves  on  acquaintance.  Our  fox-hunting 
friends,  we  are  sure,  will  allow  him  to  be  an  enthusi- 
astic member  of  the  brotherhood,  and  though  we  do 
not  profess  to  put  him  in  competition  with  Musters, 
Osbaldiston,  or  any  of  those  sort  of  men,  we  yet 
mean  to  say  that  had  his  lot  been  cast  in  the  country 
instead  of  behind  a  counter,  his  keenness  would  have 
rendered  him  as  conspicuous — if  not  as  scientific — as 
the  best  of  them. 

For  a  cockney  sportsman,  however,  he  is  a  very 
excellent  fellow — frank,  hearty,  open,  generous,  and 
hospitable,  and  with  the  exception  of  riding  up  Fleet 
Street  one  Saturday  afternoon,  with  a  cock-pheasant's 
tail  sticking  out  of  his  red  coat  pocket,  no  one  ever 
saw  him  do  a  cock-tail  action  in  his  life. 

The  circumstances  attending  that  exhibition  are 
rather  curious. — He  had  gone  out  as  usual  on  a 
Saturday,  to  have  a  day  with  the  Surrey,  but  on 
mounting  his  hunter  at  Croydon,  he  felt  the  nag 
rather  queer  under  him,  and  thinking  he  might  have 
been  pricked  in  the  shoeing,  he  pulled  up  at  the 
smith's  at  Addington  to  have  his  feet  examined. 
This  lost  him  five  minutes,  and  unfortunately  when 
he  got  to  the  meet  he  found  that  a  "travelling^  fox" 

^  He  might  well  be  called  a  "  travelling  fox,"  for  it  was  said 
he  had  just  travelled  down  from  Herrings,  in  the  New  Road,  by 
the  Bromley  stage. 

42 


SURREY  SHOOTING  43 

had  been  tallied  at  the  precise  moment  of  throwing 
off,  with  which  the  hounds  had  gone  away  in  their 
usual  brilliant  style,  to  the  tune  of  "  Blue  bonnets  are 
over  the  border."  As  may  be  supposed,  he  was  in 
a  deuce  of  a  rage ;  and  his  first  impulse  prompted 
him  to  withdraw  his  subscription  and  be  done  with 
the  hunt  altogether,  and  he  trotted  forward  "  on  the 
line,"  in  the  hopes  of  catching  them  up  to  tell  them 
so.  In  this  he  was  foiled,  for  after  riding  some 
distance,  he  overtook  a  string  of  Smithfield  horses 
journeying  "  foreign  for  Evans,"  whose  imprints  he 
had  been  taking  for  the  hoof-marks  of  the  hunters. 
About  noon  he  found  himself  dull,  melancholy  and 
disconsolate,  before  the  sign  of  the  Pig  and  Whistle, 
on  the  ^^'esterham  Road,  where,  after  wetting  his 
own  whistle  with  a  pint  of  half-and-half,  he  again 
journeyed  onward,  ruminating  on  the  uncertainty  and 
mutability  of  all  earthly  affairs,  the  comparative 
merits  of  stag,  fox,  and  hare  hunting,  and  the 
necessity  of  getting  rid  of  the  day  somehow  or  other 
in  the  country. 

Suddenly  his  reverie  was  interrupted  by  the  dis- 
charge of  a  gun  in  the  field  adjoining  the  hedge 
along  which  he  was  passing,  and  the  boisterous 
ivhirring  of  a  great  cock-pheasant  over  his  head, 
which  caused  his  horse  to  start  and  stop  short,  and 
to  nearly  pitch  Jorrocks  over  his  head.  The  bird 
was  missed,  but  the  sportsman's  dog  dashed  after  it, 
with  all  the  eagerness  of  expectation,  regardless  of 
the  cracks  of  the  whip — the  "  comes  to  heel "  and 
"  downs  to  charge  "  of  the  master.  Jorrocks  pulled 
out  his  hunting  telescope,  and  having  marked  the 
bird  down  with  the  precision  of  a  billiard-table  keeper, 
rode  to  the  gate  to  acquaint  the  shooter  of  the  fact, 
when  to  his  infinite  amazement  he  discovered  his 
friend.  Nosey  Browne  (late  of  "  The  Surrey  "),  who, 
since  his  affairs  had  taken  the  unfortunate  turn 
mentioned  in  the  last  paper,  had  given  up  hunting 


44     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

and  determined  to  confine  himself  to  shooting  only. 
Nosey,  however,  was  no  great  performer,  as  may  be 
inferred  when  we  state  that  he  had  been  in  pursuit  of 
the  above-mentioned  cock-pheasant  ever  since  day- 
break, and,  after  firing  thirteen  shots  at  him,  had  not 
yet  touched  a  feather. 

His  dog  was  of  the  right  sort — for  Nosey  at  least — 
and  hope  deferred  had  not  made  his  heart  sick  ;  on 
the  contrary,  he  dashed  after  his  bird  for  the 
thirteenth  time  with  all  the  eagerness  he  displayed 
on  the  first.  "Let  me  have  a  crack  at  him,"  said 
Jorrocks  to  Nosey,  after  their  mutual  salutations  were 
over.  "  I  know  where  he  is,  and  I  think  I  can  floor 
him."  Browne  handed  the  gun  to  Jorrocks,  who, 
giving  up  his  hunter  in  exchange,  strode  off,  and, 
having  marked  his  bird  accurately,  he  kicked  him  up 
out  of  a  bit  of  furze,  and  knocked  him  down  as 
"  dead  as  a  door-nail."  By  that  pheasant's  tail  hangs 
the  present  one. 

Now,  Nosey  Browne  and  Jorrocks  were  old  friends, 
and  Nosey's  affairs  having  gone  crooked,  why,  of 
course,  like  most  men  in  a  similar  situation,  he  was 
all  the  better  for  it;  and  while  his  creditors  were 
taking  twopence-halfpenny  in  the  pound,  he  was 
taking  his  diversion  on  his  wife's  property,  which  a 
sagacious  old  father-in-law  had  secured  to  the  family 
in  the  event  of  such  a  contingency  as  a  failure 
happening;  so,  knowing  Jorrocks's  propensity  for 
sports,  and  being  desirous  of  chatting  over  all  his 
gallant  doings  with  "The  Surrey,"  shortly  after  the 
above-mentioned  day  he  despatched  a  "twopenny," 
offering  him  a  day's  shooting  on  his  property  in 
Surrey,  adding  that  he  hoped  he  would  dine  with 
him  after.  Jorrocks  being  invited  himself,  with  a 
freedom  peculiar  to  fox-hunters,  invited  his  friend  the 
Yorkshireman,  and,  visiting  his  armoury,  selected  him 
a  regular  shot-scatterer  of  a  gun,  capable  of  carrying 
ten  yards  on  every  side. 


SURREY  SHOOTING  45 

At  the  appointed  hour  on  the  appointed  morning 
the  Yorkshireman  appeared  in  Great  Coram  Street, 
where  he  found  Mr.  Jorroclcs  in  the  parlour,  in  the 
act  of  setthng  himself  into  a  new  spruce  green  cut- 
away gambroon  butler's  pantry-jacket,  with  pockets 
equal  to  holding  a  powder-flask  each,  his  lower  man 
being  attired  in  tight  drab  stocking-net  pantaloons, 
and  Hessian  boots  with  large  tassels — a  striking 
contrast  to  the  fustian  pocket-and-all-pocket  jackets 
marked  with  game-bag  strap,  and  shot-belt,  and 
the  weather-beaten,  many-coloured  breeches  and 
gaiters,  and  hob-nail  shoes,  that  compose  the  equip- 
ment of  a  shooter  in  Yorkshire.  Mr.  Jorrocks  not 
keeping  any  "sporting  dogs,"  as  the  tax-papers  call 
them,  had  borrowed  a  fat  house-dog — a  cross  between 
a  setter  and  a  Dalmatian — of  his  friend  Mr.  Ever- 
green, the  greengrocer,  which  he  had  seen  make  a 
most  undeniable  point  one  morning  in  the  Copen- 
hagen Fields  at  a  flock  of  pigeons  in  a  beet-root 
garden.  This  valuable  animal  was  now  attached  by 
a  trash-cord  through  a  ring  in  his  brass  collar  to  a 
leg  of  the  sideboard,  while  a  clean-licked  dish  at  his 
side  showed  that  Jorrocks  had  been  trying  to  attach 
him  to  himself,  by  feeding  him  before  starting. 

"  We'll  take  a  coach  to  the  Castle,"  said  Jorrocks, 
"  and  then  get  a  '  go-cart '  or  a  cast  somehow  or  other 
to  Streatham,  for  we  shall  have  walking  enough  when 
we  get  there.  Browne  is  an  excellent  fellow,  and 
will  make  us  range  every  acre  of  his  estate  over  half 
a  dozen  times  before  we  give  in."  A  coach  was 
speedily  summoned,  into  which  Jorrocks,  the  dog 
Pompey,  the  Yorkshireman,  and  the  guns  were 
speedily  placed,  and  away  they  drove  to  the  Elephant 
and  Castle. 

There  were  short  stages  about  for  every  possible 
place  except  Streatham,  Greenwich,  Deptford,  Black- 
heath,  Eltham,  Bromley,  Footscray,  Beckenham  and 
Lewisham, — all  places  but  the  right.     However,  there 


46     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

were  abundance  of  "^^-carts,"  a  species  of  vehicle 
that  ply  in  the  outskirts  of  the  Metropolis,  and  which, 
like  the  watering-place  "y?^,"  take  their  name  from  the 
contrary — in  fact,  a  sort  of  lucus  a  non  lucendo.  They 
are  carts  on  springs,  drawn  by  one  horse  (with  curtains 
to  protect  the  company  from  the  weather),  the  drivers 
of  which,  partly  by  cheating,  and  partly  by  picking 
pockets,  eke  out  a  comfortable  existence,  and  are  the 
most  lawless  set  of  rascals  under  the  sun.  Their 
arrival  at  the  Elephant  and  Castle  was  a  signal  for 
a  general  muster  of  the  fraternity,  who,  seeing  the 
guns,  were  convinced  that  their  journey  was  only 
what  they  call  "  a  few  miles  down  the  road,"  and  they 
were  speedily  surrounded  by  twenty  or  thirty  of 
them,  all  with  excellent  "  'osses,  vot  vould  take  their 
honours  fourteen  miles  an  hour."  All  men  of 
business  are  aware  of  the  advantages  of  competition, 
and  no  one  more  so  than  Jorrocks,  who  stood 
listening  to  their  offers  with  the  utmost  sang-froid, 
until  he  closed  with  one  to  take  them  to  Streatham 
church  for  two  shillings,  and  deliver  them  within  the 
half-hour,  which  was  a  signal  for  all  the  rest  to  set-to 
and  abuse  them,  their  coachman,  and  his  horse,  which 
they  swore  had  been  carrying  "stiff-uns"^  all  night, 
and  "  could  not  go  not  none  at  all."  Nor  were  they 
far  wrong ;  for  the  horse,  after  scrambling  a  hundred 
yards  or  two,  gradually  relaxed  into  something 
between  a  walk  and  a  trot,  while  the  driver  kept 
soliciting  every  passer-by  to  "  ride,"  much  to  our 
sportsmen's  chagrin,  who  conceived  they  were  to 
have  the  "  go  "  all  to  themselves.  Remonstrance  was 
vain,  and  he  crammed  in  a  master  chimney-sweep, 
Major  Ballenger,  the  licensed  dealer  in  tea,  coffee, 
tobacco,  and  snuff,  of  Streatham  (a  customer  of 
Jorrocks),  and  a  wet  nurse ;  and  took  up  an  Italian 
organ-grinder  to  ride  beside  himself  on  the  front, 
before  they  had  accomplished  Brixton  Hill.  Jorrocks 
^  Doing  a  bit  of  resurrection  work. 


SURREY  SHOOTING  47 

swore  most  lustily  that  he  would  fine  him,  and  at 
every  fresh  assurance  the  driver  offered  a  passer-by 
a  seat ;  but  having  enlisted  Major  Ballenger  into 
their  cause,  they  at  length  made  a  stand,  which, 
unfortunately  for  them,  was  more  than  the  horse 
could  do,  for  just  as  he  was  showing  off,  as  he  thought, 
with  a  bit  of  a  trot,  down  they  all  soused  in  the  mud. 
Great  was  the  scramble  ;  guns,  barrel-organ,  Pompey, 
Jorrocks,  driver,  master  chimney  -  sweep.  Major 
Ballenger,  were  all  down  together,  while  the  wet 
nurse,  who  sat  at  the  end  nearest  the  door,  was 
chucked  clean  over  the  hedge  into  a  dry  ditch.  This 
was  a  signal  to  quit  the  vessel,  and,  having  extricated 
themselves  the  best  way  they  could,  they  all  set  off 
on  foot,  and  left  the  driver  to  right  himself  at  his 
leisure. 

Ballenger  looked  rather  queer  when  he  heard  they 
were  going  to  Nosey  Browne's,  for  it  so  happened 
that  Nosey  had  managed  to  walk  into  his  books  for 
groceries  and  kitchen-stuff  to  the  tune  of  fourteen 
pounds,  a  large  sum  to  a  man  in  a  small  way  of 
business ;  and  to  be  entertaining  friends  so  soon 
after  his  composition,  seemed  curious  to  Ballenger's 
uninitiated  suburban  mind. 

Crossing  Streatham  Common,  a  short  turn  to  the 
left  by  some  yew  trees  leads,  by  a  near  cut  across  the 
fields,  to  Browne's  house ;  a  fiery-red  brick  castellated 
cottage,  standing  on  the  slope  of  a  gentle  eminence, 
and  combining  almost  every  absurdity  a  cockney 
imagination  can  be  capable  of.  Nosey,  who  was  his 
own  "  Nash,"  set  out  with  the  intention  of  making  it 
a  castle  and  nothing  but  a  castle,  and  accordingly 
the  windows  were  made  in  the  loophole  fashion,  and 
the  door  occupied  a  third  of  the  whole  frontage. 
The  inconveniences  of  the  arrangements  were  soon 
felt,  for  while  the  light  was  almost  excluded  from  the 
rooms,  "  rude  Boreas  "  had  the  complete  run  of  the 
castle  whenever  the  door  was  opened.    To  remedy  this, 


4S     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Nosey  increased  the  one  and  curtailed  the  other,  and 
the  Gothic  oak-painted  windows  and  door  flew  from 
their  positions  to  make  way  for  modern  plate-glass  in 
rich  pea-green  casements,  and  a  door  of  similar  hue. 
The  battlements,  however,  remained,  and  two  wooden 
guns  guarded  a  brace  of  chimney-pots  and  com- 
manded the  wings  of  the  castle,  one  whereof  was 
formed  into  a  green-,  the  other  into  a  ^/^-house. 

The  peals  of  a  bright  brass-handled  bell  at  a 
garden-gate,  surmounted  by  a  holly-bush  with  the  top 
cut  into  the  shape  of  a  fox,  announced  their  arrival 
to  the  inhabitants  of  "Rosalinda  Castle,"  and  on 
entering,  they  discovered  young  Nosey  in  the  act  of 
bobbing  for  gold-fish,  in  a  pond  about  the  size  of  a 
soup-basin ;  while  Nosey  senior,  a  fat,  stupid-looking 
fellow,  with  a  large  corporation  and  a  bottle  nose, 
attired  in  a  single-breasted  green  cloth  coat,  buff 
waistcoat,  with  drab  shorts  and  continuations,  was 
reposing,  '■^  sub  tegfnine  fagi"  in  a  sort  of  tea-garden 
arbour,  overlooking  a  dung-heap,  waiting  their  arrival 
to  commence  an  attack  upon  the  sparrows  which  were 
regaling  thereon.  At  one  end  of  the  garden  was  a 
sort  of  temple,  composed  of  oyster-shells,  containing 
a  couple  of  carrier-pigeons,  with  which  Nosey  had 
intended  making  his  fortune,  by  the  early  information 
to  be  acquired  by  them  ;  but  "there  is  many  a  slip," 
etc.,  as  Jorrocks  would  say. 

Greetings  being  over,  and  Jorrocks  having  paid  a 
visit  to  the  larder,  and  made  up  a  stock  of  provisions 
equal  to  a  journey  through  the  Wilderness,  they  ad- 
journed to  the  yard  to  get  the  other  dog,  and  the  man 
to  carry  the  game — or  rather,  the  prog,  for  the  former 
was  but  problematical.  He  was  a  character,  a  sort  of 
chap  of  all  work,  one,  in  short,  "  who  has  no  objection 
to  make  himself  generally  useful " ;  but  if  his  genius 
had  any  decided  bent,  it  was,  perhaps,  an  inclination 
towards  sporting. 

Having  to  act  the  part  of  groom  and  gamekeeper 


SURREY  SHOOTING  49 

during  the  morning,  and  butler  and  footman  in  the 
afternoon,  he  was  attired  in  a  sort  of  composition 
dress,  savouring  of  the  different  characters  performed. 
He  had  on  an  old  white  hat,  a  groom's  fustian  stable- 
coat  cut  down  into  a  shooting-jacket  with  a  whistle 
at  the  button-hole,  red  plush  smalls,  and  top-boots. 

There  is  nothing  a  cockney  delights  in  more  than 
aping  a  country  gentleman,  and  Browne  fancied  him- 
self no  bad  hand  at  it ;  indeed,  since  his  London 
occupation  was  gone,  he  looked  upon  himself  as  a 
country  gentleman,  in  fact.  "Veil,  Joe,"  said  he, 
striddling  and  sticking  his  thumbs  into  the  arm-holes 
of  his  waistcoat,  to  this  invaluable  man  of  all  work, 
"  we  must  show  the  gemmen  some  sport  to-day :  vich 
do  you  think  the  best  line  to  start  upon — shall  we  go 
to  the  ten  h'acre  field,  or  the  plantation,  or  Thomp- 
son's stubble,  or  Timms'  turnips,  or  my  meadow,  or 
vere?"  "Vy,  I  doesn't  know,"  said  Joe;  "there's 
that  old  hen-pheasant  as  we  calls  Drab  Bess,  vot  has 
haunted  the  plantin'  these  two  seasons,  and  none  of 
us  ever  could  'it  (hit),  and  I  hears  that  Jack,  and 
Tom,  and  Bob,  are  still  left  out  of  Thompson's  covey  : 
but  my  eyes!  they're  'special  vild!"  "Vot!  only 
three  left?  where  is  old  Tom,  and  the  old  ramping 
hen  ? "  inquired  Browne.  "  Oh,  Mr.  Smith,  and  a 
party  of  them  'ere  Bankside  chaps,  com'd  down  last 
Saturday's  gone  a  week,  and  rattled  nine-and-twenty 
shots  at  the  covey,  and  got  the  two  old  uns ;  at  least 
it's  supposed  they  were  both  killed,  though  the  seven 
on  'em  only  bagged  one  bird ;  but  I  heard  they  got  a 
goose  or  two  as  they  vent  home.  They  had  a  shot  at 
Old  Tom,  the  hare,  too,  but  he  is  still  alive  ;  at  least 
I  pricked  him  yesterday  morn  across  the  path  into 
the  turnip  field.     Suppose  we  goes  at  him  first  ? " 

The  estate,  like  the  game,  was  rather  deficient  in 
quantity,  but  Browne  was  a  wise  man  and  made  the 
most  of  what  he  had,  and  when  he  used  to  talk  about 
his  "manor"  on  'Change,  people  thought  he  had  at 

4 


50     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

least  a  thousand  acres — the  extent  a  cockney  gener- 
ally advertises  for,  when  he  wants  to  take  a  shooting 
place.  The  following  is  a  sketch  of  what  he  had  : — 
The  east,  as  far  as  the  eye  could  reach,  was  bounded 
by  Norwood,  a  name  dear  to  cockneys,  and  the  scene 
of  many  a  furtive  kiss ;  the  hereditaments  and 
premises  belonging  to  Isaac  Cheatum,  Esq.,  ran 
parallel  with  it  on  the  west,  containing  sixty-three 
acres,  "  be  the  same  more  or  less,"  separated  from 
which,  by  a  small  brook  or  runner  of  water,  came  the 
estate  of  Mr.  Timms,  consisting  of  sixty  acres,  three 
roods,  and  twenty-four  perches,  commonly  called  or 
known  by  the  name  of  Fordham  ;  next  to  it  were  two 
allotments  in  right  of  common,  for  all  manner  of 
cattle  except  cows,  upon  Streatham  Common,  from 
whence  up  to  Rosalinda  Castle,  on  the  west,  lay  the 
estate  of  Mr.  Browne,  consisting  of  fifty  acres  and  two 
perches.  Now,  it  so  happened  that  Browne  had 
formerly  the  permission  to  sport  all  the  way  up  to 
Norwood,  a  distance  of  a  mile  and  a  half,  and  conse- 
quently he  might  have  been  said  to  have  the  right  of 
shooting  in  Norwood  itself,  for  the  keepers  only  direct 
their  attention  to  the  preservation  of  the  timber  and 
the  morals  of  the  visitors  ;  but  since  his  composition 
with  his  creditors,  Mr.  Cheatum,  who  had  "gone  to 
the  wall "  himself  in  former  years,  was  so  scandalized 
at  Browne  doing  the  same,  that  no  sooner  did  his 
name  appear  in  the  Gazette,  than  Cheatum  withdrew 
his  permission,  thereby  cutting  him  off  from  Norwood, 
and  stopping  him  in  pursuit  of  his  game. 

Joe's  proposition  being  duly  seconded,  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
in  the  most  orthodox  manner,  flushed  off  his  old  flint 
and  steel  fire  engine,  and  proceeded  to  give  it  an 
uncommon  good  loading.  The  Yorkshireman,  with  a 
look  of  disgust,  mingled  with  despair,  and  a  glance  at 
Joe's  plush  breeches  and  top-boots,  did  the  same, 
while  Nosey,  in  the  most  considerate,  sportsmanlike 
manner,  merely  shouldered  a  stick,  in  order  that  there 


SURREY  SHOOTING  51 

might  be  no  delicacy  with  his  visitors  as  to  who  should 
shoot  first — a  piece  of  etiquette  that  aids  the  escape  of 
many  a  bird  in  the  neighbourhood  of  London. 

Old  Tom — a  most  unfortunate  old  hare,  that  what 
with  the  harriers,  the  shooters,  the  snarers,  and  one 
thing  and  another,  never  knew  a  moment's  peace,  and 
who  must  have  started  in  the  world  with  as  many  lives 
as  a  cat — being  doomed  to  receive  the  first  crack  on 
this  occasion,  our  sportsmen  stole  gently  down  the 
fallow,  at  the  bottom  of  which  were  the  turnips 
wherein  he  was  said  to  repose ;  but  scarcely  had  they 
reached  the  hurdles  which  divided  the  field,  before  he 
was  seen  legging  it  away  clean  out  of  shot.  Jorrocks, 
who  had  brought  his  gun  to  bear  upon  him,  could 
scarcely  refrain  from  letting  drive,  but  thinking  to 
come  upon  him  again  by  stealth,  as  he  made  his  cir- 
cuit for  Norwood,  he  strode  away  across  the  allotments 
and  Fordham  estate,  and  took  up  a  position  behind  a 
shed  which  stood  on  the  confines  of  Mr.  Timms'  and 
Mr.  Cheatum's  properties.  Here,  having  procured  a 
rest  for  his  gun,  he  waited  until  Old  Tom,  who  had 
tarried  to  nip  a  few  blades  of  green  grass  that  came 
in  his  way,  made  his  appearance.  Presently  he  came 
cantering  along  the  outside  of  the  wood,  at  a  careless, 
easy  sort  of  pace,  betokening  either  perfect  indiffer- 
ence for  the  world's  mischief,  or  utter  contempt  of 
cockney  sportsmen  altogether. 

He  was  a  melancholy,  woe-begone  looking  animal, 
long  and  lean,  with  a  slight  inclination  to  grey  on  his 
dingy  old  coat,  one  that  looked  as  though  he  had 
survived  his  kindred  and  had  already  lived  beyond 
his  day.  Jorrocks,  however,  saw  him  differently,  and 
his  eyes  glistened  as  he  came  within  range  of  his  gun. 
A  well-timed  shot  ends  poor  Tom's  miseries  !  He 
springs  into  the  air,  and  with  a  melancholy  scream 
rolls  neck  over  heel.  Knowing  that  Pompey  would 
infallibly  spoil  him  if  he  got  up  first,  Jorrocks,  with- 
out waiting  to  load,  was  in  the  act  of  starting  off  to 


52     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

pick  him  up,  when,  at  the  first  step,  he  found  himself 
in  the  grasp  of  a  Herculean  monster,  something 
between  a  coalheaver  and  a  gamekeeper,  who  had 
been  secreted  behind  the  shed.  Nosey  Browne,  who 
had  been  watching  his  movements,  holloaed  out  to 
Jorrocks  to  "  hold  hard,"  who  stood  motionless  on 
the  spot  from  whence  he  fired,  and  Browne  was 
speedily  alongside  of  him.  "  You  are  on  Squire 
Cheatum's  estate,"  said  the  man ;  "  and  I  have 
authority  to  take  up  all  poachers  and  persons  found 
unlawfully  trespassing  ;  what's  your  name  ?  "  "  He's 
not  on  Cheatum's  estate,"  said  Browne.  "  He  is," 
said  the  man.  "You're  a  liar,"  said  Browne. 
"  You're  another,"  said  the  man.  And  so  they  went 
on  ;  for  when  such  gentlemen  meet,  compliments  pass 
current.  At  length  the  keeper  pulled  out  a  foot-rule, 
and,  keeping  Jorrocks  in  the  same  position  he  caught 
him,  he  set-to  to  measure  the  distance  of  his  foot  from 
the  boundary,  taking  off  in  a  line  from  the  shed  ; 
when  it  certainly  did  appear  that  the  length  of  a  big 
toe  was  across  the  mark,  and  putting  up  his  measure 
again,  he  insisted  upon  taking  Jorrocks  before  a 
magistrate  for  the  trespass.  Of  course,  no  objection 
could  be  made,  and  they  all  adjourned  to  Mr. 
Boreem's,  when  the  whole  case  was  laid  before  him. 
To  cut  a  long  matter  short, — after  hearing  the  pros 
and  cons,  and  referring  to  the  act  of  parliament,  his 
worship  decided  that  a  trespass  had  been  committed ; 
and  though,  he  said,  it  went  against  the  grain  to  do 
so,  he  fined  Jorrocks  in  the  mitigated  penalty  of  one 
pound  one. 

This  was  a  sad  damper  to  our  heroes,  who  returned 
to  the  castle  with  their  prog  untouched,  and  no  great 
appetite  for  dinner.  Being  only  a  family  party,  when 
Mrs.  B.  retired  the  subject  naturally  turned  upon  the 
morning's  mishap,  and  at  every  glass  of  port  Jorrocks 
waxed  more  valiant,  until  he  swore  he  would  appeal 
against  the  "  conwiction  "  ;  and  remaining  in  the  same 


:r^ 


SURREY  SHOOTING  53 

mind  when  he  awoke  the  next  morning,  he  took  the 
Temple  in  his  way  to  St.  Botolph  Lane  and  had  six- 
and-eightpence  worth  with  Mr.  Capias  the  attorney, 
who  very  judiciously  argued  each  side  of  the  question 
without  venturing  an  opinion,  and  proposed  stating  a 
case  for  counsel  to  advise  upon. 

As  usual,  he  gave  one  that  would  cut  either  way, 
though  if  it  had  any  tendency  whatever,  it  was  to 
induce  Jorrocks  to  go  on ;  and  he  not  wanting  much 
persuasion,  it  will  not  surprise  our  readers  to  hear 
that  Jorrocks,  Capias,  and  the  Yorkshireman  were  seen 
a  few  days  after  crossing  Waterloo  Bridge  in  a  yellow 
post-chaise,  on  their  way  to  Croydon  sessions. 

After  a  "guinea"  consultation  at  the  Greyhound, 
they  adjourned  to  the  Court,  which  was  excessively 
crowded,  Jorrocks  being  as  popular  with  the  farmers 
and  people  as  Cheatum  was  the  reverse.  Party  feeling 
too  running  rather  high  at  the  time,  there  had  been  a 
strong  "  whip "  among  the  magistrates  to  get  a  full 
attendance  to  reverse  Boreem's  conviction,  who  had 
made  himself  rather  obnoxious  on  the  blue  interest  at 
the  election.  Of  course  they  all  came  in  new  hats,^ 
and  sat  on  the  bench,  looking  as  wise  as  gentlemen 
judges  generally  do. 

One  hundred  and  twenty-two  afifiliation  cases  (for 
this  was  in  the  old  poor  law  time)  having  been  disposed 
of,  about  one  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  the  chairman, 
Mr.  Tomkins  of  Tomkins,  moved  the  order  of  the 
day.  He  was  a  perfect  prototype  of  a  county 
magistrate — with  a  bald,  powdered  head  covered  by  a 
low-crowned,  broad-brimmed  hat,  hair  terminating 
behind  in  a  queue,  resting  on  the  ample  collar  of  a 
snuff-brown  coat,  with  a  large  bay-window  of  a  cor- 
poration, with  difficulty  retained  by  the  joint  efforts 
of  a  buff  waistcoat  and   the  waistband  of  a  pair  of 

^  Magistrates  always  buy  their  hats  about  Session  times,  as 
they  have  the  privilege  of  keeping  their  hats  on  their  blocks  in 
court. 


54     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

yellow  leather  breeches.  His  countenance,  which  was 
solemn  and  grave  in  the  extreme,  might  either  be 
indicative  of  sense,  or  what  often  serves  in  the  place 
of  wisdom — when  parties  can  only  hold  their  tongues 
— great  natural  stupidity.  From  the  judge's  seat, 
which  he  occupied  in  the  centre  of  the  Bench,  he 
observed,  with  immense  dignity,  "  There  is  an  appeal 
of  Jorrocks  against  Cheatum,  which  we,  the  Bench  of 
Magistrates  of  our  Lord  the  King,  will  take  if  the 
parties  are  ready,"  and  immediately  the  court  rang 
with  "  Jorrocks  and  Cheatum  !  Jorrocks  and  Cheatum  ! 
Mr.  Capias  attorney  at  law  !  Mr.  Capias  answer  to  his 
name  !  Mr.  Sharp  attorney  at  law  !  Mr.  Sharp's  in  the 
jury  room. — Then  go  fetch  him  directly,"  from  the 
ushers  and  bailiffs  of  the  court ;  for  though  Tomkins 
of  Tomkins  was  slow  himself,  he  insisted  upon  others 
being  quick,  and  was  a  great  hand  at  prating  about 
saving  the  time  of  the  suitors.  At  length  the  bustle 
of  counsel  crossing  the  table,  parties  coming  in  and 
others  leaving  court,  bailiffs  shouting,  and  ushers 
responding,  gradually  subsided  into  a  whisper  of 
"  That's  Jorrocks  !  that's  Cheatum  !  "  as  the  belligerent 
parties  took  their  places  by  their  respective  counsel. 
Silence  having  been  called  and  procured,  Mr.  Smirk,  a 
goodish-looking  man  for  a  lawyer,  having  deliberately 
unfolded  his  brief,  which  his  clerk  had  scored  plentifully 
in  the  margin,  to  make  the  attorney  believe  he  had 
read  it  very  attentively,  rose  to  address  the  court — a 
signal  for  half  the  magistrates  to  pull  the  newspapers 
out  of  their  pockets,  and  the  other  half  to  settle  them- 
selves down  for  a  nap,  all  the  sport  being  considered 
over  when  the  affiliation  cases  closed. 

"I  have  the  honour  to  appear  on  behalf  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks,"  said  Mr.  Smirk,  "a  gentleman  of  the  very 
highest  consideration — a  fox-hunter — a  shooter — and 
a  grocer.  In  ordinary  cases  it  might  be  necessary  to 
prove  the  party's  claim  to  respectability,  but  in  this 
instance,  I  feel  myself  relieved  from  any  such  obliga- 


SURREY  SHOOTING  55 

tion,  knowing,  as  I  do,  that  there  is  no  one  in  this 
court,  no  one  in  these  realms, — I  might  almost  add, 
no  one  in  this  world, — to  whom  the  fame  of  my  most 
respectable,  most  distinguished,  and  much  injured 
client  is  unknown.  Not  to  know  Jorrocks  is  indeed 
to  argue  one-self  unknown. 

"  This  is  a  case  of  no  ordinary  interest,  and  I 
approach  it  with  a  deep  sense  of  its  importance, 
conscious  of  my  inability  to  do  justice  to  the  subject, 
and  lamenting  that  it  has  not  been  entrusted  to  abler 
hands.  It  is  a  case  involving  the  commercial  and 
the  sporting  character  of  a  gentleman  against  whom 
the  breath  of  calumny  has  never  yet  been  drawn — of 
a  gentleman  who,  in  all  the  relations  of  life,  whether 
as  a  husband,  a  fox-hunter,  a  shooter,  or  a  grocer,  has 
invariably  preserved  that  character  and  reputation,  so 
valuable  in  commercial  life,  so  necessary  in  the  sport- 
ing world,  and  so  indispensable  to  a  man  moving  in 
general  society.  Were  I  to  look  round  London  town 
in  search  of  a  bright  specimen  of  a  man  combining 
the  upright,  sterling  integrity  of  the  honourable 
British  merchant  of  former  days  with  the  ardour  of 
the  English  fox-hunter  of  modern  times,  I  would 
select  my  most  respectable  client,  Mr.  Jorrocks.  He 
is  a  man  for  youth  to  imitate  and  revere  !  Conceive, 
then,  the  horror  of  a  man  of  his  delicate  sensibility — 
of  his  nervous  dread  of  depreciation — being  compelled 
to  appear  here  this  day  to  vindicate  his  character,  nay 
more,  his  honour,  from  one  of  the  foulest  attempts  at 
conspiracy  that  was  ever  directed  against  any  in- 
dividual. I  say  that  a  grosser  attaek  was  never  made 
upon  the  character  of  any  grocer,  and  I  look  con- 
fidently to  the  reversion  of  this  unjust,  unprecedented 
conviction,  and  to  the  triumphant  victory  of  my  most 
respectable  and  public-spirited  client.  It  is  not  for 
the  sake  of  the  few  paltry  shillings  that  he  appeals  to 
this  court — it  is  not  for  the  sake  of  calling  in  question 
the  power  of  the  constituted  authorities  of  this  county 


56     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

—but  it  is  for  the  vindication  and  preservation  of  a 
character  dear  to  all  men,  but  doubly  dear  to  a  grocer, 
and  which  once  lost  can  never  be  regained.  Look,  I 
say,  upon  my  client  as  he  sits  below  the  witness-box, 
and  say  if  in  that  countenance  there  appears  any 
indication  of  a  lawless  or  rebellious  spirit;  look,  I 
say,  if  the  milk  of  human  kindness  is  not  strikingly 
portrayed  in  every  feature,  and  truly  may  I  exclaim 
in  the  words  of  the  poet — 

'  If  to  his  share  some  trifling  errors  fall, 
Look  in  his  face,  and  you'll  forget  them  all.' 

I  regret  to  be  compelled  to  trespass  upon  the  valuable 
time  of  the  court ;  but,  sir,  this  appeal  is  based  on  a 
trespass,  and  one  good  trespass  deserves  another." 

The  learned  gentleman  then  proceeded  to  detail 
the  proceedings  of  the  day's  shooting,  and  afterwards 
to  analyse  the  enactments  of  the  New  Game  Bill, 
which  he  denounced  as  arbitrary,  oppressive,  and 
ridiculous,  and  concluded  a  long  and  energetic  speech 
by  calling  upon  the  Court  to  reverse  the  decision  of 
the  magistrate,  and  not  support  the  preposterous 
position  of  fining  a  man  for  a  trespass  committed  by 
his  toe. 

After  a  few  minutes  had  elapsed,  Mr.  Serjeant 
Bumptious,  a  stiff,  bull-headed  little  man,  desperately 
pitted  with  smallpox,  rose  to  reply,  and,  looking 
round  the  court,  thus  commenced  : — 

"  Five-and-thirty  years  have  I  passed  in  Courts  of 
Justice,  but  never  during  a  long  and  extensive  practice 
have  I  witnessed  so  gross  a  perversion  of  that 
sublimest  gift,  called  eloquence,  as  within  the  last 
hour," — here  he  banged  his  brief  against  the  table, 
and  looked  at  Mr,  Smirk,  who  smiled—"  I  lament, 
sir,  that  it  has  not  been  employed  in  a  better  cause — 
(bang  again — and  another  look).  My  learned  friend 
has,  indeed,  laboured  to  make  the  worst  appear  the 
better  cause — to  convert  into  a  trifle  one  of  the  most 


SURREY  SHOOTING  57 

outrageous  acts  that  ever  disgraced  a  human  being 
or  a  civilized  country.  Well  did  he  describe  the 
importance  of  this  case  ! — important  as  regards  his 
client's  character — important  as  regards  this  great  and 
populous  county — important  as  regards  those  social 
ties  by  which  society  is  held  together — important  as 
regards  a  legislative  enactment,  and  important  as 
regards  the  well-being  and  prosperity  of  the  whole 
nation — (bang,  bang,  bang).  I  admire  the  bombastic 
eloquence  with  which  my  learned  friend  introduced 
his  most  distin^:;uished  client — his  7nost  delicate-minded 
— sensitive  client ! — Truly,  to  hear  him  speaking,  I 
should  have  thought  he  had  been  describing  a  lovely, 
blushing  young  lady,  but  when  he  comes  to  exhibit 
his  paragon  of  perfection,  and  points  out  that  great, 
red-faced  coarse,  vulgar-looking,  lubberly  lump  of 
humanity  (here  Bumptious  looked  at  Jorrocks  as 
though  he  would  eat  him)  sitting  below  the  wutness- 
box,  and  seeks  to  enlist  the  sympathies  of  your 
worships  on  the  Bench — of  you,  gentlemen,  the  high- 
minded,  shrewd,  penetrating  judges  of  this  important 
cause  (and  Bumptious  smiled  and  bowed  along  the 
Bench  upon  all  whose  eyes  he  could  catch)  on  behalf 
of  such  a  monster  of  iniquity,  it  does  make  one  blush 
for  the  degradation  of  the  British  bar — (bang — bang — 
bang — Jorrocks  here  looked  unutterable  things). 
Does  my  learned  friend  think  by  displaying  his  hero 
as  a  fox-hunter,  and  extolling  his  prowess  in  the  field, 
to  gain  over  the  sporting  magistrates  on  the  Bench  ? 
He  knows  little  of  the  upright  integrity — the  uncom- 
promising honesty — the  undeviating,  inflexible  im- 
partiality that  pervades  the  breast  of  every  member  of 
this  tribunal,  if  he  thinks  for  the  sake  of  gain,  fear, 
favour,  hope,  or  reward,  to  influence  the  opinion, 
much  less  turn  the  judgment  of  any  one  of  them." 
(Here  Bumptious  bowed  very  low  to  them  all  and 
laid  his  hand  upon  his  heart.  Tomkins  nodded 
approbation).     "  Far,  far  be  it  from  me  to  dwell  with 


58     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

unbecoming  asperity  on  the  conduct  of  anyone — we 
are  all  mortals — and  alike  liable  to  err ; — but  when  I 
see  a  man  who  has  been  guilty  of  an  act  which  has 
brought  him  all  but  within  the  verge  of  the  prisoners' 
dock ;  I  say,  when  I  see  a  man  who  has  been  guilty  of 
such  an  outrage  on  society  as  this  rufifian  Jorrocks, 
come  forward  with  the  daring  effrontery  that  he  has 
this  day  done,  and  claim  redress  where  he  himself  is 
the  offender,  it  does  create  a  feeling  in  my  mind 
divided  between  disgust  and  amazement " — (bang). 

Here  Jorrocks's  cauldron  boiled  over,  and,  rising 
from  his  seat  with  an  outstretched  shoulder-of-mutton 
fist,  he  bawled  out,  "  D — n  you,  sir,  what  do  you 
mean  ?  " 

The  court  was  thrown  into  amazement,  and  even 
Bumptious  quailed  before  the  fist  of  the  mighty 
Jorrocks.  "I  claim  the  protection  of  the  court,"  he 
exclaimed.  Mr.  Tomkins  interposed,  and  said  he 
should  certainly  order  Mr.  Jorrocks  into  custody  if 
he  repeated  his  conduct,  adding  that  it  was  "  most 
disrespectful  to  the  justices  of  our  Lord  the  King." 

Bumptious  paused  a  little  to  gather  breath  and  a 
fresh  volume  of  venom  wherewith  to  annihilate 
Jorrocks,  and,  catching  his  eye,  he  transfixed  him 
like  a  rattlesnake,  and  again  resumed. 

"How  stands  the  case?"  said  he — "This  cockney 
grocer — for  after  all  he  is  nothing  else — who  I  daresay 
scarcely  knows  a  hawk  from  a  hand-saw,  leaves  his 
figs  and  raisins,  and  sets  out  on  a  marauding  ex- 
cursion into  the  county  of  Surrey,  and  regardless  of 
property — of  boundaries — of  laws — of  liberties — of  life 
itself — strides  over  every  man's  land,  letting  drive  at 
whatever  comes  in  his  way  !  The  hare  he  shot  on 
this  occasion  was  a  pet  hare  ! — For  three  successive 
summers  had  Miss  Cheatum  watched  and  fed  it  with 
all  the  interest  and  anxiety  of  a  parent.  I  leave  it 
to  you,  gentlemen,  who  have  daughters  of  your  own, 
with  pets  also,  to  picture  to  yourselves  the  agony  of 


SURREY  SHOOTING  59 

her  mind  on  finding  that  her  favourite  had  found  its 
way  down  the  throat  of  that  great  guzzling,  gormandiz- 
ing, cockney  cormorant ;  and  then,  forsooth,  because 
he  is  fined  for  the  outrageous  trespass,  he  comes  here 
as   the   injured   party,  and   instructs   his  counsel  to 
indulge   in    Billingsgate   abuse    that   would   disgrace 
the  mouth  of  an  Old  Bailey  practitioner !     I  regret 
that  instead  of  the  insignificant  fine  imposed  upon 
him,  the  law  did  not  empower  the  worthy  magistrate 
to  send  him  to  the  treadmill,  there  to  recreate  himself 
for  six  or  eight  months,  as  a  warning  to  the  whole 
fraternity  of  lawless  vagabonds."     Here  he  nodded 
his  head  at  Jorrocks,  as  much  as  to  say — "  I'll  trounce. 
you,  my  boy  ! "     He  then  produced  maps  and  plans- 
of  the  different  estates,  and  a  model  of  the  shed,  ta 
show  how  it  all  happened,  and,  after  going  through 
the  case  in  such  a  strain  as  would  induce  one  to 
believe  it  was  a   trial  for   murder  or   high   treason,, 
concluded  as  follows  : — 

"The  eyes  of  England  are  upon  us — reverse  this 
conviction,  and  you  let  loose  a  rebel  band  upon  the 
country,  ripe  for  treason,  stratagem,  or  spoil — you 
overturn  the  finest  order  of  society  in  the  world ; 
henceforth  no  man's  property  will  be  safe,  the  laws 
will  be  disregarded,  and  even  the  upright,  talented 
and  independent  magistracy  of  England  brought  into 
contempt.  But  I  feel  convinced  that  your  decision 
will  be  far  otherwise — that  by  it  you  will  teach  these 
hot-headed  —  rebellious  —  radical  grocers  that  they 
cannot  offend  with  impunity,  and  show  them  that 
there  is  a  law  which  reaches  even  the  lowest  and 
meanest  inhabitants  of  these  realms,  that  amid  these 
days  of  anarchy  and  innovation  you  will  support  the 
laws  and  aristocracy  of  this  country,  that  you  will 
preserve  to  our  children,  and  our  children's  children, 
those  rights  and  blessings  which  a  great  and  en- 
lightened administration  have  conferred  upon  our- 
selves, and  raise  for  Tomkins  of  Tomkins  and  the 


6o    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

magistracy  of  the  proud  county  of  Surrey,  a  name 
resplendent  in  modern  times,  and  venerated  to  all 
eternity." 

Here  Bumptious  cast  a  parting  frown  at  Jorrocks, 
and,  banging  down  his  l)rief,  tucked  his  gown  under 
his  arm,  turned  on  his  heel,  and  left  the  court,  to 
indulge  in  a  glass  of  pale  sherry,  and  a  sandwich, 
regardless  which  way  the  verdict  went,  so  long  as  he 
had  given  him  a  good  quilting.  The  silence  that 
followed  had  the  effect  of  rousing  some  of  the  dozing 
justices,  who  nudging  those  who  had  fallen  asleep, 
they  all  began  to  stir  themselves,  and  having  laid 
their  heads  together,  during  which  time  they  settled 
the  dinner  hour  for  that  day,  and  the  meets  of  the 
stag-hounds  for  the  next  fortnight,  they  began  to  talk 
of  the  matter  before  the  court. 

"  I  vote  for  reversing,"  said  Squire  Jolthead, 
"Jorrocks  is  such  a  capital  fellow."  "I  tnusi  support 
Boreem,"  said  Squire  Hicks,  "he  gave  me  a  turn 
when  I  made  the  mistaken  commitment  of  Gipsy 
Jack."  "  What  do  you  say,  Mr.  Giles  ?  "  inquired  Mr. 
Tomkins.  "Oh,  anything  you  like,  Mr.  Tomkins." 
"And  you,  Mr.  Hopper?"  who  had  been  asleep  all 
the  time.  "  Oh,  i:;uiliy,  I  should  say^three  months 
at  the  treadmill — privately  whipped,  if  you  like,"  was 
the  reply.  Mr.  Petty  always  voted  on  whichever  side 
Bumptious  was  counsel — the  learned  serjeant  having 
married  his  sister, — and  four  others  always  followed 
the  chair. 

Tomkins  then  turned  round,  the  magistrates  re- 
sumed their  seats  along  the  bench,  and,  coming 
forward,  he  stood  before  the  judge's  chair,  and, 
taking  off  his  hat  with  solemn  dignity  and  precision, 
laid  it  down  exactly  in  the  centre  of  the  desk,  amid 
cries  from  the  bailiffs  and  ushers  for  "  Si/efue,  while 
the  Justices  of  the  Peace  of  our  Sovereign  Lord  the 
King  deliver  the  judgment  of  the  Court." 

"The  appellant  in   this  case,"  said  Mr.  Tomkins, 


SURREY  SHOOTING  6i 

very   slowly,    "seeks   to   set   aside   a   conviction   for 
trespass,  on  the  ground,  as  I  understand,  of  his  not 
having  committed  one.     The  principal  points  of  the 
case  are  admitted,  as  also  the  fact  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
toe,  or  a  part  of  his  toe,  having  intruded  upon  the 
respondent's  estate.     Now,   so  far  as    that    point    is 
concerned,  it  seems  clear  to  myself  and  to  my  brother 
magistrates,  that  it  mattereth  not  how  much  or  how 
little  of  the  toe  was  upon  the  land,  so  long  as  any 
part  thereof  was  there.     '■  De  minitnis  ?ion  curat  lex^ 
— the  English  of  which  is,   'the  law  taketh  no  cog- 
nizance of  fractions ' — is  a  maxim  among  the  salaried 
judges  of  the  inferior   courts   in  Westminster  Hall, 
which  we,  the  unpaid,  the  in-cor-rup-ti-ble  magistrates 
of  the  proud  county  of  Surrey,  have  adopted  in  the 
very  deep  and  mature  deliberation  that  preceded  the 
formation   of  our   most   solemn   judgment.     In   the 
present   great   and   important   case,   we,   the   unpaid 
magistrates  of  our  Sovereign  Lord  the  King,  do  not 
consider  it  necessary  that  there  should  be  'a  toe,  a 
whole  toe,   and  nothing  but  a  toe,'  to  constitute  a 
trespass,  any  more  than  it  would  be  necessary  in  the 
case  of  an  assault  to  prove  that  the  kick  was  given  by 
the  foot,  the  whole  foot,  and  nothing   but  the  foot. 
If  any  part  of  the  toe  was  there,  the  law  considers 
that  it  was  there  in  to-to.     Upon  this  doctrine,  it  is 
clear  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  guilty  of  a  trespass,  and 
the  conviction  must  be  affirmed.     Before  I  dismiss 
the  case  I  must  say  a  few  words  on  the  statute  under 
which  this  decision  takes  place. 

"This  is  the  first  conviction  that  has  taken  place 
since  the  passing  of  the  Act,  and  will  serve  as  a 
precedent  throughout  all  England.  I  congratulate 
the  country  upon  the  efficacy  of  the  tribunal  to  which 
it  has  been  submitted.  The  Court  has  listened  wdth 
great  and  becoming  attention  to  the  arguments  of  the 
counsel  on  both  sides  :  and  though  one  gentleman 
with  a  flippant  ignorance   has  denounced   this  new 


62     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

law  as  inferior  to  the  pre-existing  system,  and  a  curse 
to  the  country,  we,  the  magistrates  of  the  proud 
•county  of  Surrey,  must  enter  our  protest  against  such 
a  doctrine  being  promulgated.  Peradventure,  you 
are  all  acquainted  with  my  prowess  as  a  shooter ;  I 
won  two  silver  tankards  at  the  Red  House,  Anno 
Domini,  1815.  I  mention  this  to  show  that  I  am  a 
practical  sportsman  ;  and  as  to  the  theory  of  the  Game 
Laws,  I  derive  my  information  from  the  same  source 
that  you  may  all  derive  yours — from  the  bright  re- 
fulgent pages  of  the  New  Sporting  Magazine  ! " 


MR.  JORROCKS  AND  THE  SURREY 
STAG-HOUNDS 

THE  Surrey  fox-hounds  had  closed  their  season — 
a  most  brilliant  one — but  ere  Mr.  Jorrocks 
consigned  his  boots  and  breeches  to  their  summer 
slumber,  he  bethought  of  having  a  look  at  the  Surrey 
stag-hounds,  a  pack  now  numbered  among  the  things 
that  were. 

Of  course  he  required  a  companion,  were  it  only 
to  have  someone  to  criticize  the  hounds  with,  so  the 
evening  before  the  appointed  day,  as  the  Yorkshireman 
was  sitting  in  his  old  corner  at  the  far  end  of  the 
Piazza  Coffee-room  in  Covent  Garden,  having  just 
finished  his  second  marrow-bone,  and  glass  of  white 
brandy,  George — the  only  waiter  in  the  room  with  a 
name — came  smirking  up  with  a  card  in  his  hand, 
saying,  that  the  gentleman  was  waiting  outside  to  speak 
with  him.  It  was  a  printed  one,  but  the  large  round 
hand  in  which  the  address  had  been  filled  up  encroach- 
ing upon  the  letters,  had  made  the  name  somewhat 
difficult  to  decipher.  At  length  he  puzzled  out  "  Mr. 
John  Jorrocks — Coram  Street " ;  the  name  of  the  city- 
house  or  shop  in  the  corner  (No. — ,  St.  Botolph's 
Lane)  being  struck  through  with  a  pen.  "Oh,  ask 
him  to  walk  in  directly,"  said  the  Yorkshireman  to 
George,  who  trotted  off;  and  presently  the  flapping  of 
the  doors  in  the  passage  "'mounced  his  approach,  and 
honest  Jorrocks  came  roiiing  up  the  room — not  like  a 
fox-hunter,  or  any  other  sort  of  hunter,  but  like  an 
honest  wholesale  grocer,  fresh  from  the  city. 

"  My  dear  fellow,  I'm  so  glad  to  see  you,  you  can't 

63 


64     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

think,"  said  he,  advancing  with  both  hands  out, 
and  hugging  the  Yorkshireman  after  the  manner  of  a 
Polar  bear,  "  I  have  not  time  to  stay  one  moment ;  I 
have  to  meet  Mr.  Wiggins  at  the  corner  of  Bloomsbury 
Square  at  a  quarter  to  six,  and  it  wants  now  only  seven 
minutes  to,"  casting  his  eye  up  at  the  clock  over  the 
side-board. — "  I  have  just  called  to  say  that  as  you  are 
fond  of  hunting,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  if  you  have 
a  mind  for  a  day  with  the  stag-hounds  to-morrow,  I 
will  mount  you  same  as  before,  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing — you  understand,  eh  ?  "  "  Thank  you,  my  good 
friend,"  said  the  Yorkshireman  ;  "  I  have  nothing  to  do 
to-morrow,  and  am  your  man  for  a  stag-hunt."  "  That's 
right,  my  good  fellow,"  said  Jorrocks,  "then  I'll  tell 
you  what  do — come  and  breakfast  with  me  in  Great 
Coram  Street,  at  half-past  seven  to  a  minute.  I've  got 
one  of  the  first  'ams  (hams)  you  ever  clapt  eyes  on  in 
the  whole  course  of  your  memorable  existence. — Saw 
the  hog  alive  myself — sixteen  score  within  a  pound ; 
must  come — know  you  like  a  fork  breakfast  [dejeune  a 
la  foiichette),  as  we  say  in  France,  eh?  Like  my  Lord 
Mayor's  fool,  I  guess,  love  what's  good  ;  well,  all  right 
too — so  come  without  any  ceremony — us  fox-hunters 
hates  ceremony — where  there's  ceremony  there's  no 
friendship. — Stay — I  had  almost  forgotten,"  added  he, 
checking  himself  as  he  was  on  the  point  of  departure, 
"  When  you  come,  ring  the  area  bell,  and  then  Mrs.  J. 
won't  hear ;  know  you  don't  like  Mrs.  J.  no  more  than 
myself." 

At  the  appointed  hour  the  Yorkshireman  reached 
Great  Coram  Street,  just  as  Old  Jorrrocks  had  opened 
the  door  to  look  down  the  street  for  him.  He  was 
dressed  in  a  fine-flowing,  olive-green  frock  (made  like 
a  dressing-gown),  with  a  black  velvet  collar,  having  a 
gold  embroidered  stag  on  each  side,  gilt  stag  buttons, 
with  rich  embossed  edges  ;  an  acre  of  buff  waistcoat, 
and  a  most  antediluvian  pair  of  bright  yellow-ochre 
buckskins,  made  by  White  of  Tarporley,  in  the  twenty- 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  65 

first  year  of  the  reign  of  George  the  Third  ;  they  were 
double-lashed,  back-stitched,  front-stitched,  middle- 
stitched,  and  patched  at  both  knees,  with  a  slit  up 
behind.  The  coat  he  had  won  in  a  bet,  and  the 
breeches  in  a  raffle,  the  latter  being  then  second  or 
third  hand.  His  boots  were  airing  before  the  fire, 
consequently  he  displayed  an  amplitude  of  calf  in  grey 
worsted  stockings,  while  his  feet  were  thrust  into  green 
slippers.  "So  glad  to  see  you,"  said  he;  "here's  a 
charming  morning,  indeed — regular  southerly  wind 
and  a  cloudy  sky — rare  scenting  it  will  be — think  I 
could  almost  run  a  stag  myself.  Come  in — never 
mind  your  hat,  hang  it  anywhere,  but  don't  make  a 
noise.  I  stole  away  and  left  Mrs.  J.  snoring,  so  won't 
do  to  awake  her,  you  know.  By  the  way,  you  should 
see  my  hat ; — Batsey,  fatch  my  hat  out  of  the  back 
parlour.  I've  set  up  a  new  green  silk  cord,  with  a 
gold  frog  to  fasten  it  to  my  button-hole — werry  illigant, 
I  think,  and  werry  suitable  to  the  dress — quite  my 
own  idea — have  a  notion  all  the  Surrey  chaps  will  get 
them ;  for,  between  you  and  me,  I  set  the  fashions, 
and  what  is  more  I  sometimes  set  them  at  a  leap  too. 
But  now  tell  me,  have  you  any  objection  to  break- 
fasting in  the  kitchen? — more  retired,  you  know,  be- 
sides which  you  get  everything  hot  and  hot,  which  is 
what  I  call  doing  a  bit  of  pl/sure."  "  Not  at  all,"  said 
the  Yorkshireman,  "  so  lead  the  way  "  ;  and  down  they 
walked  to  the  lower  regions. 

It  was  a  nice  comfortable-looking  place,  with  a 
blazing  fire,  half  the  floor  covered  with  an  old  oil-cloth, 
and  the  rest  exhibiting  the  cheerless  aspect  of  the 
naked  flags.  About  a  yard  and  a  half  from  the  fire 
was  placed  the  breakfast  table ;  in  the  centre  stood  a 
magnificent  uncut  ham,  with  a  great  quartern  loaf  on 
one  side  and  a  huge  Bologna  sausage  on  the  other ; 
besides  these  there  were  nine  eggs,  two  pyramids 
of  muftins,  a  great  deal  of  toast,  a  dozen  ship-biscuits, 
and  half  a  pork-pie,  while  a  dozen  kidneys  were 
S 


66    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

spluttering  on  a  spit  before  the  fire,  and  Betsy  held  a 
gridiron  covered  with  mutton-chops  on  the  top ; 
altogether  there  was  as  much  as  would  have  served 
ten  people.  "Now,  sit  down,"  said Jorrocks," and  let 
us  be  doing,  for  I  am  as  hungry  as  a  hunter.  Hope 
you  are  peckish  too ;  what  shall  I  give  you  ?  tea  or 
coffee  ? — but  take  both  —  coffee  first  and  tea  after  a 
bit.  If  /  can't  give  you  them  good,  don't  know  who 
can.  You  must  pay  yonx  devours,  as  we  say  in  France, 
to  the  'am,  for  it  is  an  especial  fine  one,  and  do  take  a 
few  eggs  with  it ;  there,  I've  not  given  you  above  a 
pound  of  'am,  but  you  can  come  again  you  know — 
'  waste  not,  want  not.'  Now  take  some  muffins,  do, 
pray.  Betsey,  bring  some  more  cream,  and  set  the 
kidneys  on  the  table,  the  Yorkshireman  is  getting 
nothing  to  eat.  Have  a  chop  with  your  kidney,  werry 
luxterous — I  could  eat  an  elephant  stuffed  with  gren- 
adiers, and  wash  them  down  with  a  ocean  of  tea ;  but 
pray  lay  in  to  the  breakfast,  or  I  shall  think  you  don't 
like  it.  There,  now  take  some  tea  and  toast  or  one 
of  those  biscuits,  or  whatever  you  like ;  would  a  little 
more  'am  be  agreeable?  Batsey,  run  into  the  larder 
and  see  if  your  Missis  left  any  of  that  cold  chine  of 
pork  last  night— and  hear,  bring  the  cold  goose,  and 
any  cold  flesh  you  can  lay  hands  on,  there  are  really 
no  wittles  on  the  table.  I  am  quite  ashamed  to  set 
you  down  to  such  a  scanty  fork  breakfast ;  but  this  is 
what  comes  of  not  being  master  of  your  own  house. 
Hope  your  hat  may  long  cover  your  family  :  rely  upon 
it,  it  is  '  cheaper  to  buy  your  bacon  than  to  keep  a 
pig.'"  Just  as  Jorrocks  uttered  these  last  words  the 
side-door  opened,  and  without  either  "  with  your  leave 
or  by  your  leave,"  in  bounced  Mrs.  Jorrocks  in  an 
elegant  dishabille  (or  "dish-of-veal,"  as  Jorrocks  pro- 
nounced it),  with  her  hair  tucked  up  in  papers,  and  a 
pair  of  worsted  slippers  on  her  feet,  worked  with  roses 
and  blue  lilies. 

"Pray,  Mister  J.,"  said  she,  taking  no  more  notice 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  67 

of  the  Yorkshi reman  than  if  he  had  been  enveloped 
in  Jack  the  Giant-killer's  coat  of  darkness,"  what  is  the 
meaning  of  this  card  ?  I  found  it  in  your  best  coat 
pocket,  which  you  had  on  last  night,  and  I  do  desire, 
sir,  that  you  will  tell  me  how  it  came  there.  Good  morn- 
ing, sir  (spying  the  Yorkshireman  at  last),  perhaps  you 
know  where  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  last  night,  and  perhaps 
yoti  can  tell  me  who  this  person  is  whose  card  I  have 
found  in  the  corner  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  best  coat 
pocket?"  "Indeed,  madam,"  replied  the  Yorkshire- 
man,"  Mr.  Jorrocks's  movements  of  yesterday  evening 
are  quite  a  secret  to  me.  It  is  the  night  that  he 
usually  spends  at  the  Magpie  and  Stump,  but  whether 
he  was  there  or  not  I  cannot  pretend  to  say,  not  being 
a  member  of  the  free  and  easy  club.  As  for  the  card, 
madam  — "  "There,  then,  take  it  and  read  it," 
interrupted  Mrs.  J. ;  and  he  took  the  card  accord- 
ingly— a  delicate  pale  pink,  with  blue  borders,  and  gilt 
edge — and  read — we  would  fain  put  it  all  in  dashes 
and  asterisks — "  Miss  Juliana  Granville,  John  Street, 
Waterloo  Road." 

This  digression  giving  Mr.  Jorrocks  a  moment  or 
two  to  recollect  himself,  he  pretended  to  get  into  a 
thundering  passion,  and,  seizing  the  card  out  of  the 
Yorkshireman's  hand,  he  thrust  it  into  the  fire, 
swearing  it  was  an  application  for  admission  into  the 
Deaf  and  Dumb  Institution,  where  he  wished  he  had 
Mrs.  J.  The  Yorkshireman,  seeing  the  probability  of 
a  breeze,  pretended  to  have  forgotten  something  at 
the  Piazza,  and  stole  away,  begging  Jorrocks  to  pick 
him  up  as  he  passed.  Peace  had  soon  been  restored  : 
for  the  Yorkshireman  had  not  taken  above  three  or 
four  turns  up  and  down  the  coffee-room,  ere  George 
the  waiter  came  to  say  that  a  gentleman  waited  out- 
side. Putting  on  his  hat  and  taking  a  coat  over  his 
arm,  he  turned  out ;  when  just  before  the  door  he  saw 
a  man  muffled  up  in  a  great  military  cloak,  and  a 
glazed  hat,  endeavouring  to  back  a  nondescript  double- 


68     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

bodied  carriage  (with  lofty  mail  box-seats  and  red 
wheels),  close  to  the  pavement.  "  JVho-ay,  who-ay" 
said  he,  "  who-ny,  ivho-ay,  horse  ! "  at  the  same  time 
jerking  at  his  mouth.  As  the  Yorkshireman  made 
his  exit,  a  pair  of  eyes  gleamed  through  the  small 
aperture  between  the  high  cloak  collar,  and  the  flipe 
of  the  glazed  hat,  which  he  instantly  recognized  to 
belong  to  Jorrocks.  "Why,  what  the  deuce  is  this 
you  are  in?"  said  he,  looking  at  the  vehicle.  "Jump 
up,"  said  Jorrocks,  "and  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it"; 
which  having  done,  and  the  machine  being  set  in 
motion,  he  proceeded  to  relate  the  manner  in  which 
he  had  exchanged  his  cruelty-van  for  it — by  the  way, 
as  arrant  a  bone-setter  as  ever  unfortunate  got  into, 
but  which  he,  with  the  predilection  all  men  have  for 
their  own,  pronounced  to  be  a  "  monstrous  fine 
carriage."  On  their  turning  off  the  rough  pavement 
on  to  the  quiet  smooth  macadamized  road  leading  to 
Waterloo  Bridge,  his  dissertation  was  interrupted  by 
a  loud  horse-laugh  raised  by  two  or  three  toll-takers 
and  boys  lounging  about  the  gate. 

"  I  say,  Tom,  twig  this  'ere  machine,"  said  one. 
"  Dash  my  buttons,  1  never  seed  such  a  thing  in  all 
my  life."  "  What's  to  pay,"  inquired  Jorrocks,  pulling 
up  with  great  dignity,  their  observations  not  having 
penetrated  the  cloak  collar  which  encircled  his  ears. 
"To  pay!"  said  the  toll-taker — "vy,  vot  do  ye  call 
your  consarn  ?  "  "  Why,  a  phaeton,"  said  Jorrocks. 
"  My  eyes  !  that's  a  good  un,"  said  another.  "  I  say, 
Jim, — he  calls  this  'ere  thing  a  phe-a-ton  !  "  "A 
phe-a-ton  ! — vy,  it's  more  like  a  fire-engine,"  said  Jim. 
"  Don't  be  impertinent,"  said  Jorrocks,  who  had  pulled 
down  his  collar  to  hear  what  he  had  to  pay — "  but 
tell  me  what's  to  pay  ?  "  "  Vy  it's  a  phe-a-ton  drawn 
by  von  or  more  'orses,"  said  the  toll-taker.  "  And 
containing  von  or  more  asses,"  said  Tom.  "  Sixpence- 
halfpenny,  sir."  "You  are  a  saucy  fellow,"  said 
Jorrocks.     "  Thank  ye,  master,  you're  another,"  said 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  69 

the  toll-keeper;  "and  now  that  you  have  had  your 
say,  vot  do  ye  ax  for  your  mouth?"  "  I  say,  sir,  do 
you  belong  to  the  Phcenix  ?  Vy  don't  you  show  your 
badge  ?  "  "I  say,  Tom,  that  'ere  fire-engine  has  been 
painted  by  some  house-painter,  it's  never  been  in  the 
hands  of  no  coach-maker.  Do  you  shave  by  that  'ere 
glazed  castor  of  yours?"  "  I'm  blowed  if  I  wouldn't 
get  you  a  shilling  a  week  to  shove  your  face  in  sand, 
to  make  moulds  for  brass  knockers."  "  Ay,  get  away  ! 
— make  haste,  or  the  fire  will  be  out,"  bawled  out 
another,  as  Jorrocks  whipped  on,  and  rattled  out  of 
hearing. 

"  Now,  you  see,"  said  he,  resuming  the  thread  of  his 
discourse,  as  if  nothing  had  happened,  "  this  back  seat 
turns  down  and  makes  a  box,  so  that  when  Mrs.  J. 
goes  to  her  mother's  at  Tooting,  she  can  take  all  her 
things  with  her,  instead  of  sending  half  of  them  by 
the  coach  as  she  used  to  do;  and  if  we  are  heavy, 
there  is  a  pole  belonging  to  it,  so  that  we  can  have 
two  horses  ;  and  then  there  is  a  seat  draws  out  here 
(pulling  a  stool  from  between  his  legs)  which  anybody 
can  sit  on."  "  Yes,  anybody  that  is  small  enough," 
said  the  Yorkshireman,  "  but  you  would  cut  a  queer 
figure  on  it,  I  reckon."  The  truth  was,  that  the 
"fire-engine"  was  one  of  those  useless  affairs  built  by 
some  fool  upon  a  plan  of  his  own,  with  the  idea  of 
combining  every  possible  comfort  and  advantage,  and 
in  reality  not  possessing  one.  Friend  Jorrocks  had 
seen  it  at  a  second-hand  shop  in  Fore  Street,  and 
became  the  happy  owner  of  it,  in  exchange  for  the 
cruelty-van  and  seventeen  pounds.  Their  appearance 
on  the  road  created  no  small  sensation,  and  many 
were  the  jokes  passed  upon  the  "  fire-engine."  One 
said  they  were  mountebanks ;  another  that  it  was  a 
horse-break  ;  a  third  asked  if  it  was  one  of  Gurney's 
steam  carriages ;  while  a  fourth  swore  it  was  a  new 
convict-cart  going  to  Brixton.  Jorrocks  either  did 
not   or   would    not   hear    their    remarks,    and    kept 


70     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

expatiating  upon  the  different  purposes  to  which  the 
machine  miglit  be  converted,  and  the  stoutness  of  the 
horse  that  was  drawing  it. 

As  they  approached  the  town  of  Croydon,  he 
turned  his  cloak  over  his  legs  in  a  very  workmanlike 
manner,  and  was  instantly  hailed  by  some  brother 
sportsmen  ; — one  complimented  him  on  his  looks, 
another  on  his  breeches,  a  third  praised  his  horse,  a 
fourth  abused  the  fire-engine,  and  a  fifth  inquired 
where  he  got  his  glazed  hat.  He  had  an  answer  for 
them  all,  and  a  nod  or  a  wink  for  every  pretty  maid 
that  showed  at  the  windows ;  for,  though  past  the 
grand  climacteric,  he  still  has  a  spice  of  the  devil  in 
him,  and,  as  he  says,  "  there  is  no  harm  in  looking." 
The  Red  Lion  at  Smitham  Bottom  was  the  rendezvous 
of  the  day.  It  is  a  small  inn  on  the  Brighton  road, 
some  three  or  four  miles  below  Croydon.  On  the 
left  of  the  road  stands  the  inn,  on  the  right  is  a  small 
training  ground,  and  the  country  about  is  open  common 
and  down.  There  was  an  immense  muster  about  the 
inn,  and  also  on  the  training  ground,  consisting  of 
horse-men,  gig-men,  postchaise-men,  foot  -  men  ; 
Jorrocks  and  the  Yorkshireman  made  the  fire-men. 

"Here's  old  Jorrocks,  I  do  declare!"  exclaimed 
one,  as  Jorrocks  drove  the  fire-engine  up  at  as  quick 
a  pace  as  his  horse  would  go.  "  Why,  what  a  concern 
he's  in,"  said  another,  "why,  the  old  man's  mad, 
surely."  "He's  good  for  a  subscription,"  added 
another,  addressing  him ;  "  I  say,  Jorrocks,  old  boy, 
you'll  give  us  ten  pounds  for  our  hounds,  won't  you  ? 
— that's  a  good  old  fellow."  "  Oh,  yes,  Jorrocks 
promised  us  a  subscription  last  year,"  observed 
another,  "and  he  is  a  man  of  his  word,  aren't  you, 
old  leather  -  breeches  ?"  "-No,  gentlemen,"  said 
Jorrocks,  standing  up  in  the  fire-engine,  and  sticking 
the  whip  into  its  nest,  "  I  really  cati  not — I  wish  I 
could,  but  I  really  can  not  afford  it.  Times  really  are 
so  bad,  and  I  have  my  oivn  pack  to  subscribe  to,  and 


o 
< 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  71 

I  must  be  '  just  before  I  am  generous.' "     "  Oh,  but 
ten  pounds  is  nothing  in  your  way,  you  know,  Jorrocks, 

— adulterate  a  chest  of  tea.     Old here  will  give 

you  all  the  leaves  off  his  ash-trees."  "No,"  said 
Jorrocks,  "  I  really  ra«  not — ten  pounds  /j-ten  pounds, 
and  I  must  cut  my  coat  according  to  my  cloth."  By 
Jove,  but  you  must  have  had  plenty  of  cloth  when 
you  cut  that  coat  you've  got  on,  old  boy.  Why,  there's 
as  much  cloth  in  the  laps  as  would  make  a  pair  of 
horse-sheets."  "  Never  mind,"  said  Jorrocks,  "  /  wear 
it,  and  not  you."  "  Now,"  said  Jorrocks  in  an  under- 
tone to  the  Yorkshireman,  "  you  see  what  an  uncon- 
scionable set  of  dogs  these  stag-'unters  are.  They're 
at  every  man  for  a  subscription,  and  talk  about  guineas 
as  if  they  grew  upon  gooseberry  bushes.  Besides,  they 
are  such  a  rubbishing  set — all  drafts  from  the  fox- 
'ounds.  Now  there's  a  chap  on  the  piebald  just  by 
the  trees, — he  goes  into  the  Gazette  reglarly  once  in 
three  years,  and  yet  to  see  him  out  you'd  fancy  all 
the  country  round  belonged  to  him.  And  there's  a 
buck  with  his  bearing  rein  so  tight  that  he  can  hardly 
move  his  neck,"  pointing  to  a  gentleman  in  scarlet, 
with  a  tremendous  stiff  blue  cravat, — "  he  lives  by 
keeping  a  madhouse,  and  being  a  werry  high,  con- 
sequential sort  of  a  cock,  they  calls  him  the  '  Lord 
High  Keeper  ! ' — I'll  tell  ye  a  joke  about  that  fellow," 
he  said,  pointing  to  a  man  alighting  from  a  red-wheeled 
buggy — "he's  a  werry  shabby  screw,  and  is  always 
trying  to  save  a  penny.  Well,  he  hires  a  young  half- 
witted hawbuck  for  a  servant,  who  didn't  clean  his 
boots  to  his  liking,  so  he  began  by  reading  the  Riot 
Act  one  day,  and  concluded  by  saying,  *  I'm  blowed  if 
I  couldn't  clean  them  better  myself  with  a  little  pump 
water.'  The  next  day  up  came  the  boots  duller  than 
ever.  '  Bless  my  soul,'  exclaimed  he,  '  why  they  are 
worse  than  before,  how's  this,  sir  ?  '  '  Please,  sir,  you 
said  you  could  clean  them  better  with  a  little  pump 
water,  so  I  tried  it,  and  I  do  think  they  are  worse  ! ' 


72     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Haw  !  haw  !  haw  ! — Yon  chap  in  the  black  plush 
breeches  and  Hessians,  standing  by  the  ginger-pop 
tray,  is  the  only  man  wot  ever  got  the  better  of  me  in 
the  'oss-dealing  line,  and  he  certain//^  did  bite  me 
uncommon  'andsomely.  I  gave  him  three-and-twenty 
pounds,  a  strong  violin  case  with  patent  hinges,  lined 
with  superfine  green  baize,  and  an  uncut  copy  of 
Middleton's  Cicero,  for  an  'oss  that  the  blacksmith 
really  declared  wasn't  worth  shoeing.  Howsomever, 
I  paid  him  off,  for  I  christened  the  'oss  Barabbas — who, 
you  knows,  was  a  robber — and  the  seller  has  gone  by 
the  name  of  Barabbas  ever  since." 

"  Well,  but  tell  me,  gentlemen,  where  do  we  dine?" 
inquired  Jorrocks,  turning  to  a  group  who  had  just 
approached  the  fire-engine.  "We  don't  know  yet," 
said  a  gentleman  in  scarlet,  "the  deer  has  not  come 
yet ;  but  yonder  he  is,"  pointing  up  the  road  to  a 
covered  cart,  "and  there  are  the  hounds  just  coming 
over  the  hill  at  the  back."  The  covered  cart  ap- 
proached, and  several  went  to  meet  it.  The  cry  of, 
"Oh,  it's  old  Tunbridge,"  was  soon  heard.  "Well, 
we  shall  have  a  good  dinner,"  said  Jorrocks,  "if  that 
is  the  case.  Is  it  Tunbridge  ?  "  inquired  he  eagerly  of 
one  of  the  party  who  returned  from  the  deer  cart. 
"Yes,  it's  old  Tunbridge,  and  Snooks  has  ordered 
dinner  at  the  Wells  for  sixteen  at  five  o'clock,  so  the 
first  sixteen  that  get  there  had  better  look  out." 
"  Here,  bouy,''  said  Jorrocks  in  an  undertone  to  his 
servant,  who  was  leading  his  screws  about  on  the 
green,  "  take  this  'oss  out  of  the  carriage,  and  give 
him  a  feed  of  corn,  and  then  go  on  to  Tunbridge 
Wells  and  tell  Mr.  Pegg,  at  the  Sussex  Arms,  that  I 
shall  be  there  with  a  friend  to  the  dinner,  and  bid 
him  write  '  Jorrocks '  upon  two  plates  and  place  them 
together.  Nothing  like  making  sure,"  said  he,  chuck- 
ling at  his  own  acuteness. 

"Now  to  'orse — to  'orse!"  exclaimed   he,  suiting 
the  action  to  the  word,  and  climbing  on  to  his  great 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  73 

chestnut,  leaving  the  Yorkshireman  to  mount  the 
rat-tail  brown.  "  Let's  have  a  look  at  the  'ounds," 
turning  his  horse  in  the  direction  in  which  they  were 
coming.  Jonathan  Griffin  ^  took  off  his  cap  to 
Jorrocks  as  he  approached,  who  waved  his  hand  in 
the  most  patronizing  manner  possible,  adding,  "  How 
are  you,  Jonathan  ? "  "  Pretty  well,  thank  you. 
Mister  Jorrocks,  hope  you're  the  same."  "  No,  not 
the  same,  for  I'm  iverry  well,  which  makes  all  the 
difference — haw  !  haw !  haw  !  You  seem  to  have  but 
a  shortish  pack,  I  think — ten,  twelve,  fourteen  couple 
— 'ow's  that?  We  always  take  nine-and-twenty  with 
the  Surrey."  "  Why,  you  see,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  stag- 
hunting  and  fox-hunting  are  very  different.  The 
scent  of  the  deer  is  very  ravishing,  and  then  we  have 
no  drawing  for  our  game.  Besides,  at  this  season, 
there  are  always  bitches  to  put  back, — but  we  have 
plenty  of  hounds  for  sport, — I  suppose  we  may  be 
after  turning  out,"  added  Jonathan,  looking  at  his 
watch — "  it's  past  eleven." 

On  hearing  this,  a  gentleman  off  with  his  glove  and 
began  collecting,  or  capping,  prior  to  turning  out — it 
being  the  rule  of  the  hunt  to  make  sure  of  the  money 
before  starting,  for  fear  of  accidents.  "  Half  a  crown, 
if  you  please,  sir."  "  Now  I'll  take  your  half  a  crown." 
"  Mr.  Jorrocks,  shall  I  trouble  you  for  half  a  crown  ?  " 
"  Oh  surely,"  said  Jorrocks,  pulling  out  a  handful  of 
great  five-shilling  pieces,  "here's  for  this  gentleman 
and  myself,"  handing  one  of  them  over,  "  and  I  shan't 
even  ask  you  for  discount  for  ready  money."  The 
capping  went  round,  and  a  goodly  sum  was  collected. 
Meanwhile  the  deer  cart  was  drawn  to  the  far  side  of 

^  Poor  Jonathan,  one  of  the  hardest  riders  and  drinkers  of  his 
day,  exists,  like  his  pack,  but  in  the  recollection  of  mankind. 
He  was  long  huntsman  to  the  late  Lord  Derby,  who,  when  he 
gave  up  his  stag-hounds,  made  Jonathan  a  present  of  them, 
and  for  two  or  three  seasons  he  scratched  on  in  an  indifferent 
sort  of  way,  until  the  hounds  were  sold  to  go  abroad — to 
Hungar)',  we  believe. 


74     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

a  thick  fence,  and  the  door  being  opened,  a  lubberly- 
looking  animal  as  big  as  a  donkey,  blobbed  out,  and 
began  feeding  very  composedly.     "That  won't  do," 
said  Jonathan  Grififin,  eyeing  him — "ride  on,  Tom, 
and  whip  him  away."     Off  went  the  whip,  followed  by 
a   score   of  sportsmen  whose   shouts,  aided   by  the 
cracking  of  their  whips,  would  have  frightened   the 
devil    himself;    and    these    worthies,    knowing    the 
hounds  would  catch  them  up  in  due  time,  resolved 
themselves  into  a  hunt  for  the  present,  and  pursued 
the  animal  themselves.     Ten  minutes  having  expired, 
and  the  hounds  seeming  likely  to  break  away,  Jonathan 
thought  it  advisable  to  let  them  have  their  wicked  will, 
and  accordingly  they  rushed  off  in  full  cry  to  the  spot 
where  the  deer  had  been  uncarted.     Of  course  there 
was  no  trouble  in  casting  for  the  scent,  indeed  they 
were  very  honest,  and  did  not  pretend  to  any  mystery  ; 
the  hounds  knew  within  an  inch  where  it  would  be, 
and  the  start  was  pretty  much  like  that  for  a  hunter's 
plate  in  four-mile  heats.     A  few  dashing  blades  rode 
before  the  hounds  at  starting,  but  otherwise  the  field 
was  tolerably  quiet,  and  was  considerably  diminished 
after  the  first  three  leaps.     The  scent  improved,  as 
did  the  pace,  and  presently  they  got  into  a  lane  along 
which  they  rattled  for  five  miles  as  hard  as  ever  they 
could  lay  legs  to  the  ground,  throwing  the  mud  into 
each  other's  faces,  until  each  man  looked  as  if  he  was 
rough-cast.     A  Kentish  waggon,  drawn  by  six  oxen, 
taking  up  the  whole  of  the  lane,  had  obliged  the  dear 
animal  to  take  to  the  fields  again,  where,  at  the  first 
fence,  most  of  our  high-mettled  racers  stood  still.     In 
truth,  it  was  rather  a  nasty  place,  a  yawning  ditch, 
with  a  mud  bank,  and  a  rotten  landing.     "  Now,  who's 
for   it  ?     Go  it,  Jorrocks,  you're  a  fox-hunter,"  ^  said 
one,  who,  erecting  himself  in  his  stirrups,  was  ogling 
the  opposite  side.     "  I  don't  like  it,"  said  Jorrocks,— 

1  Fox-hunters   always  have    the    privilege  of  breaking   their 
necks  first,  when  they'go  out  with  other  hounds. 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  75 

"is  never  a  gate  near?"  "Oh,  yes,  at  the  bottom  of 
the  field,"  and  away  they  all  tore  for  it.  The  hounds 
now  had  got  out  of  sight,  but  were  heard  running  in 
cover  at  the  bottom  of  the  turnip-field  into  which  they 
had  just  passed,  and  also  the  clattering  of  horses' 
hoofs  on  the  highway.  The  hounds  came  out  several 
times  on  to  the  road,  evidently  carrying  the  scent,  but 
as  often  threw  up  and  returned  into  the  cover.  The 
huntsman  was  puzzled  at  last ;  and  quite  convinced 
that  the  deer  was  not  in  the  wood,  he  called  them 
out,  and  proceeded  to  make  a  cast,  followed  by  the 
majority  of  the  field.  They  trotted  about  at  a  brisk 
pace,  first  to  the  right,  then  to  the  left,  afterwards  to 
the  north,  and  then  to  the  south,  over  grass,  fallow, 
turnips,  potatoes,  and  flints,  through  three  farmyards, 
round  two  horse-ponds,  and  at  the  back  of  a  small 
village  or  hamlet,  without  a  note,  save  those  of  a  few 
babblers.  Everyone  seemed  to  consider  it  a  desperate 
job.  They  were  all  puzzled ;  at  last  they  heard  a 
terrible  holloaing  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  to  the 
south,  and  immediately  after  was  espied  a  group  of 
horsemen,  galloping  along  the  road  at  full  speed,  in 
the  centre  of  which  was  Jorrocks  :  his  green  coat  wide 
open,  with  the  tails  flying  a  long  way  behind  that  of 
his  horse,  his  right  leg  was  thrust  out,  down  the  side 
of  which  he  kept  applying  his  ponderous  hunting  whip, 
making  a  most  terrible  clatter.  As  they  approached, 
he  singled  himself  out  from  the  group,  and  was  the 
first  to  reach  the  field.  He  immediately  burst  out 
into  one  of  his  usual  hunting  energetic  strains.  "  Oh, 
Jonathan  Grifiin  !  Jonathan  Gritifin  !  "  said  he,  "  here's 
a  lamentable  occurrence — a  terrible  disaster  !  Oh 
dear,  oh  dear — we  shall  never  get  to  Tunbridge — that 
unfortunate  deer  has  escaped  us,  and  we  shall  never 
see  nothing  more  of  him — rely  upon  it,  he's  killed 
before  this!"  "Why,  how's  that?"  inquired  Griffin, 
evidently  in  a  terrible  perturbation.  "Why,"  said 
Jorrocks,    slapping    the   whip    down   his    leg   again. 


76     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

"  there's  a  little  girl  tells  me,  that  as  she  was  getting 
water  at  the  well  just  at  the  end  of  the  wood,  where 
we  lost  him,  she  saw  what  she  took  to  be  a  donkey 
jump  into  a  return  post-chaise  from  the  Bell,  at  Seven 
Oaks,  that  was  passing  along  the  road  with  the  door 
swinging  wide  open  I  and  you  may  rely  upon  it,  it  was 
the  deer.  The  landlord  of  the  Bell  will  have  cut  his 
throat  before  this,  for,  you  know,  he  wowed  wengeance 
against  us  last  year,  because  his  wife's  pony-chaise 
was  upset,  and  he  swore  that  we  did  it."  "Oh,  but 
that's  a  bad  job,"  said  the  huntsman:  "what  shall 
we  do?"  "Here,  Tom,"  calling  to  the  whipper-in, 
"jump  on  to  the  Hastings  coach  (which  just  came 
up),  and  try  if  you  can't  overtake  him,  and  bring  him 
back,  chaise  and  all,  and  I'll  follow  slowly  with  the 
hounds."  Tom  was  soon  up,  the  coach  bowled  on, 
and  Jonathan  and  the  hounds  trotted  gently  forward 
till  they  came  to  a  public-house.  Here,  as  they 
stopped  lamenting  over  their  unhappy  fate,  and 
consoling  themselves  with  some  cold  sherry  negus, 
the  post-chaise  appeared  in  sight,  with  the  deer's 
head  sticking  out  of  the  side  window  with  all 
the  dignity  of  a  Lord  Mayor.  "  Huzza !  huzza ! 
huzza  !  "  exclaimed  Jorrocks,  taking  off  his  hat,  "here's 
old  Tunbridge  come  again,  huzza  !  huzza  ! "  "  But 
who's  to  pay  me  for  the  po-chay,"  said  the  driver, 
pulling  up ;  "I  must  be  paid  before  I  let  him  out." 
"How  much?"  says  Jonathan.  "Why,  eighteen- 
pence  a  mile,  to  be  sure,  and  threepence  a  mile  to 
the  driver!"  "No,"  says  Jorrocks,  "  that  won't  do, 
yours  is  a  return  chay :  however,  here's  five  shillings 
for  you,  and  now,  Jonathan,  turn  him  out  again — he's 
quite  fresh  after  his  ride — and  see  he's  got  some  straw 
in  the  bottom." 

Old  Tunbridge  was  again  turned  out,  with  his  head 
towards  the  town  from  whence  he  took  his  name, 
and  after  a  quarter  of  an  hour's  law,  the  pack  was 
again  laid  on.     He  was  not,  however,  in  very  good 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  77 

wind,  and  it  was  necessary  to  divide  the  second  chase 
into  two  heats,  for  which  purpose  the  hounds  were 
whipped  off  about  the  middle,  while  the  deer  took  a 
cold  bath,  after  which  he  was  again  set  a-going.  By 
half-past  three  they  had  accomplished  the  run ;  and 
Mr.  Pegg,  of  the  Sussex  Arms,  having  mounted  his 
Pegasus,  found  them  at  the  appointed  place  by  the 
Medway,  where  old  Tunbridge's  carriage  was  waiting, 
into  which  having  handed  him,  they  repaired  to  the 
inn,  and  at  five  o'clock  eighteen  of  them  sat  down  to 
a  dinner  consisting  "  of  every  delicacy  of  the  season  "  : 
the  Lord  High  Keeper  in  the  chair.  Being  all 
"  hungry  as  hunters,"  little  conversation  passed  until 
after  the  removal  of  the  cloth,  when,  after  the  King 
and  His  Majesty's  Ministers  had  been  drunk,  the 
President  gave  "The  noble,  manly  Sport  of  Stag- 
hunting,"'  which  he  eulogized  as  the  most  legitimate 
and  exhilarating  of  all  sports,  and  sketched  its  progress 
from  its  wild  state  of  infancy,  when  the  unhappy 
sportsman  had  to  range  the  fields  and  forests  for  their 
uncertain  game,  to  the  present  state  of  luxurious  ease 
and  elaborate  refinement,  when  they  not  only  brought 
their  deer  to  the  meet,  but,  by  selecting  the  proper 
animal,  could  insure  a  finish  at  a  place  they  most 
wished  to  dine  at, — all  of  which  was  most  enthusi- 
astically applauded ;  and  on  the  speakers  ending, 
"  Stag-hunting,''  and  the  "  Surrey  stag-hounds,"  and 
"  Long  life  to  all  stag  -  hunters,"  were  drunk  in 
brimming  and  over-flowing  bumpers.  Fox-hunting, 
hare-hunting,  rabbit-hunting,  cat-hunting,  rat-catching, 
badger-baiting, — all  wild,  seasonable,  and  legitimate 
sports  followed  ;  and  the  chairman  having  run  through 
his  list,  and  thinking  Jorrocks  was  getting  rather 
mellow,  resolved  to  try  the  soothing  system  on  him 
for  a  subscription,  the  badgering  of  the  morning  not 
having  answered.  Accordingly,  he  called  on  the 
company  to  charge  their  glasses,  as  he  would  give 
them  a  bumper  toast,  which  he  knew  they  would  have 


78     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

great  pleasure  in  drinking. — "  He  wished  to  propose 
the  health  of  his  excellent  friend  on  his  right — Mr. 
JoRROCKS  (apj)lause),  a  gentleman  whose  name  only 
required  mentioning  in  any  society  of  hunters  to 
insure  it  a  hearty  and  enthusiastic  reception.  He  did 
not  flatter  his  excellent  friend  when  he  said  he  was  a 
man  for  the  imitation  of  all,  and  he  was  sure  that 
when  the  present  company  recollected  the  liberal 
support  he  gave  to  the  Surrey  fox-hounds,  together 
with  the  keenness  with  which  he  followed  that  branch 
of  amusement,  they  would  duly  appreciate,  not  only 
the  honour  he  had  conferred  upon  them  by  his 
presence  in  the  field  that  morning,  and  at  the  table 
that  day,  but  the  disinterested  generosity  which  had 
prompted  him  voluntarily  to  declare  his  intention  of 
contributing  to  the  future  support  of  the  Surrey  stag- 
hounds  (immense  cheers) ; — he  therefore  thought  the 
least  they  could  do,  was  to  drink  the  health  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  and  success  to  the  Surrey  fox-hounds,  with 
three  times  three"  ;  which  was  immediately  responded 
to  with  deafening  cheers. 

Old  Jorrocks,  after  the  noise  had  subsided,  got  on 
his  legs,  and  with  one  hand  rattling  the  five-shilling 
pieces  in  his  breeches-pocket,  and  the  thumb  of  the 
other  thrust  into  the  arm-hole  of  his  waistcoat,  thus 
began  to  address  them — "  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  I'm 
no  orator,  but  I'm  an  honest  man — (hiccup) — I  feels 
werry  (hiccup)  much  obliged  to  my  excellent  friend 
the  Lord  High  Keeper  (shouts  of  laughter),  I  begs 
his  pardon — my  friend  Mr.  Juggins — for  the  werry 
flat/^«ing  compliment  he  has  paid  me  in  coupling  my 
name  (hiccup)  with  the  Surrey  fox-'ounds — a  pack,  I 
may  say,  without  wanity  (hiccup),  second  to  none. 
I'm  a  werry  old  member  of  the  'unt,  and  when  I  was 
a  werry  poor  man  (hiccup)  I  always  did  my  best  to 
support  them  (hiccup),  and  now  that  I'm  a  werry  rich 
man  (cheers)  I  shan't  do  no  otherwise.  About  sub- 
scribing  to    the  staggers,   I  doesn't   recollect    saying 


THE  SURREY  STAG-HOUNDS  79 

nothing  whatsomever  about  it  (hiccup),  but  as  I'm  werry 
friendly  to  sporting  in  all  its  ramifications  (hiccup),  I'll 
be  werry  happy  to  give  ten  pounds  to  your  'ounds," — 
immense  cheers  followed  this  declaration,  which  lasted 
for  some  seconds — when  they  had  subsided,  Jorrocks 
put  his  finger  on  his  nose,  and  with  a  knowing  wank 
of  his  eye,  added — "prowided  my  friend  the  Lord 
High  Keep — I  begs  his  pardon — Juggins — will  give 
ten  pounds  to  ours  ! " 


THE  TURF:  MR.  JORROCKS  AT 
NEWMARKET 

A  MUFFIN— and  the  Post,  sir,"  said  George 
to  the  Yorkshireman,  on  one  of  the  fine  fresh 
mornings  that  gently  usher  in  the  returning  spring, 
and  draw  from  the  town-pent  Cits  sighs  for  the  verdure 
of  the  fields,  —  as  he  placed  the  above-mentioned 
articles  on  his  usual  breakfast-table  in  the  coffee-room 
of  the  Piazza. 

With  the  calm  deliberation  of  a  man  whose  whole 
day  is  unoccupied,  the  Yorkshireman  sweetened  his 
tea,  drew  the  muffins  and  a  select  dish  of  prawns  to 
his  elbow,  and,  turning  sideways  to  the  table,  crossed 
his  legs  and  prepared  to  con  the  contents  of  the 
paper.  The  first  page  as  usual  was  full  of  advertise- 
ments.— Sales  by  Auction— Favour  of  your  vote  and 
interest — If  the  next  of  Kin— Reform  your  tailor's 
bills — Law — Articled  Clerk — An  absolute  reversion — 
Pony  phaeton— Artificial  teeth — Messrs.  Tattersall — 
Brace  of  pointers — Dog  lost — Boy  found — Great  sacri- 
fice— No  advance  in  coffee — Matrimony — A  single 
gentleman — Board  and  lodging  in  an  airy  situation — 
— To  Omnibus  Proprietors — Steam  to  Leith  and 
Hull — Stationery — Desirable  investment  for  a  small 
capital — The  fire  reviver  or  lighter. 

Then  turning  it  over,  his  eye  ranged  over  a  whole 
meadow  of  type,  consisting  of  the  previous  night's 
debate,  followed  on  by  City  News,  Police  Reports, 
Fashionable  arrivals  and  departures.  Dinners  given, 
Si)orting  Intelligence,  Newmarket  Craven  meeting. 
"  That's  more  in  my  way,"  said  the  Yorkshireman  to 

80 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET         8i 

himself  as  he  laid  down  the  paper  and  took  a  sip  of 
his  tea.  "  I've  a  great  mind  to  go,  for  I  may  just  as 
well  be  at  Newmarket  as  here,  having  nothing  par- 
ticular to  do  in  either  place.  I  came  to  stay  a  hundred 
pounds  in  London,  it's  true,  but  if  I  stay  ten  of  it  at 
Newmarket,  it'll  be  all  the  same,  and  I  can  go  home 
from  there  just  as  well  as  from  here "  :  so  saying,  he 
took  another  turn  at  the  tea.  The  race  list  was  a 
tempting  one,  Riddlesworth,  Craven  stakes.  Column 
stakes,  Oatlands,  Port,  Claret,  Sherry,  Madeira,  and 
all  other  sorts.  A  good  week's  racing,  in  fact ;  for  the 
saintly  sinners  who  frequent  the  Heath  had  not  then 
discovered  any  greater  impropriety  in  travelling  on  a 
Sunday,  than  in  cheating  each  other  on  the  Monday. 
The  tea  was  good,  as  were  the  prawns  and  eggs,  and 
George  brought  a  second  muffin,  at  the  very  moment 
that  the  Yorkshireman  had  finished  the  last  piece  of 
the  first,  so  that  by  the  time  he  had  done  his  breakfast 
and  drawn  on  his  boots,  which  were  drier  and 
pleasanter  than  the  recent  damp  weather  had  allowed 
of  their  being,  he  felt  completely  at  peace  with  himself 
and  all  the  world,  and  putting  on  his  hat,  sallied  forth 
with  the  self-satisfied  air  of  a  man  who  had  eaten  a 
good  breakfast,  and  yet  not  too  much. 

.  Newmarket  was  still  uppermost  in  his  mind ;  and 
as  he  sauntered  along  in  the  direction  of  the  Strand, 
it  occurred  to  him  that  perhaps  Mr.  Jorrocks  might 
have  no  objection  to  accompany  him.  On  entering 
that  great  thoroughfare  of  humanity,  he  turned  to 
the  East,  and  having  examined  the  contents  of  all 
the  caricature  shops  in  the  line,  and  paid  threepence 
for  a  look  at  the  York  Herald,  in  the  Chapter  Coffee- 
house, St.  Paul's  Churchyard,  about  noon  he  reached 
the  corner  of  St.  Botolph  Lane.  Before  Jorrocks  & 
Co.'s  warehouse,  great  bustle  and  symptoms  of  brisk 
trade  were  visible.  With  true  city  pride,  the  name  on 
the  door-post  was  in  small  dirty-white  letters,  suffici- 
ently obscure  to  render  it  apparent  that  Mr.  Jorrocks 
6 


82     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

considered  his  house  required  no  sign ;  while,  as  a 
sort  of  contradiction,  the  covered  errand-cart  before 
it,  bore  "Jorrocks  &  Co.'s  wholesale  tea  ware- 
house," in  great  gilt  letters  on  each  side  of  the  cover, 
so  large  that  "  he  who  runs  might  read,"  even  though 
the  errand-cart  were  running  too.  Into  this  cart, 
which  was  drawn  by  the  celebrated  rat-tail  hunter, 
they  were  pitching  divers  packages  for  town  delivery, 
and  a  couple  of  light  porters  nearly  upset  the  York- 
shireman,  as  they  bustled  out  with  their  loads.  The 
warehouse  itself  gave  evident  proof  of  great  antiquity. 
It  was  not  one  of  your  fine,  light,  lofty,  mahogany- 
countered,  banker-like  establishments  of  modern 
times,  where  the  stock  in  trade  often  consists  of  books 
and  empty  canisters,  but  a  large,  roomy,  gloomy,  dirty, 
dingy  sort  of  cellar  above-ground,  full  of  hogsheads, 
casks,  flasks,  sugar-loaves,  jars,  bags,  bottles,  and  boxes. 
The  floor  was  half  an  inch  thick,  at  least,  with  dirt, 
and  was  sprinkled  with  rice,  currants,  raisins,  etc.,  as 
though  they  had  been  scattered  for  the  purpose  of 
growing.  A  small  corner  seemed  to  have  been  cut 
off,  like  the  fold  of  a  Leicestershire  grazing  ground, 
and  made  into  an  office,  in  the  centre  of  which  was 
a  square  or  two  of  glass  that  commanded  a  view 
of  the  whole  warehouse.  "  Is  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  ?  " 
inquired  the  Yorkshireman  of  a  porter,  who  was  busy 
digging  currants  with  a  wooden  spade.  "Yes,  sir, 
you'll  find  him  in  the  counting-house,"  was  the 
answer ;  but  on  looking  in,  though  his  hat  and  gloves 
were  there,  no  Jorrocks  was  visible.  At  the  further 
end  of  the  warehouse  a  man  in  his  shirt  sleeves,  with 
a  white  apron  round  his  waist  and  a  brown  paper  cap 
on  his  head,  was  seen  under  a  very  melancholy-look- 
ing skylight,  holding  his  head  over  something,  as  if 
his  nose  were  bleeding.  The  Yorkshireman  groped 
his  way  up  to  him,  and  asking  if  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  in, 
found  he  was  addressing  the  grocer  himself.  He  had 
been  leaning  over  a  large  tray-full  of  little  white  cups — 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET        83 

with  teapots  to  match — trying  the  strength,  flavour, 
and  virtue  of  a  large  purchase  of  tea,  and  the  beverage 
was  all  smoking  before  him.  "My  vig,"  exclaimed 
he,  holding  out  his  hand,  "who'd  have  thought  of 
seeing  you  in  the  city,  this  is  something  unkimmon  ! 
However  you're  werry  welcome  in  St.  Botolph  Lane, 
and  as  this  is  your  first  wisit,  why,  I'll  make  you  a 
present  of  some  tea — wot  do  you  drink? — black  or 
green,  or  perhaps  both — four  pounds  of  one  and  two 
of  t'other. — Here,  Joe  !  "  summoning  his  foreman, 
"put  up  four  pounds  of  that  last  lot  of  black  that 
came  in,  and  two  pounds  of  superior  green,  and  this 
gentleman  will  tell  you  where  to  leave  it — And  when 
do  you  think  of  starting?"  again  addressing  the 
Yorkshireman — "egad,  this  is  fine  weather  for  the 
country — have  half  a  mind  to  have  a  jaunt  myself — 
makes  one  quite  young— feel  as  if  I'd  laid  full  fifty 
years  aside,  and  were  again  a  boy — when  did  you  say 
you  start?"  "Why,  I  don't  know  exactly,"  replied 
the  Yorkshireman,  "the  weather's  so  fine  that  I'm 
half  tempted  to  go  round  by  Newmarket.  ''New- 
market/" exclaimed  Jorrocks,  throwing  his  arms  in 
the  air,  while  his  paper  cap  fell  from  his  head  with 
the  jerk — '' l?y  Newmarket/  why,  what  in  the  name  of 
all  that's  impure,  have  you  to  do  at  Newmarket  ?  " 

"Why,  nothing  in  particular;  only,  when  there's 
neither  hunting  nor  shooting  going  on,  what  is  a  man 
to  do  with  himself? — I'm  sure  you'd  despise  me  if  I 
were  to  go  fishing."  "  True,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks 
somewhat  subdued,  and  jingling  the  silver  in  his 
breeches  pocket.  "Fox-'unting  is  indeed  the  prince 
of  sports.  The  image  of  war  without  its  guilt,  and 
only  half  its  danger.  I  confess  that  I'm  a  martyr  to 
it — a  perfect  wictim — no  one  knows  wot  I  suffer  from 
my  ardour.  If  ever  I'm  wisited  with  the  last  infirmity 
of  noble  minds,  it  will  be  caused  by  my  ungovernable 
passion  for  the  chase.  The  sig/it  of  a  saddle  makes 
me  sweat.     An   'ound  makes  me  perfectly  wild.     A 


84     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

red  coat  throws  me  into  a  scarlet  fever.  Never 
throughout  Hfe  have  I  had  a  good  night's  rest  before 
an  'unting  morning.  But  iverry  little  racing  does  for 
me ;  Sadler's  Wells  is  well  enough  of  a  fine  summer 
evening — especially  when  they  plump  the  clown  over 
head  in  the  New  River  cut,  and  the  ponies  don't 
misbehave  in  the  Circus, — but  oh  !  Netvmarkefs  a 
dreadful  place,  the  werry  name's  a  sickener.  I  used 
to  hear  a  vast  about  it  from  poor  Will  Softly  of  Friday 
Street.  It  was  the  ruin  of  him — and  wot  a  fine 
business  his  father  left  him,  both  wholesale  and 
retail,  in  the  tripe  and  cow-heel  line — all  went  in  two 
years,  and  he  had  nothing  to  show  at  the  end  of 
that  time  for  upwards  of  twenty  thousand  golden 
sovereigns,  but  a  hundredweight  of  children's  lamb's- 
wool  socks,  and  warrants  for  thirteen  hogsheads  of 
damaged  sherry  in  the  Docks.  No,  take  my  adwice 
and  have  nothing  to  say  to  them — stay  where  you 
are,  or,  if  you're  short  of  swag,  come  to  Great  Coram 
Street,  where  you  shall  have  a  bed,  wear-and-tear  for 
your  teeth,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing  found  you,  and, 
if  Saturday's  a  fine  day,  I'll  treat  you  with  a  jaunt  to 
Margate." 

"  You  are  a  regular  old  trump,"  said  the  Yorkshire- 
man,  after  listening  attentively  until  Mr.  Jorrocks  had 
exhausted  himself,  "  but,  you  see,  you've  never  been 
at  Newmarket,  and  the  people  have  been  hoaxing 
you  about  it.  I  can  assure  you  from  personal  experi- 
ence that  the  people  there  are  quite  as  honest  as 
those  you  meet  every  day  on  'Change  ;  besides  which, 
there  is  nothing  more  invigorating  to  the  human 
frame — nothing  more  cheering  to  the  spirits  than  the 
sight  and  air  of  Newmarket  Heath  on  a  fine  fresh 
spring  morning  like  the  present.  The  wind  seems  to 
go  by  you  at  a  racing  pace,  and  the  blood  canters  up 
and  down  the  veins  with  the  finest  and  freest  action 
imaginable.  A  stranger  to  the  racecourse  would  feel, 
and   almost   instinctively   know,    what   turf    he   was 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET         85 

treading,   and   the  purpose  for  which   that  turf  was 
intended. 

"  'There's  a  magic  in  the  web  of  it.'" 

"  Oh,  I  knows  you  are  a  most  persuasive  cock," 
observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  interrupting  the  Yorkshirenian, 
"and  would  conwince  the  devil  himself  that  black  is 
white,  but  you'll   never  make  me   believe  the   New- 
market folks  are  honest,  and  as  to  the  fine  hair  (air) 
you  talk  of,  there's  quite  as  good  to  get  on  Hampstead 
Heath,  and  if  it  doesn't  make  the  blood  canter  up  and 
down  your  weins,  you  can  always  amuse  yourself  by 
watching  the  donkeys  cantering  up  and  down  with  the 
sweet  little  children — haw,  haw,  haw  ! — But  tell  me 
what  is  there  at  Newmarket  that  should  take  a  man 
there  ?  "     "  What  is  there  1 "  rejoined  the  Yorkshire- 
man,  "  why,  there's  everything  that  makes  life  desirable 
and  constitutes  happiness,  in  this  world,  except  hunt- 
ing.    First  there  is   the   beautiful,  neat,  clean  town, 
with    groups    of    booted   professors,    ready    for   the 
rapidest  march  of  intellect ;  then  there  are  the  strings 
of  clothed  horses — the  finest  in  the  world — passing 
indolently  at  intervals  to  their  exercise, — the  flower 
of  the  English  aristocracy  residing  in  the  place.     You 
leave  the  town   and  stroll   to  the  wide  open  heath, 
where  all  is  brightness  and   space ;   the  white  rails 
stand  forth  against  the  clear  blue  sky — the  brushing 
gallop  ever  and  anon  startles  the  ear  and  eye ;  crowds 
of  stable  urchins,  full  of  silent  importance,  stud  the 
heath ;  you  feel  elated,  and  long  to  bound  over  the 
well  groomed  turf,  and  to  try  the  speed  of  the  careering 
wind.     All  things  at  Newmarket  train  the  mind  to 
racing.     Life   seems  on  the  start,   and   dull  indeed 
were  he  who  could  rein  in  his  feelings  when  such 
inspiriting  objects  meet  together  to  madden  them  ! " 

"  Bravo  ! "  exclaimed  Jorrocks,  throwing  his  paper 
cap  in  the  air  as  the  Yorkshireman  concluded ; 
"  Bravo  ! — werry  good  indeed  !     You  speak  like  ten 


86     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Lord  Mayors — never  heard  nothing  better.  Dash 
my  vig,  if  I  won't  go.  By  Jove,  you've  done  it.  Tell 
me  one  thing — is  there  a  good  place  to  feed  at  ?  " 

"Capital!"  replied  the  Yorkshireman ;  "beef, 
mutton,  cheese,  ham,  all  the  delicacies  of  the  season, 
as  the  sailor  said  "  ;  and  thereupon  the  Yorkshireman 
and  Jorrocks  shook  hands  upon  the  bargain. 

Sunday  night  arrived,  and  with  it  arrived,  at  the 
Belle  Sauvage,  in  Ludgate  Hill,  Mr.  Jorrocks's  boy 
"  Binjimin,"  with  Mr.  Jorrocks's  carpet  bag ;  and 
shortly  after,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  on  his  chestnut  hunter, 
and  the  Yorkshireman,  in  a  hack  cab,  entered  the 
yard.  Having  consigned  his  horse  to  Binjimin,  after 
giving  him  a  very  instructive  lesson  relative  to  the 
manner  in  which  he  would  chastise  him  if  he  heard 
of  his  trotting  or  playing  any  tricks  with  the  horse  on 
his  way  home,  Mr.  Jorrocks  proceeded  to  pay  the 
remainder  of  his  fare  in  the  coach-office.  The  mail 
was  full  inside  and  out;  indeed  the  bookkeeper 
assured  him  he  could  have  filled  a  dozen  more,  so 
anxious  were  all  London  to  see  the  Riddlesworth  run. 
"  Inside,"  said  he,  "are  you  and  your  friend,  and  if  it 
weren't  that  the  night  air  might  give  you  cold,  Mr. 
Jorrocks  "  (for  all  the  bookkeepers  in  London  know 
him),  "  I  should  have  liked  to  have  got  you  outsides, 
and  I  tried  to  make  an  exchange  with  two  blacklegs, 
but  they  would  hear  of  nothing  less  than  two  guineas 
a  head,  which  wouldn't  do,  you  know.  Here  comes 
another  of  your  passengers — a  great  foreign  nobleman, 
they  say — Baron  something — though  he  looks  as 
much  like  a  foreign  pickpocket  as  anything  else." 

"  Vich  be  de  voiture?"  inquired  a  tall,  gaunt- 
looking  foreigner,  with  immense  moustache,  a  high 
conical  hat  with  a  bright  buckle,  long  loose  blueish- 
blackish  frock  coat,  very  short  white  waistcoat,  baggy 
brownish  striped  trousers,  and  long-footed  Wellington 
boots,  with  a  sort  of  Chinese  turn-up  at  the  toe. 
"  Vich  be  de  Newmarket  voiture  ?  "  said  he,  repeating 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET         87 

the  query,  as  he  entered  the  office  and  deposited  a 
silk  umbrella,  a  camlet  cloak,  and  a  Swiss  knapsack 
on  the  counter.  The  porter,  without  any  attempt  at 
an  answer,  took  his  goods  and  walked  off  to  the  mail, 
followed  closely  by  the  Baron,  and  after  depositing 
the  cloak  inside,  so  that  the  Baron  might  ride  "  with 
his  face  to  the  horses,"  as  the  saying  is,  he  turned  the 
knapsack  into  the  hind  boot,  and  swung  himself  into 
the  office  till  it  was  time  to  ask  for  something  for  his 
exertions.  Meanwhile  the  Baron  made  a  tour  of  the 
yard,  taking  a  lesson  in  English  from  the  lettering  on 
the  various  coaches,  when  on  the  hind  boot  of  one, 
he  deciphered  the  word  Cheapside. — "Ah,  Cheap- 
side  ! "  said  he,  pulling  out  his  dictionary,  and  turning 
to  the  letter  C,  "Chaste,  chat,  chaw, — cheap,  dat  be 
it.  Cheap, — to  be  had  at  a  low  price — small  value. 
Ah  !  I  hev  (have)  it,"  said  he,  stamping  and  knitting 
his  brows,  '■'■  Sacr-r-r-r-e  tiom  de  Dieu,'"  ^nd  the  first 
word  being  drawn  out  to  its  usual  longitude,  three 
strides  brought  him  and  the  conclusion  of  the  oath 
into  the  office  together.  He  then  opened  out  upon 
the  bookkeeper  in  a  tremendous  volley  of  French, 
English,  and  Hanoverian  oaths,  for  he  was  a  cross 
between  the  first  and  last  named  countries,  the 
purport  of  which  was  "  dat  he  had  paid  de  best  price, 
and  he  be  dem  if  he  vod  ride  on  de  Cheapside  of  de 
coach."  In  vain  the  clerks  and  bookkeepers  tried  to 
convince  him  he  was  wrong  in  his  interpretation. 
With  the  full  conviction  of  a  foreigner  that  he  was 
about  to  be  cheated,  he  had  his  cloak  shifted  to  the 
opposite  side  of  the  coach,  and  the  knapsack  placed 
on  the  roof.  The  fourth  inside  having  cast  up,  the 
outside  passengers  mounted,  the  insides  took  their 
places,  threepences  and  sixpences  were  pulled  out  for 
the  porters,  the  guard  twanged  his  horn,  the  coach- 
man turned  out  his  elbow,  flourished  his  whip,  caught 
the  point,  cried  "  All  right  !  Sit  tight !  "  and  trotted 
out  of  the  yard. 


88    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Jorrocks  and  the  Yorkshireman  sat  opposite  each 
other,  the  Baron  and  old  Sam  Spring,  the  betting- 
man,  did  likewise.  Who  doesn't  know  old  Sam,  with 
his  curious  tortoiseshell-rimmed  spectacles,  his  old 
drab  hat  turned  up  with  green,  careless  neckcloth, 
flowing  robe,  and  comical  cut  ?  He  knew  Jorrocks, 
though — tell  it  not  in  Coram  Street — he  didn't  know 
his  name ;  but  concluding  from  the  disparity  of  age 
between  him  and  his  companion,  that  Jorrocks  was 
either  a  shark  or  a  shark's  jackal,  and  the  Yorkshire- 
man  a  victim,  with  due  professional  delicacy,  he 
contented  himself  with  scrutinising  the  latter  through 
his  specs.  The  Baron's  choler  having  subsided,  he 
was  the  first  to  break  the  ice  of  silence.  "  Foine 
noight,"  was  the  observation,  which  was  thrown  out 
promiscuously  to  see  who  would  take  it  up.  Now, 
Sam  Spring,  though  he  came  late,  had  learned  from 
the  porter  that  there  was  a  Baron  in  the  coach,  and 
being  a  great  admirer  of  the  nobility,  for  whose  use 
he  has  a  code  of  signals  of  his  own,  consisting  of  one 
finger  to  his  hat  for  a  Baron-Lord,  as  he  calls  them, 
two  for  a  Viscount,  three  for  an  Earl,  four  for  a 
Marquiss,  and  the  whole  hand  for  a  Duke,  he 
immediately  responded  with  "Yes,  my  Lord,"  with  a 
forefinger  to  his  hat.  There  is  something  sweet  in 
the  word  "  Lord "  which  finds  its  way  home  to  the 
heart  of  an  Englishman.  No  sooner  did  Sam 
pronounce  it,  than  the  Baron  became  transformed  in 
Jorrocks's  eyes  into  a  very  superior  sort  of  person, 
and  forthwith  he  commenced  ingratiating  himself  by 
offering  him  a  share  of  a  large  paper  of  sandwiches, 
which  the  Baron  accepted  with  the  greatest  con- 
descension, eating  what  he  could  and  stuffing  the 
remainder  into  his  hat.  His  lordship  was  a  better 
hand  at  eating  than  speaking,  and  the  united  efforts 
of  the  party  could  not  extract  from  him  the  precise 
purport  of  his  journey.  Sam  threw  out  two  or  three 
feasible  offers  in  the  way  of  bets,  but  they  fell  still- 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET        89 

born  to  the  bottom  of  the  coach,  and  Jorrocks  talked 
to  him  about  hunting,  and  had  the  conversation  all 
to  himself,  the  Baron  merely  replying  with  a  bow  and 
a  stare,  sometimes  diversified  with,  or  "  I  tank  you — 
vare  good."  The  conversation  by  degrees  resolved 
itself  into  a  snore,  in  which  they  were  all  indulging, 
when  the  raw  morning  air  rushed  in  among  them,  as 
a  porter  with  a  lantern  opened  the  door  and 
announced  their  arrival  at  Newmarket.  Forthwith 
they  turned  into  the  street,  and  the  outside  passengers 
having  descended,  they  all  commenced  straddling, 
yawning,  and  stretching  their  limbs,  while  the  guards 
and  porters  sorted  their  luggage.  The  Yorkshireman, 
having  an  eye  to  a  bed,  speedily  had  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
luggage  and  his  own  on  the  back  of  a  porter  on  its 
way  to  the  Rutland  Arms,  while  that  worthy  citizen 
followed  in  a  sort  of  sleepy  astonishment  at  the 
smallness  of  the  place,  inquiring  if  they  were  sure 
they  had  not  stopped  at  some  village  by  mistake. 
Two  beds  had  been  ordered  for  two  gentlemen  who 
could  not  get  two  seats  by  the  mail,  which  fell  to  the 
lot  of  those  who  did,  and  into  these  our  heroes 
trundled,  having  arranged  to  be  called  by  the  early 
exercising  hour. 

Whether  it  was  from  want  of  his  usual  night-cap 
of  brandy  and  water,  or  the  fatigues  of  travelling,  or 
what  else,  remains  unknown,  but  no  sooner  was  Mr. 
Jorrocks  left  alone  with  his  candle,  than  all  at  once  he 
was  seized  with  a  sudden  fit  of  trepidation,  on  think- 
ing that  he  should  have  been  inveigled  to  such  a  place 
as  Newmarket,  and  the  tremor  increasing  as  he  pulled 
four  five-pound  bank  notes  out  of  his  watch-pocket, 
besides  a  vast  of  silver,  and  his  great  gold  watch, 
he  was  resolved,  should  an  attempt  be  made  upon  his 
property,  to  defend  it  with  his  life,  and  having  squeezed 
the  notes  into  the  toe  of  his  boots,  and  hid  the  silver 
in  the  wash-hand  stand,  he  very  deliberately  put  his 
watch  and  the  poker  under  the  pillow,  and  set  the 


90    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

heavy  chest  of  drawers  with  two  stout  chairs  and  a 
table  against  the  door,  after  all  which  exertions  he  got 
into  bed  and  very  soon  fell  sound  asleep. 

Most  of  the  inmates  of  the  house  were  up  with  the 
lark  to  the  early  exercise,  and  the  Yorkshireman  was 
as  early  as  any  of  them.  Having  found  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
door,  he  commenced  a  loud  battery  against  it  without 
awakening  the  grocer ;  he  then  tried  to  open  it,  but 
only  succeeded  in  getting  it  an  inch  or  two  from  the 
post,  and  after  several  holloas  of  "  Jorrocks,  my  man  1 
Mr.  Jorrocks  !  Jorrocks,  old  boy  !  holloa,  Jorrocks  ! " 
he  succeeded  in  extracting  the  word  "IVof?"  from 
the  worthy  gentleman  as  he  rolled  over  in  his  bed. 
"Jorrocks!"  repeated  the  Yorkshireman,  "it's  time 
to  be  up."  "  Wot ?"  again  was  the  answer.  "Time 
to  get  up.  The  morning's  breaking."  '' Let  it  break,'' 
replied  he,  adding  in  a  mutter,  as  he  turned  over 
again,  "  it  owes  me  nothing^ 

Entreaties  being  useless,  and  a  large  party  being 
on  the  point  of  setting  off,  the  Yorkshireman  joined 
them,  and  spent  a  couple  of  hours  on  the  dew- 
bespangled  heath,  during  which  time  they  not  only 
criticized  the  figure  and  action  of  every  horse  that 
was  out,  but  got  up  tremendous  appetites  for  break- 
fast. In  the  meantime  Mr.  Jorrocks  had  risen,  and 
having  attired  himself  with  his  usual  care,  in  a  smart 
blue  coat  with  metal  buttons,  buff  waistcoat,  blue 
stocking-netted  tights,  and  Hessian  boots,  he  turned 
into  the  main  street  of  Newmarket,  when  he  was  lost 
in  astonishment  at  the  insignifiancc  of  the  place. 
But  wiser  men  than  Mr.  Jorrocks  have  been  similarly 
disappointed,  for  it  enters  into  the  philosophy  of  few 
to  conceive  the  fame  and  grandeur  of  Newmarket 
compressed  into  the  limits  of  the  petty,  outlandish, 
Icelandish  place  that  bears  the  name.  "Dash  my 
vig,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  he  brought  himself  to  bear 
upon  Rogers's  shop-window,  "  this  is  the  werry  meanest 
town  I  ever  did  see.     Pray,  sir,"  addressing  himself 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET        91 

to  a  groomish-looking  man  in  a  brown  cut-away  coat, 
drab  shorts  and  continuations,  who  had  just  emerged 
from  the  shop  with  a  race  Hst  in  his  hand,  "  Pray, 
sir,  be  this  your  principal  street?"  The  man  eyed 
him  with  a  mixed  look  of  incredulity  and  contempt. 
At  length,  putting  his  thumbs  into  the  arm-holes  of 
his  waistcoat,  he  replied,  "  I  bet  a  crown  you  know 
as  well  as  I  do."  "  Done,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
holding  out  his  hand.  "  No — I  w^on't  do  that,"  re- 
plied the  man,  "but  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do  with 
you, — I'll  lay  you  two  to  one  in  fives  or  fifties  if 
you  like,  that  you  knew  before  you  axed,  and  that 
Thunderbolt  don't  win  the  Riddlesworth."  "  Really," 
said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  I'm  not  a  betting  man."  "  Then, 
what  the  'ell  (hell)  business  have  you  at  Newmarket  ?  " 
was  all  the  answer  he  got.  Disgusted  with  such  in- 
hospitable impertinence,  Mr.  Jorrocks  turned  on  his 
heel  and  walked  away.  Before  the  White  Hart  Inn 
was  a  smartish  pony  phaeton,  in  charge  of  a  stunted 
stable  lad.  "  I  say,  young  chap,"  inquired  Jorrocks, 
"whose  is  that?"  "How  did  you  know  that  I  was 
a  young  chap  ?  "  inquired  the  abortion,  turning  round. 
"  Guessed  it,"  replied  Jorrocks,  chuckling  at  his  own 
wit.     "Then  guess  whose  it  is." 

"Pray,  are  your  clocks  here  by  London  time?"  he 
asked  of  a  respectable  elderly-looking  man  whom  he 
saw  turn  out  of  the  entry  leading  to  the  Kingston 
rooms,  and  take  the  usual  survey  first  up  the  town  and 
then  down  it,  and  afterwards  compose  his  hands  in  his 
breeches-pockets,  there  to  stand  to  see  the  "  world."  ^ 
"  Come  now,  o/d  ?///— none  o'  your  tricks  here — you've 
got  a  match  on  against  time,  I  suppose,"  was  all  the 
answer  he  could  get  after  the  man  (old  R — n  the 
ex-flagellator)  had  surveyed  him  from  head  to  foot. 

We  need  hardly  say  after  all  these  rebuffs,  that 
when  Mr.   Jorrocks   met   the  Yorkshireman,  he  was 

^  Newmarket  or  London — it's  all  the  same.  "  The  World" 
is  but  composed  of  one's  own  acquaintance. 


92     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

not  in  the  best  possible  humour;  indeed,  to  say 
nothing  of  the  extreme  sharpness  and  suspicion  of 
the  people,  we  know  of  no  place  where  a  man,  not 
fond  of  racing,  is  so  completely  out  of  his  element 
as  at  Newmarket,  for,  with  the  exception  of  a  little 
"  elbow  shaking  "  in  the  evening,  there  is  literally  and 
truly  nothing  else  to  do.  It  is  "  Heath,"  "  Ditch  in," 
"Abingdon  mile,"  " T.Y.C.  Stakes,"  " Sweepstakes," 
"Handicaps,"  "Bet,"  "Lay,"  "Take,"  "Odds," 
"  Evens,"  morning,  noon,  and  night. 

Mr,  Jorrocks  made  bitter  complaints  during  the 
breakfast,  and  some  invidious  comparisons  between 
racing-men  and  fox-hunters,  which,  however,  became 
softer  towards  the  close,  as  he  got  deeper  in  the 
delicacy  of  a  fine  Cambridge  brawn.  Nature  being 
at  length  appeased,  he  again  thought  of  turning  out, 
to  have  a  look,  as  he  said,  at  the  shows  on  the  course, 
but  the  appearance  of  his  friend  the  Baron  opposite 
the  window,  put  it  out  of  his  head,  and  he  sallied 
forth  to  join  him.  The  Baron  was  evidently  incog.  : 
for  he  had  on  the  same  short  dirty-white  waistcoat, 
Chinese  boots,  and  conical  hat,  etc.,  that  he  travelled 
down  in,  and,  being  a  stranger  in  the  land,  of  course 
he  was  uncommonly  glad  to  pick  up  Jorrocks,  so  after 
he  had  hugged  him  a  little,  called  him  a  "  bon  gar^on," 
and  a  few  other  endearing  terms,  he  ran  his  great 
long  arm  through  his,  and  walked  him  down  street, 
the  whole  peregrinations  of  Newmarket  being  com- 
prised in  the  words  "?//  street"  and  ^^  do7vn"  He 
then  communicated  in  most  unrepresentable  language, 
that  he  was  on  his  way  to  buy  "an  'oss,"  and  Jorrocks 
informing  him  that  he  was  a  perfect  connoisseur  in 
the  article,  the  Baron  again  assured  him  of  his  dis- 
tinguished consideration.  They  were  met  by  Joe 
Rogers  the  trainer  with  a  ring  key  in  his  hand,  who 
led  the  way  to  the  stable,  and  having  unlocked  a  box 
in  which  was  a  fine  slapping  four  year  old,  according 
to  etiquette  he  put  his  hat  in  a  corner,  took  a  switch 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET        93 

in  one  hand,  laid  hold  of  the  horse's  head  with  the 
other,  while  the  lad  in  attendance  stripped  off  its 
clothes.  The  Baron  then  turned  up  his  wrists,  and 
making  a  curious  noise  in  his  throat,  proceeded  to 
pass  his  hand  down  each  leg,  and  along  its  back, 
after  which  he  gave  it  a  thump  in  the  belly  and 
squeezed  its  throat,  when,  being  as  wise  as  he  was  at 
starting,  he  stuck  his  thumb  in  his  side,  and  took  a 
mental  survey  of  the  whole — "  Ah,"  said  he  at  length 
— "foin 'oss, — foin  'oss  ;  vot  ears  he  has?"  "Oh," 
said  Rogers,  "  they  show  breeding."  "  Non,  non,  / 
say  vot  ears  he  has  ?  "  "  Well,  but  he  carries  them 
well,"  was  the  answer.  "  Non,  non,"  stamping,  "  I 
say  vot  ears  {years)  he  has  ?  "  "  Oh,  hang  it,  I  twig — 
four  years  old."  Then  the  Baron  took  another  long 
look  at  him.  At  length  he  resumed,  "  I  vill  my  wet." 
"What's  that?"  inquired  Rogers,  of  Jorrocks.  "His 
7vet — why,  a  drink  to  be  sure,"  and  thereupon  Rogers 
went  to  the  pump  and  brought  a  glass  of  pure  water, 
which  the  Baron  refused  with  becoming  indignation. 
"Non  non,"  said  he  stamping,  "/  vill  my  wet." 
Rogers  looked  at  Jorrocks,  and  Jorrocks  looked  at 
Rogers,  but  neither  Rogers  nor  Jorrocks  understood 
him.  "/  vill  my  wet"  repeated  the  Baron,  with 
vehemence.  "  He  must  want  some  brandy  in  it," 
observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  judging  of  the  Baron  by 
himself,  and  thereupon  the  lad  was  sent  for  three- 
penn'orth.  When  it  arrived,  the  Baron  dashed  it 
out  of  his  hand  with  a  prolonged  sacr-r-r-r-e —  !  add- 
ing, "  I  vill  von  wet-tin-?ii?i-na-ary  surgeon."  The 
boy  was  despatched  for  one,  and  on  his  arrival  the 
veterinary  surgeon  went  through  the  process  that  the 
Baron  had  attempted,  and  not  being  a  man  of  many 
words,  he  just  gave  the  Baron  a  nod  at  the  end. 
"  How  moch  ?  "  inquired  the  Baron  of  Rogers.  "  Five 
hundred,"  was  the  answer.  "  Vot,  five  hundred 
livre  ?  "  "  Oh,  d — n  it,  you  may  take  him  or  leave 
him,  just    as  you   like,    but   you  won't  get  him  for 


94     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

less."  The  "vet"  explained  that  the  Baron  wished 
to  know  whether  it  was  five  hundred  francs  (French 
tenpences),  or  five  hundred  guineas  English  money, 
and  being  informed  that  it  was  the  latter,  he  gave 
his  conical  hat  a  thrust  on  his  brow,  and  bolted  out 
of  the  box. 

But  race  hour  approaches,  and  people  begin  to 
assemble  in  groups  before  the  "rooms,"  while  tax- 
carts,  pony-gigs,  post-chaises,  the  usual  aristocratical 
accompaniments  of  Newmarket,  come  dribbling  at 
intervals  into  the  town.  Here  is  old  Sam  Spring  in 
a  spring-cart,  driven  by  a  plough-boy  in  fustian,  there 

the  Earl  of on  a  ten-pound  pony,  with  the  girths 

elegantly  parted  to  prevent  the  saddle  slipping  over 

its   head,    while    Miss    ,    his   jockey's   daughter, 

dashes  by  him  in  a  phaeton  with  a  powdered  footman, 
and  the  postilion  in  scarlet  and  leathers,  with  a  badge 
on  his  arm.  Old  Crockey  puts  on  his  greatcoat,  Jem 
Bland  draws  the  yellow  phaeton  and  greys  to  the 
gateway  of  the  White  Hart  to  take  up  his  friend 
Crutch  Robinson  ;  Zac,  Jack  and  another  have  just 
driven  on  in  a  fly.  In  short,  it's  a  brilliant  meeting  !  ^ 
Besides  four  coroneted  carriages  with  post  horses, 
there  are  three  phaetons-and-pair ;  a  thing  that  would 
have  been  a  phaeton  if  they'd  have  let  it ;  General 
Grosvenor's  dog-carriage,  that  is  to  say,  his  carriage 
with  a  dog  upon  it ;  Lady  Chesterfield  and  the  Hon. 
Mrs.   Anson,   in   a  pony  phaeton  with  an  out-rider 

(Miss will  have  one  next  meeting  instead  of  the 

powdered  footman) ;  Tattersall  in  his  double  carriage, 
driving  without  bearing  reins ;  Old  Theobald  in 
leather  breeches  and  a  buggy ;  five  Bury  butchers  in 
a  tax-cart ;  Young  Dutch  Sam  on  a  pony  ;  "  Short-odds 
Richards"  on  a  long -backed  crocodile  -  looking 
rosinante ;  and  no  end  of  pedestrians. 

But  where  is   Mr.   Jorrocks  all  this  time?     Why, 

^  The  poverty  both  in  numbers  and  appearance  of  a  Newmarket 
turn-out  must  have  surprised  many  a  beholder. 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET        95 

eating  brawn  in  the  Rutland  Arms  with  his  friend  the 
Baron,  perfectly  unconscious  that  all  these  passers-by 
were  not  the  daily  visibles  of  the  place.  "  Dash  my 
vig,"  said  he,  as  he  bolted  another  half  of  the  round, 
"  I  see  no  symptoms  of  a  stir.  Come,  my  Lord,  do 
me  the  honour  to  take  another  glass  of  sherry."  His 
lordship  was  nothing  loth,  so  by  mutual  entreaties 
they  finished  the  bottle,  besides  a  considerable 
quantity  of  porter.  A  fine,  fat,  chestnut,  long-tailed 
Suffolk  punch  cart  mare— fresh  from  the  plough — 
having  been  considerately  provided  by  the  Yorkshire- 
man  for  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  a  cob  for  himself,  they 
proceeded  to  mount  in  the  yard,  when  Mr.  Jorrocks 
was  concerned  to  find  that  the  Baron  had  nothing  to 
carry  him.  His  lordship,  too,  seemed  disconcerted, 
but  it  was  only  momentary ;  for  walking  up  to  the 
punch  mare,  and  resting  his  elbow  on  her  hind 
quarter  to  try  if  she  kicked,  he  very  coolly  vaulted 
up  behind  Mr.  Jorrocks.  Now  Jorrocks,  though 
proud  of  the  patronage  of  a  lord,  did  not  exactly 
comprehend  whether  he  was  in  earnest  or  not,  but 
the  Baron  soon  let  him  know  ;  for  thrusting  his  conical 
hat  on  his  brow,  he  put  his  arm  round  Jorrocks's 
waist,  and  gave  the  old  mare  a  touch  in  the  flank 
with  the  Chinese  boot,  crying  out — "  Along,  me  brave 
gargon,  along,  ma  cher  1 "  and  the  owner  of  the  mare 
living  at  Kentford,  she  went  off  at  a  brisk  trot  in  that 
direction,  while  the  Yorkshireman  slipped  down  the 
town  unperceived.  The  sherry  had  done  its  business 
on  them  both ;  the  Baron,  and  who,  perhaps,  was  the 
most  "  cut "  of  the  two,  chaunted  the  Marseillaise 
hymn  of  liberty  with  as  much  freedom  as  though  he 
were  sitting  in  the  saddle.  Thus  they  proceeded 
laughing  and  singing  until  the  Bury  pay-gate  arrested 
their  progress,  when  it  occurred  to  the  steersman  to 
ask  if  they  were  going  right.  "Be  this  the  vay  to 
Newmarket  races?"  inquired  Jorrocks  of  the  pike- 
keeper.     The  man  dived  into  the  small  pocket  of  his 


96     JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

white   apron    for   a   ticket,   and  very  coolly  replied, 
"  Shell  out,  old  un."     "  How  much  ?  "  said  Jorrocks. 
"  Tuppence  "  ;  which  having  got,  he  said,  "  Noiv  then, 
you    may   turn,   for   the    Heath    be    over    yonder," 
pointing  back,  "  at  least,  it  was  there  this  morning,  I 
know."     After  a  volley  of  abuse  for  his  impudence, 
Mr,  Jorrocks,  with  some  difficulty,  got  the  old  mare 
pulled  round,  for  she  had  a  deuced  hard  mouth  of 
her  own,  and  only  a  plain  snaffle  in  it ;  at  last,  how- 
ever, with  the  aid  of  a  boy  to  beat  her  with  a  furze 
bush,  they  got   her  set  agoing  again,  and,  retracing 
their  steps,  they  trotted  "  down  street,"  rose  the  hill, 
and   entered    the    spacious,    wide-extending    flat    of 
Newmarket  Heath.     The  races  were  going  forward  on 
one  of  the  distant  courses,  and  a  slight,  insignificant, 
black  streak,  swelling  into  a  sort  of  oblong  (for  all  the 
world  like  an  overgrown  tadpole)  was  all  that  denoted 
the  spot,  or  interrupted  the  verdant  aspect  of  the  quiet, 
extensive    plain.      Jorrocks    was    horrified ;     having 
through  life  pictured  Epsom  as  a  mere  drop  in  the 
ocean    compared   with    the    countless   multitude   of 
Newmarket,    whilst     the     Baron,    who    was    wholly 
indifferent   to   the    matter,   nearly  had  old  Jorrocks 
pitched  over  the  mare's  head  by  applying  the  furze 
bush  (which  he  had  got  from  the  boy)  to  her  tail 
while  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  sitting  loosely,  contemplating 
the  barrenness  of  the  prospect.     The  sherry  was  still 
alive,  and  being  all  for  fun,  he  shuffled  back  into  the 
saddle  as  soon  as  the  old  mare  gave  over  kicking ; 
and  giving  a  loud  tally-ho,  with  some  minor  "  hunting- 
noises,"  which  were  responded  to  by  the  Baron  in 
notes  not  capable  of  being  set  to  music,  and  aided  by 
an  equally  indescribable  accompaniment  from  the  old 
mare  at  every  application  of  the  bush,  she  went  off  at 
score  over  the  springy  turf,  and  bore  them  triumphantly 
to  the  betting-post  just  as  the  ring  was  in  course  of 
formation,  a  fact  which  she  announced   by  a  loud 
neigh  on  viewing  her  companion  of  the  plough,  as 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET         97 

well  as  by  upsetting  some  half-dozen  blacklegs  as  she 
rushed  through  the  crowd  to  greet  her.  Great  was 
the  hubbub,  shouting,  swearing,  and  laughing, — for 
though  the  Newmarketites  are  familiar  with  most 
conveyances,  from  a  pair  of  horses  down  to  a  pair 
of  shoes,  it  had  not  then  fallen  to  their  lot  to  see 
two  men  ride  into  the  ring  on  the  same  horse — 
certainly  not  with  such  a  hat  between  them  as  the 
Baron's. 

The  gravest  and  weightiest  matters  will  not  long 
distract  the  attention  of  a  blackleg,  and  the  laughter 
having  subsided  without  Jorrocks  or  the  Baron  being 
in  the  slightest  degree  disconcerted,  the  ring  was  again 
formed ;  horses'  heads  again  turn  towards  the  post, 
while  carriages,  gigs,  carts,  etc.,  form  an  outer  circle. 
A  solemn  silence  ensues.  The  legs  are  scanning  the 
list.  At  length  one  gives  tongue.  "  What  starts  ? 
Does  Lord  Eldon  start?"  "No,  he  don't,"'  replies 
the  owner.  "Does  Trick,  by  Catton?"  "Yes,  and 
ConoUy  rides — but  mind,  three  pounds  over."  "  Does 
John  Bull?"  "No,  John's  struck  out."  "Polly 
Hopkins  does,  so  does  Talleyrand,  also  O,  Fy  !  out  of 
Penitence.  Beagle  and  Paradox  also — and  perhaps 
Pickpocket." 

Another  pause,  and  the  pencils  are  pulled  from  the 
betting  books.  The  legs  and  lords  look  at  each  other, 
but  no  one  likes  to  lead  off.  At  length  a  voice  is 
heard  offering  to  take  nine  to  one  he  names  the 
winner.  "  It's  short  odds,  doing  it  cautiously."  "  I'll 
take  eight,  then,"  he  adds — "5/W//  /  "  but  no  one  bites. 
"  What  will  anyone  lay  about  Trick  by  Catton  ? " 
inquires  Jem  Bland.  "  I'll  lay  three  to  two  again 
him."  "  I'll  take  two  to  one — two  ponies  to  one, 
and  give  you  a  suv  for  laying  it."  "  Carn't,"  is  the 
answer.  "I'll  do  it,  Jem,"  cries  a  voice.  "No,  j^iz^ 
won't,"  from  Bland,  not  liking  his  customer.  Now 
they  are  all  at  it,  and  what  a  hubbub  there  is  !  "  I'll 
back  the  field — I'll  lay— I'll  take— I'll  bet — ponies — 
7 


98    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

fifties — hundreds — five  hundred  to  two."  "  What  do 
you  want,  my  Lord  ?  "  "  Three  to  one  against  Trick, 
by  Catton."  "  Carn't  afford  it — the  odds  real/y  arn't 
that  in  the  ring."  "Take  two — two  hundred  to  one." 
"No."  "Crockford,  you'll  do  it  for  me?"  "Yes, 
my  Lord.  Twice  over  if  you  like.  Done,  done." 
"  Do  it  again  ?  "     "  No,  thank  you." 

"Trick  by  Catton  don't  start!"  cries  a  voice. 
'■''Impossible!''''  exclaim    his   backers.      "Quite  true, 

I'm  just  from  the  weighing-house,  and told  me 

so  himself."  "  Shame  !  shame  I "  roar  those  who  have 
backed  him  (it  being  a  play  or  pay  day),  and  "  honour 
— rascals — rogues — thieves — robbery — swindle — turf- 
ruined  " — fly  from  tongue  to  tongue,  but  they  are  all 
speakers  with  never  a  speaker  to  cry  order.  Mean- 
while the  lads  have  galloped  by  on  their  hacks  with 
the  horses'  clothes  to  the  rubbing-house,  and  the 
horses  have  actually  started,  and  are  now  visible  in 
the  distance  sweeping  over  the  open  heath,  appar- 
ently without  guide  or  beacon. 

The  majority  of  the  ring  rush  to  the  white  judge's 
box,  and  have  just  time  to  range  themselves  along 
the  rude  stakes  and  ropes  that  guard  the  run-in,  and 
the  course-keeper  in  a  shooting-jacket  on  a  rough 
pony  to  crack  his  whip,  and  cry  to  half  a  dozen  stable 
lads  to  "  clear  the  course,"  before  the  horses  come 
flying  towards  home.  Now  all  is  tremor ;  hope  and 
fear  vacillating  in  each  breast.  Silence  stands  breath- 
less with  expectation — all  eyes  are  riveted — the  horses 
come  within  descrying  distance — "  beautiful !  "  three 
close  together,  two  behind.  "  Clear  the  course  !  clear 
the  course  !  pray  clear  the  course  !  "  "  Polly  Hopkins  ! 
Polly  Hopkins  ! "  roar  a  hundred  voices  as  they  near, 
"  O,  Fy  !  O,  Fy  !  "  respond  an  equal  number.  "  The 
horse  !  the  horse  !  "  bellow  a  hundred  more,  as  though 
their  yells  would  aid  his  speed,  as  Polly  Hopkins,  O, 
Fy !  and  Talleyrand  rush  neck-and-neck  along  the 
cords   and   pass   the  judge's   box.     A  cry  of  "  dead 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET        99 

heat ! "  is  heard.  The  bystanders  see  as  suits  their 
books,  and  immediately  rush  to  the  judge's  box, 
betting,  bellowing,  roaring,  and  yelling  the  whole  way. 
"  What's  won  ?  what's  won  ?  what's  won  ?  "  is  vocife- 
rated from  a  hundred  voices.  "  Polly  Hopkins ! 
Polly  Hopkins  !  Polly  Hopkins  ! "  replies  Mr.  Clark 
with  judicial  dignity.  "  By  how  much  ?  by  how 
much  ?  "  "  Half  a  head — half  a  head,"  replies  the 
same  functionary.  "What's  second?"  "  O,  Fy  ! " 
And  so,  amid  the  song  of  "  Pretty,  pretty  Polly 
Hopkins,"  from  the  winners,  and  curses  and  execra- 
tions long,  loud  and  deep,  from  the  losers,  the  scene 
closes. 

The  admiring  winners  follow  Polly  to  the  rubbing- 
house,  while  the  losing  horses  are  left  in  the  care  of 
their  trainers  and  stable-boys,  who  condole  themselves 
with  hopes  of  "  better  luck  next  time." 

After  a  storm  comes  a  calm,  and  the  next  proceed- 
ing is  the  wheeling  of  the  judge's  box,  and  removal  of 
the  old  stakes  and  ropes  to  another  course  on  a 
different  part  of  the  heath,  which  is  accomplished  by 
a  few  ragged  rascals,  as  rude  and  uncouth  as  the 
furniture  they  bear.  In  less  than  half  an  hour  the 
same  group  of  anxious  careworn  countenances  are 
again  turned  upon  each  other  at  the  betting-post,  as 
though  they  had  never  separated.  But  see !  the 
noble  owner  of  Trick,  by  Catton,  is  in  the  crowd,  and 
Jem  Bland  eyeing  him  like  a  hawk.  "  I  say,  Waggey," 
cries  he  (singHng  out  a  friend  stationed  by  his  lord- 
ship), "had  you  aught  on  Trick,  by  Catton?"  "No, 
Jem,"  roars  Wagstaff,  shaking  his  head,  "  I  knew  my 
man  too  well."  "  Why  now,  Waggey,  do  you  know  / 
wouldn't  have  done  such  a  thing  for  the  world !  no, 
not  even  to  have  been  made  a  Markiss  !  "  A  horse- 
laugh follows  this  denunciation,  at  which  the  newly- 
created  marquis  bites  his  livid  lips. 

The  Baron,  who  appears  to  have  no  taste  for 
walking,  still  sticks  to   the   punch   mare,  which  Mn 


loo   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Jorrocks  steers  to  the  newly-formed  ring,  aided  by 
the  Baron  and  the  furze  bush.  Here  they  come 
upon  Sam  Spring,  whose  boy  has  just  brought  his 
spring-cart  to  bear  upon  the  ring  formed  by  the 
horsemen,  and  thinking  it  a  pity  that  a  nobleman  of 
any  country  should  be  reduced  to  the  necessity  of 
riding  double,  very  politely  offers  to  take  one  into  his 
carriage.  Jorrocks  accepts  the  offer,  and  forthwith 
proceeds  to  make  himself  quite  at  home  in  it.  The 
chorus  again  commences,  and  Jorrocks  interrogates 
Sam  as  to  the  names  of  the  brawlers.  "Who  is 
that?"  said  he,  "offering  to  bet  a  thousand  to  a 
hundred."  Spring,  after  eyeing  him  through  his 
spectacles,  with  a  grin  and  a  look  of  suspicion,  replies, 
"  Come  now — come — let's  have  no  nonsense — you 
know  as  well  as  L"  "  Really,"  replies  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
most  earnestly,  "/ ^(?«V."  "Why,  where  have  you 
lived  all  your  life?"  "  First  part  of  it  with  my  grand- 
mother at  Lisson  Grove,  afterwards  at  Camberwell, 
but  now  I  resides  in  Great  Coram  Street,  Russell 
Square — a  werry  fashionable  neighbourhood."  "  Oh, 
I  see,"  replies  Sam,  "  you  are  one  of  the  reg'lar  city 
coves,  then — now,  what  brings  you  here?"  "Just  to 
say  I've  been  to  Newmarket,  for  I'm  blowed  if  ever 
you  catch  me  here  again."  "That's  a  pity,"  replied 
Sam,  "  for  you  look  like  a  promising  man — a  hand- 
some-bodied chap  in  the  face — don't  you  sport  any  ?  " 
"  Oh,  a  vast ! — 'unt  regularly — I'm  a  member  of  the 
Surrey  'unt — capital  one  it  is,  too — best  in  England 
by  far."  "What  do  you  hunt?"  inquired  Sam. 
"Foxes,  to  be  sure."  "And  are  they  good  eating?" 
"  Come,"  replied  Jorrocks,  "  you  know  as  well  as  I 
do,  we  don't  eat  'em."  The  dialogue  was  interrupted 
by  someone  calling  to  Sam  to  know  what  he  was 
backing. 

"The  Bedlamite  colt,  my  Lord,"  with  a  forefinger 
to  his  hat.  "Who's  that?"  in(|uired  Jorrocks. 
"  That's    my   Lord    L — ,  a    baron-lord — and   a   very 


THE  TURF  :  AT  NEWMARKET       loi 

nice  one — best  baron-lord  I  know — always  bets  with 
me — that's  another  baron-lord  next  him,  and  the  man 
next  him  is  a  baron-knight,  a  stage  below  a  baron-lord 
— something  between  a  nobleman  and  a  gentleman." 
"  And  who  be  that  stout,  good-looking  man  in  a  blue 
coat  and  velvet  collar  next  him,  just  rubbing  his  chin 
with  the  race-card — he'll  be  a  lord  too,  I  suppose  ?  " 
"  No, — that's  Mr.  Gully,  as  honest  a  man  as  ever 
came  here, — that's  Crockford  before  him.  The  man 
on  the  right  is  Mr.  C — ,  who  they  call  the  '  Cracks- 
man,' because  formerly  he  was  a  professional  house- 
breaker, but  he  has  given  up  that  trade,  and  turned 
gentleman,  bets,  and  keeps  a  gaming-table.  This 
little  ugly,  black-faced  chap,  that  looks  for  all  the 
world  like  a  bilious  Scotch  terrier,  has  lately  come 
among  us.  He  was  a  tramping  pedlar — sold  worsted 
stockings — attended  country  courses,  and  occasionally 
bet  a  pair.  Now  he  bets  thousands  of  pounds,  and 
keeps  race-horses.  The  chaps  about  him,  all  covered 
with  chains  and  rings  and  brooches,  were  in  the 
duffing-line — sold  brimstoned  sparrows  for  canary- 
birds,  Norwich  shawls  for  real  Cashmere,  and  dried 
cabbage-leaves  for  cigars.  Now  each  has  a  first-rate 
house,  horses  and  carriages,  and  a  play-actress  among 
them.  Yon  chap,  with  an  <?.rtravagantly  big  mouth, 
is  a  cabinetmaker  at  Cambridge.  He'll  bet  you  a 
thousand  pounds  as  soon  as  look  at  you. 

"  The  chap  on  the  right  of  the  post,  with  the  red 
tie,  is  the  son  of  an  ostler.  He  commenced  betting 
thousands  with  a  farthing  capital.  The  man  next 
him,  all  teeth  and  hair,  like  a  rat-catcher's  dog,  is  an 
Honourable  by  birth,  but  not  very  honourable  in  his 

nature."     "  But  see,"  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks,"  "  Lord 

is  talking  to  the  Cracksman."  "To  be  sure,"  replies 
Sam,  "that's  the  beauty  of  the  turf.  The  lord  and 
the  leg  are  reduced  to  an  equality.  Take  my  word 
for  it,  if  you  have  a  turn  for  good  society,  you  should 
come  upon  the  turf. — I  say,  my  Lord  Duke  ! "  with 


102   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

all  five  fingers  up  to  his  hat,  "  I'll  lay  you  three  to 
two  on  the  Bedlamite  colt."  "Done,  Mr.  Spring," 
replies  his  Grace,  "three  ponies  to  two."  "There/" 
cried  Mr.  Spring,  turning  to  Jorrocks,  "didn't  I  tell 
you  so?"  The  riot  around  the  post  increases.  It 
is  near  the  moment  of  starting,  and  the  legs  again 
become  clamorous  for  what  they  want.  Their 
vehemence  increases.  Each  man  is  in  extremis. 
"They  are  off!"  cries  one.  "No,  they  are  not," 
replies  another.  "  False  start,"  roars  a  third.  "Now 
they  come!"  "No,  they  don't!"  "Back  again." 
They  are  off  at  last,  however,  and  away  they  speed 
over  the  flat.  The  horses  come  within  descrying 
distance.  It's  a  beautiful  race — run  at  score  the 
whole  way,  and  only  two  tailed  off  within  the  cords. 
Now  they  set  to — whips  and  spurs  go,  legs  leap,  lords 
shout,  and  amid  the  same  scene  of  confusion — betting, 
galloping,  cursing,  swearing,  and  bellowing — the  horses 
rush  p>ast  the  judge's  box. 

But  we  have  run  oiir  race,  and  will  not  fatigue  our 
readers  with  repetition.  Let  us,  however,  spend  the 
evening,  and  then  the  "  Day  at  Newmarket "  will  be 
done. 

Mr.  Spring,  with  his  usual  attention  to  strangers, 
persuades  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  make  one  of  a  most  agree- 
able dinner-party  at  the  White  Hart,  on  the  assurance 
of  spending  a  delightful  evening.  Covers  are  laid  for 
sixteen  in  the  front  room  downstairs,  and  about  six 
o'clock  that  number  are  ready  to  sit  down.  Mr. 
Badchild,  the  accomplished  keeper  of  an  oyster-room 
and  minor  hell  in  Pickering  Place,  is  prevailed  upon 
to  take  the  chair,  supported  on  his  right  by  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  and  on  his  left  by  Mr.  Tom  Rhodes,  of 
Thames  Street,  while  the  stout,  jolly,  portly  Jerry 
Hawthorn  fills — in  the  fullest  sense  of  the  word — the 
vice-chair.  Just  as  the  waiters  are  removing  the 
covers,  in  stalks  the  Baron,  in  his  conical  hat,  and 
reconnoitres  the  viands.     Sam,  all  politeness,  invites 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET       103 

him  to  join  the  party.  "  I  tank  you,"  replies  the 
Baron,  "  but  I  have  my  wet  in  de  next  room,"  "  But 
bring  your  wet  with  you,"  rejoins  Sam,  "we'll  all  have 
our  ivet  together  after  dinner,"  thinking  the  Baron 
meant  his  wine. 

The  usual  inn  grace — "  For  what  we  are  going  to 
receive  the  host  expects  to  be  paid," — having  been 
said  with  great  feeling  and  earnestness,  they  all  set 
to  at  the  victuals,  and  little  conversation  passed  until 
the  removal  of  the  cloth,  when  Mr.  Badchild,  calling 
upon  his  Vice,  observed  that  as  in  all  probability 
there  were  gentlemen  of  different  political  and  other 
opinions  present,  perhaps  the  best  way  would  be  to 
give  a  comprehensive  toast,  and  so  get  over  any 
debatable  ground, — he  therefore  proposed  to  drink 
in  a  bumper,  "  The  King,  the  Queen,  and  all  the 
Royal  Family,  the  Ministry,  particularly  the  Master 
of  the  Horse,  the  Army,  the  Navy,  the  Church,  the 
State,  and  after  the  excellent  dinner  they  had  eaten, 
he  would  include  the  name  of  the  landlord  of  the 
White  Hart"  (great  applause).  Song  from  Jerry 
Hawthorn — "  The  King  of  the  Cannibal  Islands." — 
The  chairman  then  called  upon  the  company  to  fill 
their  glasses  to  a  toast  upon  which  there  could  be 
no  difference  of  opinion.  "  It  was  a  sport  which  they 
all  enjoyed,  one  that  was  delightful  to  the  old  and  to 
the  young,  to  the  peer  and  to  the  peasant,  and  open 
to  all.  Whatever  might  be  the  merits  of  other 
amusements,  he  had  never  yet  met  any  man  with 
the  hardihood  to  deny  that  racing  was  at  once  the 
noblest  and  most  legitimate "  (loud  cheers,  and 
thumps  on  the  table,  that  set  all  the  glasses  dancing), 
"not  only  was  it  the  noblest  and  most  legitimate, 
but  it  was  the  most  profitable ;  and  where  was  the 
man  of  high  and  honourable  principle  who  did  not 
feel,  when  breathing  the  pure  atmosphere  of  that 
Heath,  a  lofty  self-satisfaction  at  the  thought  that 
though  he  might  have  left  those  who  were  near  and 


104   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

dear  to  him  in  a  less  genial  atmosphere,  still  he  was 
not  selfishly  enjoying  himself,  without  a  thought  for 
their  welfare ;  for  racing,  while  it  brought  health  and 
vigour  to  the  father,  also  brought  what  was  dearer  to 
the  mind  of  a  parent — the  means  of  promoting  the 
happiness  and  prosperity  of  his  family"  (immense 
cheers).  "With  these  few  observations,  he  should 
simply  propose,  'The  Turf,'  and  may  we  long  be 
above  it" — (applause,  and,  on  a  motion  of  Mr. 
Spring,  three  cheers  for  Mrs.  Badchild  and  all  the 
little  Badchildren  were  called  for  and  given).  When 
the  noise  had  subsided,  Mr.  Jorrocks  very  deliberately 
got  up,  amid  whispers  and  inquiries  as  to  who  he 
was.  "  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  with  an  indignant  stare, 
and  a  thump  on  the  table.  "  Gentlemen,  I  say,  in 
much  of  what  has  fallen  from  our  worthy  chairman, 
I  go-in-sides,  save  in  what  he  says  about  racing — I 
insists  that  ^tinti?ig  is  the  sport  of  sports  "  (immense 
laughter,  and  cries  of  "Wot  an  old  fool ! ")  "  Gentlemen 
yu  may  laugh,  but  I  say  it's  a  fact,  and  though  I  doesn't 
wish  to  create  no  displeasancywhatsomever,  yet  I  should 
despise  myself  most  confoundedly — should  consider 
myself  unworthy  of  the  great  and  distinguished  'unt  to 
which  I  have  the  honour  to  belong,  if  I  sat  quietly 
down  without  sticking  up  for  the  Chase  (laughter) — 
I  say,  it's  one  of  the  balances  of  the  Constitution 
(laughter) — I  say,  it's  the  sport  of  kings  !  the  image 
of  war  without  its  guilt  (hisses  and  immense  laughter). 
I  will  fearlessly  propose  a  bumper  toast — I  will  give 
you  '  Fox-hunting.'  "  There  was  some  demur  about 
drinking  it,  but  on  the  interposition  of  Sam  Spring, 
who  assured  the  company  that  Jorrocks  was  one  of 
the  right  sort,  and  with  an  addition  proposed  by  Jerry 
Hawthorn,  which  made  the  toast  more  comprehensible, 
they  swallowed  it,  and  the  chairman  followed  it  up 
with  "The  Sod," — which  was  drunk  with  great  ap- 
plause. Mr.  Cox  of  Blue  Hammerton  returned 
thanks.     "  He  considered  cock-fighting  the  finest  of 


THE  TURF:  AT  NEWMARKET       105 

all  fine  amusements.  Nothing  could  equal  the  rush 
between  two  prime  grey-hackles — that  was  his  colour. 
The  chairman  had  said  a  vast  for  racing,  and  to  cut 
the  matter  short,  he  might  observe  that  cock-fighting 
combined  all  the  advantages  of  making  money,  with 
the  additional  benefit  of  not  being  interfered  with  by 
the  weather.  He  begged  to  return  his  best  thanks 
for  himself  and  brother  sods,  and  only  regretted  he 
had  not  been  taught  speaking  in  his  youth,  or  he 
would  certainly  have  convinced  them  all  that  '  Cock- 
ing '  was  the  sport."  "  Coursing  "  was  the  next  toast, 
for  which  Arthur  Pavis,  the  jockey,  returned  thanks. 
"  He  was  very  fond  of  the  'long  dogs,'  and  thought, 
after  racing,  coursing  was  the  true  thing.  He  was  no 
orator,  and  so  he  drank  off  his  wine  to  the  health  of 
the  company."  "Steeplechasing  "  followed,  for  which 
Mr.  Coalman  of  St.  Albans  returned  thanks,  assuring 
the  company  that  it  answered  his  purpose  remarkably 
well.  Then  the  Vice  gave  the  Chair,  and  the  Chair 
gave  the  Vice ;  and  by  way  of  a  finale,  Mr.  Badchild 
proposed  the  game  of  Chicken-hazard,  observing  in 
a  whisper  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  that  perhaps  he  would 
like  to  subscribe  to  a  joint-stock  purse  ^  for  the 
purpose  of  going  to  hell.  To  which  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
with  great  gravity,  replied,  "  Sir,  I'm  d — d  if  I  do." 

^  It  is  common  for  parties  to  club  their  money  and  appoint 
one  of  their  body  to  play  the  game. 


AQUATICS:  MR.  JORROCKS  AT 
MARGATE 

THE  shady  side  of  Cheapside  had  become  a  luxury, 
and  footmen  in  red  plush  breeches  objects  of 
real  commiseration,  when  Mr.  Jorrocks,  tired  of  the 
heat  and  "ungrateful  hurry  of  the  town,"  resolved 
upon  undertaking  an  aquatic  excursion.  He  was 
sitting,  as  is  "his  custom  always  in  the  afternoon," 
in  the  arbour  at  the  further  end  of  his  gravel  walk, 
which  he  dignifies  by  the  name  of  "  garden,"  and  had 
just  finished  a  rough  mental  calculation  as  to  whether 
he  could  eat  more  bread  spread  with  jam  or  honey, 
when  the  idea  of  the  jaunt  entered  his  imagination. 
Being  a  man  of  great  decision,  he  speedily  winnowed 
the  project  over  in  his  mind,  and,  producing  a  five- 
pound  note  from  the  fob  of  his  small-clothes,  passed 
it  in  review  between  his  fingers,  rubbed  out  the 
creases,  held  it  up  to  the  light,  re-folded  and  restored 
it  to  his  fob.  "  Batsay,"  cried  he,  "  bring  my  castor 
— the  white  one  as  hangs  next  the  blue  cloak  "i;  and 
forthwith  a  rough-napped,  unshorn-looking,  white  hat 
was  transferred  from  the  peg  to  Mr.  Jorrocks's  head. 
This  done,  he  proceeded  to  the  Piazza,  where  he 
found  the  Yorkshircman  exercising  himself  up  and 
down  the  spacious  coffee-room,  and,  grasping  his 
hand  with  the  firmness  of  a  vice,  he  forthwith  began 
unburthening  himself  of  the  object  of  his  mission. 
^"02v  are  you  V  said  he,  shaking  his  arm  like  the 
handle  of  a  pump,  " 'Ow  are  you,  I  say? — I'm  so 
delighted  to  see  you,  ye  carn't  think  —  Isn't  this 
charming  weather  ?     It  makes  me  feel  like  a  butter- 

108 


AQUATICS  :  AT  MARGATE  107 

fly — really  think  the  'air  is  sprouting  under  my  vig." 
Here  he  took  off  his  wig  and  rubbed  his  hand  over 
his  bald  head,  as  though  he  were  feeling  for  the 
shoots. 

"  Now  to  business — Mrs.  J.  is  away  at  Tooting,  as 
you  perhaps  knows,  and  I'm  all  alone  in  Great  Coram 
Street,  with  the  key  of  the  cellar,  larder,  and  all  that 
sort  of  thing,  and  I've  a  werry  great  mind  to  be  off  on 
a  jaunt — what  say  you  ?  "  "  Not  the  slightest  objec- 
tion," replied  the  Yorkshireman,  "  on  the  old  principle 
of  you  finding  cash  and  me  finding  company."  "  Why, 
now  I  tell  you,  werry  honestly,  that  I  should  greatly 
prefer  your  paying  your  own  shot;  but,  however,  if 
you've  a  mind  to  do  as  I  do,  I'll  let  you  stand  in  the 
half  of  a  five-pound  note  and  whatever  silver  I  have  in 
my  pocket,"  pulling  out  a  great  handful  as  he  spoke, 
and  counting  up  thirty-two  and  sixpence.  "  Very 
good,"  replied  the  Yorkshireman  when  he  had 
finished,  "  I'm  your  man  ; — and  not  to  be  behind- 
hand in  point  of  liberality,  I've  got  threepence  that 
I  received  in  change  at  the  cigar  divan  just  now, 
which  I  will  add  to  the  common  stock,  so  that  we 
shall  have  six  pounds  twelve  and  ninepence  between 
us."  "  Between  us  ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  now 
that's  so  like  a  Yorkshireman.  I  declare  you  Northerns 
seem  to  think  all  the  world  are  asleep  except  your- 
selves ;  howsomever,  I  von't  quarrel  with  you  — 
you're  a  goodish  sort  of  chap  in  your  way,  and  so 
long  as  I  keep  the  swag,  we  carn't  get  far  wrong. 
Well,  then,  to-morrow,  at  two  we'll  start  for  Margate 
— the  most  delightful  place  in  all  the  world,  where  we 
will  have  a  rare  jollification,  and  can  stay  just  as  long 
as  the  money  holds  out.  So  now  good-bye — I'm  off 
home  again  to  see  about  wittles  for  the  woyage." 

It  were  almost  superfluous  to  mention  that  the 
following  day  was  a  Saturday, — for  no  discreet  citizen 
would  think  of  leaving  town  on  any  other.  It  dawned 
with  uncommon  splendour,  and  the  cocks  of  Coram 


io8   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Street  and  adjacent  parts  seemed  to  hail  the  morn 
with  more  than  their  wonted  energy.  Never,  save  on 
a  hunting  morning,  did  Mr.  Jorrocks  tumble  about  in 
bed  with  such  restless  anxiety  as  cock  after  cock  took 
up  the  crow,  in  ever}'  gradation  of  noise  from  the  shrill 
note  of  the  free  street-scouring  chanticleer  before  the 
door,  to  the  faint  response  of  the  cooped  and  prisoned 
victims  of  the  neighbouring  poulterer's,  their  efforts 
being  aided  by  the  flutterings  and  impertinent  chirrup- 
ing of  swarms  of  town-bred  sparrows. 

At  length  the  boy,  Binjimin,  tapped  at  his  master's 
door,  and,  depositing  his  can  of  shaving-water  on  his 
dressing-table,  took  away  his  coat  and  waistcoat  under 
pretence  of  brushing  them,  but  in  reality  to  feel  if  he 
had  left  any  pence  in  the  pockets.  With  pleasure  Mr. 
Jorrocks  threw  aside  the  bed-clothes,  and  bounded 
upon  the  floor  with  a  bump  that  shook  his  own  and 
adjoining  houses.  On  this  day  a  few  extra  minutes 
were  devoted  to  his  toilet,  one  or  two  of  which  were 
expended  in  adjusting  a  gold  fox-head  pin  in  a  con- 
spicuous part  of  his  white  tie,  and  in  drawing  on  a 
pair  of  new  dark-blue  stocking-net  pantaloons  made 
so  excessively  tight  that  at  starting  any  of  his  New- 
market friends  would  have  laid  three  to  two  against 
his  ever  getting  into  them  at  all.  When  on,  however, 
they  fully  developed  the  substantial  proportions  of  his 
well-rounded  limbs,  while  his  large-tasselled  Hessians 
showed  that  the  bootmaker  had  been  instructed  to 
make  a  pair  for  a  "great  calf."  A  blue  coat,  with 
metal  buttons,  ample  laps,  and  pockets  outside,  with 
a  handsome  buff  kerseymere  waistcoat,  formed  his 
costume  on  this  occasion.  Breakfast  being  over,  he 
repaired  to  St.  Botolph  Lane,  there  to  see  his  letters 
and  look  after  his  commercial  affairs  ;  in  which  the 
reader  not  being  interested,  we  will  allow  the  York- 
shireman  to  figure  a  little,  i 

About  half-past  one  this  enterprising  young  man 
placed  himself  in  Tommy  Sly's  wherry  at  the  foot  of 


AQUATICS  :  AT  MARGATE  109 

the  Savoy  Stairs,  and,  not  agreeing  in  opinion  with 
Mr.  Jorrocks  that  it  is  of  "  no  use  keeping  a  dog  and 
barking  oneself,"  he  took  an  oar  and  helped  to  row 
himself  down  to  London  Bridge.  At  the  wharf  below 
the  bridge  there  lay  a  magnificent  steamer,  painted 
pea-green  and  white,  with  flags  flying  from  her  masts, 
and  the  deck  swarming  with  smart  bonnets  and 
bodices.  Her  name  was  the  Royal  Adelaide,  from 
which  the  sagacious  reader  will  infer  that  this 
excursion  was  made  during  the  late  reign.  The 
Yorkshireman  and  Tom  Sly  having  wormed  their 
way  among  the  boats,  were  at  length  brought  up 
near  one  of  the  vessels,  and,  after  lying  on  their 
oars  a  few  seconds,  they  were  attracted  by  "  Now, 
sir,  are  you  going  to  sleep  there  ? "  addressed  to  a 
rival  nautical  whose  boat  obstructed  the  way,  and,  on 
looking  up  on  deck,  what  a  sight  burst  upon  the 
Yorkshireman's  astonished  vision  !  —  Mr.  Jorrocks 
with  his  coat  off,  and  a  fine  green  velvet  cap  or 
turban,  with  a  broad  gold  band  and  tassel,  on  his 
head,  hoisting  a  great  hamper  out  of  the  wherry, 
rejecting  all  offers  of  assistance,  and  treating  the 
laughter  and  jeers  of  the  porters  and  bystanders 
with  ineffable  contempt.  At  length  he  placed  the 
load  to  his  liking,  and,  putting  on  his  coat,  adjusted 
his  hunting  telescope,  and  advanced  to  the  side,  as 
the  Yorkshireman  mounted  the  step-ladder,  and  came 
upon  deck.  "  Werry  near  being  over  late,"  said  he, 
pulling  out  his  watch,  just  at  which  moment  the  last 
bell  rang,  and  a  few  strokes  of  the  paddles  sent  the 
vessel  away  from  the  quay.  "  A  miss  is  as  good  as 
a  mile,"  replied  the  Yorkshireman  ;  "  but  pray  what 
have  you  got  in  the  hamper  ?  " 

"In  the  'amper  !  Why,  wittles,  to  be  sure  !  You 
seem  to  forget  we  are  going  a  woyage,  and  'ow  keen 
the  sea  hair  is.  I've  brought  a  knuckle  of  weal,  half 
a  ham,  beef,  sarsingers,  chickens,  sherry  white  and 
all   that  sort   of  thing,  and  werry  acceptable   they'll 


no   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

be   by  the   time   we   get   to   the   Nore,  or   may   be 
before. 

""Ease  her!  Stop  her !"  cried  the  captain  through 
his  trumpet,  just  as  the  vessel  was  getting  into  her 
stride  in  midstream,  and,  with  true  curiosity,  the 
passengers  .  flocked  to  the  side,  to  see  who  was 
coming,  though  they  could  not  possibly  have  ex- 
amined half  they  had  on  board.  Mr.  Jorrocks,  of 
course,  was  not  behindhand  in  inquisitiveness,  and 
proceeded  to  adjust  his  telescope.  A  wherry  was 
seen  rowing  among  the  craft,  containing  the  boat- 
man, and  a  gentleman  in  a  woolly  white  hat,  with  a 
bright  pea-green  coat,  and  a  basket  on  his  knee.  "  By 
Jingo,  here's  Jemmy  Green  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
taking  his  telescope  from  his  eye,  and  giving  his  thigh 
a  hearty  slap.  "  How  unkimmon  lucky  !  The  werry 
man  of  all  others  I  should  most  like  to  see.  You 
know  James  Green,  don't  you?"  addressing  the 
Yorkshireman,  —  ^^ young  James  Green,  junior,  of 
Tooley  Street — everybody  knows  him — most  agree- 
able young  man  in  Christendom  —  fine  warbler — 
beautiful  dancer  —  everything  that  a  young  man 
should  be." 

"How  are  you,  James?"  cried  Jorrocks,  seizing 
him  by  the  hand  as  his  friend  stepped  upon  deck  ; 
but  whether  it  was  the  nervousness  occasioned  by  the 
rocking  of  the  wherry,  or  the  shaking  of  the  step- 
ladder  up  the  side  of  the  steamer,  or  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
new  turban  cap,  but  Mr.  Green,  with  an  old-maidish 
reserve,  drew  back  from  the  proffered  embrace  of  his 
friend.  "  You  have  the  adwantage  of  me,  sir,"  said 
he,  fidgeting  back  as  he  spoke,  and  eyeing  Mr. 
Jorrocks  with  unmeasured  surprise — "  Yet  stay, — if 
I'm  not  deceived  it's  Mr.  Jorrocks, — so  it  is  ! "  and 
thereupon  they  joined  hands  most  cordially,  amid 
exclamations  of  "'Ow  are  you,  J.  ?  "  "  'Ow  are  you, 
G.  ?  "  "  'Ow  are  you,  J.  ?  "  "  So  glad  to  see  you,  J." 
"So  glad  to  see  you,  G."     "So  glad  to  see  you,  J." 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  iii 

"And  pray  what  may  you  have  in  your  basket?" 
inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks,  putting  his  hand  to  the  bottom 
of  a  neat  Httle  green-and-white  willow  woman's-basket, 
apparently  for  the  purpose  of  ascertaining  its  weight. 
"Only  my  clothes,  and  a  little  prowision  for  the 
woyage.  A  baked  pigeon,  some  cold  maccaroni,  and 
a  few  pectoral  lozenges.  At  the  bottom  are  my 
Margate  shoes,  with  a  comb  in  one,  and  a  razor  in 
t'other ;  then  comes  the  prog,  and  at  the  top  I've  a 
dickey  and  a  clean  front  for  to-morrow.  I  abominates 
travelling  with  much  luggage.  Where,  I  ax,  is  the 
use  of  carrying  nightcaps,  when  the  innkeepers 
always  prowide  them,  without  extra  charge?  The 
same  with  regard  to  soap.  Shave,  I  say,  with  what 
you  find  in  your  tray.  A  wet  towel  makes  an 
excellent  tooth-brush,  and  a  penknife  both  cuts  and 
cleans  your  nails.  Perhaps  you'll  present  your  friend 
to  me  ?  "  added  he  in  the  same  breath,  with  a  glance 
at  the  Yorkshireman,  upon  whose  arm  Mr.  Jorrocks 
was  resting  his  telescope  hand.  "Much  pleasure," 
replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  his  usual  urbanity,  "Allow 
me  to  introduce  Mr.  Stubbs,  Mr.  Green,  Mr.  Green, 
Mr.  Stubbs  ;  now  pray  shake  hands,"  added  he,  "for 
I'm  sure  you'll  be  werry  fond  of  each  other " ;  and 
thereupon  Jemmy,  in  the  most  patronizing  manner 
extended  his  two  forefingers  to  the  Yorkshireman, 
who  presented  him  with  one  in  return.  For  the 
information  of  such  of  our  readers  as  may  never  have 
seen  Mr.  James  Green,  senior  junior,  either  in  Tooley 
Street,  South  wark,  where  the  patronymic  name 
abounds,  or  at  Messrs.  Tattersall's,  where  he  generally 
exhibits  on  a  Monday  afternoon,  we  may  premise, 
that  though  a  little  man  in  stature,  he  is  a  great  man 
in  mind,  and  a  great  swell  in  costume.  On  the 
present  occasion,  as  already  stated,  he  had  on  a 
woolly  white  hat,  his  usual  pea-green  coat,  with  a 
fine,  false,  four-frilled  front  to  his  shirt,  embroidered, 
pleated,  and  puckered,  like  a  lady's  habit- skirt.    Down 


112   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  front  were  three  or  four  different  sorts  of  studs, 
and  a  butterfly  brooch,  made  of  various  coloured 
glasses,  sat  in  the  centre.  His  cravat  was  of  a  yellow 
silk  with  a  flowered  border,  confining  gills  sharp  and 
pointed  that  looked  up  his  nostrils  ;  his  double- 
breasted  waistcoat  was  of  red  and  yellow  tartan  with 
blue  glass  postboy  buttons ;  and  his  trousers,  which 
were  very  wide  and  cut  out  over  the  foot  of  rusty- 
black  chamois-leather  opera-boots,  were  of  a  broad 
blue  stripe  upon  a  white  ground.  A  curly,  bushy, 
sandy-coloured  wig  protruded  from  the  sides  of  his 
woolly  white  hat,  and  shaded  a  vacant  countenance, 
which  formed  the  frontispiece  of  a  great  chuckle  head. 
Sky-blue  gloves  and  a  stout  cane,  with  large  tassels, 
completed  the  rigging  of  this  Borough  dandy. 
Altogether  he  was  as  fine  as  any  peacock,  and  as  vain 
as  the  proudest. 

"And  'ow  is  Mrs.  J.?"  inquired  Green,  with  the 
utmost  affability — "  I  hope  she's  uncommon  well — 
pray,  is  she  of  your  party?"  looking  round.  "Why, 
no,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  she's  off  at  Tooting  at 
her  mother's  and  I'm  just  away,  on  the  sly,  to  stay  a 
five-pound  at  Margate  this  delightful  weather.  'Ow 
long  do  you  remain?"  "Oh,  only  till  Monday 
morning — I  goes  every  Saturday ;  in  fact,"  added  he, 
in  an  undertone,  "  I've  a  season  ticket,  so  I  may  just 
as  well  use  it,  as  stay  poking  in  Tooley  Street  with 
the  old  folks,  who  really  are  so  uncommon  glumpy, 
that  it's  quite  refreshing  to  get  away  from  them." 

"That's  a  pity,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  one  of 
his  benevolent  looks.  "  But  'ow  comes  it,  James, 
you  are  not  married  ?  You  are  not  a  bouy  now,  and 
should  be  looking  out  for  a  home  of  your  own." 
"True,  my  dear  J.,  true,"  replied  Mr.  Green  ;  "and 
I  tell  you  wot,  our  principal  bookkeeper  and  I  have 
made  many  calculations  on  the  subject,  and  being  a 
man  of  literature  like  yourself,  he  gave  it  as  his 
opinion  the  last  time  we  talked  the  matter  over,  that 


AQUATICS  :  AT  MARGATE  113 

it  would  only  be  avoiding  Silly  and  running  into  Crab- 
beds  ;  which,  I  presume,  means  Quod  or  the  Bench. 
Unless  he  can  have  a  wife  '  made  to  order,'  he  says 
he'll  never  wed.  Besides,  the  women  are  such  a 
bothersome,  encroaching  set.  I  declare  I'm  so 
pestered  with  them  that  I  don't  know  vich  vay  to 
turn.  They  are  always  tormenting  of  me.  Only  last 
week  one  sent  me  a  specification  of  what  she'd  marry 
me  for,  and  I  declare  her  dress,  alone,  came  to  more 
than  I  have  to  find  myself  in  clothes,  ball  and  concert 
tickets,  keep  an  'oss,  go  to  theatres,  buy  lozenges, 
letter-paper,  and  everything  else  with.  There  were 
bumbazeens,  and  challies,  and  merinoes,  and  crape, 
and  gauze,  and  dimity,  and  caps,  bonnets,  stockings, 
shoes,  boots,  rigids,  stays,  ringlets  ;  and,  would  you 
believe  it,  she  had  the  unspeakable  audacity  to  include 
a  bustle !  It  was  the  most  monstrous  specification 
and  proposal  I  ever  read,  and  I  returned  it  by  the 
twopenny  post,  axing  her  if  she  hadn't  forgotten  to 
include  a  set  of  false  teeth.  Still,  I  confess,  I  am 
tired  of  Tooley  Street.  I  feel  that  I  have  a  soul 
above  hemp,  and  was  intended  for  a  brighter  sphere ; 
but  vot  can  von  do,  cooped  up  at  home  without 
men  of  henergy  for  companions?  No  prospect  of 
improvement  either ;  for  I  left  our  old  gentleman 
alarmingly  well  just  now,  pulling  about  the  flax  and 
tow,  as  though  his  dinner  depended  upon  his 
exertions.  I  think  if  the  women  would  let  me  alone, 
I  might  have  some  chance,  but  it  worries  a  man  of 
sensibility  and  refinement  to  have  them  always 
tormenting  of  one.  I've  no  objections  to  be  led,  but, 
dash  my  buttons,  I  vo?i't  be  driven!"  "Certainly 
not,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  great  gravity,  jingling 
the  silver  in  his  breeches'  pocket.  "  It's  an  old 
saying,  James,  and  time  proves  it  true,  that  you  may 
take  an  'oss  to  the  water,  but  you  carn't  make  him 
drink — and,  talking  of  'osses,  pray,  how  are  you  off 
in //^fl-/ line ? "  "Oh,  werry  well — uncommon,  I  may 
8 


114   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

say — a  thorough-bred,  bang  tail  down  to  the  hocks,  by 
Phantom,  out  of  Baron  Munchausen's  dam — gave  a 
hatful  of  money  for  him  at  Tatt.'s — -five  fives — a  deal 
of  tin  as  times  go.  But  he's  a  perfect  'oss,  I  assure 
you — bright  bay  with  four  black  legs,  and  never  a 
white  hair  upon  him.  He's  touched  in  the  vind,  but 
that's  nothing — I'm  not  a  fox-hunter,  you  know,  Mr. 
Jorrocks ;  besides,  I  find  the  music  he  makes  werry 
useful  in  the  streets,  as  a  warning  to  the  old  happle 
women  to  get  out  of  the  way.  Fray,  sir,"  turning  to 
the  Yorkshireman,  with  a  jerk,  "do  you  dance?" — 
as  the  boat-band,  consisting  of  a  harp,  a  flute,  a  lute,  a 
long  horn,  and  a  short  horn,  struck  up  a  quadrille, — 
and,  without  waiting  for  a  reply,  our  hero  sidled  past, 
and  glided  among  the  crowd  that  covered  the  deck. 

"  A  fine  young  man,  James,"  observed  Jorrocks, 
eyeing  Jemmy  as  he  elbowed  his  way  down  to  the 
boat — "  fine  young  man — wants  a  little  of  his  father's 
ballast,  but  there's  no  putting  old  heads  on  young 
shoulders.  He's  a  beautiful  dancer,"  added  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  putting  his  arm  through  the  Yorkshireman's, 
"  let's  go  and  see  him  foot  it."  Having  worked  their 
way  down,  they  at  length  got  near  the  dancers,  and, 
mounting  a  ballast  box,  had  a  fine  view  of  the 
quadrille.  There  were  eight  or  ten  couple  at  work, 
and  Jemmy  had  chosen  a  fat,  dumpy,  red-faced  girl, 
in  a  bright  orange-coloured  muslin  gown,  with  black 
velvet  Vandyked  flounces,  and  green  boots — a  sort  of 
walking  sunflower,  with  whom  he  was  pointing  his 
toe,  kicking  out  behind,  and  pirouetting  with  great 
energy  and  agility.  His  male  vis-a-vis  was  a  waistcoat- 
less  young  Daniel  Lambert,  in  white  ducks,  and  a 
blue  dress-coat,  with  a  carnation  in  his  mouth,  who, 
with  a  damsel  in  ten  colours,  reel'd  to  and  fro  in 
humble  imitation.  "  Green  for  ever ! "  cried  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  taking  off  his  velvet  cap  and  waving  it 
encouragingly  over  his  head  :  "  Green  for  ever  !  Go 
it,   Green!"   and,    accordingly    Green    went   it   with 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  115 

redoubled  vigour.  "Wiggins  for  ever!"  responded 
a  female  voice  opposite,  '' I  say,  Wiggins/"  which 
was  followed  by  a  loud  clapping  of  hands,  as  the  fat 
gentleman  made  an  astonishing  step.  Each  had  his 
admiring  applaudcrs,  though  Wiggins  "  had  the  call " 
among  the  ladies — the  opposition  voice  that  put  him 
in  nomination  proceeding  from  the  mother  of  his 
partner,  who,  like  her  daughter,  was  a  sort  of  walking 
pattern-book.  The  spirit  of  emulation  lasted  through- 
out the  quadrille,  after  which.  Sunflower  in  hand, 
Green  traversed  the  deck  to  receive  the  compliments 
of  the  company. 

"You  must   be  'ungry,"   observed   Mr.    Jorrocks, 

with   great  politeness   to   the   lady,   "after   all   your 

exertions,"  as  the  latter  stood  mopping  herself  with  a 

coarse  linen  handkerchief.     "  Pray,  James,  bring  your 

partner  to   our   'aniper,  and  let  me  offer   her   some 

refreshment,"  which  was  one  word  for  the  Sunflower 

and  two  for  himself,  the  sea-breeze  having  made  Mr. 

Jorrocks  what  he  called  "  unkimmon  peckish."     The 

hamper  was  speedily  opened,  the  knuckle  of  weal,  the 

half  ham,  the  aitch  bone  of  beef,  the  Dorking  sausages 

(made  in  Drury  Lane),  the  chickens,  and  some  dozen 

or  two  of  plover's  eggs,  were  exhibited,  while  Green, 

with  disinterested  generosity,  added  his  baked  pigeon 

and    cold    maccaroni    to     the    common    stock.     A 

vigorous   attack  was   speedily  commenced,  and   was 

kept    up,    with    occasional    interruptions    by    Green 

running  away  to  dance,  until   they  hove  in  sight  of 

Heme  Bay,  which  caused  an  interruption  to  a  very 

interesting  lecture  on  wines,  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  in 

the  act  of  delivering,  which  went  to  prove  that  port 

and   sherry  were  the  parents  of  all  wines,  port  the 

father,  and  sherry  the  mother;   and  that  Bluecellas, 

Hock,    Burgundy,    Claret,    Teneriff"e,    Madeira,  were 

made  by  the   addition  of  water,  vinegar,  and  a  few 

chemical   ingredients,    and   that   of  all    "humbugs," 

pale  sherry  was  the  greatest,  being  neither  more  nor 


ii6   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

less  than  brown  sherry  watered.  Mr.  Jorrocks  then 
set  to  work  to  pack  up  the  leavings  in  the  hamper, 
observing,  as  he  proceeded,  that  wilful  waste  brought 
woeful  want,  and  that  "  waste  not,  want  not,"  had  ever 
been  the  motto  of  the  Jorrocks  family. 

It  was  nearly  eight  o'clock  ere  the  Royal  Adelaide 
touched  the  point  of  the  far-famed  Margate  jetty,  a 
fact  that  was  announced  as  well  by  the  usual  bump, 
and  scuttle  to  the  side  to  get  out  first,  as  by  the  band 
striking  up  "God  save  the  King,"  and  the  mate 
demanding  the  tickets  of  the  passengers.  The  sun 
had  just  dropped  beneath  the  horizon,  and  the  gas- 
lights of  the  town  had  been  considerately  lighted  to 
show  him  to  bed,  for  the  day  was  yet  in  the  full  vigour 
of  life  and  light. 

Two  or  three  other  cargoes  of  cockneys  having 
arrived  before,  the  whole  place  was  in  commotion, 
and  the  beach  swarmed  with  spectators  as  anxious  to 
watch  this  last  disembarkation  as  they  had  been  to 
see  the  first.  By  a  salutary  regulation  of  the  sages 
who  watch  over  the  interests  of  the  town,  "  all  manner 
of  persons "  are  prohibited  from  walking  upon  the 
jetty  during  this  ceremony,  but  the  platform  of  which 
it  is  composed  being  very  low,  those  who  stand  on  the 
beach,  outside  the  rails,  are  just  about  on  a  right  level 
to  shoot  their  impudence  cleverly  into  the  ears  of  the 
new-comers,  who  are  paraded  along  two  lines  of 
gaping,  quizzing,  laughing,  joking,  jeering  citizens, 
who  fire  volleys  of  wit  and  satire  upon  them  as  they 
pass.  "There's  Artie  Jemmy  Green  again!"  ex- 
claimed a  nursery-maid,  with  two  fat,  ruddy  children 
in  her  arms,  "  he's  a  beauty  without  paint ! "  "  Holloa, 
Jorrocks,  my  hearty  !  lend  us  your  hand  ! "  cried  a 
brother  member  of  the  Surrey  Hunt.  Then  there 
was  a  pointing  of  fingers  and  cries  of  "That's 
Jorrocks  !  That's  Green  !  That's  Green  I  That's 
Jorrocks  ! "  and  a  murmuring  titter,  and  exclamations 
of   "There's  Simpkins  !    how  pretty  he   is!"     "But 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  117 

there's  Wiggins,  who's  much  nicer."  "  My  eye,  what 
a  cauUflower  hat  Mrs.  Thompson's  got ! "  "  What 
a  buck  young  Snooks  is  ! "  "  What  gummy  legs  that 
girl  in  green  has  ! "  "  Miss  Trotter's  bustle's  on 
crooked!"  from  the  young  ladies  at  Miss  Trimmer's 
seminary,  who  were  drawn  up  to  show  the  numerical 
strength  of  the  academy,  and  act  the  part  of  walking 
advertisements.  These  observations  were  speedily 
drowned  by  the  lusty  lungs  of  a  fly-man  bellowing  out, 
as  Green  passed,  "  Holloa !  my  young  brockley- 
sprout,  are  you  here  again  ? — now  then  for  the  tizzy  ^ 
you  owe  me, — I  have  been  waiting  here  for  it  ever 
since  last  Monday  morning."  This  salute  produced 
an  irate  look  and  a  shake  of  his  cane  from  Green, 
with  a  mutter  of  something  about  "  iniperafice"  and  a 
wish  that  he  had  his  big  fighting  foreman  there  to 
thrash  him.  When  they  got  to  the  gate  at  the  end, 
the  tide  of  fashion  became  obstructed  by  the  kissings 
of  husbands  and  wives,  the  greetings  of  fathers  and 
sons,  the  officiousness  of  porters,  the  cries  of  fly-men, 
the  importunities  of  innkeepers,  the  cards  of  bathing- 
women,  the  salutations  of  donkey-drivers,  the 
programmes  of  librarians,  and  the  rush  and  push 
of  the  inquisitive ;  and  the  waters  of  "  comers  "  and 
"stayers"  mingled  in  one  common  flood  of  indescrib- 
able confusion. 

Mr.  Jorrocks,  who,  hamper  in  hand,  had  elbowed 
his  way  with  persevering  resignation,  here  found 
himself  so  beset  with  friends  all  anxious  to  wring  his 
digits,  that,  fearful  of  losing  either  his  bed  or  his 
friends,  he  besought  Green  to  step  on  to  the  "  White 
Hart"  and  see  about  accommodation.  Accordingly 
Green  ran  his  fingers  through  the  bushy  sides  of  his 
yellow  wig,  jerked  up  his  gills,  and  with  a  neglige  air 
strutted  up  to  that  inn,  which,  as  all  frequenters  of 
Margate  know,  stands  near  the  landing  place,  and 
commands  a  fine  view  of  the  harbour.  Mr.  Creed, 
^  "Tizzy" — Margate  for  sixpence. 


ii8   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  landlord,  was  airing  himself  at  the  door,  or  as 
Shakespeare  has  it,  "  taking  his  ease  at  his  inn," 
and  knowing  Green  of  old  to  be  a  most  unprofitable 
customer,  he  did  not  trouble  to  move  his  position 
further  than  just  to  draw  up  one  leg  so  as  not  wholly 
to  obstruct  the  passage,  and  looked  at  him  as  much 
as  to  say,  "  I  prefer  your  room  to  your  company." 
"  Quite  full  here,  sir,"  said  he,  anticipating  Green's 
question.  "Full,  indeed?"  replied  Jemmy,  pulling 
up  his  gills — "that's  werry  awkward,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
has  come  down  with  myself  and  a  friend,  and  we 
want  accommodation."  "  Mr.  Jorrocks,  indeed  !  " 
replied  Mr.  Creed,  altering  his  tone  and  manner ; 
"  I'm  sure  I  shall  be  delighted  to  receive  Mr.  Jorrocks 
— he's  one  of  the  oldest  customers  I  have — and  one 
of  the  best— none  of  your  '  glass  of  water  and  tooth- 
pick '  gentleman— real,  downright  black-strap  man, 
likes  it  hot  and  strong  from  the  wood — always  pays 
like  a  gentleman — never  fights  about  threepences, 
like  some peo/>/e  Il'now,"  looking  at  Jemmy.  "Pray, 
what  rooms  may  you  require?"  "Vy  there's  myself, 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks's  other  friend — three 
in  all,  and  we  shall  want  three  good  hairy  bedrooms." 
"  Well,  I  don't  know,"  replied  Mr.  Creed,  laughing, 
"about  their  /la/riness,  but  I  can  rub  them  with 
bear's  grease  for  you."  Jemmy  pulled  up  his  gills  and 
was  about  to  reply,  when  Mr.  Jorrocks's  appearance 
interrupted  the  dialogue.  Mr.  Creed  advanced  to 
receive  him,  blowing  up  his  porters  for  not  having 
been  down  to  carry  up  the  hamper,  which  he  took 
himself  and  bore  to  the  coffee-room,  amid  protesta- 
tions of  his  delight  at  seeing  his  worthy  visitor. 

Having  talked  over  the  changes  of  Margate,  of 
those  that  were  there,  those  that  were  not,  and  those 
that  were  coming,  and  adverted  to  the  important 
topic  of  supper,  Mr.  Jorrocks  took  out  his  yellow  and 
white  spotted  handkerchief  and  proceeded  to  flop  his 
Hessian  boots,  while  Mr.  Creed,  with  his  own  hands, 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  119 

rubbed  him    over  with   a   long   billiard-table   brush. 
Green,  too,  put  himself  in  form  by  the  aid  of  the 
looking-glass,  and  these  preliminaries  being  adjusted, 
the    trio    sallied    forth    arm    in    arm,    Mr.    Jorrocks 
occupying  the  centre.     It  was  a  fine,  balmy  summer 
evening,    the   beetles   and   moths    still    buzzed    and 
flickered  in  the  air,  and  the  sea  rippled  against  the 
shingly   shore,    with    a   low  indistinct    murmur   that 
scarcely  sounded  among  the  busy  hum  of  men.     The 
shades  of  night  were  drawing  on — a  slight  mist  hung 
about  the  hills,  and  a  silvery   moon   shed   a   broad 
brilliant  ray  upon  the  quivering  waters  "  of  the  dark 
blue  sea,"  and  an  equal  light  over  the  wide  expanse  of 
the  troubled  town.     How  strange   that  man   should 
leave  the  quiet  scenes  of  nature  to  mix  in  myriads  of 
those  they  profess  to  quit  cities  to  avoid  !     One  turn 
to  the   shore,  and  the  gas-lights   of  the   town    drew 
back  the  party  like  moths  to  the  streets,  which  were 
literally  swarming  with  the  population.     "  Cheapside, 
at  three  o'clock   in   the  afternoon,"  as  Mr.  Jorrocks 
observed,  was  never  fuller  than  Margate  streets  that 
evening.     All  was  lighted  up — all  brilliant  and  all  gay 
— care  seemed  banished  from  every  countenance,  and 
pretty  faces  and  smart   gowns   reigned   in  its   stead. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  met  with  friends  and  acquaintances  at 
every  turn,  most  of  whom  asked  "when  he  came?" 
and  "  when  he  was  going  away  ?  "     Having  perambu- 
lated the  streets,  the  souad  of  music  attracted  Jemmy 
Green's  attention,  and  our  party  turned  into  a  long, 
crowded,  and   brilliantly-lighted   bazaar,  just   as   the 
last  notes  of  a  barrel  organ  at  the  far  end  faded  away, 
and  a   young  woman  in  a  hat   and  feathers,  with  a 
swan's-down  muff  and  tippet,  was  handed  by  a  very 
smart  young  man  in  dirty-white  Berlin  gloves,  and  an 
equally  soiled  white  waistcoat,  into  a  sort  of  orchestra 
above,  where,  after  the  plaudits  of  the  company  had 
subsided,  she  struck  up — 

"If  I  had  a  donkey  vot  vouldn't  go." 


I20   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  song,  and  before  the 
company  had  time  to  disperse,  the  same  smart  young 
gentleman, — having  rehanded  the  young  lady  from 
the  orchestra  and  pocketed  his  gloves,  —  ran  his 
fingers  through  his  hair,  and  announced  from  that 
eminence,  that  the  spirited  proprietors  of  the  bazaar 
were  then  going  to  offer  for  public  competition,  in 
the  enterprising  shape  of  a  raffle,  in  tickets  at  one 
shilling  each,  a  most  magnificently  genteel,  rosewood, 
general  perfume-box,  fitted  up  with  cedar  and  lined 
with  red  silk  velvet,  adorned  with  cut-steel  clasps  at 
the  sides,  and  a  solid,  massive,  silver  name-ptate  at 
the  top,  with  a  best  patent  Bramah  lock,  and  six 
chaste  and  beautifully  rich  cut-glass  bottles,  and  a 
plate-glass  mirror  at  the  top — a  box  so  splendidly 
perfect,  so  beautifully  uni(}ue,  as  alike  to  defy  the 
powers  of  praise  and  the  critiques  of  the  envious  ; 
and  thereupon  he  produced  a  flashy  sort  of  thing 
that  might  be  worth  three-and-sixpence,  for  which  he 
modestly  required  ten  subscribers,  at  a  shilling  each, 
adding,  "that  even  with  that  number  the  proprietors 
would  incur  a  werry  heavy  loss,  for  which  nothing 
but  a  boundless  sense  of  gratitude  for  favours  past 
could  possibly  recompense  them."  The  youth's 
eloquence  and  the  glitter  of  the  box,  reflecting,  as  it 
did  at  every  turn,  the  gas-lights  both  in  its  steel  and 
glass,  had  the  desired  effect — shillings  went  down, 
and  tickets  went  off  rapidly,  until  only  three  remained. 
"  Four,  five,  and  ten,  are  the  only  numbers  now 
remaining,"  observed  the  youth,  running  his  eye  up 
the  list  and  wetting  his  pencil  in  his  mouth.  "  Four, 
five,  and  ten !  ten,  four,  five !  five,  four,  ten !  are  the 
only  numbers  now  vacant  for  this  werry  genteel  and 
magnificent  rosewood  perfume-box,  lined  with  red 
velvet,  cut-steel  clasps,  a  silver  plate  for  the  name, 
best  patent  Bramah  lock,  and  six  beautiful  rich  cut- 
glass  bottles,  with  a  plate-glass  mirror  in  the  lid — and 
only  four,  five,  and  ten  now  vacant !  "     "  I'll  take  ten," 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  121 

said  Green,  laying  down  a  shilling.  "Thank  you, 
sir — only  four  and  five  now  wanting,  ladies  and 
gentlemen — pray  be  in  time — pray  be  in  time  !  This 
is  without  exception  the  most  brilliant  prize  ever 
offered  for  public  competition.  There  were  only  two 
of  these  werry  elegant  boxes  made, — the  unfortunate 
mechanic  who  executed  them  being  carried  off  by 
that  terrible  malady  the  cholera  morbus, — and  the 
other  is  now  in  the  possession  of  his  most  Christian 
Majesty  the  King  of  the  French.  Only  four  and  five 
wanting  to  commence  throwing  for  this  really  perfect 
specimen  of  human  ingenuity — only  four  and  five  ?  " 
"  I'll  take  them,"  cried  Green,  throwing  down  two 
shillings  more — and  then  the  table  was  cleared — the 
dice  box  produced,  and  the  crowd  drew  round. 
"Number  one! — who  holds  number  one?"  inquired 
the  keeper,  arranging  the  paper,  and  sucking  the  end 
of  his  pencil.  A  young  gentleman  in  a  blue  jacket 
and  white  trousers  owned  the  lot,  and  accordingly  led 
off"  the  game.  The  lottery-keeper  handed  the  box, 
and  put  in  the  dice — rattle,  rattle,  rattle,  rattle,  rattle, 
rattle,  plop,  and  lift  up — "seven  and  four  are  eleven" 
— "how  again,  if  you  please,  sir,"  putting. the  dice 
into  the  box — rattle,  rattle,  rattle,  rattle,  rattle,  rattle, 
plop,  and  lift  up — a  loud  laugh — "one  and  two  make 
three" — the  youth  bit  his  lips; — rattle,  rattle,  rattle, 
rattle,  rattle,  rattle,  rattle,  plop — a  pause — and  lift  up 
— "threes!" — "six,  three,  and  eleven  are  twenty." 
"  Now  who  holds  number  two  ?  —  what  lady  or 
gentleman  holds  number  two  ?  Pray  step  forward  !  " 
The  Sunflower  drew  near — Green  looked  confused — 
she  fixed  her  eye  upon  him,  half  in  fear,  half  in 
entreaty — would  he  offer  to  throw  for  her?  No,  by 
Jove,  Green  was  not  so  green  as  all  that  came  to, 
and  he  let  her  shake  herself.  She  threw  tw-enty-two, 
thereby  putting  an  extinguisher  on  the  boy,  and 
raising  Jemmy's  chance  considerably.  "Three"  was 
held  by  a  youngster  in  nankeen  petticoats,  who  would 


122   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

throw  for  himself,  and  shook  the  box  violently  enough 
to  be  heard  at  Broadstairs.  He  scored  nineteen,  and, 
beginning  to  cry  immediately,  was  taken  home. 
Green  was  next,  and  all  eyes  were  turned  upon  him, 
for  he  was  a  noted  hand.  He  advanced  to  the  table 
with  great  sangfroid,  and  turning  back  the  wrists  of 
his  coat,  exhibited  his  beautiful  sparkling  paste 
shirt  buttons,  and  the  elegant  turn  of  his  taper  hand, 
the  middle  finger  of  which  was  covered  with  massive 
rings.  He  took  the  box  in  a  neglige  manner,  and 
without  condescending  to  shake  it,  slid  the  dice  out 
upon  the  table  by  a  gentle  side-way  motion — "  sixes  ! " 
cried  all,  and  down  the  marker  put  twelve.  At  the 
second  throw  he  adopted  another  mode.  As  soon  as 
the  dice  were  in,  he  just  chucked  them  up  in  the  air 
like  as  many  half-pence,  and  down  they  came  five 
and  six — "eleven,"  said  the  marker.  With  a  look  of 
triumph  Green  held  the  box  for  the  third  time,  which 
he  just  turned  upside  down,  and  lo,  on  uncovering, 
there  stood  two — "  ones  ! "  A  loud  laugh  burst 
forth,  and  Green  looked  confused.  "I'm  so  glad/" 
whispered  a  young  lady,  who  had  made  an  unsuccess- 
ful "set"  at  Jemmy  the  previous  season,  in  a  tone 
loud  enough  for  him  to  hear.  "I  hope  he'll  lose," 
rejoined  a  female  friend  rather  louder.  "  That 
Jemmy  Green  is  my  absolute  abhorrence"  observed  a 
third.  "'Orrible  man,  with  his  nasty  vig,"  observed 
the  mamma  of  the  first  speaker,  "shouldn't  have  my 
darter  not  at  no  price."  Green,  however,  headed  the 
poll,  having  beat  the  Sunflower,  and  had  still  two  lots 
in  reserve.  For  number  five  he  threw  twenty-five, 
and  was  immediately  outstripped,  amid  much  laughter 
and  clapping  of  hands  from  the  ladies,  by  number 
six,  who  in  his  turn  fell  a  prey  to  number  seven. 
Between  eight  and  nine  there  was  a  very  interesting 
contest  who  should  be  lowest,  and  hopes  and  fears 
were  at  their  altitude  when  Jemmy  Green  again 
turned  back  his  coat-wrist  to  throw  for  number  ten. 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  123 

His  confidence  had  forsaken  him  a  Httle,  as  indicated 
by  a  slight  quivering  of  the  under-lip,  but  he  managed 
to  conceal  it  from  all  except  the  ladies,  who  kept  too 
scrutinizing  an  eye  upon  him.  His  first  throw 
brought  sixes,  which  raised  his  spirits  amazingly ;  but 
on  their  appearance  a  second  time  he  could  scarcely 
contain  himself,  backed  as  he  was  by  the  plaudits 
of  his  friend  Mr.  Jorrocks.  Then  came  the 
deciding  throw — every  eye  was  fixed  on  Jemmy,  he 
shook  the  box,  turned  it  down,  and  lo,  there  came 
seven. 

"  Mr.  James  Green  is  the  fortunate  winner  of  this 
magnificent  prize  !  "  exclaimed  the  youth,  holding  up 
the  box  in  mid-air,  and  thereupon  all  the  ladies 
crowded  round  Green,  some  to  congratulate  him, 
others  to  compliment  him  on  his  looks,  while  one  or 
two  of  the  least  knowing  tried  to  coax  him  out  of  his 
box.  Jemmy,  however,  was  too  old  a  stager,  and 
pocketed  the  box  and  other  compliments  at  the  same 
time. 

Another  grind  of  the  organ,  and  another  song 
followed  from  the  same  young  lady,  during  which 
operation  Green  sent  for  the  manager,  and,  after  a 
little  beating  about  the  bush,  proposed  singing  a  song 
or  two  if  he  would  give  him  lottery-tickets  gratis. 
He  asked  three  shilling  tickets  for  each  song,  and 
finally  closed  for  five  tickets  for  two  songs,  on  the 
understanding  that  he  was  to  be  announced  as  a 
distinguished  amateur,  who  had  come  forward  by- 
most  particular  desire. 

Accordingly  the  manager — a  roundabout,  red-faced, 
consequential  little  cockney — mounted  the  rostrum, 
and  begged  to  announce  to  the  company  that  that 
"celebrated  wocalist,  Mr.  James  Green,  so  well 
known  as  a  distinguished  amateur  and  conwivialist,. 
both  at  Bagnigge  Wells,  and  Vite  Conduit  House, 
London,  had  werry  kindly  consented,  in  order  to 
promote  the  hilarity  of  the  evening,  to  favour  the 


124   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

company  with  a  song  immediately  after  the  drawing 
of  the  next  lottery,"  and  after  a  few  high  -  flown 
compliments,  which  elicited  a  laugh  from  those  who 
were  up  to  Jemmy's  mode  of  doing  business, 
he  concluded  by  offering  a  "papier-mache"  tea- 
caddy  for  public  competition,  in  shilling  lots  as 
before. 

As  soon  as  the  drawing  was  over,  they  gave  the 
organ  a  grind,  and  Jemmy  popped  up  with  a  hop, 
skip,  and  a  jump,  with  his  woolly  white  hat  under  his 
arm,  and  presented  himself  with  a  scrape  and  a  bow 
to  the  company.  After  a  few  preparatory  "  hems  and 
haws,"  he  pulled  up  his  gills  and  spoke  as  follows  : 
"Ladies  and  gentlemen!  hem" — another  pull  at  his 
gills — "ladies  and  gentlemen — my  walued  friend, 
Mr.  Kitey  Graves,  has  announced  that  I  will  entertain 
the  company  with  a  song  ;  though  nothing,  I  assure 
you — hem — could  be  farther  from  my  idea — hem 
— when  my  excellent  friend  asked  me," — "Hookey 
Walker ! "  exclaimed  someone  who  had  heard 
Jemmy  declare  the  same  thing  half  a  dozen  times 
—  "and,  indeed,  ladies  and  gentlemen  —  hem  — 
nothing  but  the  werry  great  regard  I  have  for  Mr. 
Kitey  Graves,  who  I  have  known  and  loved  ever  since 
he  was  the  height  of  sixpenn'orth  of  copper  "  ;  a  loud 
laugh  followed  this  allusion,  seeing  that  eighteen  penny- 
worth would  almost  measure  out  the  speaker.  On 
giving  another  "  hem,"  and  again  pulling  up  his  gills, 
an  old  Kentish  farmer,  in  a  brown  coat,  and  mahogany- 
coloured  tops,  holloaed  out,  "  I  say,  sir !  I'm  afear'd 
you'll  be  catching  cold ! "  "I  'opes  not,"  replied 
Jemmy  in  a  fluster,  "is  it  raining?  I've  no  umbrella, 
and  my  werry  best  coat  on  !  "  "  No  !  raining  no  !  " 
replied  the  farmer,  "only  you've  pulled  at  your  shirt 
so  long  that  I  think  your  behind  must  be  bare  !  Haw  ! 
how  !  haw  !  "  at  which  all  the  males  roared  with  laughter, 
and  the  females  hid  their  faces  in  their  handkerchiefs, 
and  tittered  and  giggled,  and  tried  to  be  shocked. 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  125 

"  Order  !  order  ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks,  in  a  loud 
and  sonorous  voice,  which  had  the  effect  of  quelling 
the  riot  and  drawing  all  eyes  upon  himself.  "  Ladies 
and  gentlemen,"  said  he,  taking  off  his  cap  with  great 
gravity,  and  extending  his  right  arm — 

"  Immodest  words  admit  of  no  defence, 
P'or  want  of  decency  is  want  of  sense"  ; 

a  couplet  so  apropos,  and  so  well  delivered,  as  to  have 
the  immediate  effect  of  restoring  order,  and  making 
the  farmer  look  foolish.  Encouraged  by  the  voice  of 
his  great  patron,  Green  once  more  essayed  to  finish 
his  speech,  which  he  did  by  a  fresh  assurance  of  the 
surprise  by  which  he  had  been  taken  by  the  request 
of  his  friend,  Kitey  Graves,  and  an  exhortation  for  the 
company  to  make  allowance  for  any  deficiency  of 
"  woice,"  inasmuch  as  he  was  labouring  under  "  a 
wiolent  'orseness,"  for  which  he  had  long  been  taking 
pectoral  lozenges.  He  then  gave  his  gills  another 
pull,  felt  if  they  were  even,  and  struck  up — 

"Bid  me  discourse," 

in  notes,  compared  to  which  the  screaming  of  a 
peacock  would  be  perfect  melody.  Mr.  Jorrocks 
having  taken  a  conspicuous  position,  applauded 
long,  loudly,  and  warmly,  at  every  pause — approbation 
the  more  deserved  and  disinterested,  inasmuch  as  the 
worthy  gentleman  suffers  considerably  from  music  and 
only  knows  two  tunes,  one  of  which,  he  says,  "/V  God 
save  the  King,  and  the  other  isiitr 

Having  seen  his  protege  fairly  under  way,  Mr. 
Jorrocks  gave  him  a  hint  t.iat  he  would  return  to  the 
White  Hart,  and  have  supper  ready  by  the  time  he 
was  done;  accordingly  the  Yorkshireman  and  he 
withdrew  along  an  avenue  politely  formed  by  the 
separation  of  the  company,  who  applauded  as  they 
passed. 

An  imperial  quart  and  a  half  of  Mr.  Creed's  stoutest 


126   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

draught  port,  with  the  orthodox  proportion  of  lemon, 
cloves,  sugar,  and  cinnamon,  had  almost  boiled  itself 
to  perfection  under  the  skilful  superintendence  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  on  the  coffee-room  fire,  and  a  table  had 
been  handsomely  decorated  with  shrimps,   lobsters, 
broiled  bones,  fried  ham,  poached  eggs,  when  just  as 
the   clock   had   finished  striking   eleven,  the  coffee- 
room  door  opened  with  a  rush,  and  in  tripped  Jemmy 
Green,  with  his  hands  crammed  full  of  packages,  and 
his  trousers'  pockets  sticking  out  like  a  Dutch  burgo- 
master's.    "Veil,   I've   done   'em    brown   to-night,   I 
think,"  said  he,  depositing  his  hat  and  half  a  dozen 
packages  on  the  sideboard,  and  running  his  fingers 
through   his  curls  to   make  them  stand  up.     "  I've 
won  nine  lotteries,  and  left  one  undrawn  when  I  came 
away,  because  it  did  not  seem  likely  to  fill.     Let  me 
see,"  said  he,  emptying  his  pockets, — "there  is  the 
beautiful   rosewood   box   that   I   won,   ven    you  was 
there ;  the  next  was  a  set  of  crimping-irons,  vich  I 
von  also ;  the  third  was  a  jockey  vip,  which  I  did  not 
vant,   and  only  stood  one  ticket  for  and   lost ;  the 
fourth  was  this  elegant  box,  with  a  view  of  Margate 
on  the  lid ;  then  came  these  six  sherry  labels  with 
silver  rims ;  a  snuff-box  wnth  an  inwisible  mouse  ;  a 
coral  rattle  with  silver  bells  ;  a  silk  yard-measure  in 
a  walnut  shell ;  a  couple  of  West  India  beetles ;  a 
humming-bird  in  a  glass  case,  which  I  lost ;  and  then 
these  dozen  bodkins  with  silver  eyes — so  that  altogether 
I  have  made  a  pretty  good  night's  work  of  it.     Kitey 
Graves  wasn't  in  great  force,  so  after  I  had  sung  '  Bid 
me  discourse,'  and  *  I'd  be  a  butterfly,'  I  cut  my  stick, 
and  went  to  the  hopposition  shop,  where  they  used 
me  much  more  genteelly ;  giving  me  three  tickets  for 
a  song,  and  introducing  me  in  more  flattering  terms 
to  the  company — I  don't  like  being  considered  one 
of  the  nasty  '  reglars,'  and  they  should  make  a  point 
of  explaining  that  one  isn't.     Besides,  what  business 
had  Kitey  to  say  anything   about   Bagnigge   Veils? 


AQUATICS  :  AT  MARGATE  127 

a  hass  ! — Now,  perhaps,  you'll  favour  me  with  some 
supper?" 

"Certainly,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  patting  Jemmy 
approvingly  on  the  head — "you  deserve  some.  It's 
only  no  song,  no  supper,  and  you've  been  singing  like 
a  nightingale " ;  thereupon  they  set-to  with  vigorous 
determination. 

A  bright  Sunday  dawned,  and  the  beach  at  an 
early  hour  was  crowded  with  men  in  dressing-gowns 
of  every  shape,  hue,  and  material,  with  buff  slippers 
— the  "regulation  Margate  shoeing,"  both  for  men 
and  women.  As  the  hour  of  eleven  approached,  and 
the  church  bells  began  to  ring,  the  town  seemed  to 
awaken  suddenly  from  a  trance,  and  bonnets  the 
most  superb,  and  dresses  the  most  extravagant, 
poured  forth  from  lodgings  the  most  miserable. 
Having  shaved  and  dressed  himself  with  more  than 
ordinary  care  and  attention,  Mr.  Jorrocks  walked  his 
friends  off  to  church,  assuring  them  that  no  one  need 
hope  to  prosper  throughout  the  week  who  did  not 
attend  it  on  the  Sunday,  and  he  marked  his  own 
devotion  throughout  the  service  by  drowning  the 
clerk's  voice  with  his  responses.  After  this  spiritual 
ablution,  Mr,  Jorrocks  bethought  himself  of  having  a 
bodily  one  in  the  sea ;  and  the  day  being  excessively 
hot,  and  the  tide  about  the  proper  mark,  he  pocketed 
a  couple  of  towels  out  of  his  bedroom  and  went  away 
to  bathe,  leaving  Green  and  the  Yorkshireman  to 
amuse  themselves  at  the  White  Hart. 

This  house,  as  we  have  already  stated,  faces  the 
harbour,  and  is  a  corner  one,  running  a  considerable 
way  up  the  next  street,  with  a  side  door  communicat- 
ing, as  well  as  the  front  one,  with  the  coffee-room. 
This  room  differs  from  the  generality  of  coffee-rooms, 
inasmuch  as  the  windows  range  the  whole  length  of 
the  room,  and,  being  very  low,  they  aiford  every 
facility  for  the  children  and  passers-by  to  inspect 
the   interior.      Whether   this   is   done   to   show   the 


128   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Turkey  carpet,  the  pea-green  cornices,  the  bright 
mahogany  slips  of  tables,  the  gay  trellised  geranium- 
papered  room,  or  the  aristocratic  visitors  who  frequent 
it,  is  immaterial — the  description  is  as  accurate  as  if 
George  Robins  had  drawn  it  himself.  In  this  room, 
then,  as  the  Yorkshireman  and  Green  were  lying 
dozing  on  three  chairs  apiece,  each  having  fallen 
asleep  to  avoid  the  trouble  of  talking  to  the  other, 
they  were  suddenly  roused  by  loud  yells  and  hootings 
at  the  side  door,  and  the  bursting  into  the  coffee-room 
of  what  at  first  brush  they  thought  must  be  a  bull. 
The  Yorkshireman  jumped  up,  rubbed  his  eyes,  and 
lo  !  before  him  stood  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pufifing  like  a 
stranded  grampus,  with  a  bunch  of  seaweed  under 
his  arm  and  the  dress  in  which  he  had  started,  with 
the  exception  of  the  dark  blue  stocking-net  pantaloons, 
the  place  of  which  was  supplied  by  a  flowing  white 
linen  kilt,  commonly  called  a  shirt,  in  the  four  corners 
of  which  were  knotted  a  few  small  pebbles — producing, 
with  the  Hessian  boots  and  one  thing  and  another, 
the  most  laughable  figure  imaginable.  The  blood 
of  the  Jorrockses  was  up,  however,  and,  throwing 
his  hands  in  the  air,  he  thus  delivered  himself; 
"  O  gentlemen  !  gentlemen  !  —  here's  a  lamentable 
occurrence — a  terrible  disaster — oh  dear  !  oh  dear  ! — 
I  never  thought  I  should  come  to  this.  You  know, 
James  Green,"  appealing  to  Jemmy,  "that  I  never 
was  the  man  to  raise  a  blush  on  the  cheek  of 
modesty ;  I  have  always  said  that  '  want  of  decency 
is  want  of  sense,'  and  see  how  I  am  rewarded  !  Oh 
dear  !  oh  dear  !  that  I  should  ever  have  trusted  my 
pantaloons  out  of  my  sight."  While  all  this,  which 
was  the  work  of  a  moment,  was  going  forward,  the 
mob,  which  had  been  shut  out  at  the  side  door  on 
Jorrocks's  entry,  had  got  round  to  the  coffee-room 
window,  and  were  all  wedging  their  faces  in  to  have  a 
sight  of  him.  It  was  principally  composed  of  children, 
who  kept  up  the  most  discordant  yells,  mingled  with 


AQUATICS  :  AT  MARGATE  129 

shouts  of,  "  There's  old  cutty  shirt !  " — *'  who's  got 
your  breeches,  old  cock?" — "make  a  scramble!" — 
"turn  him  out  for  another  hunt !  " — "turn  him  again  !  " 
until,  fearing  for  the  respectability  of  his  house,  the 
landlord  persuaded  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  retire  into  the 
bar  to  state  his  grievances.  It  then  appeared  that 
having  travelled  along  the  coast,  as  far  as  the  first 
preventive  station-house  on  the  Ramsgate  side  of 
Margate,  the  grocer  had  thought  it  a  convenient 
place  for  performing  his  intended  ablutions,  and 
accordingly  proceeded  to  do  what  all  people  of  either 
sex  agree  upon  in  such  cases — namely,  to  divest 
himself  of  his  garments ;  but  before  he  completed 
the  ceremony,  observing  some  females  on  the  cliffs 
above,  and  not  being  (as  he  said)  a  man  "  to  raise  a 
blush  on  the  cheek  of  modesty,"  he  advanced  to  the 
water's  edge  in  his  aforesaid  unmentionables,  and 
forgetting  that  it  was  not  yet  high  tide,  he  left  them 
there,  when  they  were  speedily  covered,  and  the 
pockets  being  full  of  silver  and  copper,  of  course 
they  were  "swamped."  After  dabbling  about  in 
the  water  and  amusing  himself  with  picking  up 
seaweed  for  about  ten  minutes,  Mr.  Jorrocks  was 
horrified,  on  returning  to  the  spot  where  he  thought 
he  had  left  his  stocking-net  pantaloons,  to  find  that 
they  had  disappeared ;  and,  after  a  long  and  fruitless 
search,  the  unfortunate  gentleman  was  compelled  to 
abandon  the  pursuit,  and  render  himself  an  object  of 
chase  to  all  the  little  boys  and  girls  who  chose  to 
follow  him  into  Margate  on  his  return  without  them. 

Jorrocks,  as  might  be  expected,  was  very  bad  about 
his  loss,  and  could  not  get  over  it — it  stuck  in  his 
gizzard,  he  said — and  there  it  seemed  likely  to  remain. 
In  vain  Mr.  Creed  offered  him  a  pair  of  trousers — he 
never  had  worn  a  pair.  In  vain  he  asked  for  the 
loan  of  a  pair  of  white  cords  and  top-boots,  or  even 
drab  shorts  and  continuations.  Mr.  Creed  was  no 
sportsman,  and  did  not  keep  any.  The  bellman 
9 


I30  JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

could  not  cry  the  lost  unmentionables  because  it  was 
Sunday,  and  even  if  they  should  be  found  on  the 
ebbing  of  the  tide,  they  would  take  no  end  of  time  to 
dry.  Mr.  Jorrocks  declared  his  pleasure  at  an  end, 
and  forthwith  began  making  inquiries  as  to  the  best 
mode  of  getting  home.  The  coaches  were  all  gone, 
steam-boats  there  were  none,  save  for  every  place 
but  London,  and  posting,  he  said,  was  "cruelly 
expensive."  In  the  midst  of  his  dilemma,  "  Boots," 
who  is  always  the  most  intelligent  man  about  an  inn, 
popped  in  his  curly  head,  and  informed  Mr.  Jorrocks 
that  the  Unity  hoy,  a  most  commodious  vessel,  neat, 
trim,  and  watertight,  manned  by  his  own  maternal 
uncle,  was  going  to  cut  away  to  London  at  three 
o'clock,  and  would  land  him  before  he  could  say 
"Jack  Robinson."  Mr.  Jorrocks  jumped  at  the 
offer,  and  forthwith  attiring  himself  in  a  pair  of  Mr. 
Creed's  loose  inexpressibles,  over  which  he  drew  his 
Hessian  boots,  he  tucked  the  hamper  containing  the 
knuckle  of  veal  and  other  etceteras  under  one  arm, 
and  the  bunch  of  seaweed  he  had  been  busy  col- 
lecting, instead  of  watching  his  clothes,  under  the 
other,  and,  followed  by  his  friends,  made  direct  for 
the  vessel. 

Everybody  knows,  or  ought  to  know,  what  a  hoy 
is — it  is  a  large  sailing  boat,  sometimes  with  one 
deck,  sometimes  with  none ;  and  the  Unity,  trading 
in  bulky  goods,  was  of  the  latter  description,  though 
there  was  a  sort  of  dog-hole  at  the  stern,  which  the 
master  dignified  by  the  name  of  a  "  state  cabin,"  into 
which  he  purposed  putting  Mr.  Jorrocks,  if  the 
weather  should  turn  cold  before  they  arrived.  The 
wind,  however,  he  said,  was  so  favourable,  and  his 
cargo — "  timber  and  fruit,"  as  he  described  it,  that  is 
to  say,  broom-sticks  and  potatoes — so  light,  that  he 
warranted  landing  him  at  Blackwall  at  least  by  ten 
o'clock,  where  he  could  either  sleep,  or  get  a  short 
stage  or  an  omnibus  on  to  Leadenhall  Street.     The 


AQUATICS  :  AT  MARGATE  131 

vessel  looked  anything  but  tempting,  neither  was  the 
captain's  appearance  prepossessing,  still  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
all  things  considered,  thought  he  would  chance  it ; 
and  depositing  his  hamper  and  seaweed,  and  giving 
special  instructions  about  having  his  pantaloons  cried 
in  the  morning — recounting  that,  besides  the  silver 
and  eighteenpence  in  copper,  there  was  a  steel 
pencil-case  with  J.  J.  on  the  seal  at  the  top,  an 
anonymous  letter,  and  two  keys — he  took  an  affec- 
tionate leave  of  his  friends,  stepped  on  board,  the 
vessel  was  shoved  off  and  stood  out  to  sea. 

Monday  morning  drew  the  cockneys  from  their 
roosts  betimes,  to  take  their  farewell  splash  and  dive 
in  the  sea.  As  the  day  advanced  the  bustle  and 
confusion  on  the  shore  and  in  the  town  increased, 
and  everyone  seemed  on  the  move.  The  ladies  paid 
their  last  visits  to  the  bazaars  and  shell  shops,  and 
children  extracted  the  last  ounce  of  exertion  from  the 
exhausted  leg-weary  donkeys.  Meanwhile  the  lords 
of  the  creation  strutted  about,  some  in  dressing-gowns, 
others,  "full  puff,"  with  bags  and  boxes  under  their 
arms — while  sturdy  'porters  were  wheeling  barrows  full 
of  luggage  to  the  jetty.  The  bellman  went  round 
dressed  in  a  blue  and  red  cloak,  with  a  gold  hat- 
band. Ring-a-ding,  ring-a-ding,  ring-a-ding,  dong, 
went  the  bell,  and  the  gaping  cockneys  congregated 
around.  He  commenced — "  To  be  so/z-ld  in  the 
market-place  a  quantity  of  fresh  ling."  Ring-a-ding, 
ring-a-ding,  dong:  "The  Royal  Ada.laide,  fast  and 
splendid  steam-packet,  Capt.  Whittingham,  will  leave 
the  pier  this  morning  at  nine  o'clock  precisely,  and 
land  the  passengers  at  London  Bridge  Steam-packet 
Wharf — fore-cabin  fares  and  children  four  shillings — 
saloon  five  shillings."  Ring-a-ding,  ring-a-ding,  dong  : 
"  The  superb  and  splendid  steam-packet,  the  Magnet, 
will  leave  the  pier  this  morning  at  nine  o'clock 
precisely,  and  land  the  passengers  at  the  St.  Catherine 
Docks — fore-cabin  fares  and  children  four  shillings— 


132    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

saloon  five  shillings."     Ring-a-ding,  ring-a-ding,  dong  : 
"  Lost  at  the  back  of  James  Street — a  lady's  black 
silk — black  lace  wale — whoever  has  found  the  same, 
and   will    bring   it   to    the   crier,    shall   receive   one 
shilling     reward."      Ring-a-ding,    ring-a-ding,    dong: 
"Lost,  last  night,  between  the  jetty  and  the  York 
Hotel,  a  little  boy,  as  answers  to  the  name  of  Spot, 
whoever   has   found   the   same,  and  will  bring  him 
to  the  crier,  shall  receive  a  reward  of  half  a  crown." 
Ring-a-ding,    ring-a-ding,    dong :    "  Lost,    stolen,    or 
strayed,  or   otherwise  conveyed,  a  brown  and  white 
King   Charles's   setter,  as  answers    to   the   name  of 
Jacob  Jones.     Whoever  has  found  the  same,  or  will 
give  such  information  as  shall  lead  to  the  detection 
and  conversion  of  the  offender  or  offenders,  shall  be 
handsomely     rewarded."      Ring-a-ding,     ring-a-ding, 
dong :    "  Lost,  below  the  prewentive-service  station, 
by   a   gentleman   of  great   respectability— a   pair  of 
blue-knit  pantaloons,  containing  eighteen  pennyworth 
of  copper — a  steel  pencil-case — a  werry  anonymous 
letter,  and  two  keys.     Whoever  will  bring  the  same 
to  the  crier  shall  receive  a  reward. — God  save  the 
King!" 

Then,  as  the  hour  of  nine  approached,  what  a 
concourse  appeared  !  There  were  fat  and  lean,  and 
short  and  tall,  and  middling,  going  away,  and  fat  and 
lean,  and  short  and  tall,  and  middling,  waiting  to  see 
them  off;  Green,  as  usual,  making  himself  con- 
spicuous, and  canvassing  everyone  he  could  lay  hold 
of  for  the  Magnet  steamer.  At  the  end  of  the  jetty, 
on  each  side,  lay  the  Royal  Adelaide  and  the  Magnet, 
with  as  fierce  a  contest  for  patronage  as  ever  was 
witnessed.  Both  decks  were  crowded  with  anxious 
faces — for  the  Monday's  steamboat  race  is  as  great 
an  event  as  a  Derby,  and  a  cockney  would  as  Ueve 
lay  on  an  outside  horse  as  patronize  a  boat  that  was 
likely  to  let  another  pass  her.  Nay,  so  high  is  the 
enthusiasm  carried,  that  books  are  regularly  made  on 


AQUATICS  :  AT  MARGATE  133 

the  occasion,  and  there  is  as  much  clamour  for  bets 
as  in  the  ring  at  Epsom  or  Newmarket.  "  Tonikins, 
I'll  lay  you  a  dinner — for  three — Royal  Adelaide 
against  the  Magnet^''  bawled  Jenkins  from  the  former 
boat.  "  Done,"  cries  Tomkins.  "  The  Magnet  for 
a  bottle  of  port,"  bawled  out  another.  "  A  white-bait 
dinner  for  two,  the  Magnet  reaches  Greenwich  first." 
"  What  should  you  know  about  the  Magnet  ? " 
inquires  the  mate  of  the  Royal  Adelaide.  "  Vy,  I 
think  I  should  know  something  about  nauticals  too, 
for  Lord  St.  Wincent  was  my  godfather."  "  I'll  bet 
five  shillings  on  the  Royal  Adelaide."  "  I'll  take 
you,"  says  another.  "  I'll  bet  a  bottom  of  brandy  on 
the  Magnet"  roars  out  the  mate.  "  Two  goes  of 
Hollands,  the  Magnefs  off  Heme  Bay  before  the 
Royal  Adelaide."  "  I'll  lay  a  pair  of  crimping-irons 
against  five  shillings,  the  Magnet  beats  the  Royal 
Adelaide"  bellowed  out  Green,  who,  having  come  on 
board  had  mounted  the  paddle-box.  "  I  say.  Green, 
I'll  lay  you  an  even  five  if  you  like."  "  Well,  five 
pounds,"  cries  Green.  "No,  shillings,"  says  his 
friend.  "  Never  bet  shillings,"  replies  Green,  pulling 
up  his  shirt  collar.  "  I'll  bet  fifty  pounds,"  he  adds, 
getting  valiant.  "I'll  bet  a  hundred  pounds — a 
thousand  pounds- — a  million  pounds  —  half  the 
national  debt,  if  you  like." 

Precisely  as  the  jetty-clock  finishes  striking  nine, 
the  ropes  are  slipped,  and  the  rival  steamers  stand 
out  to  sea  with  beautiful  precision,  amid  the  crying, 
the  kissing  of  hands,  the  raising  of  hats,  the  waving 
of  handkerchiefs,  from  those  who  are  left  for  the 
week,  while  the  passengers  are  cheered  by  adverse 
tunes  from  the  respective  bands  on  board.  The 
Magnet,  having  the  outside,  gets  the  breeze  first 
hand,  but  the  Royal  Adelaide  keeps  well  alongside, 
and  both  firemen  being  deeply  interested  in  the 
event,  they  boil  up  a  tremendous  gallop,  without 
either  being  able  to  claim  the   slightest   advantage 


134   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

for  upwards  of  an  hour  and  a  half,  when  the  Royal 
Adelaide  manages  to  shoot  ahead  for  a  few  minutes, 
amid  the  cheers  and  exclamations  of  her  crew.  The 
Magnet's  fireman,  however,  is  on  the  alert,  and  a 
few  extra  pokes  of  the  fire  presently  bring  the  boats 
together  again,  in  which  state  they  continue,  nose 
and  nose,  until  the  stiller  water  of  the  side  of  the 
Thames  favours  the  Magnet,  and  she  shoots  ahead 
amid  the  cheers  and  vociferations  of  her  party,  and 
is  not  neared  again  during  the  voyage. 

This  excitement  over,  the  respective  crews  sink 
into  a  sort  of  melancholy  sedateness,  and  Green  in 
vain  endeavours  to  kick  up  a  quadrille.  The  men 
were  exhausted,  and  the  women  dispirited,  and 
altogether  they  were  a  very  different  set  of  beings  to 
what  they  were  on  the  Saturday.  Dull  faces  and 
dirty-white  ducks  were  the  order  of  the  day. 

The  only  incident  of  the  voyage  was  that,  on 
approaching  the  mouth  of  the  Medway,  the  Royal 
Adelaide  was  hailed  by  a  vessel,  and  the  Yorkshire- 
man,  on  looking  overboard,  was  shocked  to  behold 
Mr.  Jorrocks  sitting  in  the  stern  of  his  hoy  in  the 
identical  position  he  had  taken  up  the  previous  day, 
with  his  bunch  of  seaweed  under  his  elbow,  and  the 
remains  of  the  knuckle  of  veal,  ham,  and  chickens 
spread  on  the  hamper  before  him.  "  Stop  her ! " 
cried  the  Yorkshireman ;  and  then  hailing  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  he  holloaed  out,  "  In  the  name  of  the 
prophet.  Figs,  what  arc  you  doing  there  ? "  "  O 
gentleman  !  gentleman  ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
brightening  up  as  he  recognized  the  boat,  "take 
compassion  on  a  most  misfortunate  individual — here 
have  I  been  in  this  'orrid  'oy  ever  since  three  o'clock 
yesterday  afternoon,  and  here  I  seem  likely  to  end 
my  days, — for  blow  me  tight  if  I  couldn't  swim  as 
fast  as  it  goes."  "  Look  sharp,  then,"  cried  the  mate 
of  the  steamer,  and  chuck  us  up  your  luggage."  Up 
went  the   seaweed,  the   hamper,  and   Mr.  Jorrocks; 


AQUATICS:  AT  MARGATE  135 

and  before  the  hoyman  awoke  out  of  a  nap,  into 
which  he  had  composed  himself  on  resigning  the 
rudder  to  his  lad,  our  worthy  citizen  was  steaming 
away  a  mile  before  his  vessel,  bilking  him  of  his 
fare. 

Who  does  not  recognize  in  this  last  disaster,  the 
truth  of  the  old  adage  ? — 

"Most  haste,   least  speed." 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH 

"  TORROCKS'S  France,  in  three  volumes,  would 
J  sound  werry  well,"  observed  our  worthy  citizen 
one  afternoon  to  his  confidential  companion  the  York- 
shire man,  as  they  sat  in  the  verandah  in  Coram  Street, 
eating  red  currants  and  sipping  cold  whiskey-punch ; 
"and  I  thinks  I  could  make  something  of  it.  They 
tells  me  that  at  the  '  West  End '  the  booksellers  will 
give  forty  pounds ^  for  anything  that  will  run  into  three 
wolumes,  and  one  might  soon  pick  up  as  much  matter 
as  would  stretch  into  that  quantity." 

The  above  observation  was  introduced  in  a  long 
conversation  between  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  his  friend, 
relative  to  an  indignity  that  had  been  offered  him  by 
the  rejection  by  the  Editor  of  a  sporting  periodical  of 
a  long  treatise  on  Eels,  which,  independently  of  the 
singularity  of  diction,  had  become  so  attenuated  in 
the  handling,  as  to  have  every  appearance  of  filling 
three  whole  numbers  of  the  work ;  and  Mr.  Jorrocks 
had  determined  to  avenge  the  insult  by  turning  author 
on  his  own  account.  The  Yorkshireman,  ever  ready 
for  amusement,  cordially  supported  Mr.  Jorrocks 
in  his  views,  and  a  bargain  was  soon  struck  between 
them,  the  main  stipulations  of  which  were  that  Mr. 
Jorrocks  should  find  cash,  and  the  Yorkshireman 
should  procure  information. 

Accordingly,  on  the  Saturday  after,  the  nine  o'clock 
Dover  heavy  drew  up  at  the  Bricklayers'  Arms  with 

'  It  is  a  fact  that  such  an  impression  prevails  among  many  of 
the  non-wuling  portion  of  the  population,  and  wiser  men  than 
Mr.  Jorrocks  have  run  away  with  the  notion. 

136 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  137 

Mr.  Jorrocks  on  the  box  seat,  and  the  Yorkshire-man 
imbedded  among  the  usual  heterogeneous  assembly — 
soldiers,  sailors,  Frenchmen,  fishermen,  ladies'  maids, 
and  footmen  —  that  compose  the  cargo  of  these 
coaches.  Here  they  were  assailed  with  the  usual 
persecution  from  the  tribe  of  Israel,  in  the  shape  of 
a  hundred  merchants,  proclaiming  the  virtues  of  their 
wares ;  one  with  black-lead  pencils,  twelve  a  shilling, 
with  an  invitation  to  "  cut  'em  and  try  'em  "  ;  another 
with  a  good  pocket-knife,  "  twelve  blades  and  a  saw, 
sir  " ;  a  third  with  a  tame  squirrel  and  a  piping  bull- 
finch that  could  whistle  "  God  save  the  King "  and 
"The  White  Cockade" — to  be  given  for  an  old  coat. 
"  Buy  a  silver  guard  chain  for  your  vatch,  sir  !  "  cried 
a  dark-eyed  urchin,  mounting  the  fore-wheel,  and 
holding  a  bunch  of  them  in  Mr.  Jorrocks's  face  ;  "  Buy 
pocket-book,  memorandum  book  ! "  whined  another. 
"  Keepsake — Forget-me-not — all  the  last  year's  annuals 
at  half-price  ! "  "  Sponge  cheap,  sponge  !  take  a  piece, 
sir, — take  a  piece."  "  Patent  leather  straps."  "  Bar- 
celona nuts.  Slippers.  Morning  Hurl  (^Herald). 
Rhubarb.  'Andsome  dog-collar,  sir,  cheap  ! — do  to 
fasten  your  wife  up  with  !  " 

"Stand  clear,  ye  warmints  ! "  cries  the  coachman, 
elbowing  his  way  among  them  —  and,  remounting 
the  box,  he  takes  the  whip  and  reins  out  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  hands,  cries,  "  All  right  behind  ?  sit  tight ! " 
and  off  they  go. 

The  day  was  fine,  and  the  hearts  of  all  seemed 
light  and  gay.  The  coach,  though  slow,  was  clean 
and  smart,  the  harness  bright  and  well-polished,  while 
the  sleek  brown  horses  poked  their  heads  about  at 
ease,  without  the  torture  of  the  bearing-rein.  The 
coachman,  like  his  vehicle,  was  heavy,  and  had  he 
been  set  on  all  fours,  a  party  of  six  might  have  eat  off 
his  back.  Thus  they  proceeded  at  a  good  steady 
substantial  sort  of  pace ;  trotting  on  level  ground, 
walking  up  hills  and   dragging   down  inclines.     Nor 


138   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

among  the  whole  party  was  there  a  murmur  of  dis- 
content at  the  pace.  Most  of  the  passengers  seemed 
careless  which  way  they  went,  so  long  as  they  did  but 
move,  and  they  rolled  through  the  garden  of  England  ^ 
with  the  most  stoical  indifference.  We  know  not 
whether  it  has  ever  struck  the  reader,  but  the  travellers 
by  Dover  coaches  are  less  captious  about  pace  than 
those  on  most  others. 

And  now  let  us  fancy  our  friends  up  and  down 
Shooter's  Hill,  through  Dartford,  Northfleet,  and 
Gravesend — at  which  latter  place,  the  first  foreign 
symptom  appears,  in  the  words  "  Poste  aux  Chevaux," 
on  the  door-post  of  the  inn ;  and  let  us  imagine 
them  bowling  down  Rochester  Hill  at  a  somewhat 
amended  pace,  with  the  old  castle,  by  the  river 
Medway,  the  town  of  Chatham,  Stroud,  and  Rochester 
full  before  them,  and  the  finely-wooded  country 
extending  round  in  pleasing  variety  of  hill  and  dale. 
As  they  reach  the  foot  of  the  hill,  the  guard  commences 
a  solo  on  his  bugle,  to  give  notice  to  the  innkeeper 
to  have  the  coach  dinner  on  the  table,  all  huddled 
together,  inside  and  out,  long  passengers  and  short 
ones,  they  cut  across  the  bridge,  rattle  along  the 
narrow  street,  sparking  the  mud  from  the  newly- 
watered  streets  on  the  shop  windows  and  passengers 
on  each  side,  and  pull  up  at  the  Pig  and  Cross-bow, 
with  a  jerk  and  a  dash  as  though  they  had  been 
travelling  at  the  rate  of  twelve  miles  an  hour.  Two 
other  coaches  are  "  dining,"  while  some  few  passengers, 
whose  "hour  is  not  yet  come,"  sit  patiently  on  the 
roof,  or  pace  up  and  down  the  street  with  short  and 
hurried  turns,  anxious  to  see  the  horses  brought  out 
that  are  to  forward  them  on  their  journey.  And  what 
a  commotion  this  new  arrival  creates !  From  the 
arched  doorway  of  the  inn  issue  two  chamber-maids, 

'  Kent  has  long  been  honoured  with  this  title — -why,  wc  are  at 
a  loss  to  discover,  unless  it  be  the  "  kitchen  garden  "  for  supplying 
London  with  vegetables,  etc. 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  139 

one  in  curls,  the  other  in  a  cap ;  boots,  with  both 
curls  and  a  cap,  and  a  ladder  in  his  hand  ;  a  knock- 
kneed  waiter,  with  a  dirty  duster,  to  count  noses ; 
while  the  neat  landlady,  in  a  spruce  black  silk  gown 
and  clean  white  apron,  stands  smirking,  smiling,  and 
rubbing  her  hands  down  her  sides,  inveigling  the 
passengers  into  the  house,  where  she  will  turn  them 
over  to  the  waiters  to  take  their  chance  the  instant 
she  gets  them  in.  About  the  door  the  usual  idlers 
are  assembled.  A  coachman  out  of  place,  a  beggar 
out  at  the  elbows,  a  sergeant  in  uniform,  and  three 
recruits  with  ribbons  in  their  hats ;  a  captain  with 
his  boots  cut  for  corns,  the  coachman  that  is  to 
drive  to  Dover,  a  youth  in  a  straw  hat  and  a  rowing 
shirt,  the  little  inquisitive  old  man  of  the  place — who 
sees  all  the  mid-day  coaches  change  horses,  speculates 
on  the  passengers,  and  sees  who  the  parcels  are  for — 
and  though  last  not  least,  Mr.  Bangup,  the  "  varmint " 
man,  the  height  of  whose  ambition  is  to  be  taken 
for  a  coachman.  As  the  coach  pulled  up  he  was 
in  the  bar  taking  a  glass  of  cold  sherry  "without" 
and  a  cigar,  which  latter  he  brings  out  lighted  in 
his  mouth,  with  his  shaved  white  hat  stuck  knowingly 
on  one  side,  and  the  thumbs  of  his  brown  hands 
thrust  into  the  armholes  of  his  waistcoat,  throwing 
back  his  single-breasted  fancy-buttoned  green  coat, 
and  showing  a  cream-coloured  cravat,  fastened  with 
a  gold  coach-and-four  pin,  which,  with  a  buff  waist- 
coat and  tight  drab  trousers  buttoning  over  the  boot, 
complete  his  "  toggery  "  as  he  would  call  it.  His 
whiskers  are  large  and  riotous  in  the  extreme,  while 
his  hair  is  clipped  as  close  as  a  charity-school  boy's. 
The  coachman  and  he  are  on  the  best  of  terms,  as 
the  outward  twist  of  their  elbows  and  jerks  of  the 
head  on  meeting  testify.  His  conversation  is  short 
and  slangy,  accompanied  with  the  correct  nasal 
twang.  After  standing  and  blowing  a  few  puffs, 
during  which  time  the  passengers  have  all  alighted, 


I40   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

and  the  coachman  has  got  through  the  thick  of  his 
business,  he  takes  the  cigar  out  of  his  mouth,  and, 
spitting  on  the  flags,  addresses  his  friend  with,  "  Y've 
got  the  old  near-side  leader  back  from  Joe,  I  see." 
"Yes,  Mr.  Bangup,  yes,"  replies  his  friend,  "but 
I  had  some  work  first — our  gov'rnor  was  all  for  the 
change — at  last,  says  I  to  our  'oss-keeper,  says  I,  it 
ar'n't  no  use  your  harnessing  that  'ere  roan  for  me 
any  more,  for  as  how  I  von't  drive  him,  so  it's  not 
to  no  use  harnessing  of  him,  for  I  von't  be  gammon'd 
out  of  my  team  not  by  none  on  them,  therefore  it 
ar'n't  to  never  no  use  harnessing  of  him  again  for 
me."  "  So  you  did  'em,"  observes  Mr.  Bangup. 
"  Lord  bless  ye,  yes  !  it  warn't  to  no  use  aggravizing 
about  it,  for,  says  I,  I  von't  stand  it,  so  it  warn't  to 
no  manner  of  use  harnessing  of  him  again  for  me." 
"Come,  Smith,  what  are  you  chaffing  there  about?" 
inquires  the  landlord,  coming  out  with  the  wide-spread 
way-bill  in  his  hands,  "have  you  two  insides?" 
"  No,  gov'rnor,  I  has  but  von,  and  that's  precious 
empty,  haw  !  haw  !  haw  !  "  "  Well,  but  now  get  Brown 
to  blow  his  horn  early,  and  you  help  to  hurry  the 
passengers  away  from  my  grub,  and  maybe  I'll  give 
you  your  dinner  for  your  trouble,"  replies  the  land- 
lord, reckoning  he  would  save  both  his  meat  and 
his  horses  by  the  experiment.  "  Ay,  there  goes  the 
dinner!"  added  he,  just  as  Mr.  Jorrocks's  voice  was 
heard  inside  the  Pig  and  Cross-bow,  giving  a  most 
tremendous  roar  for  his  food.  "  Pork  at  the  top, 
and  pork  at  the  bottom,"  the  host  observes  to 
the  waiter  in  passing,  "and  mind,  put  the  joints 
before  the  women — they  are  slow  carvers." 

While  the  foregoing  scene  was  enacting  outside, 
our  travellers  had  been  driven  through  the  passage 
into  a  little  dark  dingy  room  at  the  back  of  the 
house,  with  a  dirty,  rain-bespattered  window,  looking 
against  a  white-washed,  blank  wall.  The  table,  which 
was  covered   with   a   thrice-used   cloth,  was  set  out 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  141 

with  lumps  of  bread,  knives,  and  two  and  three- 
pronged  forks  laid  alternately.  Altogether  it  was 
anything  but  inviting,  but  coach  passengers  are  very 
complacent ;  and  on  the  Dover  road  it  matters  little 
if  they  are  not.  The  bustle  of  preparation  was 
soon  over.  Coats  No.  i,  No.  2,  and  No.  3  are  taken 
off  in  succession,  for  some  people  wear  top-coats  to 
keep  out  the  "heat";  chins  are  released  from  their 
silken  jeopardy,  hats  are  hid  in  corners,  and  fur  caps 
thrust  into  the  pockets  of  the  owners.  Inside 
passengers  eye  outside  ones  with  suspicion,  while  a 
deaf  gentleman,  who  has  left  his  trumpet  in  the  coach, 
meets  an  acquaintance  whom  he  has  not  seen  for 
seven  years,  and  can  only  shake  hands  and  grin  to 
the  movements  of  the  Hps  of  the  speaker.  "  You 
find  it  very  warm  inside,  I  should  think,  sir?" 
"Thank  ye,  thank  ye,  my  good  friend;  I'm  rayther 
deaf,  but  I  presume  you're  inquiring  after  my  wife  and 
daughters — they  are  very  well,  I  thank  ye."  "  Where 
will  you  sit  at  dinner  ? "  rejoins  the  first  speaker,  in 
hopes  of  a  more  successful  hit.  "  It  is  two  years 
since  I  saw  him."  "  No ;  where  will  you  sit,  sir  ? 
I  said."  "  Oh,  John  ?  I  beg  your  pardon  —  I'm 
rayther  deaf — he's  in  Jamaica  with  his  regiment." 
"  Come,  waiter,  bring  dinner  ! "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
at  the  top  of  his  voice,  being  the  identical  shout 
that  was  heard  outside  ;  and  presently  the  two  dishes 
of  pork,  a  couple  of  ducks,  and  a  lump  of  half-raw, 
sadly-mangled,  cold  roast  beef,  with  waxy  potatoes 
and  overgrown  cabbages,  were  scattered  along  the 
table.  "  What  a  beastly  dinner ! "  exclaims  an 
inside  dandy,  in  a  sable-collared  frock—"  the  whole 
place  reeks  with  onions  and  vulgarity.  Waiter,  bring 
me  a  silver  fork  ! "  "  Allow  me  to  dt/ck  you,  ma'am  ?  " 
inquires  an  outside  passenger,  in  a  facetious  tone,  of 
a  female  in  a  green  silk  cloak,  as  he  turns  the  duck 
over  in  the  dish.  "Thank  you,  sir,  but  I've  some 
pork  coming."     "Will  you  take  some  of  this  thingum- 


142   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

bob?"  turning  a  questionable-looking  pig's  counten- 
ance over  in  its  pewter  bed.  "  You  are  in  consider- 
able danger,  my  friend — you  are  in  considerable 
danger,"  drawls  forth  the  superfine  insider  to  an 
outsider  opposite.  "How's  that?"  inquires  the 
former  in  alarm.  "  Why,  you  are  eating  with  your 
knife,  and  you  are  in  considerable  danger  of  cutting 
your  mouth." — What  is  the  matter  at  the  far  end  of 
the  table? — a  lady  in  russet  brown,  with  a  black 
velvet  bonnet  and  a  feather,  in  convulsions.  She's 
choking,  by  Jove !  hit  her  on  the  back — gently, 
gently, — she's  swallowed  a  fish-bone.  "  I'll  lay  five 
to  two  she  dies,"  cried  Mr.  Bolus,  the  sporting 
doctor  of  Sittingbourne.  She  coughs — up  comes 
a  couple  of  tooth-picks,  she  having  drunk  off  a  green 
glass  of  them  in  mistake. 

"  Now  hark'e,  waiter !  there's  the  guard  blowing 
his  horn,  and  we  have  scarcely  had  a  bite  apiece," 
cries  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  that  functionary  sounded  his 
instrument  most  energetically  in  the  passage ;  "  blow 
me  tight,  if  I  stir  before  the  half-hour's  up,  so  he 
may  blow  till  he's  black  in  the  face."  "Take  some 
cheese,  sir?"  inquires  the  waiter.  '■'■No,  surely  not, 
some  more  pork  and  then  some  tarts."  "Sorry,  sir, 
we  have  no  tarts  we  can  recommend.  Cheese  is 
partiklar  good."  [Enter  coachman,  peeled  down  to 
a  more  moderate-sized  man.] 

"  Leaves  ye  here,  if  you  please,  sur."  "  With  all 
my  heart,  my  good  friend."  "Please  to  remember 
the  coachman — driv  ye  thirty  miles."  "Yes,  but 
you'll  recollect  how  saucy  you  were  about  my  wife's 
bonnet-box — there's  sixpence  between  us  for  you." 
"  Oh,  sur !  I'm  sure  I  didn't  mean  no  unpurliteness. 
I  'opes  you'll  forget  it;  it  was  very  aggravizing, 
certainly,  but  driv  ye  thirty  miles.  'Opes  you'll 
give  a  trifle  more,  thirty  miles."  "No,  no,  no  more; 
so  be  off."  "Please  to  remember  the  coachman, 
ma'am,  thirty  miles  ! "     "  Leaves  ye  here,  sur,  if  you 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  143 

please ;   goes  no  farther,  sur ;    thirty  miles,   ma'am  ; 
all  the  vay  from  Lunnun,  sur." 

A  loud  flourish  on  the  bugle  caused  the  remainder 
of  the  gathering  to  be  made  in  dumb  show,  and 
having  exhausted  his  wind  the  guard  squeezed 
through  the  door,  and  with  an  extremely  red  face, 
assured  the  company  that  "time  was  h'up"  and  the 
"coach  quite  ready."  Then  out  came  the  purses, 
brown,  green,  and  blue,  with  the  usual  inquiry — 
"What's  dinner,  waiter?"  " Two-and-six,  dinner 
beer,  three — two-and-nine  yours,"  replied  the  knock- 
kneed  caitiff  to  the  first  inquirer,  pushing  a  blue- 
and-white  plate  under  his  nose;  "yours  is  three-and- 
six,  ma'am ; — two  glasses  of  brandy-and-water,  four 
shillings,  if  you  please,  sir — a  bottle  of  real  Devonshire 
cider." — "You  must  change  me  a  sovereign,"  handing 
one  out  "Certainly,  sir,"  upon  which  the  waiter, 
giving  it  a  loud  ring  upon  the  table,  ran  out  of  the 
room.  "  Now,  gentlemen  and  ladies ;  pray^  come, 
time's  h'up — carn't  wait — must  go  " — roars  the  guard, 
as  the  passengers  shuffle  themselves  into  their  coats, 
cloaks,  and  cravats,  and  Joe  "  Boots "  runs  up  the 
passage  with  the  ladder  for  the  lady.  "Now,  my 
dear  Mrs.  Sprat,  good-bye  —  God  bless  you,  and 
remember  me  most  kindly  to  your  husband  and  dear 
Httle  ones — and  pray,  write  soon,"  says  an  elderly 
lady,  as  she  hugs  and  kisses  a  youngish  one  at  the 
door,  who  has  been  staying  with  her  for  a  week,  during 
which  time  they  have  quarrelled  regularly  every  night. 
"Have  you  all  your  things,  dearest?  three  boxes,  five 
parcels,  an  umbrella,  a  parasol,  the  cage  for  Tommy's 
canary,  and  the  bundle  in  the  red  silk  handkerchief — 
then  good-bye,  my  beloved,  step  up — and  now,  Mr. 
Guard,  you  know  where  to  set  her  down."  "  Good- 
bye, dearest  Mrs.  Jackson,  all  right,  thank  you," 
replies  Mrs.  Sprat,  stepping  up  the  ladder,  and 
adjusting  herself  in  the  gammon  board  opposite  the 
guard,  the  seat  the  last  comer  generally  gets — "But 


144   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

stay  !  I've  forgot  my  reticule  —  it's  on  the  drawers 
in  the  bedroom  —  stop,  coachman!  I  say  guard!" 
"  Carnt  wait,  ma'am — time's  hup," — and  just  at  this 
moment  a  two-horse  coach  is  heard  steahng  up  the 
street,  upon  which  the  coachman  calls  to  the  horse- 
keepers  to  "stand  clear  with  their  cloths,  and  take 
care  no  one  pays  them  twice  over,"  gives  a  whistling 
hiss  to  his  leaders,  the  double  thong  to  his  wheelers, 
and  starts  off  at  a  trot,  muttering  something  about 
"  cuss'd  pair-'oss  coach, — convict-looking  passengers," 
observing  confidentially  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  he  turned 
the  angle  of  the  street,  "  that  he  would  rather  be  hung 
off  a  long  stage,  than  die  a  natural  death  on  a  short 
one,"  while  the  guard  drowns  the  voices  of  the  lady 
who  has  left  her  reticule,  and  of  the  gentleman  who 
has  got  no  change  for  his  sovereign,  in  a  hearty  puff 

of— 

"Rule,  Britannia, — Britannia,  rule  the  waves, 
Britons,  never,  never,  never,  shall  be  slaves  ! " 

Blithely  and  merrily,  like  all  coach  passengers  after 
feeding,  our  party  rolled  steadily  along,  with  occasional 
gibes  at  those  they  met  or  passed,  such  as  telling 
waggoners  their  linch-pins  were  out, — carters'  mates, 
there  were  nice  pocket-knives  lying  on  the  road, — 
making  urchins  follow  the  coach  for  miles  by  holding 
up  shillings  and  mock  parcels,  or  simple  equestrians 
dismount  in  a  jiffy  on  telling  them  their  horses'  shoes 
were  not  all  on  "before."^  Towards  the  decline  of 
the  day,  Dover  heights  appeared  in  view,  with  the 
stately  castle  guarding  the  channel,  which,  seen 
through  the  clear  atmosphere  of  an  autumnal  even- 
ing, with  the  French  coast  conspicuous  in  the 
distance,  had  more  the  appearance  of  a  wide  river 
than  a  branch  of  the  sea. 

The  coachman  mended  his  pace  a  little,  as  he 
bowled   along   the  gentle   descents   or  rounded   the 

*This  is  more  of  a  hunting-field  joke  than  a  real  one. 
"  Have  I  all  my  shoes  on  ? "     "  They  are  not  all  on  before." 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  145 

base  of  some  lofty  hill,  and,  pulling  up  at  Lydden, 
took  a  glass  of  soda-water  and  brandy,  while  four 
strapping  greys,  with  highly-polished,  richly-plated 
harness,  and  hollyhocks  at  their  heads,  were  put  to, 
to  trot  the  last  few  miles  into  Dover.  Paying-time 
being  near,  the  guard  began  to  do  the  amiable — 
hoped  Mrs.  Sprat  had  ridden  comfortable ;  and  the 
coachman  turned  to  the  gentleman  whose  sovereign 
was  left  behind  to  assure  him  he  would  bring  his 
change  the  next  day,  and  was  much  comforted  by  the 
assurance  that  he  was  on  his  way  to  Italy  for  the 
winter.  As  the  coach  approached  Charlton  gate,  the 
guard  flourished  his  bugle  and  again  struck  up  "  Rule 
Britannia,"  which  lasted  the  whole  breadth  of  the 
market-place,  and  length  of  Snargate  Street,  drawing 
from  J\lr.  Muddle's  shop  the  few  loiterers  who  yet 
remained,  and  causing  Mr.  Le  Plastrier,  the  patriotic 
moth  impaler,  to  suspend  the  examination  of  the 
bowels  of  a  watch,  as  they  rattled  past  his  window. 

At  the  door  of  the  Ship  Hotel,  the  canary-coloured 
coach  of  Mr.  Wright,  the  landlord,  with  four  piebald 
horses,  was  in  waiting  for  him  to  take  his  evening 
drive,  and  Mrs.  Wright's  pony  phaeton,  with  a  neat 
tiger  in  a  blue  frock-coat  and  leathers,  was  also 
stationed  behind,  to  convey  her  a  few  miles  on  the 
London  Road.  Of  course  the  equipages  of  such 
important  personages  could  not  be  expected  to  move 
for  a  common  stage-coach,  consequently  it  pulled  up 
a  few  yards  from  the  door.  It  is  melancholy  to  think 
that  so  much  spirit  should  have  gone  unrewarded, 
or  in  other  words,  that  Mr.  Wright  should  have  gone 
wrong  in  his  affairs  —  Mrs.  Ramsbottom  said  she 
never  understood  the  meaning  of  the  term,  "The 
Crown,  and  Bill  of  Rights  (Wright's),"  until  she  went 
to  Rochester.  Many  people,  we  doubt  not,  retain  a 
lively  recollection  of  the  '''bill  of  Wright's  of  Dover." 
But  to  our  travellers. 

"  Now,  sir :  this  be  Dover,  that  be  the  Ship,  I  be 
10 


146   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  coachman,  and  we  goes  no  farther,"  observed  the 
amphibious-looking  coachman,  in  a  pea-jacket  and 
top-boots,  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  still  kept  his  seat  on 
the  box,  as  if  he  expected,  that  because  they  booked 
people  "through  to  Paris"  at  the  coach-office  in 
London,  that  the  vehicle  crossed  the  channel  and 
conveyed  them  on  the  other  side.  At  this  intima- 
tion, Mr.  Jorrocks  clambered  down,  and  was  speedily 
surrounded  by  touts  and  captains  of  vessels  soliciting 
his  custom.  "Bon  jour,  me  Lor',"  said  a  gaunt 
French  sailor  in  ear-rings,  and  a  blue-and-white  Jersey 
shirt,  taking  off  a  red  night-cap  with  mock  politeness, 
"  you  shall  be  cross."  "  What's  that  about  ?  "  inquires 
Mr.  Jorrocks — "cross!  what  does  the  chap  mean?" 
"Ten  shillin',  just,  me  Lor','  replied  the  man. 
"Cross  for  ten  shillings,"  muttered  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
"vot  does  the  Mouncheer  mean?  Hope  he  hasn't 
picked  my  pocket."  "  I — you — vill,"  said  the  sailor, 
slowly,  using  his  fingers  to  enforce  his  meaning, 
"  take  to  France,"  pointing  south,  "  for  ten  shillin'  in 
my  batteau,  me  Lor',"  continued  the  sailor,  with  a 
grin  of  satisfaction,  as  he  saw  Mr.  Jorrocks  began  to 
comprehend  him.  "  Ah !  I  twig — you'll  take  me 
across  the  water,"  said  our  citizen,  chuckling  at  the 
idea  of  understanding  French  and  being  called  a 
Lord — "  for  ten  shillings — a  half-sovereign,  in  fact." 
"  Don't  go  with  him,  sir,"  interrupted  a  Dutch-built 
English  tar;  "he's  got  nothing  but  a  lousy  lugger 
that  will  be  all  to-morrow  in  getting  over,  if  it  ever 
gets  at  all ;  and  the  Royal  George,  superb  steamer, 
sails  with  a  king's  messenger  and  despatches  for  all 
the  foreign  courts  at  half-past  ten,  and  must  be  across 
by  twelve,  whether  it  can  or  not."  "Please  take  a 
card  for  the  Brocklebank — quickest  steamer  out  of 
Dover — winds  made  expressly  to  suit  her,  and  she 
can  beat  the  Royal  George  like  winking.  Passengers 
never  sick  in  the  most  uproarious  weather,"  cried 
another   tout,   running   the   corner  of  his  card   into 


THE  ROAD  :  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH     147 

Mr.  Jorrocks's  eye  to  engage  his  attention.  Then 
came  the  captain  of  the  French  mail-packet,  who  was 
dressed  much  hke  a  new  policeman,  with  an  em- 
broidered collar  to  his  coat,  and  a  broad  red  band 
round  a  forage-cap  which  he  raised  with  great 
politeness,  as  he  entreated  Mr.  Jorrocks's  patronage 
of  his  high-pressure  engine,  "  vich  had  beat  a  balloon, 
and  vod  take  him  for  half  less  than  noting."  A  crowd 
collected,  in  the  centre  of  which  stood  Mr.  Jorrocks 
perfectly  unmoved,  with  his  wig  awry  and  his  carpet- 
bag under  his  arm.  "  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  extending 
his  right  hand,  "you  seem  to  me  to  be  desperately 
civil — your  ///rliteness  appears  to  know  no  bounds — 
but,  to  be  candid  with  you,  I  beg  to  say  that  whoever 
will  carry  me  across  the  herring  pond  cheapest  shall 
have  my  custom,  so  now  begin  and  bid  downwards." 
"Nine  shillings,"  said  an  Englishman,  directly — 
"eight,"  replied  a  Frenchman  —  "  seven  -  and  -  six- 
pence "  —  "  seven  shillings  "  —  "  six-and-sixpence  "  — 
"six  shillings" — " five-and-sixpence ; "  at  last  it  came 
down  to  five  shillings,  at  which  there  were  two  bidders, 
the  French  captain  and  the  tout  of  the  Royal  George, 
— and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  like  a  true-born  Briton,  promised 
his  patronage  to  the  latter,  at  which  the  Frenchmen 
shrugged  up  their  shoulders,  and  burst  out  a  laughing, 
one  calling  him  "  my  Lor'  Rosbif,"  and  the  other 
"  Monsieur  God-dem,"  as  they  walked  off  in  search  of 
other  victims. 

None  but  the  natives  of  Dover  can  tell  what  the 
weather  is,  unless  the  wind  comes  directly  off  the  sea, 
and  it  was  not  until  Mr.  Jorrocks  proceeded  to 
embark,  after  breakfast  the  next  morning,  that  he 
ascertained  there  was  a  heavy  swell  on,  so  quiet  had 
the  heights  kept  the  gambols  of  Boreas.  Three 
steamers  were  simmering  into  action  on  the  London 
Hotel  side  of  the  harbour,  in  one  of  which — the 
Royal  George — two  britchkas  and  a  barouche  were 
lashed  ready  for  sea,  while  the  custom-house  porters 


148   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

were  trundling  barrows  full  of  luggage  under  the 
personal  superintendence  of  a  little  shock-headed 
French  commissionnaire  of  Mr.  Wright's  in  a  gold- 
laced  cap,  and  the  other  gentry  of  the  same  profession 
from  the  different  inns.  As  the  Royal  George  lay 
nearly  level  with  the  quay,  Mr.  Jorrocks  stepped  on 
board  without  troubling  himself  to  risk  his  shins 
among  the  steps  of  a  ladder  that  was  considerately 
thrust  into  the  place  of  embarkation ;  and  as  soon  as 
he  set  foot  upon  deck,  of  course  he  was  besieged  by 
the  usual  myriad  of  landsharks.  First  came  Monsieur 
the  commissionnaire  with  his  book,  out  of  which  he 
enumerated  two  portmanteaus  and  two  carpet-bags, 
for  each  of  which  he  made  a  specific  charge,  leaving 
his  own  gratuity  optional  with  his  employer ;  then 
came  Mr.  Boots  to  ask  for  something  for  showing 
them  the  way;  after  him  the  porter  of  the  inn  for 
carrying  their  cloaks  and  greatcoats,  all  of  which  Mr. 
Jorrocks  submitted  to,  most  philosophically,  but 
when  the  interpreter  of  the  deaf-and-dumb  ladderman 
defnanded  something  for  the  use  of  the  ladder,  his 
indignation  got  the  better  of  him,  and  he  exclaimed, 
loud  enough  to  be  heard  by  all  on  deck,  "  Surely  you 
wouldn't  charge  a  man  for  what  he  has  not  enjoyed  ! " 
A  voyage  is  to  many  people  like  taking  an  emetic 
— they  look  at  the  medicine  and  wish  it  well  over, 
and  look  at  the  sea  and  wish  themselves  well  over. 
Everything  looked  bright  and  gay  at  Dover — the  cliff 
seemed  whiter  than  ever — the  sailors  had  on  clean 
trousers,  and  the  few  people  that  appeared  in  the 
streets  were  dressed  in  their  Sunday  best.  The  cart- 
horses were  seen  feeding  leisurely  on  the  hills,  and 
there  was  a  placid  calmness  about  everything  on 
shore,  which  the  travellers  would  fain  have  extended 
to  the  sea.  They  came  slowly  and  solemnly  upon 
deck,  muffled  up  in  cloaks  and  coats,  some  with  their 
passage-money  in  their  hands,  and  took  their  places 
apparently  with  the  full  expectation  of  being  sick. 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  149 

The  French  packet-boat  first  gave  symptoms  of 
animation,  in  the  shape  of  a  few  vigorous  puffs  from 
the  boiler,  which  were  responded  to  by  the  Royal 
George,  whose  rope  was  slipped  without  the  usual 
tinkle  of  the  bell,  and  she  shot  out  to  sea,  closely 
followed  by  the  Frenchman,  who  was  succeeded  by 
the  other  English  boat.  Three  or  four«tremendous 
long  protracted  dives,  each  followed  by  a  majestic 
rise  on  the  bosom  of  the  waves,  denoted  the  crossing 
of  the  bar ;  and  just  as  the  creaking  of  the  cordage, 
the  flapping  of  the  sails,  and  the  nervous  quivering 
of  the  paddles,  as  they  lost  their  hold  of  the  water, 
were  in  full  vigour,  the  mate  crossed  the  deck  with  a 
large  white  basin  in  his  hand,  the  sight  of  which 
turned  the  stomachs  of  half  the  passengers.  Who 
shall  describe  the  misery  that  ensued  ?  The  groans 
and  moans  of  the  sufferers  increasing  every  minute, 
as  the  vessel  heaved  and  dived,  and  rolled  and 
creaked,  while  hand-basins  multiplied  as  half-sick 
passengers  caught  the  green  countenance  and  fixed 
eye  of  some  prostrate  sufferer,  and  were  overcome 
themselves. 

Mr.  Jorrocks,  what  with  his  Margate  trips,  and  a 
most  substantial  breakfast  of  beef-steaks  and  porter, 
tea,  eggs,  muffins,  prawns,  and  fried  ham,  held  out 
as  long  as  anybody — indeed,  at  one  time  the  odds 
were  that  he  would  not  be  sick  at  all ;  and  he  kept 
walking  up  and  down  deck  like  a  true  British  tar. 
In  one  of  his  turns  he  was  observed  to  make  a  full 
stop. — Immediately  before  the  boiler,  his  eye  caught 
a  cadaverous-looking  countenance  that  rose  between 
the  top  of  a  blue  camlet  cloak  and  the  bottom  of  a 
green  travelling-cap,  with  a  large  patent-leather  peak ; 
he  was  certain  that  he  knew  it,  and,  somehow  or 
other,  he  thought  not  favourably.  The  passenger 
was  in  that  happy  mood  just  debating  whether  he 
should  hold  out  against  sickness  any  longer  or  resign 
himself  unreservedly  to  its  horrors,  when  Mr.  Jorrocks's 


I50   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

eye  encountered  his,  and  the  meeting  did  not  appear 
to  contribute  to  his  happiness.  Mr.  Jorrocks  paused 
and  looked  at  him  steadily  for  some  seconds,  during 
which  time  his  thoughts  made  a  rapid  cast  over  his 
memory.  "  Sergeant  Bumptious,  by  gum  !  "  exclaimed 
he,  giving  his  thigh  a  hearty  slap,  as  the  deeply- 
indented  pockmarks  on  the  learned  gentleman's  face 
betrayed  his  identity.  "  Sergeant,"  said  he,  going  up 
to  him,  "  I'm  werry  'appy  to  see  ye — maybe  in  the 
course  of  your  practice  at  Croydon,  you've  heard 
that  there  are  more  times  than  one  to  catch  a  thief." 
"  Who  are  you?"  inquired  the  sergeant  with  a  growl, 
just  at  which  moment  the  boat  gave  a  roll,  and  he 
wound  up  the  inquiry  by  a  donation  to  the  fishes. 
"  Who  am  I  ? "  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks  as  soon  as  he 
was  done,  "  I'll  soon  tell  ye  that — I'm  Mr.  Jorrocks  ! 
— Jorrocks  wersus  Cheetum,  in  fact — and  now  that 
you  have  got  your  bullying  toggery  off,  I'll  be  'appy 
to  fight  ye  either  by  land  or  sea." 

"  Oh-h-h-h  !  "  groaned  the  sergeant  at  the  mention 
of  the  latter  word,  and  thereupon  he  put  his  head 
over  the  boat  and  paid  his  second  subscription.  Mr. 
Jorrocks  stood  eyeing  him,  and  when  the  sergeant 
recovered,  he  observed  with  apparent  mildness  and 
compassion,  "  Now,  my  dear  sergeant,  to  show  ye 
that  I  can  return  good  for  evil,  allow  me  to  f^tch  you 
a  nice  'ot  mutton-chop  !  "  "  Oh-h-h-h-h  I "  groaned 
the  sergeant,  as  though  he  would  die.  "  Or  perhaps 
you'd  prefer  a  cut  of  boiled  beef  with  yellow  fat,  and 
a  dab  of  cal)bage  ? "  an  alternative  which  was  too 
powerful  for  the  worthy  citizen  himself — for,  like 
Sterne  with  his  captive,  he  had  drawn  a  picture  that 
his  own  imagination  could  not  sustain — and,  in  at- 
tempting to  reach  the  side  of  the  boat,  he  cascaded 
over  the  sergeant,  and  they  rolled  over  each  other, 
senseless  and  helpless,  upon  deck. 

**  Mew,  mew,"  screamed  the  sea-gulls  ; — "  creak, 
creak,"  went   the  cordage ; — "  flop,  flop,"  went   the 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  151 

sails ;  round  went  the  white  basins,  and  the  steward 
with  the  mop ;  and  few  passengers  would  have  cared 
to  have  gone  overboard,  when  at   the  end  of  three 
hours'  misery,  the  captain  proclaimed  that  they  were 
running  into  still  water  off  Boulogne.     This  intimation 
was  followed  by  the  collection  of  the  passage-money 
by  the  mate,  and  the   jingling   of  a  tin  box  by  the 
steward,  under  the  noses  of  the  party,  for  perquisites 
for  the  crew.     Jorrocks  and  the  sergeant  lay  together 
like  babes  in  the  wood   until   they  were  roused  by 
this    operation,  when,   with   a   parting   growl   at   his 
companion,  Mr.  Jorrocks  got  up ;  and  though  he  had 
an  idea  in  his  own  mind  that  a  man  had  better  live 
abroad  all  his  life  than  encounter  such  misery  as  he 
had    undergone,    for    the    purpose    of    returning   to 
England,    he   recollected    his    intended   work    upon 
France,  and  began   to   make   his  observations  upon 
the  town  of  Boulogne,  towards  which  the  vessel  was 
rapidly  steaming.     "Not   half  so  fine   as  Margate," 
said  he  ;  "  the  houses  seem  all  afraid  of  the  sea,  and 
turn  their  ends  to  it  instead  of  fronting  it,  except  yon 
great  white  place  which    I    suppose   is   the  baths ; " 
and,  taking  his  hunting  telescope  out  of  his  pocket, 
he  stuck  out  his  legs  and   prepared  to  make  an  ob- 
servation.    "  How  the  people  are  swarming  down  to 
see  us  ! "  he  exclaimed.     "  I  see!such  a  load  of  petti- 
coats— glad  Mrs.  J.  an't  with  us ;  may  have  some  fun 
here,  I   guess.     Dear   me,    wot   lovely  women  !  wot 
ankles  !  beat  the  English,  hollow — would  give  some- 
thing to  be  a  single  man  ! "     While  he  made  these 
remarks,  the  boat  ran  up  the  harbour  in  good  style, 
to    the   evident   gratification   of  the    multitude   who 
lined  the  pier  from  end  to  end,  and  followed  her  in 
her  passage.     ''■Ease  her!  stop  her!'''   at   last   cried 
the  Captain,  as  she  got  opposite  a  low  wooden  guard- 
house, midway  down   the   port.     A   few   strokes   of 
the  paddles  sent  her   up   to   the   quay,  some  ropes 
were  run  from  each  end  of  the  guard-house  down  to 


152   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  boat,  within  which  space  no  one  was  admitted 
except  about  a  dozen  soldiers  or  custom-house  officers 
— in  green  coats,  white  trousers,  black  sugar-loaf 
"  caps,"  and  having  swords  l)y  their  sides — and  some 
thick-legged  fisherwomen,  with  long  gold  ear-rings, 
to  lower  the  ladder  for  disembarkation.  The  idlers, 
that  is  to  say,  all  the  inhabitants  of  Boulogne,  range 
themselves  outside  the  ropes,  on  foot,  horseback,  in 
carriages,  or  anyhow,  to  take  the  chance  of  seeing 
someone  they  know,  to  laugh  at  the  melancholy  looks 
of  those  who  have  been  sick,  and  to  criticize  the 
company,  who  are  turned  into  the  guarded  space  like 
a  flock  of  sheep  before  them. 

Mr.  Jorrocks,  having  scaled  the  ladder,  gave  himself 
a  hearty  and  congratulatory  shake  on  again  finding  him- 
self on  terra  firtna,  and,  sticking  his  hat  jauntily  on  one 
side,  as  though  he  didn't  know  what  sea-sickness  was, 
proceeded  to  run  his  eye  along  the  spectators  on  one 
side  of  the  ropes ;  when  presently  he  was  heard  to 
exclaim,  "  My  vig,  there's  Thompson  !  He  owes  us  a 
hundred  pounds,  and  has  been  doing  these  three 
years."  And  thereupon  he  bolted  up  to  a  fine-looking 
young  fellow — with  mustachios,  in  a  hussar  foraging- 
cap  stuck  on  one  side  of  his  head,  dressed  in  a  black 
velvet  shooting-jacket,  and  with  half  a  jeweller's  shop 
about  him  in  the  way  of  chains,  brooches,  rings, 
and  buttons — who  had  brought  a  good-looking  bay- 
horse  to  bear  with  his  chest  against  the  cords. 
"  Thompson,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  in  a  firm  tone  of 
voice,  "  how  are  you  ? "  "  How  do  ye  do.  Mister 
Jorrocks,"  drawled  out  the  latter,  taking  a  cigar  from 
his  mouth,  and  puffing  a  cloud  of  smoke  over  the 
grocer's  head.  "  Well,  I'm  werry  well,  but  I  should 
like  to  have  a  few  moments'  conversation  with  you." 
"  Would  ye  ?  "  said  Thompson,  blowing  another  cloud. 
"  Yes,  I  would ;  you  remember  that  'ere  little  bill  you 
got  .Simpkins  to  discount  for  you  one  day  when  I  was 
absent ;  we  have  had  it  by  us  a  long  time  now,  and 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  153 

it  is  about  time  you  were  taking  it  up."  "You 
think  so,  do  you,  Mister  Jorrocks ;  can't  you  renew 
it?  I'll  give  you  a  draft  on  Aldgate  pump  for  the 
amount."  ''Come,  none  of  your  funning  with  me, 
I've  had  enough  of  your  nonsense;  give  me  my 
pewter,  or  I'll  have  that  horse  from  under  you ;  for 
though  it  has  got  the  hair  rubbed  off  its  near  knee, 
it  will  do  werry  well  to  carry  me  with  the  Surrey 
occasionally."  "You  old  fool,"  said  Thompson, 
"  you  forget  where  you  are ;  if  I  could  pay  your  little 
bill,  do  you  suppose  I  would  be  here?  You  can't 
squeeze  blood  out  of  a  turnip,  can  ye  ?  But  I'll  tell 
you  what,  my  covey,  if  I  can't  give  you  satisfaction  in 
money,  you  shall  give  me  the  satisfaction  of  a  gentle- 
man if  you  don't  take  care  what  you  are  about,  you 
old  tinker.  By  Jove,  I'll  order  pistols  and  coffee  for 
two  to-morrow  morning  at  Napoleon's  column,  and 
let  the  daylight  through  your  carcass,  if  you  utter 
another  syllable  about  the  bill.  Why,  now,  you 
stare  as  Balaam  did  at  his  ass,  when  he  found  it 
capable  of  holding  an  argument  with  him." 

And,  true  enough,  Jorrocks  was  dumbfoundered  at 
this  sort  of  reply  from  a  creditor,  it  not  being  at  all 
in  accordance  with  the  "  Lex  mercatoria,"  or  law  of 
merchants,  and  quite  unknown  on  'Change.  Before, 
however,  he  had  time  to  recover  his  surprise,  all  the 
passengers  having  entered  the  roped  area,  one  of  the 
green-coated  gentry  gave  him  a  polite  twist  by  the 
coat-tail,  and  with  a  wave  of  the  hand  and  bend 
of  his  body,  beckoned  him  to  proceed  with  the 
crowd  into  the  guard-house.  After  passing  an  outer 
room,  they  entered  the  bureau  by  a  door  in  the  middle 
of  a  wooden  partition,  where  two  men  were  sitting 
with  pens  ready  to  enter  the  names  of  the  arrivers  in 
ledgers. 

"  Votre  nom  et  designation  ?  "  said  one  of  them  to 
Mr.  Jorrocks — who,  with  a  bad  start,  had  managed 
to  squeeze  in  first — to  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  shook  his 


154   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

head.  "  Sare,  what's  your  name,  sare  ?  "  inquired  the 
same  personage.  "Jorrocks,"  was  the  answer, 
delivered  with  great  emphasis,  and  thereupon  the 
secretary  wrote  "  Shorrock." — "  Monsieur  Shorrock," 
said  he,  looking  up,  "  votre  profession.  Monsieur  ? 
Vot  you  are,  sir  ?  "  "A  grocer,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
which  caused  a  titter  from  those  behind  who  meant 
to  sink  the  shop.  "  Marchand-Epicier,"  wrote  the 
bureau-keeper.  "Quel  age  avez-vous,  Monsieur? 
How  old  you  are,  sare?"  "Two  pound  twelve," 
replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  surprised  at  his  inquisitiveness. 
"  No,  sare,  not  vot  monnay  you  have,  sare,  bot  how 
old  you  are,  sare  ?  "  "  Well,  two  pound  twelve,  fifty- 
two  in  fact."  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  then  passed  out,  to 
take  his  chance  among  the  touts  and  commissionnaires 
of  the  various  hotels,  who  are  enough  to  pull 
passengers  to  pieces  in  their  solicitations  for  custom. 
In  Boulogne,  however,  no  man  with  money  is  ever 
short  of  friends ;  and  Thompson  having  given  the 
hint  to  two  or  three  acquaintances  as  he  rode  up 
street,  there  were  no  end  of  broken-down  sportsmen, 
levanters,  and  gentlemen  who  live  on  the  interest  of 
what  they  owe  other  people,  waiting  to  receive  Mr. 
Jorrocks.  The  greetings  on  their  parts  were  most 
cordial  and  enthusiastic,  and  even  some  who  were  in 
his  books  did  not  hesitate  to  hail  him ;  the  majority 
of  the  party,  however,  was  composed  of  those  with 
whom  he  had  at  various  times  and  places  enjoyed 
the  sports  of  the  field,  but  whom  he  had  never  missed 
until  they  met  at  Boulogne. 

Their  inquiries  were  business-like  and  familiar ! — 
"  How  are  ye,  Jorrocks  ?  "  cried  one,  holding  out  both 
hands  ;  "  How  are  ye,  my  lad  of  wax  ?  Do  you  still 
play  billiards? — Give  you  nine,  and  play  you  for  a 
Nap."  "  Come  to  my  house  this  evening,  old  boy, 
and  take  a  hand  at  whist  for  old  acquaintance'  sake," 
urged  the  friend  on  his  left ;  "  got  some  rare  cognac, 
and  a  box  of  beautiful  Havannahs."     "  No,  Jorrocks, 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  155 

— dine  with  me,"  said  a  third,  "and  play  chicken- 
hazard,"  " Don't"  said  a  fourth,  confidentially,  " he'll 
fleece  ye  like  fun."  "  Let  me  put  your  name  down  to 
our  Pigeon  Club ;  only  a  guinea  entrance  and  a 
guinea  subscription — nothing  to  a  rich  man  like  you." 
"  Have  you  any  coin  to  lend  on  unexceptionable 
personal  security,  with  a  power  of  killing  and  selling 
your  man  if  he  don't  pay  ?  "  inquired  another.  "Are 
they  going  to  abolish  the  law  of  arrest  ?  'twould  be 
very  convenient  if  they  did."  "  Will  you  discount 
me  a  bill  at  three  months  ? "  "  Is  B —  out  of  the 
Bench  yet  ?  "  "  Who  do  they  call  Nodding  Homer 
in  your  hunt  ?  "  "  O  gentlemen,  gentlemen  ! "  cried 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  go  it  gently,  go  it  gently  !  Consider 
the  day  is  'ot,  I'm  almost  out  of  breath,  and  faint  for 
want  of  food.  I've  come  all  the  way  from  Angletear, 
as  we  say  in  France,  and  lost  my  breakfast  on  the 
woyage.  Where  is  there  an  inn  where  I  can  recruit 
my  famished  frame  ?  What's  this  ?  "  looking  up  at  a 
sign,  " '■  Done  a  boar  i?i  a  man^er^  what  does  this 
mean  ? — where's  my  French  dictionary  ?  I've  heard 
that  boar  is  very  good  to  eat."  "  Yes,  but  this  boar 
is  to  drink,"  said  a  friend  on  the  right;  "but  you 
must  not  put  up  at  a  house  of  that  sort ;  come  to  the 
Hotel  d'Orleans,  where  all  the  best  fellows  and  men 
of  consequence  go,  a  celebrated  house  in  the  days  of 
the  Boulogne  Hunt.  Ah,  that  was  the  time,  Mr. 
Jorrocks !  we  lived  like  fighting-cocks  then ;  you 
should  have  been  among  us,  such  a  rollicking  set  of 
dogs  !  could  hunt  all  day,  race  maggots  and  drink 
claret  all  night,  and  take  an  occasional  by-day  with 
the  hounds  on  a  Sunday.  Can't  do  that  with  the 
Surrey,  I  guess.  There's  the  Hotel  d'Orleans," 
pointing  to  it  as  they  turned  the  corner  of  the  street ; 
"splendid  house  it  is.  I've  no  interest  in  taking  you 
there,  don't  suppose  so  ;  but  the  sun  of  its  greatness 
is  fast  setting — there's  no  such  shaking  of  elbows  as 
there  used  to  be — the  I  O  U  system  knocked  that  up. 


156   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Still,  you'll  be  very  comfortable ;  a  bit  of  carpet  by 
your  bedside,  curtains  to  your  windows,  a  pie-dish  to 
wash  in,  a  clean  towel  ever>'  third  day,  and  as  many 
friends  to  dine  with  you  as  ever  you  like — no  want  of 
company  in  Boulogne,  I  assure  you.  Here,  Mr.  W.," 
addressing  the  innkeeper  who  appeared  at  the  door, 
"this  is  the  very  celebrated  Mr.  Jorrocks,  of  whom 
■we  have  all  heard  so  much, — take  him  and  use  him 
as  you  would  your  own  son ;  and,  hark  ye  (aside), 
dorit  forgot  I  brought  him." 

"Garj<?<?«,"  said  Jorrocks,  after  having  composed 
himself  a  little,  during  which  time  he  was  also  com- 
posing a  French  speech  from  his  dictionary  and 
Madame  de  Genlis's  1  Manuel  dii  Voyageur ;  "  A 
•che  hora  [ora]  si  pranza  ?  "  looking  at  the  waiter,  who 
seemed  astonished.  "Oh,  stop!"  said  he,  looking 
again,  "that's  Italian — I've  got  hold  of  the  wrong 
■column.  'A  quelle  heure  dine' — hang  me  if  I  know 
how  to  call  this  chap  —  dine  [spelling  it],  t'on  ? " 
^' What  were  you  wishing  to  say,  sir?"  inquired  the 
"waiter,  interrupting  his  display  of  the  language,  "  Wot, 
do  you  speak  English  ? "  asked  Jorrocks  in  amaze- 
ment. "I  hope  so,  sir,"  replied  the  man,  "for  I'm 
an  Englishman."  "Then,  why  the  devil  did  you  not 
say  so,  you  great  lout,  instead  of  putting  me  into  a 
sweat  this  'ot  day  by  speaking  French  to  you  ? " 
^' Beg  pardon,  sir,  thought  _)■<?«  were  a  Frenchman." 
"  Did  you,  indeed  ?  "  said  Jorrocks,  delighted  ;  "  then, 
by  Jove,  I  do  speak  French  !  Somehow  or  other  I 
thought  I  could,  as  I  came  over.  Bring  me  a 
thundering  beaf-steak,  and  a  pint  of  stout,  directly  ! " 
The  Hotel  d'Orleans  being  a  regular  roast-beef  and 

^  For  the  benefit  of  our  "  tarn'-at-home  "  readers,  we  should 
premise  that  Madame  de  Genlis's  work  is  arranged  for  the 
convenience  of  travellers  who  do  not  speak  any  language  but 
their  own  ;  and  it  consists  of  dialogues  on  different  necessary 
subjects,  with  French  and  Italian  translations  opposite  the 
English. 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  157 

plum-pudding  sort  of  house,  Mr.  Jorrocks  speedily- 
had  an  immense  strip  of  tough  beef  and  boiled 
potatoes  placed  before  him,  in  the  well-windowed 
"  Salle  a  manger"  ;  and  the  day  being  fine,  he  regaled 
himself  at  a  table  at  an  open  window,  whereby  he 
saw  the  smart  passers-by,  and  let  them  view  him  in 
return. 

Sunday  is  a  gay  day  in  France,  and  Boulogne  equals 
the  best  town  in  smartness.  The  shops  are  better  set 
out,  the  women  are  better  dressed,  and  there  is  a 
holiday  brightness  and  air  of  pleasure  on  every 
countenance.  Then  instead  of  seeing  a  sulky  husband 
trudging  behind  a  pouting  wife  with  a  child  in  her 
arms,  an  infallible  sign  of  a  Sunday  evening  in 
England,  they  trip  away  to  the  rural  fete  champetre, 
where  with  dancing,  lemonade,  and  love,  they  pass, 
away  the  night  in  temperate  if  not  innocent  hilarity. 
"  Happy  people  !  that  once  a  week  at  least,  lay  down 
their  cares,  and  dance  and  sing,  and  sport  away  the 
weights  of  grievance,  which  bow  down  the  spirit  of 
other  nations  to  the  earth." 

The  voyage,  though  short,  commenced  a  new  era 
in  Mr.  Jorrocks's  life,  and  he  entirely  forgot  all  about 
Sunday  and  Dover  dulness  the  moment  he  set  foot 
on  sprightly  France,  and  he  no  more  recollected  it 
was  Sunday,  than  if  such  a  day  had  ceased  to  exist  in 
the  calendar.  Having  bolted  his  steak,  he  gave  his- 
Hessians  their  usual  flop  with  his  handkerchief,  combed 
his  whiskers,  pulled  his  wig  straight,  and  sallied  forth, 
dictionar)-  in  hand,  to  translate  the  signs,  admire  the 
clever  little  children  talking  French,  quiz  the  horses, 
and  laugh  at  everything  he  didn't  understand;  to 
spend  his  first  afternoon,  in  short,  as  nine-tenths  of 
the  English  who  "  go  abroad "  are  in  the  habit  of 
doing. 

Early  the  next  morning,  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  the 
Yorkshireman,  accompanied  by  the  commissionnaire 
of  the  Hotel  d'Orleans,  repaired  to  the  upper  town,  for 


158   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  purpose  of  obtaining  passports,  and  as  they 
ascended  the  steep  street  called  La  Grande  Rue, 
vwhich  connects  the  two  towns,  they  held  a  consulta- 
tion as  to  what  the  former  should  be  described.  A 
"  Marchand  Epicier"  would  obtain  Mr.  Jorrocks  no 
respect,  but,  then,  he  objected  to  the  word  "  Rentier." 
"What  is  the  French  for  fox-'unter?"  said  he,  after 
a  thoughtful  pause,  turning  to  his  dictionary.  There 
was  no  such  word.  "Sportsman,  then?  Aye, 
Chasseur !  How  would  that  read  ?  John  Jorrocks, 
Esq.,  Chasseur, — r\oX.  bad,  I  think,"  said  he.  "That 
will  do,"  replied  the  Yorkshireman,  "but  you  must 
sink  the  Esquire  now,  and  tack  '  Monsieur '  before 
your  name,  and  a  very  pretty,  euphonious  sound 
'  Monsieur  Jorrocks  '  will  have ;  and  when  you  hear 
some  of  the  little  Parisian  grisettes  lisp  it  out  as  you 
turn  the  garters  over  on  their  counters,  while  they 
turn  their  dark  flashing  eyes  over  upon  you,  it  will  be 
enough  to  rejuvenate  your  old  frame.  But  suppose  we 
add  to  '  Chasseur ' — '  Member  of  the  Surrey  Hunt '  ?  " 
"  By  all  means,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  delighted  at 
the  idea,  and  ascending  the  stairs  of  the  Consulate 
three  steps  at  a  time. 

The  Consul,  Mons.  De  Horter,  was  in  attendance, 
sitting  in  state,  with  a  gendarme  at  the  door  and  his 
secretary  at  his  elbow.  "  Bon  jour.  Monsieur,"  said 
he,  bowing,  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  passed  through  the  lofty 
folding-door ;  to  which  our  traveller  replied,  "  The 
top  of  the  morning  to  you,  sir,"  thinking  something 
of  that  sort  would  be  right.  The  Consul,  having 
scanned  him  through  his  green  spectacles,  drew  a 
large  sheet  of  thin  printed  paper  from  his  portfolio, 
with  the  arms  of  France  placed  under  a  great  petticoat 
at  the  top,  and  proceeded  to  fill  up  a  request  from 
His  Most  Christian  Majesty  to  all  the  authorities, 
both  civil  and  military,  of  France,  and  also  of  all  the 
allied  "pays,"  "de  laisser  librement  passer,"  Monsieur 
John  Jorrocks,  Chasseur  and  member  of  the  Hont  de 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  159 

Surrey,  and  plusieurs  other  Hants  \  and  also,  Monsieur 
Stubbs,  native  of  Anglcterre,  going  from  IJoulogne  to 
Paris,  and  to  give  them  aid  and  protection,  "  en  cas 
de  besoin,"  all  of  which  Mr.  Jorrocks — like  many 
travellers  before  him — construed  into  a  most  flatter- 
ing compliment  and  mark  of  respect,  from  His  Most 
Christian  Majesty  to  himself. 

Under  the  word  "  signalement "  in  the  margin,  the 
Consul  also  drew  the  following  sketch  of  our  hero,  in 
order,  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  supposed,  that  the  King  of  the 
Mouncheers  might  know  him  when  he  saw  him. 

"Age  de  52  ans 
Taille  d"un  metre  62  centimetres 
Perruque  brun 
Front  large 
Yeux  gris-sanguin 
Nez  moyen 
Barbe  grisatre 
Visage  ronde 
Teint  rouge." 

He  then  handed  it  over  to  Mr.  Jorrocks  for  his 
signature,  who,  observing  the  words,  "  Signature  du 
Porteur  "  at  the  bottom,  passed  it  on  to  the  porter  of 
the  inn,  until  put  right  by  the  Consul,  who,  on  receiv- 
ing his  fee,  bowed  him  out  with  great  politeness. 

Great  as  had  been  the  grocer's  astonishment  at  the 
horses  and  carts  that  he  had  seen  stirring  about  the 
streets,  his  amazement  knew  no  bounds  when  the 
first  Paris  diligence  came  rolling  into  town  with  six 
horses,  spreading  over  the  streets  as  they  swung  about 
in  all  directions — covered  with  bells,  sheep-skins, 
worsted  balls,  and  foxes'  brushes,  driven  by  one 
solitary  postilion  on  the  off-wheeler.  "  My  vig," 
cried  he,  "  here's  Wombwell's  wild-beast  show  !  What 
the  deuce  are  they  doing  in  France  ?  I've  not  heard 
of  them  since  last  Bartlemy  fair,  when  I  took  my 
brother  Joe's  children  to  see  them  fed.  But  stop — 
this  is  full  of  men  !     My  eyes,  so   it  is.     It's  what 


i6o  JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

young  Dutch  Sam  would  call  a  male  coach,  because 
there  are  no  females  about  it.  Well,  I  declare,  I  am 
almost  sorry  I  did  not  bring  Mrs.  J.  Wot  would  they 
think  to  see  such  a  concern  in  Cheapside  ?  Why,  it 
holds  half  a  township — a  perfect  willage  on  wheels. 
My  eyes,  wot  a  curiosity  !  Well,  I  never  thought  to 
live  to  see  such  a  sight  as  this  ! — wish  it  was  going 
our  way  that  I  might  have  a  ride  in  it.  Hope  ours 
will  be  as  big."  Shortly  after  theirs  did  arrive,  and 
Mr.  Jorrocks  was  like  a  perfect  child  with  delight.  It 
was  not  a  7nale  coach,  however,  for  in  the  different 
compartments  were  five  or  six  ladies.  "Oh,  wot 
elegant  creatures,"  cried  he,  eyeing  them  ;  "  I  could 
ride  to  Jerusalem  with  them  without  being  tired ;  wot 
a  thing  it  is  to  be  a  bachelor  ! " 

The  conducteur — with  the  usual  frogged,  tagged, 
embroidered  jacket,  and  fur-bound  cap— having 
hoisted  their  luggage  on  high,  the  passengers  who  had 
turned  out  of  their  respective  compartments  to  stretch 
their  legs  after  their  cramping  from  Calais,  proceeded 
to  resume  their  places.  There  were  only  two  seats 
vacant  in  the  interior,  or,  as  Mr,  Jorrocks  called  it, 
the  "  middle  house,"  consequently  the  Yorkshireman 
and  he  crossed  legs.  The  other  four  passengers  had 
corner  seats,  things  much  coveted  by  French  travellers. 
On  Mr.  Stubbs's  right  sat  an  immense  Englishman, 
enveloped  in  a  dark  blue  camlet  cloak,  fastened  with 
bronze  lion-head  clasps,  a  red  neckcloth,  and  a  shabby, 
napless,  broad-brimmed,  brown  hat.  His  face  was 
large,  round,  and  red,  without  an  atom  of  expression, 
and  his  little  pig  eyes  twinkled  over  a  sort  of  a  mark 
that  denoted  where  his  nose  should  have  been  ;  in 
short,  his  head  was  more  like  a  barber's  wig-block 
than  anything  else,  and  his  outline  would  have  formed 
a  model  of  the  dome  of  St.  Paul's.  On  the  York- 
shireman's  left  was  a  chattering  young  red-trousered 
dragoon,  in  a  frock-coat  and  flat  foraging  cap  with  a 
flying  tassel.     Mr.  Jorrocks  was  more  fortunate  than 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  i6i 

his  friend,  and  rubbed  sides  with  two  women ;  one 
was  English,  either  an  upper  nursery-maid  or  an 
under-governess,  but  who  might  be  safely  trusted  to 
travel  by  herself.  She  was  dressed  in  a  black  beaver 
bonnet  lined  with  scarlet  silk,  a  nankeen  pelisse  with 
a  blue  ribbon,  and  pea-green  boots,  and  she  carried  a 
sort  of  small  fish-basket  on  her  knee,  with  a  '■^ plain 
Christian's  prayer-book  "  on  the  top.  The  other  was 
French,  approaching  to  middle  age,  with  a  nice  smart 
plump  figure,  good  hazel-coloured  eyes,  a  beautiful 
foot  and  ankle,  and  very  well  dressed.  Indeed,  her 
dress  very  materially  reduced  the  appearance  of  her 
age,  and  she  was  what  the  milliners  would  call  re- 
markably well  "got  up."  Her  bonnet  was  a  pink 
satin,  with  a  white  blonde  ruche  surmounted  by  a  rich 
blonde  veil,  with  a  white  rose  placed  elegantly  on  one 
side,  and  her  glossy  auburn  hair  pressed  down  the 
sides  of  a  milk-white  forehead,  in  the  Madonna  style. 
Her  pelisse  was  of  "  violet-des-bois  "  figured  silk,  worn 
with  a  black  velvet  pelerine  and  a  handsomely- 
embroidered  collar.  Her  boots  were  of  a  colour  to 
match  the  pelisse ;  and  a  massive  gold  chain  round 
her  neck,  and  a  solitary  pearl  ring  on  a  middle  finger, 
were  all  the  jewellery  she  displayed.  Mr.  Jorrocks 
caught  a  glimpse  of  her  foot  and  ankle  as  she  mounted 
the  steps  to  resume  her  place  in  the  diligence ;  and, 
pushing  the  Yorkshireman  aside,  he  bundled  in 
directly  after  her,  and  took  up  the  place  we  have 
described. 

The  vehicle  was  soon  in  motion,  and  its  ponderous 
roll  enchanted  the  heart  of  the  grocer.  Independ- 
ently of  the  novelty,  he  was  in  a  humour  to  be 
pleased,  and  everything  with  him  was  couleur  de  rose. 
Not  so  the  Yorkshireman's  right-hand  neighbour,  who 
lounged  in  the  corner,  mufiied  up  in  his  cloak, 
muttering  and  cursing  at  every  jolt  of  the  diligence, 
as  it  bumped  across  the  gutters  and  jolted  along  the 
streets  of  Boulogne.  At  length,  having  got  off  the 
II 


i62   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

pavement,  after  crushing  along  at  a  trot  through  the 
soft  road  that  immediately  succeeds,  they  reached  the 
little  hill  near  Mr.  Gooseman's  farm,  and  the  horses 
gradually  relaxed  into  a  walk,  when  he  burst  forth 
with  a  tremendous  oath,  swearing  that  he  had 
"travelled  three  hundred  thousand  miles,  and  never 
saw  horses  walk  up  such  a  bit  of  a  bank  before."  He 
looked  round  the  diligence  in  the  expectation  of 
someone  joining  him,  but  no  one  deigned  a  reply,  so, 
with  a  growl  and  a  jerk  of  his  shoulders,  he  again 
threw  himself  into  his  corner.  The  dragoon  and  the 
French  lady  then  began  narrating  the  histories  of 
their  lives,  as  the  French  people  always  do,  and  Mr. 
Jorrocks  and  the  Yorkshireman  sat  looking  at  each 
other.  At  length  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pulling  his  dictionary 
and  Madame  de  Genlis  out  of  his  pocket,  observed, 
"  I  quite  forgot  to  ask  the  guard  at  what  time  we  dine 
— a  most  important  consideration,  for  I  hold  it  unfair 
to  take  one's  stomach  by  surprise,  and  a  man  should 
have  due  notice,  that  he  may  tune  his  appetite 
accordingly.  I  have  always  thought  that  there's  as 
much  dexterity  required  to  bring  an  appetite  to  table 
in  the  full  bloom  of  perfection,  as  there  is  in  training 
an  'oss  to  run  on  a  particular  day.  Let  me  see," 
added  he,  turning  over  the  pages  of  De  Genlis — "it 
will  be  under  the  head  of  eating  and  drinking,  I 
suppose. — Here  it  is — (opens  and  reads) — '  I  have  a 
good  appetite — I  am  hungry — I  am  werry  hungry — I 
am  almost  starved ' — that  won't  do — '  I  have  eaten 
enough' — that  won't  do  either — 'To  breakfast' — no. 
But  here  it  is,  by  Jingo — 'Dialogue  before  dinner' — 
capital  book  for  us  travellers,  this  Mrs.  de  Genlis — 
(reads)  '  Pray  take  dinner  with  us  to-day,  I  shall  give 
you  plain  fare.' — That  means  rough  and  enough,  I 
suppose,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  the  Yorkshireman. 
"  '  What  time  do  we  dine  to-day  ?  French  :  A  quelle 
heure  dinons-nous  aujourd'hui  ? — Italian  :  A  che  hora 
(ora)  si  prancey  (pranza)   oggi?'"     "Ah,  Monsieur, 


dmtA 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  163 

vous  parlez  Fran^Mis  h.  nierveille,"  said  the  French 
lady,  smiling  with  the  greatest  good  nature  upon  him. 
''A  viarble!''  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "wot  does  that 
mean?"  preparing  to  look  it  out  in  the  dictionary. 
"Ah,  Monsieur,  I  shall  you  explain — you  speak 
French  like  a  natif."  "  Indeed  ! "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
with  a  bow,  "  I  feel  werry  proud  of  your  praise ;  and 
your  English  is  quite  delightful.  By  Jove,"  said  he 
to  the  Yorkshireman,  with  a  most  self-satisfied  grin, 
"  you  were  right  in  what  you  told  me  about  the  gals 
calling  me  Monsieur.  I  declare  she's  driven  right 
home  to  my  'art — transfixed  me  at  once,  in  fact." 

Everyone  who  has  done  a  little  "voyaging,"  as 
they  call  it  in  France,  knows  that  a  few  miles  to  the 
south  of  Samer  rises  a  very  steep  hill,  across  which 
the  route  lies,  and  that  diligence  travellers  are 
generally  invited  to  walk  up  to  it.  A  path  which 
strikes  off  near  the  foot  of  the  hill,  across  the  open, 
cuts  off  the  angle,  and — diligences  being  anything 
but  what  the  name  would  imply — the  passengers,  by 
availing  themselves  of  the  short  cut,  have  ample  time 
for  striking  up  confabs,  and  inquiring  into  the 
comforts  of  the  occupiers  of  the  various  compart- 
ments. Our  friends  of  the  "interior"  were  all  busy 
jabbering  and  talking — some  with  their  tongues, 
others  with  their  hands  and  tongues — with  the 
exception  of  the  monster  in  the  cloak,  who  sat  like  a 
sack  in  the  corner,  until  the  horses,  having  reached 
the  well-known  breathing-place,  made  a  dead  halt, 
and  the  conducteur  proceeded  to  invite  the  party  to 
descend  and  "promenade"  up  the  hill.  "What's 
happened  now?"  cried  the  monster,  jumping  up  as 
the  door  opened;  "surely  they  don't  expect  us  to 
walk  up  this  mountain ;  Fve  travelled  three  hundred 
thousand  miles,  and  was  never  asked  to  do  such  a 
thing  in  all  my  life  before.  /  W07i't  do  it ;  I  paid  for 
riding,  and  ride  I  will.  You  are  all  a  set  of  infamous 
cheats,"  said   he   to   the   conducteur   in  good   plain 


i64   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

English ;  but  the  conducteur,  not  understanding  the 
language,  shut  the  door  as  soon  as  all  the  rest  were 
out,  and  let  him  roll  on  by  himself.  Jorrocks  stuck 
to  his  woman,  who  had  a  negro  boy  in  the  rotonde, 
dressed  in  baggy  slate-coloured  trousers,  with  a  green 
waistcoat  and  a  blue  coat,  with  a  coronet  on  the 
button,  who  came  to  hand  her  out,  and  was  addressed 
by  the  heroic  name  of  "  Agamemnon."  Jorrocks  got 
a  glimpse  of  the  button,  but,  not  understanding 
foreign  coronets,  thought  it  was  a  crest ;  nevertheless, 
he  thought  he  might  as  well  inquire  who  his  friend 
was,  so,  slinking  back  as  they  reached  the  foot  of  the 
hill,  he  got  hold  of  the  nigger,  and  asked  what  they 
called  his  missis.  Massa  did  not  understand,  and 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  sorely  puzzled  how  to  explain,  again 
had  recourse  to  the  Manual  dti  Voyageur;  but 
Madame  de  Genlis  had  not  anticipated  such  an 
occurrence,  and  there  was  no  dialogue  adapted  to  his 
situation.  There  was  a  conversation  with  a  lacquey, 
however,  commencing  with — "Are  you  disposed  to 
enter  into  my  service?"  and,  in  the  hopes  of  hitting 
upon  something  that  would  convey  his  wishes,  he 
"hark'd  forward,"  and  passing  by — "Are  you 
married?"  arrived  at — "What  is  your  wife's  occu- 
pation ?  "  "  Que  fait  votre  femme  ?  "  said  he,  suiting 
the  action  to  the  word,  and  pointing  to  Madame. 
Agamemnon  showed  his  ivories,  as  he  laughed  at  the 
idea  of  Jorrocks  calling  his  mistress  his  wife,  and  by 
signs  and  words  conveyed  to  him  some  idea  of  the 
importance  of  the  personage  to  whom  he  alluded. 
This  he  did  most  completely,  for  before  the  diligence 
came  up,  Jorrocks  pulled  the  Yorkshireman  aside, 
and  asked  if  he  was  aware  that  they  were  travelling 
with  a  real  live  Countess ;  "  Madame  la  Countess 
Benwolio,  the  nigger  informs  me,"  said  he;  "a  werry 
grande  femme,  though  what  that  means  I  don't  know." 
"Oh,  countesses  are  common  enough  here,"  replied 
the  Yorkshireman.     "I  daresay  she's  a   stay-maker. 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH     165 

I  remember  a  paint-maker  who  had  a  German  Baron 
for  a  colour-grinder  once."  "Oh,"  said  Jorrocks, 
"  you  are  jealous — you  always  try  to  run  down  my 
friettds:  but  that  won't  do,  I'm  wide  awake  to  your 
tricks  "  ;  so  saying,  he  shuffled  off,  and,  getting  hold 
of  the  Countess,  helped  Agamemnon  to  hoist  her  into 
the  diligence.  He  was  most  insinuating  for  the  next 
two  hours,  and  jabbered  about  love  and  fox-hunting, 
admiring  the  fine,  flat,  open  country,  and  the  absence 
of  hedges  and  flints ;  but  as  neither  youth  nor  age 
can  subsist  on  love  alone,  his  confounded  appetite 
began  to  trouble  him,  and  got  quite  the  better  of  him 
before  they  reached  Abbeville.  Every  mile  seemed  a 
league,  and  he  had  his  head  out  of  the  window  at 
least  twenty  times  before  they  came  in  sight  of  the 
town.  At  length  the  diligence  got  its  slow  length 
dragged  not  only  to  Abbeville,  but  to  the  sign  of 
the  "  Fidele  Berger," — or  "  Fiddle  Burgur,"  as  Mr. 
Jorrocks  pronounced  it — where  they  were  to  dine. 
The  door  being  opened,  out  he  jumped,  and  with  his 
MaTiual  dii  Voyageur  in  one  hand,  and  the  Countess 
Benee/olio  in  the  other,  he  pushed  his  way  through 
the  crowd  of  "  pauvres  miserables "  congregated 
under  the  gateway,  who  exhibited  every  species  of 
disease  and  infirmity  that  poor  human  nature  is 
liable  or  heir  to,  and  entered  the  hotel.  The  Sally 
Manger,  as  he  called  it,  was  a  long  brick-floored 
room  on  the  basement,  with  a  white  stove  at  one  end, 
and  the  walls  plentifully  decorated  with  a  panoramic 
view  of  the  Grand  Nation  walloping  the  Spaniards 
at  the  siege  of  Saragossa.  The  diligence  being  a 
leetle  behind  time  as  usual,  the  soup  was  on  the  table 
when  they  entered.  The  passengers  quickly  ranged 
themselves  round,  and,  with  his  mouth  watering  as 
the  female  gar(on  lifted  the  cover  from  the  tureen, 
Mr.  Jorrocks  sat  in  the  expectation  of  seeing  the  rich 
contents  ladled  into  the  plates.  His  countenance 
fell  fifty  per  cent,  as  the  first  spoonful  passed  before 


i66  JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

his  eyes, — "  My  vig,  why,  it's  water  ! "  exclaimed  he 
— "  water,  I  do  declare,  with  worms  ^  in  it — I  can't 
eat  such  stuff  as  that — it's  not  man's  meat — oh  dear, 
oh  dear,  I  fear  I've  made  a  terrible  mistake  in  coming 
to  France  !  Never  saw  such  stuff  as  this  at  Bleaden's 
or  Birch's,  or  anywhere  in  the  city."  "  I've  travelled 
three  hundred  thousand  miles,"  said  the  fat  man, 
sending  his  plate  from  him  in  disgust,  "and  never 
tasted  such  a  mess  as  this  before."  "  I'll  show  them 
up  in  BelPs  Life"  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks  ;  "  and,  look 
what  stuff  is  here — beef  boiled  to  rags  !  —  well,  I 
never,  no  never,  saw  anything  like  this  before.  Oh, 
I  wish  I  was  in  Great  Coram  Street  again  ! — I'm  sure 
I  can't  live  here — I  wonder  if  I  could  get  a  return 
chaise  —  waiter  —  gaxsoon — cuss  !  Oh  dear  !  I  see 
Madame  de  Genlis  is  of  no  use  in  a  pinch — and  yet 
what  a  dialogue  here  is  !  O  Heavens  !  grant  your 
poor  Jorrocks  but  one  request,  and  that  is  the 
contents  of  a  single  sentence.  "  I  want  a  roasted  or 
boiled  leg  of  mutton,  beef,  hung  beef,  a  quarter  of 
mutton,  mutton  chops,  veal  cutlets,  stuffed  tongue, 
dried  tongue,  hog's  pudding,  white  sausage,  meat 
sausage,  chicken  with  rice,  a  nice  fat  roast  fowl,  roast 
chicken  with  cressy,  roast  or  boiled  pigeon,  a 
fricassee  of  chicken,  sweetbread,  goose,  lamb,  calf's 
cheek,  calPs  head,  fresh  pork,  salt  pork,  cold  meat, 
hash.  —  But  where's  the  use  of  titivating  one's 
appetite  with  reading  of  such  luxteries  ?  Oh,  what 
a  wife  Madame  de  Genlis  would  have  made  for  me  ! 
Oh  dear,  oh  dear,  I  shall  die  of  hunger,  I  see — I 
shall  die  of  absolute  famine — my  stomach  thinks  my 
throat's  cut  already  ! "  In  the  height  of  his  distress 
in  came  two  turkeys  and  a  couple  of  fowls,  and  his 
countenance  shone  forth  like  an  April  sun  after  a 
shower.  "Come,  this  is  better,"  said  he;  "I'll 
trouble  you,  sir,  for  a  leg  and  a  wing,  and  a  bit  of 
the  breast,  for  I'm  really  famished — oh  hang  !  the 
*  Macaroni  soup. 


c: 
< 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  167 

fellow's  a  Frenchman,  and  I  shall  lose  half  the  day 
in  looking  it  out  in  my  dictionary.  Oh  dear,  oh 
dear,  where's  the  dinner  dialogue !  —  well,  here's 
something  to  the  purpose.  '  I  will  send  you  a  bit 
of  this  fowl.'  'A  little  bit  of  the  fowl  cannot  hurt 
you.' — No,  nor  a  great  bit  either. — 'Which  do  you 
like  best,  a  leg  or  a  wing  ? '  '  Qiiaimez-vous  k  mteux,  la 
cuisse  ou  Vaile  ? ' "  Here  the  Countess  Benvolio,  who 
had  been  playing  a  good  knife  and  fork  herself, 
pricked  up  her  ears,  and,  guessing  at  Jorrocks's  wants, 
interceded  with  her  countryman,  and  got  him  a 
plateful  of  fowl.  It  was  soon  disposed  of,  however, 
and  half  a  dish  of  hashed  hare  or  cat,  that  was  placed 
within  reach  of  him  shortly  after,  was  quickly 
transferred  into  his  plate.  A  French  dinner  is 
admirably  calculated  for  leading  the  appetite  on  by 
easy  stages  to  the  grand  consummation  of  satiety. 
It  begins  meagrely,  as  we  have  shown,  and  proceeds 
gradually  through  the  various  gradations  of  lights, 
savories,  solids,  and  substantial.  Presently  there 
was  a  large  dish  of  stewed  eels  put  on.  "What's 
that  ?  "  asked  Jorrocks  of  the  man.  "  Poisson,"  was 
the  reply.  ^'Poison/  why,  you  infidel,  have  you  no 
conscience?"  '■^ Fishe,^^  said  the  Countess.  "Oh, 
aye,  I  smell  —  eels  —  just  like  what  we  have  at  the 
Eel-pie  house  at  Twickenham — your  ladyship,  I  am 
thirsty — ge  soif,  in  fact."  "  Ah,  bon  ! "  said  the 
Countess,  laughing,  and  giving  him  a  tumbler  of  claret. 
"I've  travelled  three  hundred  thousand  miles,"  said 
the  fat  man,  "and  never  saw  claret  drunk  in  that  way 
before."  "  It's  not  werry  good,  I  think,"  said  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  smacking  his  lips ;  "  if  it  was  not  claret,  I 
would  sooner  drink  port."  Some  wild  ducks  and 
fricandeau  de  veau  which  followed  were  cut  up  and 
handed  round,  Jorrocks  helping  himself  plentifully  to 
both,  as  also  to  pommes  de  terre  d,  la  viditrc  d^ hotel, 
and  bread  at  discretion.  "Faith,  but  this  is  not  a 
bad  dinner  after  all's  said  and  done,  when  one  gets 


i68   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

fairly  into  it."  "  Fear  it  will  be  very  expensive,"  ^ 
observed  the  fat  man.  Just  when  Jorrocks  began 
to  think  he  had  satisfied  nature,  in  came  a  roast  leg 
of  mutton,  a  beef-steak,  "h,  la  G — d-dam,"^  and  a 
dish  of  larks  and  snipes.  "  Must  have  another 
tumbler  of  wine  before  I  can  grapple  with  these 
chaps,"  said  he,  eyeing  them,  and  looking  into 
Madame  de  Genlis's  book  :  "  '  Ga-vsoon,  donnez-moi  un 
verre  de  vin,' "  holding  up  the  book  and  pointing  to 
the  sentence.  He  again  set  to,  and  "  went  a  good 
one "  at  both  mutton  and  snipes,  but  on  pulling  up 
he  appeared  somewhat  exhausted.  He  had  not  got 
through  it  all  yet,  however.  Just  as  he  was  taking 
breath,  a  garfon  entered  with  some  custards  and  an 
enormous  omelette  soufflee,  whose  puffy  brown  sides 
bagged  over  the  tin  dish  that  contained  it.  "  There's 
a  tart ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "  Oh,  my  eyes,  what  a 
swell ! — Well,  I  suppose  I  must  have  a  shy  at  it. — 
*  In  for  a  penny,  in  for  a  pound ! '  as  we  say  at  the 
Lord  Mayor's  feed.  Know  I  shall  be  sick,  but, 
however,  here  goes,"  sending  his  plate  across  the 
table  to  the  gar(on  who  was  going  to  help  it.  The 
first  dive  of  the  spoon  undeceived  him  as  he  heard  it 
sound  at  the  bottom  of  the  dish.  "  Oh  lauk,  what  a 
go  !  All  puff,  by  Jove  ! — a  regular  humbug — a  balloon 
pudding,  in  short !  I  won't  eat  such  stuff — give  it  to 
Mouncheer  there,"  rejecting  the  offer  of  a  piece.  "  I 
like  the  solids ; — will  trouble  you  for  some  of  that 
cheese,  sir,  and  don't  let  it  taste  of  the  knife.  But 
what  do  they  mean  by  setting  the  dessert  on  before 
the  cloth  is  removed?  And  here  comes  tea  and 
coffee — may  as  well  have  some,  I  suppose  it  will  be 

^  The  Rochester  dinner  and  this  were  exactly  the  same  price. 

^  When  the  giraffe  mania  prevailed  in  Paris,  and  gloves, 
handkerchiefs,  gowns,  reticules,  etc.,  were  "  i  la  Giraffe,"  an 
Englishman  asked  a  waiter  if  they  had  any  beef-steaks  "  i  la 
Giraffe."  "No,  Monsieur,  but  we  have  them  i  la  G — d-dem," 
was  the  answer. 


THE  ROAD:  ENGLISH  AND  FRENCH  169 

all  the  same  price.  And  what's  this?"  eyeing  a  lot 
of  liqueur  glasses  full  of  eau  de  vie.  "  Chasse-cafd, 
Monsieur,"  said  the  gar{on.  "  Chasse  calf — chasse 
calf — what's  that  ?  Oh,  I  twig — what  we  call  '  shove 
in  the  mouth '  at  the  Free-and-easy.  Yes,  certainly, 
give  me  a  glass."  "You  shall  take  some  dessert," 
said  the  Countess,  handing  him  over  some  peaches 
and  biscuits.  "  Well,  I'll  try  my  hand  at  it,  if  it  will 
obkge  your  ladyship,  but  I  really  have  had  almost 
enough."  "And  some  abricot,"  said  she,  helping 
him  to  a  couple  of  fine  juicy  ones.  "  Oh,  thank  you, 
my  lady,  thank  you,  my  lady,  I'm  nearly  satisfied." 
"  Vous  ne  mangez  pas,"  said  she,  giving  him  half  a 
plate  of  grapes.  "  Oh,  my  lady,  you  don^t  understand 
me — I  can't  eat  any  more — I  am  regularly  high  and 
dry — chock  full — bursting,  in  fact."  Here  she  handed 
him  a  plate  of  sponge  cakes  mixed  with  bon-bons  and 
macaroons,  saying,  "Vous  etes  un  pauvre  mangeur — 
vous  ne  mangez  rien,  Monsieur."  "Oh,  dear,  she 
does  not  understand  me,  I  see. — Indeed,  my  lady, 
I  can  not  eat  any  more. — Ge  would-exQ.,  se  ge  could- 
era,  mais  ge  m«-ne-ra  pas!"  "Well,  now,  I've 
travelled  three  hundred  thousand  miles,  and  never 
heard  such  a  bit  of  French  as  that  before,"  said  the 
fat  man,"  chuckling. 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS 

A  S  the  grey  morning  mist  gradually  dispersed,  and 
■^^  daylight  began  to  penetrate  the  cloud  that 
dimmed  the  four  squares  of  glass  composing  the 
windows  of  the  diligence,  the  Yorkshireman,  half  asleep 
and  half  awake,  took  a  mental  survey  of  his  fellow- 
travellers.  Before  him  sat  his  worthy  friend,  snoring 
away  with  his  mouth  open,  and  his  head,  which  kept 
bobbing  over  on  the  shoulder  of  the  Countess,  en- 
veloped in  the  ample  folds  of  a  white  cotton  nightcap. 
She  too  was  asleep,  and,  disarmed  of  all  her  daylight 
arts,  dozed  away  in  tranquil  security.  Her  mouth  was 
also  open,  exhibiting  rather  a  moderate  set  of  teeth, 
and  her  Madonna  fro/i^  having  got  a  twist,  exposed  a 
mixture  of  brown  and  iron  grey  hairs  at  the  parting 
place.  Her  bonnet  swung  from  the  roof  of  the 
diligence,  and  its  place  was  supplied  by  a  handsome 
lace  cap,  fastened  under  her  chin  by  a  broad-hemmed 
cambric  handkerchief.  Presently  the  sun  rose,  and  a 
bright  ray  shooting  into  the  Countess's  corner,  awoke 
her  with  a  start,  and  after  a  hurried  glance  at  the 
passengers,  who  appeared  to  be  all  asleep,  she  drew 
a  small  ivory-cased  looking-glass  from  her  bag  and 
proceeded  to  examine  her  features.  Mr.  Jorrocks 
awoke  shortly  after,  and  with  an  awful  groan  exclaimed 
that  his  backbone  was  fairly  worn  out  with  sitting. 
"Oh  dear!"  said  he,  "my  behind  aches  as  if  I  had 
been  kicked  all  the  way  from  Holkley  Hole  to  Mary- 
lebone.  Are  we  near  Paris  ?  for  I'm  sure  I  can't  find 
seaf  any  longer,  indeed  I  can't.  I'd  rather  ride  two 
hundred  miles  in  nine  hours,  like  H'osbaldiston,  than 

170 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  171 

be  shut  up  in  this  woiture  another  hour.  It  really  is 
past  bearing,  and  that's  the  long  and  short  of  the 
matter."  This  exclamation  roused  all  the  party,  who 
began  yawning  and  rubbing  their  eyes,  and  looking  at 
their  watches.  The  windows  were  also  lowered  to 
take  in  fresh  air,  and,  on  looking  out,  they  found 
themselves  rolling  along  a  sandy  road,  lined  on  each 
side  with  apple  trees,  whose  branches  were  "groan- 
ing "  with  fruit.  They  breakfasted  at  Beaumont,  and 
had  a  regular  spread  of  fish,  beef-steak,  mutton-chops, 
a  large  joint  of  hot  roast  veal,  roast  chickens,  several 
yards  of  sour  bread,  grapes,  peaches,  pears,  and  plums 
with  vin  ordifiaire  and  coffee  au  lait ;  but  Mr.  Jorrocks 
was  off  his  feed,  and  stood  all  the  time  to  ease  his 
haunches. 

Towards  three  in  the  afternoon  they  caught  the 
first  glimpse  of  the  gilded  dome  of  the  Hospital 
of  Invalids,  which  was  a  signal  for  all  the  party  to 
brush  up  and  make 'themselves  agreeable.  Even  the 
three-hundred-thousand  miler  opened  out,  and  began 
telling  some  wonderful  anecdotes,  while  the  Countess 
and  Mr.  Jorrocks  carried  on  a  fierce  flirtation,  or 
whatever  else  they  pleased  to  call  it.  At  last,  after 
a  deal  of  jargon,  he  broke  off  by  appealing  to  the 
Yorkshireman  to  know  what  "inn"  they  should 
"  put  up  at "  at  Paris. 

"I  don't  know,  Pm  sure,"  said  he;  "it  depends 
a  good  deal  upon  how  you  mean  to  live.  As  you 
pay  my  shot,  it  does  not  do  for  beggars  to  be 
choosers ;  but  suppose  we  try  ISIeurice's  ? "  "  Oh 
no,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  her  ladyship  tells  me  it  is 
werry  expensive,  for  the  English  always  pay  through 
the  nose  if  they  go  to  English  houses  in  Paris ;  and 
as  we  talk  French,  we  can  put  up  at  a  French  one, 
you  know."  "Well,  then,  we  can  try  some  of  the 
French  ones  in  the  Rue  de  la  Paix."  "  Rue  de  la  Pay  ; 
no,  by  Jove,  that  won't  do  for  me — the  werry  name  is 
enough — no  Rue  de  la  Pays  for  me,  at  least  if  I  have 


172   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

to  pay  the  shot."  "  Well,  then,  you  must  get  your 
friend  there  to  tell  you  of  some  place,  for  I  don't  care 
twopence,  as  long  as  I  have  a  bed,  where  it  is."  The 
Countess  and  he  then  laid  their  heads  together  again, 
and  when  the  diligence  stopped  to  change  horses  at 
St.  Denis,  Mr.  Jorrocks  asked  the  Yorkshireman  to 
alight,  and,  taking  him  aside,  announced  with  great 
glee  that  her  ladyship,  finding  they  were  strangers  in 
the  land,  had  most  kindly  invited  them  to  stay  with 
her,  and  that  she  had  a  most  splendid  house  in  the 
Rue  des  Mauvais-Gargons,  ornamented  with  mirrors, 
musical  clocks,  and  he  didn't  know  what,  and  kept 
the  best  company  in  all  France,  marquesses,  barons, 
viscounts,  authors,  etc.  Before  the  Yorkshireman 
had  time  to  reply,  the  conducteur  came  and  hurried 
them  back  into  the  diligence,  and  closed  the  door 
with  a  bang,  to  be  sure  of  having  his  passengers  there 
while  he  and  the  postilion  shuffled  the  cards  and  cut 
for  a  glass  of  eau-de-vie  apiece. 

The  Countess,  suspecting  what  they  had  been 
after,  resumed  the  conversation  as  soon  as  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks was  seated.  "  You  shall  manger  cinque  fois 
every  day,"  said  she ;  "  cinque  fois,"  she  repeated. — 
"  Humph  ! "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  himself,  "  What  can 
that  mean? — cank  four — four  times  five's  twenty — 
eat  twenty  times  a  day — not  possible ! "  "  Oui, 
Monsieur,  cinque  fois,"  repeated  the  Countess,  telling 
the  number  off  on  her  fingers — "  Cafe  at  nine  of  the 
matin,  dejeuner  ^  la  fourchette  at  onze  o'clock,  diner 
at  cinque  heure,  cafe  at  six  hour,  and  souper  at 
neuf  hour."  "  Upon  my  word,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks 
his  eyes  sparkling  with  pleasure,  "your  offer  is 
werry  inwiting.  My  lady,"  said  he,  bowing  before 
her,  "Je  suis — I  am  much  flattered."  "And  Mon- 
sieur?" said  she,  looking  at  the  Yorkshireman.  He 
too  assured  her  that  he  was  very  much  flattered,  and 
was  beginning  to  excuse  himself,  when  the  Countess 
interrujjted  him  somewhat  abruptly  by  turning  to  Mr. 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  173 

Jorrocks  and  saying,  "  He  sail  be  your  son — n'est-ce 
pas?"  "No,  my  lady,  I've  no  children,"  replied  he, 
and  the  Countess's  eyes  in  their  turn  underwent  a 
momentary  illumination. 

The  Parisian  barrier  was  soon  reached,  and  the  man 
taken  up  to  kick  about  the  jaded  travellers'  luggage  at 
the  journey's  end.  While  this  operation  was  going  on 
in  the  diligence  yard,  the  Countess  stuck  close  to  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  and  having  despatched  Agamemnon  for  a 
fiacre,  bundled  him  in,  luggage  and  all,  and  desiring 
her  worthy  domestic  to  mount  the  box,  and  direct 
the  driver,  she  kissed  her  hand  to  the  Yorkshireman, 
assuring  him  she  would  be  most  happy  to  see  him,  in 
proof  of  which,  she  drove  away  without  telling  him  her 
number,  or  where  the  Rue  de  Mauvais-Gargons  was. 

Paris  is  a  charming  place  after  the  heat  of  the 
summer  has  passed  away,  and  the  fine,  clear,  autumnal 
days  arrive.  Then  is  the  time  to  see  the  Tuileries 
gardens  to  perfection,  when  the  Parisians  have  re- 
turned from  their  chateaus,  and  emigrating  English 
and  those  homeward  bound  halt  to  renovate  on  the 
road ;  then  is  the  time  that  the  gayest  plants  put  forth 
their  brightest  hues,  and  drooping  orange  flowers  scent 
the  air  which  silvery  fountains  lend  their  aid  to  cool. 

On  a  Sunday  afternoon,  such  as  we  have  described, 
our  friend  Mr.  Stubbs  (who  since  his  arrival  had  been 
living  very  comfortably  at  the  Hotel  d'Hollande,  in 
expectation  of  Mr.  Jorrocks  paying  his  bill)  indulged 
in  six  sous  worth  of  chairs — one  to  sit  upon  and  one 
for  each  leg — and,  John  Bull-like,  stretched  himself 
out  in  the  shade  beneath  the  lofty  trees,  to  view  the 
gay  groups  who  promenaded  the  alleys  before  him. 
First,  there  came  a  helmeted  cuirassier,  with  his  wife 
in  blue  satin,  and  a  little  boy  in  his  hand  in  uniform, 
with  a  wooden  sword,  a  perfect  miniature  of  the 
father,  then  a  group  of  short-petticoated,  shuffling 
French  women,  each  with  an  Italian  greyhound  in 
slips,  followed  by  an  awkward  Englishman  with  a  sister 


174   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

on  each  arm,  all  stepping  out  like  grenadiers ;  then 
came  a  ribbon'd  chevalier  of  the  Legion  of  Honour, 
whose  hat  was  oftener  in  his  hand  than  on  his^head, 
followed  by  a  nondescript-looking  militaire  with'fierce 
mustachios,  in  shining  jack-boots,  white  leathers,  and 
a  sort  of  Italian  military  cloak,  with  one  side  thrown 
over  the  shoulder,  to  exhibit  the  wearer's  leg,  and  the 
bright  scabbard  of  a  large  sword,  while  on  the  hero's 
left  arm  hung  a  splendidly-dressed  woman.  "What 
a  figure  ! "  said  the  Yorkshireman  to  himself,  as  they 
came  before  him,  and  he  took  another  good  stare — 
"  Yet,  stay — no,  impossible  ! — Gracious  Heaven  !  it 
can't  be — and  yet  it  is — by  Jove,  it's  Jorrocks  ! " 

"Why,  now,  you  old  imbecile,"  cried  he,  jumping 
off  his  chair  and  running  up  to  him,  "  what  are  you 
after  ? "  bursting  into  a  loud  laugh,  as  he  looked  at 
Mr,  Jorrocks's  mustachios  (a  pair  of  great  false  ones). 
"Is  there  no  piece  of  tomfoolery  too  great  for  you? 
What's  come  across  you  now  ?  Where  the  deuce  did 
you  get  these  things  ?  "  taking  hold  of  the  curls  at  one 
side  of  his  mustachios. 

"How  now?"  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  rage  and 
astonishment.  "  How  now  !  ye  young  scaramouch, 
vot  do  you  mean  by  insulting  a  gentleman  sportsman 
in  broad  daylight,  in  the  presence  of  a  lady  of  quality  ? 
By  Jingo,"  added  he,  his  eyes  sparkling  with  rage,  "  if 
you  are  not  off  before  I  can  say  '  dumpling,'  I'll  run 
you  through  the  gizzard  and  give  your  miserable 
carcass  to  the  dogs,"  suiting  the  action  to  the  word, 
and  groping  under  his  cloak  for  the  hilt  of  his  sword. 
— A  crowd  collected,  and  the  Yorkshireman,  per- 
ceiving symptoms  of  a  scene,  slunk  out  of  the  melde, 
and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  after  an  indignant  shake  or  two  of 
his  feathers  and  curl  of  his  mustachios,  pursued  his 
course  up  the  gardens. 

This  was  the  first  time  they  had  met  since  their 
arrival,  which  was  above  a  week  before ;  indeed,  it 
was  nine  days,  for  the  landlord  of  the  house  where 


o 
o 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  i 


/3 


the  Yorkshireman  lived  had  sent  his  "  Httlc  bill "  two 
days  before  this,  it  being  an  established  rule  of  his 
house,  and  one  which  was  conspicuously  posted  in 
all  the  rooms,  that  the  bills  were  to  be  settled  weekly ; 
and  Mr.  Stubbs  had  that  very  morning  observed  that 
the  hat  of  Monsieur  I'Hote  was  not  raised  half  so  high 
from  his  head,  nor  his  body  inclined  so  much  towards 
the  ground  as  it  was  wont  to  be, — a  pretty  significant 
hint  that  he  wanted  his  cash.  Now  the  Yorkshire- 
man,  among  his  other  accomplishments,  had  a  turn 
for  play,  and  unfortunately  had  been  at  the  Salon  the 
night  before,  when,  after  a  continuous  run  of  ill  luck, 
he  came  away  twelve  francs  below  the  amount  of  the 
hotel-keeper's  bill,  consequently  a  rumpus  with  Mr. 
Jorrocks  could  not  have  taken  place  at  a  more  unfor- 
tunate moment.  Thinking,  however,  a  good  night's 
rest  or  two  might  settle  him  down,  and  put  all  matters 
right,  he  let  things  alone  until  the  Tuesday  following, 
when  again  finding  Monsieur's  little  "  memoire "  on 
one  side  of  his  coflee-cup,  and  a  framed  copy  of  the 
"rules  and  regulations"  of  the  house  on  the  other,  he 
felt  constrained  to  take  some  decisive  step  towards 
its  liquidation.  Accordingly,  having  breakfasted,  he 
combed  his  hair  straight  over  his  face,  and,  putting 
on  a  very  penitential  look,  called  a  cab,  and  desired 
the  man  to  drive  him  to  the  Rue  des  Mauvais- 
Garc^ons.  After  zigzagging,  twisting,  and  turning 
about  in  various  directions,  they  at  last  jingled  to  the 
end  of  a  very  narrow,  dirty-looking  street,  whose 
unswept  pavement  had  not  been  cheered  by  a  ray  of 
sunshine  since  the  houses  were  built.  It  was  exces- 
sively narrow,  and  there  were  no  flags  on  either  side ; 
but  through  the  centre  ran  a  dribbling  stream,  here 
and  there  obstructed  by  oyster-shells,  or  vegetable 
refuse,  as  the  water  had  served  as  a  plaything  for 
children,  or  been  stopped  by  servants  for  domestic 
purposes.  The  street  being  extremely  old,  of  course 
the  houses  were  very  large,  forming,  as  all  houses  do 


176   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

in  Paris,  little  squares  entered  by  folding  doors,  at 
one  side  of  which,  in  a  sort  of  lodge,  lives  the  porter 
— "  Parlez  au  portier" — who  receives  letters,  parcels, 
and  communications  for  the  several  occupiers,  con- 
sisting sometimes  of  twenty  or  thirty  different  estab- 
lishments in  one  house.  From  this  functionary  may 
be  learned  the  names  of  the  different  tenants. 
Having  dismissed  his  cab,  the  Yorkshireman  entered 
the  first  gateway  on  his  left,  to  take  the  chance  of 
gaining  some  intelligence  of  the  Countess.  The 
porter — a  cobbler  by  trade — was  hammering  away, 
last  on  knee,  at  the  sole  of  a  shoe,  and,  with  a  grin 
on  his  countenance,  informed  the  Yorkshireman  that 
the  Countess  lived  next  door  but  one.  A  thrill  of 
fear  come  over  him  on  finding  himself  so  near  the 
residence  of  his  indignant  friend,  but  it  was  of 
momentary  duration,  and  he  soon  entered  the  court- 
yard of  No,  3 — where  he  was  directed  by  an  unshaved, 
grisly-looking  porter,  to  proceed  " au  troisihne"  and 
ring  the  bell  at  the  door  on  the  right-hand  side. 
Obedient  to  his  directions,  the  Yorkshireman  pro- 
ceeded to  climb  a  wide  but  dirty  stone  staircase,  with 
carved  and  gilded  balusters,  whose  wall  and  steps  had 
known  no  water  for  many  years,  and  at  length  found 
himself  on  the  landing  opposite  the  very  apartment 
which  contained  the  redoubtable  Jorrocks.  Here  he 
stood  for  a  few  seconds,  breathing  and  cooling  him- 
self after  his  exertions,  during  which  time  he  pictured 
to  himself  the  worthy  citizen  immersed  in  papers, 
deeply  engaged  in  the  preparation  of  his  France  in 
three  volumes,  and  wished  that  the  first  five  minutes 
of  their  interview  was  over.  At  length  he  mustered 
courage  to  grasp  a  greasy-looking  red  tassel,  and  give 
a  gentle  tinkle  to  the  bell.  The  door  was  quickly- 
opened  by  Agamemnon  in  dirty  loose  trousers  and 
slippers,  and  without  a  coat.  He  recognized  his 
fellow-traveller,  and,  in  answer  to  his  inquiry  if 
Monsieur     Jorrocks    was     at     home,    grinned     and 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  177 

answered,  "  Oh  oui,  certainement,  Monsieur  le  Colonel 
Jorrockes  est  ici,"  and  motioned  him  to  come  in. 
The  Yorkshireman  entered  the  httle  ante-room — a 
sort  of  scullery,  full  of  mops,  pans,  dirty  shoes, 
dusters,  candlesticks — and  the  first  thing  that  caught 
his  eye  was  Jorrocks's  sv,;rd,  which  Agamemnon  had 
been  burnishing  up  with  sand-paper  and  leather,  lying 
on  a  table  before  the  window.  This  was  not  very 
encouraging,  but  Agamemnon  gave  no  time  for  re- 
flection, and,  opening  half  a  light  salmon-coloured 
folding  door  directly  opposite  the  one  by  which  he 
entered,  the  Yorkshireman  passed  through  unan- 
nounced, and  unperceived  by  Mr.  Jorrocks  or  the 
Countess,  who  were  completely  absorbed  in  a  game 
of  dominoes,  sitting  on  opposite  sides  of  a  common 
deal  table,  whose  rose-coloured  silk  cover  was  laid  over 
the  back  of  a  chair.  Jorrocks  was  sitting  on  a  stool 
with  his  back  to  the  door,  and  the  Countess  being 
very  intent  on  the  game,  Mr.  Stubbs  had  time  for  a 
hasty  survey  of  the  company  and  apartment  before 
she  looked  up.  It  was  about  one  o'clock,  and  of 
course  she  was  still  en  deshabille^  with  her  nightcap 
on,  a  loose  robe  de  chambre  of  flannel,  and  a  flaming 
broad-striped  red-and-black  Scotch  shawl  thrown  over 
her  shoulders,  and  swan's-down  lined  slippers  on  her 
feet.  Mr.  Jorrocks  had  his  leather  pantaloons  on, 
with  a  rich  blue  and  yellow  brocade  dressing-gown, 
and  blue  morocco  slippers  to  match.  His  jack-boots, 
to  which  he  had  added  a  pair  of  regimental  heel- 
spurs,  were  airing  before  a  stove,  which  contained  the 
dying  embers  of  a  small  log.  The  room  was  low,  and 
contained  the  usual  allowance  of  red  figured  velvet- 
cushioned  chairs,  with  brass  nails ;  the  window 
curtains  were  red-and-white  on  rings  and  gilded  rods ; 
a  secretaire  stood  against  one  of  the  walls,  and  there 
was  a  large  mirror  above  the  marble  mantelpiece, 
which  supported  a  clock  surmounted  by  a  flying 
Cupid,  and  two  vases  of  artificial  flowers  covered  with 
12 


178   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

glass,  on  one  of  which  was  placed  an  elegant  bonnet 
of  the  newest  and  most  approved  fashion.  The  floor, 
of  highly-polished  oak,  was  strewed  about  with  play- 
bills, slippers,  curl-papers,  boxes,  cards,  dice,  ribbons, 
dirty  handkerchiefs,  etc. ;  and  on  one  side  of  the 
deal  table  was  a  plate  containing  five  well-picked 
mutton-chop  bones,  and  hard  by  lay  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
mustachios  and  a  dirty  small-tooth  comb. 

Just  as  the  Yorkshireman  had  got  thus  far  in  his 
survey,  the  Countess  gave  the  finishing  stroke  to  the 
game,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  jumping  up  in  a  rage,  gave 
his  leathers  such  a  slap  as  sent  a  cloud  of  pipeclay 
flying  into  his  face.  "  Vous  avez  the  devil's  own 
luck  ! "  exclaimed  he,  repeating  the  blow,  when,  to 
avoid  the  cloud,  he  turned  short  round,  and  encoun- 
tered the  Yorkshireman. 

"How  now?"  roared  he  at  the  top  of  his  voice, 
"who  sent  for  you?  Have  you  come  here  to  insult 
me  in  my  ozvn  house  ?  I'll  lay  my  soul  to  an  'oss- 
shoe,  I'll  be  too  many  for  ye  !     Where's  my  sword  ?  " 

"Now,  my  good  Mr.  Jorrocks,"  replied  the  York- 
shireman, very  mildly,  "pray  don't  put  yourself  into 
a  passion — consider  the  lady,  and  don't  let  us  have 
any  unpleasantness  in  Madame  la  Duchesse  Benvolio's 
house,"  making  her  a  very  low  bow  as  he  spoke,  and 
laying  his  hand  on  his  heart. 

"  D — n  your  displeasancies  ! "  roared  Jorrocks, 
"and  that's  swearhig — a  thing  I've  never  done  since 
my  brother  Joe  fobbed  me  of  my  bottom  piece  of 
muffin.  Out  with  you,  I  say  !  Out  with  ye  !  you're 
a  nasty  dirty  blackguard,  I'm  done  with  you  for  ever. 
I  detest  the  sight  of  you,  and  hate  ye  afresh  every 
time  I  see  you  !" 

"  Doucement,  mon  cher  Colonel,"  interposed  the 
Countess,  "ve  sail  play  anoder  game,  and  you  sail 
had  von  better  chance,"  clapping  him  on  the  back  as 
she  spoke.  "I  von't\"  bellowed  Jorrocks;  "turn 
this  chap  out  first,  I'll  do  it  myself.     H' Agamemnon  ! 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  179 

H' Agamemnon !  happortez  my  sword !  bring  my 
sword  !  tout  suite,  directly  !  " 

"  Police  !  Police  !  Police  !  "  screamed  the  Countess 
out  of  the  window ;  "  Police  !  Police  !  Police  !  " 
bellowed  Agamemnon  from  the  next  one ;  "  Police  ! 
Police  !  Police  !  "  re-echoed  the  grisly  porter  down 
below ;  and  before  they  had  time  to  reflect  on  what 
had  passed,  a  sergeant's  file  of  the  National  Guard 
had  entered  the  hotel,  mounted  the  stairs,  and  taken 
possession  of  the  apartment.  The  sight  of  the  soldiers 
with  their  bright  bayonets,  all  fixed  and  gleaming  as 
they  were,  cooled  Mr.  Jorrocks's  courage  in  an  instant, 
and,  after  standing  a  few  seconds  in  petrified  astonish- 
ment, he  made  a  dart  at  his  jack-boots  and  bolted  out 
of  the  room.  The  Countess  Benvolio  then  unlocked 
her  secretaire,  in  which  was  a  plated  liqueur-stand  with 
bottles  and  glasses,  out  of  which  she  poured  the 
sergeant  three,  and  the  privates  two  glasses  each  of 
pure  eau-de-vie,  after  which  Agamemnon  showed  them 
the  top  of  the  stairs. 

In  less  than  ten  minutes  all  was  quiet  again,  and 
the  Yorkshireman  was  occupying  Mr.  Jorrocks's  stool. 
The  Countess  then  began  putting  things  a  little  in 
order,  adorned  the  deal  table  with  the  rose-coloured 
cover — before  doing  which  she  swept  off  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
mustachios,  and  thrust  a  dirty  white  handkerchief  and 
the  small-tooth  comb  under  the  cushion  of  a  chair, — 
while  Agamemnon  carried  away  the  plate  with  the 
bones.  "  Ah,  le  pauvre  Colonel,"  said  the  Countess, 
eyeing  the  bones  as  they  passed,  "  he  sail  be  von  grand 
homme  to  eat — him  eat  toujours — all  day  long.  Oh, 
him  mange  beaucoup — beaucoup — beaucoup.  He  is 
von  vare  amiable  man,  but  he  sail  not  be  moch 
patience.  I  guess  he  sail  be  var^  rich — n'est-ce 
pas  ?  have  many  guinea  ? — He  say  he  keep  beaucoup 
des  chiens — many  dogs  for  the  hont — he  sail  be  vot 
dey  call  rom  customer  (rum  customer)  in  Angleterre, 
I  think.'* 


i8o   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Thus  she  went  rattling  on,  telling  the  Yorkshireman 
all  sorts  of  stories  about  the  pauvre  Colonel,  whom  she 
seemed  ready  to  change  for  a  younger  piece  of  goods 
with  a  more  moderate  appetite ;  and  finding  Mr. 
Stubbs  more  complaisant  than  he  had  been  in  the 
diligence,  she  concluded  by  proposing  that  he  should 
accompany  the  Colonel  and  herself  to  a  soir^e- 
dansante  that  evening  at  a  friend  of  hers,  another 
Countess,  in  the  "  Rue  des  Bon-Enfants." 

Being  disengaged  as  usual,  he  at  once  assented,  on 
condition  that  the  Countess  would  effect  a  reconcilia- 
tion between  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  himself,  for  which 
purpose  she  at  once  repaired  to  his  room,  and 
presently  re-appeared  arm  and  arm  with  our  late 
outrageously  indignant  hero.  The  Colonel  had 
been  occupying  his  time  at  the  toilette,  and  was 
en  grand  costume — finely  cleaned  leathers,  jack  boots 
and  brass  spurs,  with  a  spic  and  span  new  blue 
military  frock-coat,  hooking  and  eyeing  up  to  the 
chin,  all  covered  with  braid,  frogs,  tags,  and  buttons. 

"  Dere  be  von  beau  gar^on ! "  exclaimed  the 
Countess,  turning  him  round  after  having  led  him 
into  the  middle  of  the  room — "dat  habit  does  fit 
you  like  vax."  "  Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  raising 
his  arms  as  though  he  were  going  to  take  flight,  "  but 
it  is  rather  tight  —  partiklarly  round  the  waist  — 
shouldn't  like  to  dine  in  it.  What  do  you  think  of 
it?" — turning  round  and  addressing  the  Yorkshire- 
man  as  if  nothing  had  happened — "suppose  you 
get  one  like  it?"  "Do,"  rejoined  the  Countess, 
"  and  some  of  the  other  things — vot  you  call  them. 
Colonel?"  "  What— breeches  ?  "  "Yes,  breeches 
— but  the  Oder  name — vot  you  call  dem?"  "Oh, 
leathers  ?"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "No,  no,  another 
name  still."  "  I  know  no  other.  Pantaloons, 
perhaps  you  mean  ? "  "  No,  no,  not  pantaloons." 
"Not  pantaloons? — then  I  know  of  nothing  else. 
You    don't    mean    those    sacks    of    things,    called 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  i8i 

trousers?"  taking  hold  of  the  Yorkshireman's. 
"No,  no,  not  trousers."  "Then,  really,  my  lady, 
I  don't  know  any  other  name."  "  Oh,  yes,  Colonel, 
you  know  the  things  I  intend.  Vot  is  it  you  call 
Da\i\  in  Angleterre  ?"  "Oh,  we  have  lots  of  names 
for  him  — Old  Nick,  for  instance."  "Old  Nick 
breeches,"  said  the  Countess,  thoughtfully ;  "  no,  dat 
sail  not  be  it— vot  else?"  "Old  Harry?"  replied 
Mr.  Jorrocks.  "Old  Harry  breeches,"  repeated  the 
Countess  in  the  hopes  of  catching  the  name  by 
the  ear — "no,  nor  dat  either,  encore  anoder  name. 
Colonel."  "Old  Scratch,  then?"  "Old  Scratch 
breeches,"  re-echoed  the  Countess — "  no  dat  shall 
not  do."  "Beelzebub?"  rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks. 
"Beelzebub  breeches,"  repeated  the  Countess  — 
"nor  dat."  "Satan,  then,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks. 
"  Oui,  oui  !  "  responded  the  Countess  with  delight, 
"  S3.ta?i  !  black  satan  breeches — you  shall  von  pair 
of  black  sat^n  breeches,  like  the  Colonel." 

"And  the  Colonel  will  pay  for  them,  I  presume?" 
said  the  Yorkshireman,  looking  at  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"  I  carn't,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  an  undertone ; 
"  I'm  nearly  cleaned  out,  and  shall  be  in  Shorfs 
gardens  before  I  know  where  I  am,  unless  I  hold 
better  cards  this  evening  than  I've  done  yet.  Some- 
how or  other,  these  French  are  rather  too  sharp  for 
me,  and  I've  been  down  upon  my  luck  ever  since  I 
came.  Lose  every  night,  in  fact,  and  then  they  are 
so  werry  anxious  for  me  to  have  my  rewenge,  as  they 
call  it,  that  they  make  parties  expressly  for  me  every 
evening  ;  but,  instead  of  getting  my  rewenge,  I  only 
lose  more  and  more  money.  They  seem  to  me  always 
to  turn  up  the  king,  whenever  they  want  him.  To- 
night we  are  going  to  a  Countess's  of  werry  great 
consequence,  and,  as  you  know  dcarte  well,  I'll  back 
your  play,  and,  perhaps,  we  may  do  something  between 


us." 


This    being   all    arranged,    Mr.    Stubbs   took    his 


i82   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

departure,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  having  girded  on  his 
sword,  and  the  Countess  having  made  her  morning 
toilette,  they  proceeded  to  their  daily  promenade  in 
the  Tuileries  gardens. 

A  little  before  nine  that  evening,  the  Yorkshireman 
again  found  himself  toiling  up  the  dirty  staircase,  and, 
on  reaching  the  third  landing,  was  received  by 
Agamemnon  in  a  roomy  uniform  of  a  chasseur — 
dark  green  and  tarnished  gold,  with  a  cocked  hat 
and  black  feather,  and  a  couteau  de  chasse,  slung 
by  a  shining  patent-leather  belt  over  his  shoulder. 
The  opening  of  the  inner  door  displayed  the  worthy 
Colonel  sitting  at  his  ease,  with  his  toes  on  each  side 
of  the  stove  (for  the  evenings  had  begun  to  get  cool), 
munching  the  last  bit  of  crust  of  the  fifth  perigord  pie 
that  the  Countess  had  got  him  to  buy.  He  was  ex- 
tremely smart :  thin  black  gauze-silk  stockings,  black 
satin  breeches;  well -washed,  well  -  starched  white 
waistcoat  with  a  rolling  collar,  showing  an  amplitude 
of  frill ;  a  blue  coat  with  yellow  buttons  and  a  velvet 
collar,  while  his  pumps  shone  as  bright  as  polished 
steel. 

The  Countess  presently  sidled  into  the  room,  all 
smirks  and  smiles  as  dressy  ladies  generally  are  when 
well  "got  up."  Rouge  and  the  milliner  had  effect- 
ually reduced  her  age  from  five-and-forty  down  to 
five-and-twenty.  She  wore  a  dress  of  the  palest  pink 
satin,  with  lilies  of  the  valley  in  her  hair,  and  an 
exquisitely  wrought  gold  armlet,  with  a  most  Liliputian 
watch  in  the  centre. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  having  finished  his  pic-crust,  and 
stuck  on  his  mustachios,  the  Countess  blew  out  her 
"bougies,"  and  the  trio,  preceded  by  Agamemnon 
with  a  lanthorn  in  his  hand,  descended  the  stairs, 
whose  greasy,  muddy  steps  contrasted  strangely  with 
the  rich  delicacy  of  the  Countess's  beautifully  slippered 
feet.  Having  handed  them  into  the  voiture,  Agamem- 
non mounted  up  behind,  and  in  less  than  ten  minutes 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  183 

they  rumbled  into  the  spacious  courtyard  of  the 
Countess  de  Jackson,  in  the  Rue  des  Bons-Enfants, 
and  drew  up  beneath  a  lofty  arch  at  the  foot  of  a 
long  flight  of  dirty  black-and-white  marble  stairs, 
about  the  centre  of  which  was  stationed  a  "  lacquey 
de  place  "  to  show  the  company  up  to  the  ball.  The 
Countess  de  Jackson  (the  wife  of  an  English  horse- 
dealer)  lived  in  an  efitre-sol  au  troisihne,  but  the  hotel 
being  of  considerable  dimensions,  her  apartment  was 
much  more  spacious  than  the  Countess  Benvolio's. 
Indeed,  the  Countess  de  Jackson,  being  a  "  marchande 
des  modes,"  had  occasion  for  greater  accommodation, 
and  she  had  five  low  rooms,  whereof  the  centre  one 
was  circular,  from  which  four  others,  consisting  of  an 
ante-room,  a  kitchen,  a  bedroom,  and  a  "salle  k 
manger,"  radiated. 

Agamemnon  having  opened  the  door  of  the  fiacre, 
the  Countess  Benvolio  took  the  Yorkshireman's  arm, 
and  at  once  proceeded  to  make  the  ascent,  leaving 
the  Colonel  to  settle  the  fare,  observing,  as  they 
mounted  the  stairs,  that  he  was  "von  exceeding 
excellent  man,  but  var^  slow." 

"  Madame  la  Comtesse  Benvolio  and  Monsieur 
Stoops !  "  cried  the  "  lacquey  de  place,"  as  they  reached 
the  door  of  the  low  ante-room,  where  the  Countess 
Benvolio  deposited  her  shawl,  and  took  a  final  look 
at  herself  in  the  glass.  She  again  took  the  Yorkshire- 
man's  arm  and  entered  the  round  ballroom,  which, 
though  low  and  out  of  all  proportion,  had  an  exceed- 
ingly gay  appearance,  from  the  judicious  arrangement 
of  the  numerous  lights,  reflected  in  costly  mirrors, 
and  the  simple  elegance  of  the  crimson  drapery, 
festooned  with  flowers  and  evergreens  against  the 
gilded  walls.  Indeed,  the  hotel  had  been  the 
residence  of  an  ambassador  before  the  first  revolu- 
tion, and  this  entresol  had  formed  the  private  apart- 
ment of  his  Excellency.  The  door  immediately 
opposite   the   one   by  which   they  entered,  led   into 


i84   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  Countess  de  Jackson's  bedroom,  which  was  also 
lighted  up,  with  the  best  furniture  exposed,  and  her 
toilette-table  set  out  with  numberless  scent  bottles, 
vases,  trinkets,  and  knick-knacks,  while  the  "salle  h 
manger"  was  converted  into  a  card-room.  Having 
been  presented  in  due  form  to  the  hostess,  the 
Yorkshireman  and  his  new  friend  stood  surveying 
the  gay  crowd  of  beautiful  and  well-dressed  women, 
large-frilled  and  well-whiskered  men,  all  chatting,  and 
bowing,  and  dancing,  when  a  half-suppressed  titter 
that  ran  through  the  room  attracted  their  attention, 
and  turning  round,  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  seen  poking 
his  way  through  the  crowd  with  a  number  of  straws 
sticking  to  his  feet,  giving  him  the  appearance  of  a 
feathered  Mercury.  The  fact  was,  that  Agamemnon 
had  cleaned  his  shoes  with  the  liquid  varnish  (French 
polish),  and  forgetting  to  dry  it  properly,  the  carrying 
away  half  the  straw  from  the  bottom  of  the  fiacre  was 
the  consequence,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  having  paid  the 
Jehu  rather  short,  the  latter  had  not  cared  to  tell  him 
about  it. 

The  straws  were,  however,  soon  removed  without 
interruption  to  the  gaiety  of  the  evening.  Mr. 
Stubbs,  of  course,  took  an  early  opportunity  of 
waltzing  with  the  Countess  Benvolio,  who,  as  all 
French  women  are,  was  an  admirable  dancer,  and 
Jorrocks  stood  by  fingering  and  curling  his  mus- 
tachios,  admiring  her  movements,  but  apparently 
rather  jealous  of  the  Yorkshireman.  "  I  wish,"  said 
he,  after  the  dance  was  over,  "that  you  would  sit 
down  at  ^cart(5,  and  let  us  try  to  win  some  of  these 
mouncheers'  tin,  for  I'm  nearly  cleaned  out.  Let  us 
go  into  the  card-room,  but  first  let  us  see  if  we 
can  find  anything  in  the  way  of  nourishment,  for 
I  begin  to  be  hungry.  Garsoon,"  said  he,  catching  a 
servant  with  a  tray  full  of  eau  sucre  glasses,  "avez- 
vous  kickshaws  to  eat?"  putting  his  finger  in  his 
mouth — "  ge  wouderay  some  refreshment."    "  Oh  oui," 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  185 

replied  the  gar^on,  taking  him  to  an  open  window 
overlooking  the  courtyard,  and  extending  his  hand  in 
the  air,  "  voila,  monsieur,  de  tres  bon  rafraichisse- 
ment." 

The  ball  proceeded  with  the  utmost  decorum,  for 
though  composed  of  shopkeepers  and  such  like,  there 
was  nothing  in  their  dress  or  manner  to  indicate 
anything  but  the  best  possible  breeding.  Jorrocks, 
indeed,  fancied  himself  in  the  very  elite  of  French 
society,  and  but  for  a  little  incident  would  have 
remained  of  that  opinion.  In  an  unlucky  moment  he 
took  it  into  his  head  he  could  waltz,  and  surprised 
the  Countess  Benvolio  by  claiming  her  hand  for  the 
next  dance.  "  It  seems  werry  easy,"  said  he  to 
himself,  as  he  eyed  the  couples  gliding  round  the 
room; — "at  all  ewents  there's  nothing  like  trying, 
*  for  he  who  never  makes  an  effort  never  risks  a 
failure.'"  The  couples  were  soon  formed  and 
ranged  for  a  fresh  dance.  Jorrocks  took  a  con- 
spicuous position  in  the  centre  of  the  room,  buttoned 
his  coat,  and  as  the  music  struck  up  put  his  arm 
round  the  waist  of  his  partner.  The  Countess,  it 
seems,  had  some  misgivings  as  to  his  prowess  in  the 
dancing  line,  and  used  all  her  strength  to  get  him 
well  off,  but  the  majority  of  the  dancers  started  before 
him.  At  length,  however,  he  began  to  move,  and 
went  rolling  away  in  something  between  a  gallop  and 
a  waltz,  effecting  two  turns,  like  a  great  cart-wheel, 
which  brought  him  bang  across  the  room,  right  into 
the  track  of  another  couple,  who  were  s\\inging  down 
at  full  speed,  making  a  cannon  with  his  head  against 
both  theirs,  and  ending  by  all  four  coming  down 
upon  the  hard  boards  with  a  tremendous  crash — the 
Countess  Benvolio  undermost,  then  the  partner  of 
the  other  Countess,  then  Jorrocks,  and  then  the 
other  Countess  herself.  Great  was  the  commotion, 
and  the  music  stopped ;  Jorrocks  lost  his  wig,  and 
split  his  Beelzebub  breeches  across  the  knees,  while 


i86   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  other  gentleman  cracked  his  behind — and  the 
Countess  Benvolio  and  the  other  Countess  were  con- 
siderably damaged ;  particularly  the  other  Countess, 
who  lost  four  false  teeth  and  broke  an  ear-ring. 
This,  however,  was  not  the  worst,  for  as  soon  as  they 
were  all  scraped  together  and  set  up  right  again,  the 
other  Countess's  partner  attacked  Jorrocks  most 
furiously,  calling  him  a  sacr^-noni-de-Dieu'd  bete  of 
an  Englishman,  a  mauvais  sujet,  a  cochon,  etc.,  etc., 
then  spitting  on  the  floor  —  the  greatest  insult  a 
Frenchman  can  offer — he  vapoured  about  being  one 
of  the  "grand  nation,"  "that  he  was  brave  —  the 
world  knew  it,"  and  concluded  by  thrusting  his 
card — "  Monsieur  Charles  Adolphe  Eugene,  Con- 
fiturier.  No.  15  bis,  Rue  Poupee  " — into  Jorrocks's 
face. 

It  was  now  Jorrocks's  turn  to  speak,  so  doubling 
his  fists,  and  getting  close  to  him,  he  held  one  to  his 
nose,  exclaiming,  "D — n  ye,  sir,  je  suis — Jorrocks 
— Je  suis  an  Englishman  !  je  vous  lick  within  an  inch 
of  your  life  ! — Je  vous  kick  ! — Je  vous  mill ! — je  vous 
flabbergaster ! "  and  concluded  by  giving  him  his 
card,  "  Monsieur  le  Colonel  Jorrocks  No.  3,  Rue  des 
Mauvais-Gargons." 

A  friend  of  the  confectioner's  interposed  and  got 
him  away,  and  Mr.  Stubbs  persuaded  Mr.  Jorrocks 
to  retire  into  the  card-room,  where  they  were  speedily 
waited  upon  by  the  friend  of  the  former,  who 
announced  that  the  Colonel  must  make  an  apology 
or  fight,  for  he  said,  although  Jorrocks  was  a 
"  Colonel  Anglais,"  still  Monsieur  Eugene  was  of  the 
Legion  of  Honour,  and  consequently,  very  brave  and 
not  to  be  insulted  with  impunity.  All  this  the  York- 
shireman  interpreted  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  was  most 
anxious  to  fight,  and  wished  it  was  light  that  they 
might  go  to  work  immediately.  Mr.  Stubbs  there- 
fore told  the  confectioner's  friend  (who  was  also  his 
foreman),    that   the   Colonel   would   fight   him   with 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  187 

pistols  at  six  o'clock  in  the  Bois  de  Boulogne,  but  no 
sooner  was  the  word  "  pistols  "  mentioned  than  the 
friend  exclaimed,  with  a  grimace  and  shrug  of  his 
shoulders,  "  Oh,  horror,  no  !  Monsieur  Adolphe  is 
brave,  but  he  will  not  touch  pistols — they  are  not  the 
weapons  of  his  country."  Jorrocks  then  proposed  to 
fight  him  with  broadswords,  but  this  the  confectioner's 
foreman  declined  on  behalf  of  his  principal,  and  at 
last  the  Colonel  suggested  that  they  could  not  do 
better  than  fight  it  out  with  fists.  Now,  the  con- 
fectioner was  ten  years  younger  than  Jorrocks,  tall, 
long-armed,  and  not  over-burdened  with  flesh,  and 
had  moreover  taken  lessons  of  Harry  Hammer,  when 
that  worthy  had  his  school  in  Paris,  so  he  thought 
the  offer  was  a  good  one,  and  immediately  closed 
with  it.  Jorrocks,  too,  had  been  a  patron  of  the 
prize-ring,  having  studied  under  Bill  Richmond,  the 
man  of  colour,  and  was  reported  to  have  exhibited  in 
early  life  (incog.)  with  a  pugilist  of  some  pretensions 
at  the  Fives  Court ;  so,  all  things  considered,  fists 
seemed  a  very  proper  mode  of  settling  the  matter, 
and  that  being  agreed  upon,  each  party  quitted  the 
Countess  de  Jackson's — the  confectioner  putting 
forth  all  manner  of  high-flown  ejaculations  and 
prayers  for  success,  as  he  groped  about  the  ante-room 
for  his  hat,  and  descended  the  stairs.  "  O  God  of 
war!"  said  he,  throwing  up  his  hands,  "who  guided 
the  victorious  army  of  this  grand  nation  in  Egypt, 
when,  from  the  pyramids,  forty  centuries  beheld  our 
actions — O  brilliant  sun,  who  shone  upon  our  armies 
at  Jaffa,  at  Naples,  Montebello,  Marengo,  Austerlitz, 
Jena,  and  Algiers,  who  blessed  our  endeavours,  who 
knowest  that  we  are  brave — brave  as  a  hundred  lions 
— look  down  on  Charles  Adolphe  Eugene,  and 
enable  him  to  massacre  and  immolate  on  the  altar  of 
his  wrath,  this  sacre-nom-de-Dieu'd  beastly  hog  of  an 
Englishman  " — and  thereupon  he  spit  upon  the  flags 
with  all  the  venom  of  a  viper. 


i8S   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Jorrocks,  too,  indulged  in  a  few  figures  of  speech, 
as  he  poked  his  way  home,  though  of  a  different 
description.  "  Now  blister  my  kidneys,"  said  he, 
slapping  his  thigh,  "but  I'll  sarve  him  out!  I'll 
baste  him  as  Randall  did  ugly  Borrock.  I'll  knock 
him  about  as  Belcher  did  the  Big  Ikey  Pigg.  I'll 
damage  his  mug  as  Turner  did  Scroggins'.  I'll  fib 
him  till  he's  as  black  as  Agamemnon — for  I  do  feel  as 
though  I  could  fight  a  few." 

The  massive  folding  doors  of  the  Porte-Cocher  at 
the  Hotel  d'Hollande  had  not  received  their  morning 
opening,  when  a  tremendous  loud,  long-protracted 
rat-tat-tat-tat-tan  sounded  like  thunder  throughout  the 
extensive  square,  and  brought  numerous  night-capped 
heads  to  the  windows,  to  see  whether  the  hotel  was 
on  fire,  or  another  revolution  had  broken  out.  The 
maitre  d'hotel  screamed,  the  porter  ran,  the  chef  de 
cuisine  looked  out  of  his  pigeon-hole  window,  and 
the  gargons  and  male  femme  des  chambres  rushed 
into  the  yard,  with  fear  and  astonishment  depicted  on 
their  countenances,  when,  on  peeping  through  the 
grating  of  the  little  door,  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  descried, 
knocker  in  hand,  about  to  sound  a  second  edition. 
Now,  nothing  is  more  offensive  to  the  nerves  of  a 
Frenchman  than  a  riotous  knock,  and  the  impertin- 
ence was  not  at  all  mitigated  by  its  proceeding  from 
a  stranger  who  appeared  to  have  arrived  through  the 
undignified  medium  of  a  co-cou.^  Having  scanned 
his  dimensions  and  satisfied  himself  that,  notwith- 
standing all  the  noise,  Jorrocks  was  mere  mortal  man, 
the  porter  unbolted  the  door,  and  commenced  a  loud 
and  energetic  tirade  of  abuse  against  "  Monsieur 
Anglais,"  for  his  audacious  thumping,  which  he  swore 
was  enough  to  make  every  man  of  the  National 
Guard  rush  "  to  arms." 

^  Co-cous  are  nondescript  vehicles  that  ply  in  the  environs  of 
Paris.  They  are  a  sort  of  cross  between  a  cab  and  a  young 
diligence. 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  189 

In  the  midst  of  the  torrent,  very  little  of  which 
Mr.  Jorrocks  understood,  the  Yorkshireman  appeared, 
whom  he  hurried  into  the  "co-cou,"  bundled  in  after 
him,  cried  "-alley!''  to  the  driver,  and  off  they  jolted 
at  a  miserable  slow  trot.  A  little  before  seven  they 
reached  the  village  of  Passy,  where  it  was  arranged 
they  should  meet  and  proceed  from  thence  to  the 
Bois  de  Boulogne,  to  select  a  convenient  place  for 
the  fight ;  but  neither  the  confectioner  nor  his  second, 
nor  anyone  on  his  behalf,  was  visible,  and  they 
walked  the  length  and  breadth  of  the  village,  making 
every  possible  inquiry  without  seeing  or  hearing  any- 
thing of  them.  At  length,  having  waited  a  couple 
of  hours,  Mr.  Jorrocks's  appetite  overpowered  his 
desire  for  revenge,  and  caused  him  to  retire  to  the 
Chapeau-Rouge  to  indulge  in  a  "fork  breakfast." 

Nature  being  satisfied,  he  called  for  pen  and  ink, 
and  with  the  aid  of  Mr.  Stubbs  drew  up  the  follow- 
ing proclamation,  which  to  this  day  remains  posted  in 
the  salle  k  manger,  a  copy  whereof  was  transmitted 
by  post  to  the  confectioner  at  Paris  : — 

"  Proclamation  ! 

"I,  John  Jorrocks,  of  Great  Coram  Street,  in  the 
County  of  Middlesex,  Member  of  the  Surrey  Hunt, 
in  England,  and  Colonel  of  the  army  when  I'm  in 
France,  having  been  grossly  insulted  by  Charles- 
Adolphe  Eugene  of  No.  15  bis.  Rue  Poupee,  Confec- 
tioner, this  day  repaired  to  Passy,  with  the  intention 
of  sarving  him  out  with  my  fists  ;  but,  neither  he  nor 
anyone  for  him  having  come  to  the  scratch,  I,  John 
Jorrocks,  do  hereby  proclaim  the  said  Charles 
Adolphe  Eugene  to  be  a  shabby  fellow  and  no 
soldier,  and  totally  unworthy  the  notice  of  a  fox- 
hunter  and  a  gentleman  sportsman. 

"(Signed)  John  Jorrocks. 

"(Countersigned)    Stubbs." 


igo   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

This  being  completed,  and  the  bill  paid,  they 
returned  leisurely  on  foot  to  Paris,  looking  first  at 
one  object,  then  at  another,  so  that  the  Countess 
Benvolio's  dinner-hour  was  passed  ere  they  reached 
the  Tuileries  gardens,  where  after  resting  themselves 
until  it  began  to  get  dusk,  and  their  appetites  returned, 
they  repaired  to  the  Cafe  da  Paris  to  destroy  them 
again.  The  lofty  well-gilded  salon  was  just  lighted 
up,  and  the  numberless  lamps  reflected  in  costly 
mirrors  in  almost  every  partition  of  the  wall,  aided  by 
the  graceful  figures  and  elegant  dresses  of  the  ladies, 
interspersed  among  the  sombre-coated  gentry  with  here 
and  there  the  gay  uniforms  of  the  military,  imparted 
a  fairy  air  to  the  scene,  which  was  not  a  little 
heightened  by  the  contrast  produced  by  Mr,  Jorrocks's 
substantial  figure  stumping  through  the  centre  with 
his  hat  on  his  head,  his  hands  behind  his  back,  and 
the  dust  of  the  day  hanging  about  his  Hessians. 

"  Gsixsoon"  said  he,  hanging  up  his  hat,  and  taking 
his  place  at  a  vacant  table  laid  for  two,  "ge  wouderai 
some  wittles,"  and,  accordingly,  the  spruce-jacketed, 
white-aproned  gar(;on  brought  him  the  usual  red- 
backed  book  with  gilt  edges,  cut  and  lettered  at  the 
side,  like  the  index  to  a  ledger,  and,  as  Mr.  Jorrocks 
said,  "containing  reading  enough  for  a  month." 
"Quel  potage  voulez-vous,  monsieur?"  inquired  the 
gargon  at  last,  tired  of  waiting  while  he  studied  the 
carte  and  looked  the  words  out  in  the  dictionary. 
"Avez-vous  any  potted  lobster?"  "Non,"  said  the 
gargon,  "  potage  au  vermicelle,  au  riz,  h.  la  Julienne, 
consomm^,  et  potage  aux  choux."  "  Old  shoe  !  who 
the  devil  do  you  think  eats  old  shoes  here  ?  Have 
you  any  mock-turtle  or  gravy  soup?"  "Non, 
monsieur,"  said  the  gargon,  with  a  shrug  of  the 
shoulders.  "Then  avez-vous  any  roast  beef?" 
"Non,  monsieur;  nous  avons  boeuf  au  naturel — 
bceuf  k  la  sauce  piquante — boeuf  aux  cornichons — 
bceuf  ^  la  mode — bceuf  aux  choux — boeuf  ^  la  sauce 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  191 

tomate — bifteck  aux  pommes  des  terres."  "  Hold 
hard,"  said  Jorrocks ;  "  I've  often  heard  that  you  can 
dress  an  egg  a  thousand  ways,  and  I  want  to  hear  no 
more  about  it ;  bring  me  a  beef-steak  and  pomme  de 
terres  for  three."  "  Stop  ! "  cried  Mr.  Stubbs,  with 
dismay — "I  see  you  don't  understand  ordering  a 
dinner  in  France — let  me  teach  you.  Where's  the 
carte?"  "Here,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "is  the  'bill  of 
lading,' "  handing  over  the  book.  "  Gar(^on,  apportez 
une  douzaine  des  huitres,  un  citron,  et  du  beurre 
frais,"  said  the  Yorkshireman,  and,  while  they  were 
discussing  the  propriety  of  eating  them  before  or  after 
the  soup,  a  beautiful  dish  of  little  green  oysters  made 
their  appearance,  which  were  encored  before  the  first 
supply  was  finished.  "  Now,  Colonel,"  said  the 
Yorkshireman,  "  take  a  bumper  of  Chablis,"  lifting  a 
pint  bottle  out  of  the  cooler.  "  It  has  had  one  plunge 
in  the  ice-pail  and  no  more — see  what  a  delicate  rind 
it  leaves  on  the  glass  ! "  —  eyeing  it  as  he  spoke. 
"Aye,  but  I'd  rayther  it  should  leave  something  in 
the  mouth  than  on  the  side  of  the  glass,"  replied  Mr. 
Jorrocks;  "I  loves  a  good  strong,  generous  wine — 
military  port,  in  fact — but  here  comes  fish  and  soup — 
wot  are  they  ? "  "  Filet  de  sole  au  gratin,  et  potage  au 
macaroni  avec  fromage  de  Parmesan.  I'll  take  fish 
first,  because  the  soup  will  keep  hot  longest."  "  So  will 
I,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "for  I  think  you  understand  the 
thing — but  they  seem  to  give  werry  small  penn'orths 
— it  really  looks  like  trifling  with  one's  appetite — I 
likes  the  old  joint — the  cut-and-come-again  system, 
such  as  we  used  to  have  at  Sugden's,  in  Cornhill — • 
joint,  wegitables,  and  cheese,  all  for  two  shillings." 
"  Don't  talk  of  your  joints  here,"  rejoined  the 
Yorkshireman — "  I  told  you  before,  you  don't  under- 
stand the  art  of  eating — the  dexterity  of  the  thing 
consists  in  titivating  the  appetite  with  delicate  morsels 
so  as  to  prolong  the  pleasure.  A  well-regulated 
French  dinner  lasts  two  hours,  whereas  you  go  off  at 


192   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

score,  and  take  the  shine  out  of  yourself  before  you 
turn  the  Tattenham  Corner  of  your  appetite.  But 
come,  take  another  glass  of  Chablis,  for  your  voice  is 
husky  as  though  your  throat  was  full  of  dust.  Will 
you  eat  some  of  this  boulli-vert  ? "  "  No,  not  no 
bouleward  for  me,  thank  ye."  "Well,  then,  we  will 
have  the  'entre'  de  boeuf — beef  with  sauce  tomate — 
and  there  is  a  cotelette  de  veau  en  papilotte ;  which 
will  you  take  ?  "  I'll  trouble  the  beef,  I  think  ;  I  don't 
like  that  ere  pantaloon  cutlet  much,  the  skin  is  so 
tough."  "  Oh,  but  you  don't  eat  the  paper,  man  ;  that 
is  only  put  on  to  keep  this  nice  layer  of  fat  ham  from 
melting ;  take  some,  if  it  is  only  that  you  may  enjoy  a 
glass  of  champagne  after  it.  There  is  no  meat  like  veal 
for  paving  the  way  for  a  glass  of  champagne."  "  Well,  I 
don't  care  if  I  do,  now  you  have  explained  how  to  eat 
it,  for  I've  really  been  troubled  with  indigestion  all 
day  from  eating  one  wholesale  yesterday;  but  don't 
you  stand  potatoes — pommes  des  /erres,  as  we  say  in 
France!"  '"Oh,  yes,  fried,  and  h.  la  maitre  d'hotel; 
here  they  come,  smoking  hot.  Now,  J.,  for  a  glass  of 
champagne — take  it  out  of  the  pail — nay,  man  !  not 
with  both  hands  round  the  middle,  unless  you  like  it 
warm — by  the  neck,  so,"  showing  him  how  to  do  it, 
and  pouring  him  out  a  glass  of  still  champagne.  "  This 
won't  do,"  said  Jorrocks,  holding  it  up  to  the  candle  ; 
"  garsoon  !  garsoon  1 — no  good — no  bon — no  fizzay, 
no  fizzay,"  giving  the  bottom  of  the  bottle  a  slap  to 
rouse  it.  "  Oh,  but  this  is  still  champagne,"  explained 
the  Yorkshireman,  "  and  far  the  best."  "  I  don't  think 
so,"  retorted  Mr.  Jorrocks,  emptying  the  glass  into  his 
water-stand.  "  Well,  then,  have  a  bottle  of  the  other," 
rejoined  the  Yorkshireman,  ordering  one.  "And 
who's  to  pay  for  it?"  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "Oh, 
never  mind  that — care  killed  the  cat — give  a  loose  to 
pleasure  for  once,  for  it's  a  poor  heart  that  never 
rejoices.  Here  it  comes,  and  '  may  you  never  know 
what  it  is  to  want,'  as  the  beggar   boys  say.     Now, 


MR.  JORROCKS  IN  PARIS  193 

let's  see  you  treat  it  like  a  philosopher — the  wire  is 
off,  so  you've  nothing  to  do  but  cut  the  string,  and 
press  the  cork  on  one  side  with  your  thumb — Nay ! 
you've  cut  both  sides  ! "  fizz — pop — bang,  and  away 
went  the  cork  close  past  the  ear  of  an  old  deaf  general, 
and  bounded  against  the  wall.  "  Come,  there's  no 
mischief  done,  so  pour  out  the  wine.  Your  good 
health,  old  boy,  may  you  live  for  a  thousand  years, 
and  I  be  there  to  count  them  !  Now,  that's  what  I 
call  good,"  observed  the  Yorkshireman,  holding  up 
his  glass,  "  see  how  it  dulls  the  glass,  even  to  the  rim 
— champagne  isn't  worth  a  copper  unless  it's  iced — 
is  it,  Colonel  ?  "  "  Vy,  I  don't  know — I  carn't  say  I 
like  it  so  werry  cold ;  it  makes  my  teeth  chatter,  and 
cools  my  courage  as  it  gets  below  —  champagne 
certainly  gives  one  werry  gentlemanly  ideas,  but  for  a 
continuance,  I  don't  know  but  I  should  prefer  mild 
h'ale."  "  You're  right,  old  boy,  it  does  give  one  very 
gentlemanly  ideas,  so  take  another  glass,  and  you'll 
fancy  yourself  an  emperor.  Your  good  health  again." 
"  The  same  to  you,  sir.  And  now  what  do  you  call 
this  chap  ?  "  "  That  is  a  quail  the  other  a  snipe — 
which  will  you  take  ?  "  "  Vy,  a  bit  of  both,  I  think ; 
and  do  you  eat  these  chaps  with  them  ? "  "  Yes, 
nothing  nicer — artichokes  h  la  sauce  blanche ;  you 
get  the  real  eating  part,  you  see,  by  having  them  sent 
up  this  way,  instead  of  like  haystacks,  as  they  come  in 
England,  diving  and  burning  your  fingers  amid  an 
infinity  of  leaves."  "They  are  werry  pretty  eating,  I 
must  confess  ;  and  this  upper  Binjimin  of  ham  the 
birds  are  cooked  in  is  delicious.  I'll  trouble  you  for 
another  plateful."  "That's  right.  Colonel,  you  are 
yourself  again ;  I  always  thought  you  would  come 
back  into  the  right  course.  And  now  you  are  good 
for  a  glass  of  claret  of  light  Hermitage.  Come,  buck 
up,  and  give  a  loose  to  pleasure  for  once."  "  For 
once,  aye,  that's  what  you  always  say ;  but  your  once 
comes  so  werry  often."  "  Say  no  more.  Gargon  ! 
13 


194  JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Une  demi-bouteille  de  St.  Julien ;  and  here,  J.,  is  a 
dish  upon  which  I  will  stake  my  credit  as  an  ex- 
perienced caterer — a  Charlotte  de  pommes — upon  my 
reputation  it  is  a  fine  one,  the  crust  is  browned  to  a 
turn,  and  the  rich  apricot  sweetmeat  lies  ensconced  in 
the  middle,  like  a  sleeping  babe  in  its  cradle.  If  ever 
man  deserved  a  peerage  and  a  pension,  it  is  this  cook." 
"  It's  werry  delicious— order  another."  "  Oh,  your 
eyes  are  bigger  than  your  stomach,  Mr.  J.  Accord- 
ing to  all  mathematical  calculation  this  will  more  than 
suffice.  Aye,  I  thought  so — you  are  regularly  at  a 
standstill.  Take  a  glass  of  whatever  you  like.  Good 
— I'll  drink  Chablis  to  your  champagne.  And  now, 
that  there  may  be  no  mistake  as  to  our  country,  we  will 
have  some  cheese — fromage  de  Roquefort,  Gruyere, 
Neufchatel,  or  whatever  you  like,  and  a  beaker  of 
Burgundy  after,  and  then  remove  the  cloth,  for  I  hate 
dabbling  in  dowlas  after  dinner  is  done." 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE 

"  "D  UM  beggars,  these  French,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  to 
J-^  himself,  laying  down  the  newspaper  and  taking 
a  sip  of  Churchman's  chocolate,  as  on  the  Sunday  morn- 
ing he  sat  with  the  Countess  Benvolio,  discussing  rolls 
and  butter,  with  Ga/ignani's  Messetiger,  for  breakfast. 
"Rum  beggars,  indeed,"  said  he,  resuming  the 
paper,  and  reading  the  programme  of  the  amusements 
for  the  day,  commencing  with  the  hour  of  Protestant 
service  at  the  Ambassador's  chapel,  followed  on  by 
Palace  and  Gallery  of  Pictures  of  the  Palais  Royal — 
Review  with  Military  Music  in  the  Place  du  Carousel 
— Horse-races  in  the  Champs  de  Mars — Fete  in  the 
Park  of  St.  Cloud — Combat  d'Animaux,  that  is  to 
say,  dog-fighting  and  bull-baiting,  at  the  Barri^re  du 
Combat,  Tivoli,  etc.,  etc.  "  It's  not  werry  right,  but 
I  suppose  at  Rome  we  must  do  as  Romans  do,"  with 
which  comfortable  reflection  Mr.  Jorrocks  proposed 
that  the  Countess  and  he  should  go  to  the  races. 
Madame  was  not  partial  to  animals  of  any  description, 
but  having  got  a  new  hat  and  feathers,  she  consented 
to  show  them,  on  condition  that  they  adjourned  to  the 
fete  at  St.  Cloud  in  the  evening. 

Accordingly,  about  noon,  the  ostler's  man  of  a 
neighbouring  English  livery  stable  drew  up  a  dark- 
coloured  job  cab,  with  a  red-and-white  striped  calico 
lining,  drawn  by  a  venerable  long-backed  white  horse, 
at  the  Countess's  gateway  in  the  Rue  des  Mauvais- 
Gar^ons,  into  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  having  handed  her 
ladyship,  and  Agamemnon,  who  was  attired  in  his 
chasseur  uniform,  having  climbed  up  behind,  the  old 
horse,  after  two  or  three  flourishes  of  his  dirty  white 
tail,  as  a  sort  of  acknowledgement  of  the  whip  on  his 

196 


196   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

sides,  got  himself  into  motion,  and  proceeded  on  his 
way  to  the  races.  The  Countess,  being  resolved  to 
cut  a  dash,  had  persuaded  our  hero  to  add  a  smart 
second-hand  cocked  hat,  with  a  flowing  red-and-white 
feather,  to  the  rest  of  his  military  attire  ;  and  the  end  of 
a  scarlet  handkerchief,  peeping  out  at  the  breast  of 
his  embroidered  frock-coat,  gave  him  the  appearance 
of  wearing  a  decoration,  and  procured  him  the  usual 
salute  from  the  soldiers  and  veterans  of  the  Hospital 
of  Invalids,  who  were  lounging  about  the  ramparts  and 
walks  of  the  edifice.  The  Countess's  costume  was 
simple  and  elegant;  a  sky-blue  satin  pelisse  with  boots 
to  match,  and  a  white  satin  bonnet  with  white  feathers 
tipped  with  blue,  and  delicate  primrose-coloured  gloves. 
Of  course  the  head  of  the  cab  was  well  thrown  back 
to  exhibit  the  elegant  inmates  to  the  world. 

Great  respect  is  paid  to  the  military  in  France,  as 
Mr.  Jorrocks  found  by  all  the  hack  cab  and  fiacre 
drivers  pulling  up  and  making  way  for  him  to  pass,  as 
the  old  crocodile-backed  white  horse  slowly  dragged 
its  long  length  to  the  gateway  of  the  Champ  de  Mars. 
Here  the  guard,  both  horse  and  foot,  saluted  him, 
which  he  politely  acknowledged,  under  direction  of  the 
Countess,  by  raising  his  chapeau  bras,  and  a  subaltern 
was  despatched  by  the  officer  in  command  to  conduct 
him  to  the  place  appointed  for  the  carriages  to  stand. 
But  for  this  piece  of  attention  Mr.  Jorrocks  would 
certainly  have  drawn  up  at  the  splendid  building  of 
the  Ecole  Militaire,  standing  as  it  does  like  a  grand 
stand  in  the  centre  of  the  gravelly  dusty  plain  of 
Champ  de  Mars.  The  officer,  having  speared  his  way 
through  the  crowd  with  the  usual  courtesy  of  a  French- 
man, at  length  drew  up  the  cab  in  a  long  line  of 
anonymous  vehicles  under  the  rows  of  stunted  elms 
by  the  stone-lined  ditch,  on  the  southern  side  of  the 
plain,  when,  turning  his  charger  round,  he  saluted  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  and  bumped  off  at  a  trot.  Mr.  Jorrocks  then 
stuck  the  pig-driving  whip  into  the  socket,  and,  throw- 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  197 

ing  forward  the  apron,  handed  out  the  Countess,  and 
installed  Agamemnon  in  the  cab. 

A  fine  day  and  a  crowd  make  the  French  people 
thoroughly  happy,  and  on  this  afternoon  the  sun  shone 
brightly  and  warmly  on  the  land ; — still  there  was  no 
apparently  settled  purpose  for  the  assembling  of  the 
multitude,  who  formed  themselves  in  groups  upon  the 
plain,  or  lined  the  grass-burnt  mounds  at  the  side, 
in  most  independent  parties.  The  Champ  de  Mars 
forms  a  regular  parallelogram  of  2700  feet  by  1320,  and 
the  course,  which  is  of  an  oblong  form,  comprises  a 
circuit  of  the  whole,  and  is  marked  out  with  strong 
posts  and  ropes.  Within  the  course,  equestrians — or 
more  properly  speaking,  "  men  on  horseback  "—are 
admitted  under  the  surveillance  of  a  regiment  of 
cavalry,  while  infantry  and  cavalry  are  placed  in  all 
directions  with  drawn  swords  and  fixed  bayonets  to 
preserve  order.  Being  a  gravelly,  sandy  soil,  in  almost 
daily  requisition  for  the  exercise  and  training  of  troops, 
no  symptoms  of  vegetation  can  be  expected,  and  the 
course  is  as  hard  as  the  ride  in  Rotten  Row  or  up  to 
Kensington  Gardens. 

About  the  centre  of  the  south  side,  near  where  the 
carriages  were  drawn  up,  a  few  temporary  stands  were 
erected  for  the  royal  family  and  visitors,  the  stand  for 
the  former  being  in  the  centre,  and  hung  with  scarlet 
and  gold  cloth,  while  the  others  were  tastefully  arranged 
with  tri-coloured  drapery.  These  are  entered  by 
tickets  only,  but  there  are  always  plenty  of  platforms 
formed  by  tables  and  "chaises  a  louer"  (chairs  to  let) 
for  those  who  don't  mind  risking  their  necks  for  a 
sight.  Some  few  itinerants  tramped  about  the  plain, 
offering  alternately  tooth-picks,  play-bills,  and  race-lists 
for  sale.  Mr.  Jorrocks  of  course  purchased  one  of  the 
latter,  which  was  decorated  at  the  top  with  a  woodcut, 
representing  three  jockeys  riding  two  horses,  one  with 
a  whip  as  big  as  a  broadsword.  AVe  subjoin  the  list 
as  a  specimen  of  "  Sporting  in  France  "  : — 


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I    S  E 


200   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Foreigners  accuse  the  English  of  claiming  every 
good-looking  horse,  and  every  well-built  carriage,  met 
on  the  continent,  as  their  own,  but  we  think  that  few 
would  be  ambitious  of  laying  claim  to  the  honour 
of  supplying  France  with  jockeys  or  race-horses.  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  indeed,  indifferent  as  he  is  to  the  affairs 
of  the  turf,  could  not  suppress  his  "  conwiction "  of 
the  difference  between  the  flibberty-gibberty  appear- 
ance of  the  Frenchmen,  and  the  quiet,  easy,  close- 
sitting  jockeys  of  Newmarket.  The  former  all  legs 
and  elbows,  spurting  and  pushing  to  the  front  at 
starting,  in  tawdry,  faded  jackets,  and  nankeen  shorts, 
just  like  the  frowsy  door  -  keepers  of  an  Epsom 
gambling- booth ;  the  latter  in  clean,  neat -fitting 
leathers,  well-cleaned  boots,  spick  and  span  new 
jackets,  feeling  their  horses'  mouths,  quietly  in  the 
rear,  with  their  whip  hands  resting  on  their  thighs. 
Then  such  riding !  A  hulking  Norman  with  his 
knees  up  to  his  chin,  and  a  long,  lean,  half-starved 
looking  Frenchman  set  astride  like  a  pair  of  tongs, 
with  a  wet  sponge  applied  to  his  knees  before  starting, 
followed  by  a  runaway  English  stable  lad,  in  white 
cords  and  drab  gaiters,  and  half  a  dozen  others 
equally  singular,  spurring  and  tearing  round  and 
round,  throwing  the  gravel  and  sand  into  each  other's 
faces,  until  the  field  was  so  separated  as  to  render  it 
difficult  to  say  which  was  leading  and  which  was 
tailing,  for  it  is  one  of  the  rules  of  their  races,  that 
each  heat  must  be  run  in  a  certain  time,  consequently, 
though  all  the  horses  may  be  distanced,  the  winner 
keeps  working  away.  Then  what  an  absence  of 
interest  and  enthusiasm  on  the  part  of  the  spectators  ! 
Three-fourths  of  them  did  not  know  where  the  horses 
started,  scarcely  a  man  knew  their  names,  and  the 
few  ten  penny  bets  that  were  made,  were  sported  upon 
the  colour  of  the  jackets.  A  Frenchman  has  no 
notion  of  racing,  and  it  is  on  record  that  after  a  heat 
in  which  the  winning  horse,  after  making  a  waiting 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  201 

race,  ran  in  at  the  finish,  a  Parisian  observed,  that 
"  although  '  Annette '  had  won  at  the  finish,  he 
thought  the  greater  honour  was  due  to  '  Hercule,' 
he  having  kept  the  lead  the  greater  part  of  the  dis- 
tance." On  someone  explaining  to  him  that  the 
jockey  on  "Annette"  had  purposely  made  a  waiting 
race,  he  was  totally  incredulous,  asserting  that  he 
was  sure  the  jockeys  had  too  much  amour propre  to 
remain  in  the  rear  at  any  part  of  the  race,  when  they 
might  be  in  front.^ 

"Moderate  sport,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  himself, 
curling  his  mustachios,  and  jingling  a  handful  of  five- 
franc  pieces  in  the  pocket  of  his  leathers, — "  moderate 
sport  indeed,"  and  therefore  he  turned  his  back  to  the 
course  and  walked  the  Countess  off  towards  the  cab. 

From  beneath  a  low,  tenth-rate  looking  booth, 
called  "The  Cottage  of  Content,"  supported  by  poles 
placed  on  the  stunted  trees  of  the  avenue,  and  ex- 
hibiting on  a  blue  board,  "John  Jones,  dealer  in 
British  beer,"  in  gilt  letters,  there  issued  the  sound 
of  voices  clamouring  about  odds  and  weights  and 
scales ;  and  on  looking  in,  a  score  of  ragamuffin-look- 
ing grooms,  imitation  jockeys,  and  the  usual  hangers- 
on  of  race-horses  and  livery-stables,  were  seen  drinking 
beer,  smoking,  playing  at  cards,  dice,  and  chuck- 
farthing.  Before  the  well-patched  canvas  curtain  that 
flapped  before  the  entrance,  a  crowd  had  collected 
round  one  of  the  horses  which  was  in  the  care  of  five 
or  six  fellows,  one  to  hold  him,  another  to  whistle  to 
him,  a  third  to  whisk  the  flies  away  with  a  horse's 
tail,  a  fourth  to  scrape  him,  a  fifth  to  rinse  his  mouth 
out, — while  the  stud-groom,  a  tall,  gaunt,  hairy-looking 
fellow,  in  his  shirt  sleeves,  with  ear-rings,  a  blue 
apron  and  trousers  (more  like  a  gardener  than  a 
groom),  walked  round  and  round  with  mystified 
dignity,  sacreing  and  muttering,  "  Ne  parlez  pas,  ne 
parlez  pas,"  as  anyone  approached  who  seemed  likely 
^  New  Sporting  Magazine,  vol.  vii.  p.  139. 


202    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

to  ask  questions.  Mr.  Jorrocks,  having  well  ascer- 
tained the  importance  of  his  hat  and  feather,  pushed 
his  way  with  the  greatest  coolness  into  the  ring,  just 
to  cast  his  eye  over  the  horse  and  see  whether  he 
was  fit  to  go  with  the  Surrey,  and  the  stud-groom 
immediately  took  off  his  lavender-coloured  foraging 
cap,  and  made  two  profound  salaams,  one  to  the 
Colonel,  the  other  to  the  Countess.  Mr  Jorrocks, 
all  politeness,  took  off  his  chapeau,  and  no  sooner 
was  it  in  the  air,  than  with  a  wild  exclamation  of 
surprise  and  delight,  the  groom  screamed,  "O 
Monsieur  Shorrock,  mon  ami  comment  vous  portez- 
vous?"  threw  his  arms  round  the  Colonel's  neck, 
and  kissed  him  on  each  cheek. 

"  Hold  ! "  roared  the  Colonel,  half  smothered  in 
the  embrace,  and,  disengaging  himself,  he  drew  back 
a  few  paces,  putting  his  hand  on  the  hilt  of  his  sword, 
when  in  the  training  groom  of  Paris  he  recognized 
his  friend  the  Baron  of  Newmarket.  The  abruptness 
of  the  incident  disarmed  Mr.  Jorrocks  of  reflection, 
and  being  a  man  of  impulse  and  warm  affections,  he 
at  once  forgave  the  novelty  of  the  embrace,  and  most 
cordially  joined  hands  with  those  of  his  friend.  They 
then  struck  up  a  mixture  of  broken  English,  and 
equally  broken  French,  in  mutual  inquiries  after  each 
other's  healths  and  movements,  and  presuming  that 
Mr.  Jorrocks  was  following  up  the  sporting  trade  in 
Paris,  the  Baron  most  considerately  gave  him  his 
best  recommendations  which  horse  to  back,  kindly 
betting  with  him  himself,  but,  unfortunately,  at  each 
time  assigning  Mr.  Jorrocks  the  losing  horse.  At 
length,  being  completely  cleaned  out,  he  declined 
any  further  transactions,  and  having  got  the  Countess 
into  the  cab,  was  in  the  act  of  climbing  in  himself, 
when  someone  took  him  by  the  sword  as  he  was 
hoisting  himself  up  by  the  wooden  apron,  and  drew 
him  back  to  the  ground.  "  Holloa,  Stubbs,  my  boy  ! " 
cried  he,   "I'm  werry  'appy  to  see  ye,"  holding  out 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  203 

his  hand,  and  thereupon  Mr.  Stubbs  took  off  his  hat 
to  the  Countess.     "  Well,  now,  the  deuce  be  in  these 
French,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  confidentially,  in  an 
undertone,  as,  resigning  the  reins  to  Agamemnon,  he 
put  his  arm  through  the  Yorkshireman's,  and  drew 
out  of  hearing  of  the  Countess  behind  the  cab — "  the 
deuce  be  in  them,  I  say.     There's  that  beggarly  Baron 
as  we  met  at  Newmarket,  has  just  diddled  me  out 
of  four  naps  and  a  half,  by  getting  me  to  back  'osses 
that  he  said  were  certain  to  win,  and  I  really  don't 
know  how  we  are  to  make  '  tongue  and  buckle '  meet, 
as  the  coachmen  say.     Somehow  or  other  they  are 
far  too  sharp  for  me.     Cards,  dominoes,  dice,  back- 
gammon,  and  racing,  all  one — they  inwariably  beat 
me,  and  I  declare  I  haven't  as  much  pewter  as  will 
coach  me   to    Calais."     The   Yorkshireman,  as  may 
be  supposed,  was  not   in   a   condition   to   offer  any 
great  pecuniary  assistance ;   but  after  a  turn  or  two 
along  the  mound,  he  felt  it  would  be  a  reproach  on 
his  country,  if  he  suffered  his  friend  to  be  done  by  a 
Frenchman,  and  on  consideration    he   thought  of  a 
trick  that  Monsieur  would  not  be  up  to.     Accordingly 
desiring  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  take  him  to  the  Baron,  and 
behave  with  great  cordiality,  and  agree  to  the  proposal 
he  should  make,  they  set  off  in  search  of  that  worthy, 
who,    after    some    trouble,    they   discovered    in    the 
"Cottage  of  Content,"  entertaining  John  Jones  and 
his  comrades  with  an  account  of  the  manner  in  which 
he  had  fleeced  Monsieur  Shorrock.     The  Yorkshire- 
man  met  him  with  the  greatest  delight,  shook  hands 
with  him  over  and  over  again,  and  then  began  talking 
about  racing,  pigeon-shooting,  and  Newmarket,  pre- 
tended to  be  full  of  money  and  very  anxious  for  the 
Baron's  advice  in  laying  it  out.     On  hearing  this,  the 
Baron  beckoned  him   to   retire,  and  joining  him  in 
the   avenue,   walked   him   up   and   down,    while   he 
recommended  his  backing  a  horse  that  was  notoriously 
amiss.      The   Yorkshireman   consented,    lost   a   nap 


204   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

with  great  good  humour,  and  banteringly  told  the 
Baron  he  thought  he  could  beat  the  horse  on  foot. 
This  led  them  to  talk  of  foot-racing,  and  at  last  the 
Yorkshireman  offered  to  bet  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  would 
run  fifty  yards  with  him  on  his  back  before  the  Baron 
would  run  a  hundred.  Upon  this  the  Baron  scratched 
his  head  and  looked  very  knowing,  pretended  to 
make  a  calculation,  when  the  Yorkshireman  affected 
fear,  and  professed  his  readiness  to  withdraw  the  offer. 
The  Baron  then  plucked  up  his  courage,  and  after 
some  haggling,  the  match  was  made  for  six  naps,  the 
Yorkshireman  reckoning  the  Baron  might  have  ten 
francs  in  addition  to  what  he  had  won  of  Mr.  Jorrocks 
and  himself  The  money  was  then  deposited  in  the 
hands  of  the  Countess  Benvolio,  and  away  went  the 
trio  to  the  "Cottage  of  Content,"  to  get  men  and 
ropes  to  measure  and  keep  the  ground.  The  English 
jockeys  and  lads,  though  ready  enough  to  pigeon  a 
countryman  themselves,  have  no  notion  of  assisting 
a  foreigner  to  do  so,  unless  they  share  in  the  spoil, 
and  the  Baron  being  a  notorious  screw,  they  all 
seemed  heartily  glad  to  find  him  in  a  trap.  Out 
then  they  all  sallied,  amid  cheers  and  shouts,  while 
John  Jones,  with  a  yard-wand  in  his  hand,  proceeded 
to  measure  a  hundred  yards  along  the  low  side  of  the 
mound.  This  species  of  amusement  being  far  more 
in  accordance  with  the  taste  of  the  French  than  any- 
thing in  which  horses  are  concerned,  an  immense 
mob  flocked  to  the  scene,  and  the  Baron  having 
explained  how  it  was,  and  being  considered  a  safe 
man  to  follow,  numerous  offers  were  made  to  bet 
against  the  performance  of  the  match.  The  York- 
shireman, being  a  youth  of  discretion  and  accustomed 
to  bet  among  strangers,  got  on  five  naps  more  with 
different  parties,  who,  to  "prevent  accidents,"  sub- 
mitted to  deposit  the  money  with  the  Countess,  and 
all  things  being  adjusted,  and  the  course  cleared  by 
a  picket  of  infantry,  Mr.  Jorrocks  ungirded  his  sword 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  205 

and  depositing  it  with  his  frock  -  coat  in  the  cab, 
walked  up  to  the  fifty  yards  he  was  to  have  for  start. 
"Now,  Colonel,"  said  the  Yorkshireman,  backing  him 
to  the  mound,  so  that  he  might  leap  on  without 
shaking  him,  "put  your  best  leg  first,  and  it's  a  hollow 
thing;  "if  you  don't  fall,  you  must  wi'm" — and  there- 
upon taking  Mr.  Jorrocks's  cocked  hat  and  feather 
from  his  head,  he  put  it  sideways  on  his  own,  so  that 
he  might  not  be  recognized,  and  mounted  his  man. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  then  took  his  place  as  directed  by  John 
Jones,  and  at  a  signal  from  him — the  dropping  of  a 
blue  cotton  handkerchief — away  they  started  amid 
the  shouts,  the  clapping  of  hands,  and  applause  of 
the  spectators,  who  covered  the  mound  and  lined 
the  course  on  either  side.  Mr.  Jorrocks's  action  was 
not  very  capital,  his  jack-boots  and  leathers  rather 
impeding  his  limbs,  while  the  Baron  had  as  little  on 
him  as  decency  would  allow.  The  Yorkshireman 
feeling  his  man  rather  roll  at  the  start,  again  cautioned 
him  to  take  it  easy,  and  after  a  dozen  yards  he  got 
into  a  capital  run,  and  though  the  lanky  Baron  came 
tearing  along  like  an  ill-fed  greyhound,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
had  full  two  yards  to  spare,  and  ran  past  the  soldier, 
who  stood  with  his  cap  on  his  bayonet  as  a  winning- 
post,  amid  the  applause  of  his  backers,  the  yells  of 
his  opponents,  and  the  general  acclamation  of  the 
spectators. 

The  Countess,  anticipating  the  victory  of  her  hero, 
had  despatched  Agamemnon  early  in  the  day  for  a 
chaplet  of  red  and  yellow  immortelles,  and  having 
switched  the  old  cab  horse  up  to  the  winning-post, 
she  gracefully  descended,  without  showing' more  of 
her  foot  and  ankle  than  was  strictly  correct,  and 
decorated  his  brow  with  the  wreath,  as  the  Yorkshire- 
man  dismounted.  Enthusiasm  being  always  the 
order  of  the  day  in  France,  this  act  was  greeted  with 
the  loudest  acclamations,  and,  without  giving  him 
time   to    recover    his   wind,    the   populace   bundled 


2o6   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Mr.  Jorrocks  neck  and  shoulders  into  the  cab,  and, 
seizing  the  old  horse  by  the  head,  paraded  him  down 
the  entire  length  of  the  Champ  de  Mars,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
bowing  and  kissing  his  hands  to  the  assembled 
multitude,  in  return  for  the  vivas !  the  clapping  of 
hands,  and  the  waving  of  ribbons  and  handkerchiefs 
that  greeted  him  as  he  went. 

Popularity  is  but  a  fickle  goddess,  and  in  no 
country  more  fickle  than  in  France.  Ere  the  pro- 
cession reached  the  end  of  the  dusty  plain,  the  mob 
had  tailed  off  very  considerably,  and  as  the  leader 
of  the  old  white  horse  pulled  him  round  to  return, 
a  fresh  commotion  in  the  distance,  caused  by  the 
apprehension  of  a  couple  of  pickpockets,  drew  away 
the  few  followers  that  remained,  and  the  recently- 
applauded  and  belauded  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  left  alone 
m  his  glory.  He  then  pulled  up,  and  taking  the 
chaplet  of  inwiortelles  from  his  brow,  thrust  it  under 
the  driving  cushion  of  the  cab,  and  proceeded  to 
reinstate  himself  in  his  tight  military  frock,  regird 
himself  with  his  sword,  and  resume  the  cocked  hat 
and  feather. 

Nothing  was  too  good  for  Mr.  Stubbs  at  that 
moment,  and,  had  a  pen  and  ink  been  ready,  Mr. 
Jorrocks  would  have  endorsed  him  a  bill  for  any 
amount.  Having  completed  his  toilette,  he  gave 
the  Yorkshireman  the  vacant  seat  in  the  cab,  flopped 
the  old  horse  well  about  the  ears  with  the  pig-driving 
whip,  and  trotted  briskly  up  the  line  he  had  recently 
passed  in  triumphal  procession,  and  wormed  his  way 
among  the  crowd  in  search  of  the  Countess.  There 
was  nothing,  however,  to  be  seen  of  her,  and  after 
driving  about,  and  poking  his  way  on  foot  into  all  the 
crowds  he  could  find,  bolting  up  to  every  lady  in 
blue,  he  looked  at  his  great  double-cased  gold  repeater, 
and  finding  it  was  near  three  o'clock  and  recollecting 
the  fete  of  St.  Cloud,  concluded  her  ladyship  must 
have   gone   on,    and  Agamemnon,  being  anxious  to 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  207 

see  it,  of  course  was  of  the  same  opinion,  so  again 
flopping  the  old  horse  about  the  ears,  he  cut  away 
down  the  Champ  de  Mars,  and,  by  the  direction  of 
Agamemnon,  crossed  the  Seine  by  the  Pont  des 
Invalides,  and  gained  the  route  to  Versailles. 

Here  the  genius  of  the  people  was  apparent,  for 
the  road  swarmed  with  voitures  of  every  description, 
diligences,  gondoles,  co-cous,  cabs,  fiacres,  omnibuses, 
dame-blanches,  all  rolling  and  rumbling  along,  occa- 
sionally interrupted  by  the  lilting  and  tilting  of  a  light 
English  cab  or  tilbury,  drawn  by  a  thorough-bred,  and 
driven  by  a  dandy.  The  spirit  of  the  old  white  horse 
even  seemed  roused,  as  he  got  among  the  carriages, 
and  heard  the  tramping  of  hoofs  and  the  jingling  of 
bells  round  the  necks  of  other  horses,  and  he  applied 
himself  to  the  shafts  with  a  vigour  his  enfeebled- 
looking  frame  appeared  incapable  of  supplying.  So 
they  trotted  on,  and  after  a  mile  travelling  at  a  foot's 
pace  after  they  got  into  close  line,  they  reached  the 
porte  Maillot,  and,  resigning  the  cab  to  the  discretion 
of  Agamemnon,  Mr.  Jorrocks  got  himself  brushed 
over  by  one  of  the  gentry  who  ply  in  that  profession 
at  all  public  places,  and  tucking  his  sword  under  one 
arm,  he  thrust  the  other  through  Mr.  Stubbs's,  and, 
John-BuU-like,  strutted  up  the  long  broad  grass 
avenue,  through  the  low  part  of  the  wood  of  St.  Cloud, 
as  if  all  he  saw  belonged  to  himself.  The  scene 
was  splendid,  and  nature,  art,  and  the  weather 
appeared  confederated  for  effect.  On  the  lofty 
heights  arose  the  stately  palace,  looking  down  with 
placid  grandeur  on  the  full  foliage  of  the  venerable 
trees,  over  the  beautiful  gardens,  the  spouting 
fountains,  the  rushing  cascades,  and  the  gay  and 
countless  myriads  that  swarmed  the  avenues,  while 
the  circling  river  flowed  calmly  on,  without  a  ripple 
on  its  surface,  as  if  in  ridicule  of  the  sound  of 
trumpets,  the  clang  of  cymbals,  and  the  beat  of  drums 
that  rent  the  air  around. 


2o8   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

Along  the  broad  avenue  were  ranged  shows  of 
every  description  —  wild  beasts,  giants,  jugglers, 
tumblers,  mountebanks,  and  monsters,  while  in  spots 
sheltered  from  the  sun  by  lofty  trees  were  dancing 
places,  swings,  round-abouts,  archery-butts,  pistol- 
ranges,  ball-kicking,  and  head-thumping  places, 
montagnes-Suisses,  all  the  concomitants  of  fairs  and 
fetes  —  beating  "  Bartlemy-fair,"  as  Mr.  Jorrocks 
candidly  confessed,  all  to  nothing. 

The  chance  of  meeting  the  Countess  Benvolio  in 
such  a  multitude  was  very  remote  indeed,  but,  to 
tell  the  truth,  Mr.  Jorrocks  never  once  thought 
of  her,  until  having  eat  a  couple  of  cold  fowls  and 
drunk  a  bottle  of  porter,  at  an  English  booth,  he 
felt  in  his  pocket  for  his  purse,  and  remembered  it 
was  in  her  keeping.  Mr.  Stubbs,  however,  settled  the 
account,  and  in  high  glee  Mr.  Jorrocks  resumed  his 
peregrinations,  visiting  first  one  show,  then  another, 
shooting  with  pea-guns,  then  dancing  a  quadrille, 
until  he  was  brought  up  short,  before  a  splendid 
green  and  gold  round-about,  whose  magic  circle 
contained  two  lions,  two  swans,  two  black  horses, 
a  tiger,  and  a  giraffe.  "  Let's  have  a  ride,"  said  he, 
jumping  on  to  one  of  the  black  horses,  and  adjusting 
the  stirrups  to  his  length.  The  party  was  soon 
made  up,  and  as  the  last  comer  crossed  his  tiger,  the 
engine  was  propelled  by  the  boys  in  the  centre,  and 
away  they  went  at  Derby  pace.  In  six  rounds  Mr. 
Jorrocks  lost  his  head,  turned  completely  giddy,  and 
bellowed  out  to  them  to  stop.  They  took  no  heed — 
all  the  rest  were  used  to  it — and,  after  divers  yells 
and  ineffectual  efforts  to  dismount,  he  fell  to  the 
ground  like  a  sack.  The  machine  was  in  full  work 
at  the  time,  and  swept  round  three  or  four  times 
before  they  could  stop  it.  At  last  Mr.  Stubbs  got 
to  him,  and  a  pitiful  plight  he  was  in.  He  had 
fallen  on  his  head,  broken  his  feather,  crushed  his 
"  chapeau  bras,"  lost  his  mustachios,  was  as  pale  as 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  209 

death,  and  very  sick.  Fortunately  the  accident 
happened  near  the  gate  leading  to  the  town  of  St. 
Cloud,  and  thither,  with  the  aid  of  two  gendarmes, 
Mr.  Stubbs  conveyed  the  fallen  hero,  and  having 
put  him  to  bed  at  the  Hotel  d'Angleterre,  he  sent 
for  a  "  mddecin,"  who  of  course  shook  his  head, 
looked  very  wise,  ordered  him  to  drink  warm  water — 
a  never-failing  specific  in  France — and  keep  quiet. 
Finding  he  had  an  Englishman  for  a  patient,  the 
"  mt^decin "  dropped  in  every  two  hours,  always 
concluding  with  the  order  "  encore  I'eau  chaud." 
A  good  sleep  did  more  for  Mr.  Jorrocks  than  the 
doctor,  and  when  the  "  m(5decin "  called  in  the 
morning,  and  repeated  the  injunction  "  encore  I'eau 
chaud,"  he  bellowed  out,  "  Cuss  your  I'eau  chaud,  my 
stomach  arn't  a  reserwoir  !  give  me  some  wittles  !  " 
The  return  of  his  appetite  being  a  most  favourable 
symptom,  Mr.  Stubbs  discharged  the  doctor,  and 
forthwith  ordered  a  "  dejeuner  h.  la  fourchette,"  to 
which  Mr.  Jorrocks  did  pretty  fair  justice,  though 
trifling  in  comparison  with  his  usual  performances. 
They  then  got  into  a  Versailles  diligence  that  stopped 
at  the  door,  and,  rattling  along  at  a  merry  pace, 
very  soon  reached  Paris  and  the  Rue  des  Mauvais- 
Gar(jons. 

"  Come  up  and  see  the  Countess,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
as  they  arrived  at  the  bottom  of  the  dirty  flight  of 
stairs,  and,  with  his  hands  behind  his  back  and  his 
sword  dragging  at  his  heels,  he  poked  upstairs,  and, 
opening  the  outer  door,  entered  the  apartment.  He 
passed  through  the  small  ante-room,  without  observ- 
ing his  portmanteau  and  carpet-bag  on  the  table, 
and  there  being  no  symptoms  of  the  Countess  in 
the  next  one,  he  walked  forward  into  the  bedroom 
beyond. 

Before  an  English  fireplace  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  him- 
self had  been  at  the  expense  of  providing,  snugly 
ensconced  in  the  luxurious  depths  of  a  well-cushioned 
14 


2IO  JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

easy-chair  sat  a  monstrous  man  with  a  green  patch  on 
his  right  eye,  in  slippers,  loose  hose,  a  dirty  grey 
woollen  dressing-gown  and  black  silk  nightcap,  puff- 
ing away  at  a  long  meerschaum  pipe,  with  a  figure  of 
Bacchus  on  the  bowl.  At  a  sight  so  unexpected,  Mr. 
Jorrocks  started  back,  but  the  smoker  seemed  quite 
unconcerned,  and,  casting  an  unmeaning  grey  eye  at 
the  intruder,  puffed  a  long-drawn  respiration  from  his 
mouth. 

"  How  now  ! "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  boiling  into  a 
rage,  which  caused  the  monster  to  start  upon  his  legs 
as  though  he  were  galvanized,  "  Vot  brings  you 
here  ?  " 

"Sprechen  sie  Deutsch?"  responded  the  smoker, 
opening  his  eye  a  little  wider,  and  taking  the  pipe 
from  his  mouth.  "  Speak  English,  you  fool !  "  bawled 
Mr.  Jorrocks.  "Sie  sind  sehr  unverschamt "  (you 
are  very  impudent),  replied  the  Dutchman,  with 
a  thump  on  the  table.  "I'll  run  you  through 
the  gizzard ! "  rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks,  half  draw- 
ing his  sword, — "skin  you  alive,  in  fact!"  when 
in  rushed  the  Countess  and  threw  herself  between 
them. 

Now,  Mynheer  Van  Rosembom,  a  burgomaster  of 
Flushing,  was  an  old  friend  of  the  Countess's,  and  an 
exceedingly  good  paying  one,  and  having  cast  up  that 
morning  quite  unexpectedly  by  the  early  diligence 
from  Dunkirk,  and  the  Countess  being  enraged  at 
Mr.  Jorrocks  for  not  sharing  the  honours  of  his  pro- 
cession in  the  cab  on  the  previous  day,  and  believing, 
moreover,  that  his  treasury  was  pretty  well  exhausted, 
thought  she  could  not  do  better  than  instal  Rosembom 
in  his  place,  and  retain  the  stakes  she  held  for  the 
Colonel's  board  and  lodging. 

This  arrangement  she  kept  to  herself,  simply  giving 
Rosembom,  who  was  a  not  much  better  Frenchman 
than  Col.  Jorrocks,  to  understand  that  the  room 
would   be   ready  for   him   shortly,  and  Agamemnon 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  211 

was  ordered  to  bundle  Mr.  Jorrocks's  clothes  into  his 
portmanteau  and  bag,  and  place  them  in  readiness  in 
the  ante-room.  Rosembom,  fatigued  with  his  journey, 
then  retired  to  enjoy  his  pipe  at  his  ease,  while  the 
Countess  went  to  the  Marche  St.  Honore  to  buy 
some  sour  crout,  roast  beef,  and  prunes  for  his 
dinner. 

"Turn  this  great  slush  bucket  out  of  my  room  !" 
cried  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  the  Countess  rushed  into  his 
apartment.     "  Vot's  he  doing  here  ?  " 

"  Doucement,  mon  cher  Colonel,"  said  she,  clap- 
ping him  on  the  back,  "he  sail  be  my  brodder." 

'■'■  Never  such  a  thi?ig!'"  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  eyeing 
him  as  he  spoke.  ^^  Never  such  a  thing!  no  more 
than  myself — out  with  him,  I  say,  or  I'll  cut  my  stick 
— toute  suite — directly  !  " 

"  Avec  tout  mon  cceur  ! "  replied  the  Countess,  her 
choler  rising  as  she  spoke.  "You're  another,"  re- 
joined Mr.  Jorrocks,  judging  by  her  manner  that  she 
called  him  something  offensive — "Vous  etes  one 
mauvaise  woman  !"  ^^  Afotisieur"  said  the  Countess, 
her  eyes  flashing  as  she  spoke,  "  vous  etes  un  polisson  ! 
— von  rascal ! — von  dem  villain  ! — un  charlatan  ! — 
von  nasty — bastely — ross  bif ! — dem  dog,"  and  there- 
upon she  curled  her  fingers  and  set  her  teeth  on  edge 
as  though  she  would  tear  his  very  eyes  out.  Rosem- 
bom, though  he  didn't  exactly  see  the  merits  of  the 
matter,  exchanged  his  pipe  for  the  poker, — so  what 
with  this,  the  sword,  and  the  nails,  things  wore  a 
very  belligerent  aspect. 

Mr.  Stubbs,  as  usual,  interposed,  and  the  Countess, 
still  keeping  up  the  semblance  of  her  rage,  ordered 
them  to  quit  her  apartment  directly,  or  she  would 
have  recourse  to  her  old  friends  the  police.  Mr. 
Stubbs  was  quite  agreeable  to  go,  but  hinted  that  she 
might  as  well  hand  over  the  stakes  that  had  been 
entrusted  to  her  keeping  on  the  previous  day ;  upon 
which  she  again  indulged  in  a  torrent  of  abuse,  swore 


212    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

they  were  a  couple  of  thieves,  and  that  Mr.  Jorrocks 
owed  her  far  more  than  the  amount  for  board  and 
lodging.  This  made  the  Colonel  stare,  for  on  the 
supposition  that  he  was  a  visitor,  he  had  been  firing 
away  his  money  in  all  directions,  playing  at  everything 
she  proposed,  buying  her  bonnets,  perigord  pies, 
hiring  remises,  and  committing  every  species  of 
extravagance,  and  now  to  be  charged  for  what  he 
thought  was  pure  friendship,  disgusted  him  beyond 
expression. 

The  Countess  speedily  summoned  the  porter,  the 
man  of  letters  of  the  establishment,  and  with  his  aid 
drew  Mr.  Jorrocks  out  a  bill,  which  he  described  as 
"  reaching  down  each  side  of  his  body  and  round  his 
waist,"  commencing  with  2  francs  for  savon,  and  then 
proceeding  in  the  daily  routine  of  cafe,  i  franc; 
dejeuner  h  la  fourchette,  5  francs;  diner  avec  vin,  10 
francs;  tea,  i  franc;  souper,  3  francs;  bougies,  2 
francs ;  apartement,  3  francs ;  running  him  up  a  bill 
of  700  francs ;  and  when  Mr.  Stubbs  remonstrated  on 
the  exorbitance  of  the  charges,  she  replied,  "  It  sail 
be,  sare,  as  small  monnae  as  sail  be  consistent  avec 
my  dignified  respectability,  you  to  charge." 

There  seemed  no  help  for  the  matter,  so  Mr. 
Stubbs  paid  the  balance,  while  Mr.  Jorrocks,  shocked 
at  the  duplicity  of  the  Countess,  the  impudence  of 
Roserabom,  and  the  emptiness  of  his  own  pockets, 
bolted  away  without  saying  a  word. 

That  very  night  the  Malle-Poste  bore  them  from 
the  capital,  with  two  cold  fowls,  three  quarters  of 
a  yard  of  bread,  and  a  bottle  of  porter,  for  Mr. 
Jorrocks  on  the  journey ;  and  ere  another  sun  went 
down,  the  sandy  suburbs  of  Calais  saw  them  toiling 
towards  her  ramparts,  and  rumbling  over  the  draw- 
bridges and  under  the  portcullis  that  guard  the 
entrance  to  her  gloomy  town,  Calais  !  cold,  cheer- 
less, lifeless  Calais  !  Whose  soul  has  ever  warmed  as 
it  approached  thy  town  ?  but  how  many  hearts  have 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  213 

turned   with    sickening   sorrow   from    the    mirthless 
tinkling  of  thy  bells  !  ^ 

"We'll  not  stay  here  long,  I  guess,"  said  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  as  the  diligence  pulled  up  at  the  post-office, 
and  the  conducteur  requested  the  passengers  to 
descend.  "That's  optional,"  said  a  bystander,  who 
was  waiting  for  his  letters,  looking  at  Mr.  Jorrocks 
with  an  air  as  much  as  to  say,  "  What  a  rum-looking 
fellow  you  are ! "  and  not  without  reason,  for  the 
Colonel  was  attired  in  a  blue  sailor's  jacket,  white 
leathers,  and  jack-boots,  with  the  cocked  hat  and 
feather.  The  speaker  was  a  middle-aged,  middle- 
statured  man,  with  a  quick,  intelligent  eye,  dressed  in 
a  single-breasted,  green  riding-coat,  striped  toilenette 
waistcoat,  and  drab  trousers,  with  a  whip  in  his  hand. 
"  Thank  you  for  nothing ! "  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
eyeing  him  in  return,  upon  which  the  speaker  turned 
to  the  clerk,  and  asked  him  if  there  were  any  letters 
for  Monsieur  Apperley  or  Nimrod.  "  Nimrod  !  " 
exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  dropping  on  his  knees  as 
though  he  were  shot,  "  Oh,  my  vig !  what  have  I 
done  ?  Oh  dear  !  oh  dear !  what  a  dumbfounderer — 
flummoxed,  I  declare." 

'■'■Hold  up  I  old  un,"  said  Nimrod  in  astonishment, 
"why,  what's  the  matter  now?  you  don't  02ve  me 
anything,  I  daresay  !  " 

"  Owe  you  anything !  yes,  I  does,"  said  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  rising  from  the  ground,  "  I  owes  you  a  debt 
of  gratitude  that  I  can  never  wipe  off — you'll  be  in 
the  day  book  and  ledger  of  my  memory  for  ever  and 
a  year." 

"  Who  are  you  ?  "  inquired  Nimrod,  becoming  more 
and  more  puzzled,  as  he  contrasted  his  dialect  with  his 
dress. 

"  Who  am  I  ?— Why,  I'm  Mr.  Jorrocks." 

"Jorrocks,  by  Jove  !     Who'd  have  thought  it?     I 

^  At  the  Hotel  de  Ville  is  a  clock  that  chimes  the  quarters 
and  keeps  up  a  most  monotonous  tinkle  by  day  and  by  night. 


214   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

declare  I  took  you  for  a  horse-marine.     Give  us  your 
hand,  old  boy.    I'm  proud  to  make  your  acquaintance." 

"  Ditto  to  you,  sir,  twice  repeated.  I  considers 
you  the  werry  first  man  of  the  age  !  " — and  thereupon 
they  shook  hands  with  uncommon  warmth. 

"  You've  been  at  Paris,  I  suppose,"  resumed 
Nimrod,  after  their  respective  digits  were  released ; 
"were  you  much  gratified  with  what  you  saw?  What 
pleased  you  most — the  Tuileries,  Louvre,  Garden  of 
Plants,  Pere  la  Chaise,  Notre  Dame,  or  what  ?  " 

"  Why  now,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  singular  as  it  may 
seem,  I  saw  nothing  but  the  Tuileries  and  Naughty 
Dame, — I  may  say  a  werry  naughty  dame,  for  she 
fleeced  me  uncommonly,  scarcely  leaving  me  a  dump 
to  carry  me  home." 

"  What,  you've  been  among  the  ladies,  have  you  ? 
that's  gay  for  a  man  at  your  time  of  life." 

"  Yes,  I  certain//^  have  been  among  the  ladies, — 
Countesses  I  may  say — but,  dash  my  vig,  they  are  a 
rum  set,  and  made  me  pay  for  their  acquaintance. 
The  Countess  Benwolio  certain//>  is  a  bad  'un." 

"  Oh,  the  deuce  ! — did  that  old  devil  catch  you  ? " 
inquired  Nimrod. 

"  Vot,  do  you  know  her  ?  " 

"  Know  her !  ay — everybody  here  knows  her  with 
her  black  boy.  She's  always  on  the  road,  and  lives 
now  by  the  flats  she  catches  between  Paris  and  the 
coast.  She  was  an  agent  for  Morison's  Pills, — but 
having  a  fractious  Scotch  lodger  that  she  couldn't  get 
out,  she  physicked  him  so  dreadfully  that  he  nearly 
died,  and  the  police  took  her  licence  away.  But  you 
are  hungry,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  come  to  my  house  and 
spend  the  evening,  and  tell  me  all  about  your  travels." 

Mr.  Stubbs  objected  to  this  proposition,  having 
just  learned  that  the  London  packet  sailed  in  an  hour, 
so  the  trio  adjourned  to  Mr.  Roberts'  Royal  Hotel, 
where  over  some  strong  eau-de-vie  they  cemented  their 
acquaintance,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  finding  that  Nimrod 


SPORTING  IN  FRANCE  215 

was  to  be  in  England  the  following  week,  insisted  upon 
his  naming  a  day  for  dining  in  CIreat  Coram  Street. 

"Permits"  to  embark  having  been  considerately 
granted  '^ gratis"'^  by  the  government  for  a  franc 
apiece,  at  the  hour  of  ten  our  travellers  stepped  on 
board ;  and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  having  wrapped  himself  up 
in  his  martial  cloak,  lay  down  in  the  cabin,  and,  like 
Ulysses  in  Ithaca,  as  Nimrod  would  say,  "arrived  in 
London  asleep." 

^Though  "gratis"  is  stamped  conspicuously  on  the  docu- 
ment, they  always  charge  something  for  them. 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY 

THE  general  postman  had  given  the  final  flourish 
to  his  bell,  and  the  muffin-girl  had  just  begun  to 
tinkle  hers,  when  a  capacious  yellow  hackney-coach, 
with  a  faded  scarlet  hammer-cloth,  was  seen  jolting 
down  Great  Coram  Street,  and  pulling  up  at  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  door. 

Before  Jarvey  had  time  to  apply  his  hand  to  the 
area  bell,  after  giving  the  usual  three  knocks  and  a 
half  to  the  brass  lion's  head  on  the  door,  it  was 
opened  by  the  boy  Benjamin  in  new  drab  coat,  with  a 
blue  collar,  and  white  sugar-loaf  buttons,  drab  waistcoat, 
and  black  velveteen  breeches,  with  well-darned  white 
cotton  stockings. 

The  knock  drew  Mr.  Jorrocks  from  his  dining-room, 
where  he  had  been  acting  the  part  of  butler,  for  which 
purpose  he  had  put  off  his  coat  and  appeared  in  his 
shirt  sleeves,  dressed  in  nankeen  shorts,  white  gauze  silk 
stockings,  white  neckcloth,  and  white  waistcoat,  with 
a  frill  as  large  as  a  hand-saw.  Handing  the  bottle  and 
cork-screw  to  Betsy,  he  shuffled  himself  into  a  smart 
new  blue  saxony  coat  with  velvet  collar  and  metal 
buttons,  and  advanced  into  the  passage  to  greet  the 
arrivers. 

"O  gentlemen,  gentlemen,"  exclaimed  he,  "I'm  so 

'appy  to  see  you — so  werry  'appy  you  carn't  think," 

holding  out  both  hands  to  the  foremost,  who  happened 

to  be  Nimrod;    "this   is  werry   kind   of  you,  for  I 

declare   it's   six   to     a   minute.     'Ow    are   you,  Mr. 

Nimrod  ?     Most  proud  to  see  you  at  my  humble  crib. 

Well,  Stubbs,  my  boy,  'ow  do  you  do  ?     Never  knew 

2ie 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY     217 

you  late  in  life,"  giving  him  a  hearty  slap  on  the  back, 
"  Mr.  Spiers,  I'm  werry  'appy  to  see  you.  You  are 
just  what  a  sporting  publisher  ought  to  be — punctu- 
ality itself.  Now,  gentlemen,  dispose  of  your  tiles, 
and  come  upstairs  to  Mrs.  J.,  and  let's  get  you 
introduced." 

"I  fear  we  are  late,  Mr.  Jorrocks,"  observed 
Nimrod,  advancing  past  the  staircase  end  to  hang  up 
his  hat  on  a  line  of  pegs  against  the  wall. 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks — "  not  a  bit 
of  it — quite  the  contrary — you  are  the  first,  in  fact ! " 

"  Indeed  ! "  replied  Nimrod,  eyeing  a  table  full  of 
hats  by  where  he  stood — "  why,  here  are  as  many  hats 
as  would  set  up  a  shop.  I  really  thought  I'd  got  into 
Beaver  (Belvoir)  Castle  by  mistake  ! " 

"  Haw  !  haw  !  haw  !  werry  good,  Mr.  H'Apperley, 
werry  good  indeed. — I  owes  you  one." 

"/thought  it  was  a  Castor-0\S.  Mill,"  rejoined  Mr. 
Spiers. 

"  Haw  !  haw  !  haw  !  werry  good,  Mr.  Spiers,  werry 
good  indeed, — owes  you  one  also, — but  I  see  what 
you're  driving  at.  You  think  these  'ats  have  a 
cocoanut  apiece  belonging  to  them  upstairs.  No  such 
thing,  I  assure  you  ;  no  such  thing.  The  fact  is,  they 
are  what  I've  won  at  warious  times  of  the  members  of 
our  'unt;  and  as  I've  got  you  great  sporting  coves 
dining  with  me,  I'm  going  to  set  them  out  on  my  side- 
board, just  as  racing  gents  exhibit  their  gold  and 
silver  cups,  you  know.  Binjimin !  I  say,  Binjimin, 
you  blackguard,"  holloaing  down  the  kitchen  stairs, 
*'  Why  don't  you  set  out  the  castors  as  I  told  you  ? 
and  see  you  brush  them  well ! "  "  Coming,  sir,  coming, 
sir,"  replied  Benjamin,  from  below,  who  at  that 
moment  was  busily  engaged,  taking  advantage  of 
Betsy's  absence,  in  scooping  marmalade  out  of  a  pot 
with  his  thumb.  "There's  a  good  lot  of  them,"  said 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  resuming  the  conversation,  "  four,  six, 
eight,  ten,  twelve,  thirteen, — all  trophies  of  sporting 


2i8   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

prowess.      Real   good   hats.       None   o'   your   nasty 
gossamers,  or  dog-hair  ones.     There's  a  tile  !  "  said  he, 
balancing  a  nice  new  white  one  with  green  rims  on  the 
top  of  his  finger.     "  I  won  that  in  a  most  w/'raculous 
manner. — A  most  wonderful  way,  in  fact.    I  was  driving 
to  Croydon  one  morning  in  my  four-wheeled  one-'oss 
chay,  and  just  as  I  got  to  Lilley-white,  the  blacksmith's, 
below  Brixton  Hill,  they  had  thrown  up  a  drain — a 
giilpli  I  may  call  it — across  the  road  for  the  purpose  of 
repairing  the  gas-pipe.     I  was  ^-^j-ther  late  as  it  was, 
for  our  'ounds   are   werry   punctual,    and   there  was 
nothing  for  me  but   either  to  go  a  mile  and   a  half 
about,  or  drive  slap  over  the  gulph.     Well,  I  looked 
at  it,  and  the  more  I  looked  at  it  the  less  I  liked  it ; 
but  just  as  I  was  thinking  I  had  seen  enough  of  it, 
and   was   going   to    turn    away,    up   tools   Timothy 
Trueman  in  his  buggy,  and  he,  too,  began  to  crane  and 
look  into  the    abyss — and  a  terrible  place  it  was,  I 
assure  you — guile  fn'ghffii/,  and  he  liked  it  no  better 
than  myself.     Seeing  this,  I  takes  courage,  and  said, 
'  Why,  Tim,  your  'oss  will  do  it ! '     '  Thank'e,  Mr.  J., ' 
said  he,   *  I'll  folloiv  you.'     '  Then,'  said  I,  '  if  you'll 
change  wehicles ' — for,  mind  ye,  I  had  no  notion  of 
damaging  my  own — '  I'll  bet  you  a  hat  I  gets  over.' 
*  Done,'  said  he,  and  out  he  got,  so  I  takes  his  'oss 
by  the  head,  looses  the  bearing-rein,  and,  leading  him 
quietly  up  to  the  place  and  letting  him  have  a  look  at 
it,  gave  him  a  whack  over  the  back,  and  over  he  went, 
gig  and  all,  as  clever  as  could  be  !  " 

Stiibbs.  Well  done,  ISIr.  J.,  you  are  really  a  most 
wonderful  man  !  You  have  the  most  extraordinary 
adventures  of  any  man  breathing — but  what  did  you 
do  with  your  own  machine  ? 

Jorrocks.  Oh  !  you  see,  I  just  turned  round  to 
Binjimin,  who  was  with  me,  and  said,  '  You  may  go 
home,'  and,  getting  into  Timothy's  buggy,  I  had  my 
ride  for  nothing,  and  the  hat  into  the  bargain.  A 
nice  hat  it  is  too — regular  beaver — a  guinea's  worth 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    219 

at    least.     All    true    what    I've   told    you,    isn't    it, 
Binjimin  ? 

"  Quite  ! "  replied  Benjamin,  putting  his  thumb  to 
his  nose,  and  spreading  his  fingers  like  a  fan  as  he 
slunk  behind  his  master. 

"But  come,  gentlemen,"  resumed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
"  let's  be  after  getting  upstairs.  Binjimin,  announce 
the  gentlemen  as  your  missis  taught  you.  Open  the 
door  with  your  left  hand,  and  stretch  the  right  towards 
her,  to  let  the  company  see  the  point  to  make  up  to!" 

The  party  ascended  the  stairs  one  at  a  time,  for  the 
flight  is  narrow  and  rather  abrupt,  and  Benjamin, 
obeying  his  worthy  master's  injunctions,  threw  open 
the  front  drawing-room  door,  and  discovers  Mrs. 
Jorrocks  sitting  in  state  at  a  round  table,  with  annuals 
and  albums  spread  at  orthodox  distances  around. 
The  possession  of  this  room  had  long  been  a  bone  of 
contention  between  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  his  spouse,  but 
at  length  they  had  accommodated  matters,  by  Mr. 
Jorrocks  gaining  undivided  possession  of  the  back 
drawing-room  (communicating  by  folding-doors),  with 
the  run  of  the  front  one  equally  with  Mrs.  Jorrocks  on 
non-company  days.  A  glance,  however,  showed 
which  was  the  master's  and  which  was  the  mistress's 
room.  The  front  one  was  papered  with  weeping 
willows,  bending  under  the  weight  of  ripe  cherries  on 
a  white  ground,  and  the  chair  cushions  were  covered 
with  pea-green  cotton  velvet  with  yellow  worsted 
bindings. 

The  round  table  was  made  of  rosewood,  and  there 
was  a  "what-not"  on  the  right  of  the  fireplace  of 
similar  material,  containing  a  handsomely-bound 
collection  of  Sir  Walter  Scott's  works,  in  wood.  The 
carpet-pattern  consisted  of  most  dashing  bouquets  of 
many-coloured  flowers,  in  winding  French  horns  on 
a  very  light  drab  ground,  so  light,  indeed,  that  Mr. 
Jorrocks  was  never  allowed  to  tread  upon  it  except 
in  pumps  or  slippers.     The  bell-pulls  were  made  of 


220  JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

foxes'  brushes,  and  in  the  frame  of  the  looking-glass, 
above  the  white  marble  mantelpiece,  were  stuck 
visiting-cards,  cards  of  invitation,  thanks  for  "  obliging 
inquiries,"  etc.  etc.  The  hearth-rug  exhibited  a  bright 
yellow  tiger,  with  pink  eyes,  on  a  blue  ground,  with  a 
flossy  green  border;  and  the  fender  and  fire-irons 
were  of  shining  brass.  On  the  wall,  immediately 
opposite  the  fireplace,  was  a  portrait  of  Mrs.  Jorrocks 
before  she  was  married,  so  unlike  her  present  self  that 
no  one  would  have  taken  it  for  her.  The  back 
drawing-room,  which  looked  out  upon  the  gravel  walk 
and  house-backs  beyond,  was  papered  with  broad 
scarlet  and  green  stripes  in  honour  of  the  Surrey-Hunt 
uniform,  and  was  set  out  with  a  green-covered  library 
table  in  the  centre,  with  a  red  morocco  hunting  chair 
between  it  and  the  window,  and  several  good  strong 
hair-bottomed  mahogany  chairs  around  the  walls. 
The  table  had  a  very  literary  air,  being  strewed  with 
Sporting  Magazines,  odd  numbers  of  BelPs  Life, 
pamphlets,  and  papers  of  various  descriptions,  while 
on  a  sheet  of  foolscap  on  the  portfolio  were  ten  lines 
of  an  elegy  on  a  giblet  pie  which  had  been  broken  in 
coming  from  the  baker's,  at  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  had 
been  hammering  for  some  time.  On  the  side  opposite 
the  fireplace,  on  a  hanging  range  of  mahogany  shelves, 
were  ten  volumes  of  Bell's  Life  in  London,  the  Neiv 
Sporting  Magazi?ie,  bound,  gilt,  and  lettered,  the 
Mefnoirs  of  Harriette  Wilson,  Boxiana,  Taplin's 
Farriery,  Nimrod's  Life  of  Mytton,  and  a  back- 
gammon board  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  had  bought  by 
mistake  for  a  History  of  England. 

Mrs.  Jorrocks,  as  we  said  before,  was  sitting  in 
state  at  the  far  side  of  the  round  table,  on  a  worsted- 
worked  ottoman,  exhibiting  a  cock  pheasant  on  a 
white  ground,  and  was  fanning  herself  with  a  red-and- 
white  paper  fan,  and  turning  over  the  leaves  of  an 
annual.  How  Mr.  Jorrocks  happened  to  marry  her, 
no  one  could  ever  divine,  for  she  never  was  pretty, 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    221 

had  very  little  money,  and  not  even  a  decent  figure  to 
recommend  her.  It  was  generally  supposed  at  the  time, 
that  his  brother  Joe  and  he  having  had  a  deadly  feud 
about  a  bottom  piece  of  muffin,  the  lady's  friends  had 
talked  him  into  the  match,  in  the  hopes  of  his  having 
a  family  to  leave  his  money  to,  instead  of  bequeathing 
it  to  Joe  or  his  children.  Certain  it  is  they  never 
were  meant  for  each  other;  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  our 
readers  have  seen,  being  all  nature  and  impulse,  while 
Mrs.  Jorrocks  was  all  vanity  and  affectation.  To 
describe  her  accurately  is  more  than  we  can  pretend 
to,  for  she  looked  so  different  in  different  dresses,  that 
Mr.  Jorrocks  himself  sometimes  did  not  recognize  her. 
Her  face  was  round,  with  a  good  strong  brick- dust 
sort  of  complexion,  a  turn-up  nose,  eyes  that  were 
grey  in  one  light  and  green  in  another,  and  a  middling- 
sized  mouth  with  a  double  chin  below.  Mr.  Jorrocks 
used  to  say  that  she  was  "  warranted  "  to  him  as  twelve 
years  younger  than  himself,  but  many  people  supposed 
the  difference  of  age  between  them  was  not  so  great. 
Her  stature  was  of  the  middle  height,  and  she  was 
of  one  breadth  from  the  shoulders  to  the  heels.  She 
was  dressed  in  a  flaming  scarlet  satin  gown,  with  swan's- 
down  round  the  top,  as  also  at  the  arms,  and  two 
flounces  of  the  same  material  round  the  bottom.  Her 
turban  was  of  green  velvet,  with  a  gold  fringe,  termina- 
ting in  a  bunch  over  the  left  side,  while  a  bird  of 
Paradise  inclined  towards  the  right.  Across  her 
forehead  she  wore  a  gold  band,  with  a  many-coloured 
glass  butterfly  (a  present  from  James  Green),  and  her 
neck,  arms,  waist  (at  least  what  ought  to  have  been 
her  waist),  were  hung  round  and  studded  with  mosaic — 
gold  chains,  brooches,  rings,  buttons,  bracelets,  etc., 
looking  for  all  the  world  like  a  portable  pawnbroker's 
shop  or  the  lump  of  beef  that  Sinbad  the  Sailor  threw 
into  the  Valley  of  Diamonds.  In  the  right  of  a  gold 
band  round  her  middle,  was  an  immense  gold  watch, 
with  a  bunch  of  mosaic  seals  appended  to  a  massive 


222    JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

chain  of  the  same  material ;  and  a  large  miniature  of 
Mr.  Jorrocks  when  he  was  a  young  man,  with  his  hair 
stiffly  curled,  occupied  a  place  on  her  left  side.  On 
her  right  arm  dangled  a  green  velvet  bag,  with  a  gold 
cord,  out  of  which  one  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  silk  handker- 
chiefs protruded,  while  a  crumpled,  yellowish-white 
cambric  one,  with  a  lace  fringe,  lay  at  her  side. 

On  an  hour-glass  stool,  a  little  behind  Mrs. 
Jorrocks,  sat  her  niece  Belinda  (Joe  Jorrocks's  eldest 
daughter),  a  nice  laughing  pretty  girl  of  sixteen,  with 
languishing  blue  eyes,  brown  hair,  a  nose  of  the  "turn- 
up" order,  beautiful  mouth  and  teeth,  a  very  fair 
complexion,  and  a  gracefully-moulded  figure.  She 
had  just  left  one  of  the  finishing  and  polishing 
seminaries  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Bromley,  where, 
for  two  hundred  a  year  and  upwards,  all  the  teasing 
accomplishments  of  life  are  taught,  and  Mrs.  Jorrocks, 
in  her  own  mind,  had  already  appropriated  her  to 
James  Green,  while  Mr.  Jorrocks,  on  the  other  hand, 
had  assigned  her  to  Stubbs.  Belinda's  dress  was 
simplicity  itself;  her  silken  hair  hung  in  shining  tresses 
down  her  smiling  face,  confined  by  a  plain  tortoise- 
shell  comb  behind,  and  a  narrow  pink  velvet  band 
before.  Round  her  swan-like  neck  was  a  plain  white 
cornelian  necklace ;  and  her  well-washed  white 
muslin  frock,  confined  by  a  pink  sash,  flowing 
behind  in  a  bow,  met  in  simple  folds  across  her 
swelling  bosom.  Black  sandal  shoes  confined  her 
fairy  feet,  and  with  P>ench  cotton  stockings  completed 
her  toilette.  Belinda,  though  young,  was  a  celebrated 
eastern  beauty,  and  there  was  not  a  butcher's  boy  in 
Whitechapel,  from  Michael  Scales  downwards,  but 
what  eyed  her  with  delight,  as  she  passed  along  from 
Shoreditch  on  her  daily  walk. 

The  presentations  having  been  effected,  and  the 
heat  of  the  day,  the  excellence  of  the  house,  the 
cleanliness  of  Great  Coram  Street — the  usual  topics, 
in  short,  when  people  know  nothing  of  each  other — 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    223 

having  been  discussed,  our  party  scattered  themselves 
about  the  room  to  await  the  pleasing  announcement 
of  dinner.  Mr.  Jorrocks,  of  course,  was  in  attendance 
upon  Nimrod,  while  Mr  Stubbs  made  love  to  Belinda 
behind  Mrs.  Jorrocks. 

Presently  a  loud,  long-protracted  '■^  rat-tat-tat-tat- 
tan,  rat-tat- fat-tat-tan"  at  the  street  door  sounded 
through  the  house,  and  Jorrocks,  with  a  slap  on  his 
thigh,  exclaimed,  "  By  Jingo !  there's  Green.  No 
man  knocks  with  such  wiggorous  wiolence  as  he  does. 
All  Great  Coram  Street  and  parts  adjacent  know  when 
he  comes.  Julius  Coesar  himself  couldn't  kick  up  a 
greater  row."  "What  Green  is  it.  Green  of  Rolle- 
stone  ?  "  inquired  Nimrod,  thinking  of  his  Leicester- 
shire friend.  "  No,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  Green  of 
Tooley  Street.  You'll  have  heard  of  the  Greens  in 
the  Borough,  'emp,  'op,  and  'ide  (hemp,  hop,  and 
hide)  merchants — numerous  family,  numerous  as  the 
'airs  in  my  vig.  This  is  James  Green,  jun.,  whose 
father,  old  James  Green,  jun.,  verd  antique  as  I  calls 
him,  is  the  son  of  James  Green,  sen.,  who  is  in  the 
'emp  line,  and  James  is  own  cousin  to  young  old 
James  Green,  sen.,  whose  father  is  in  the  'ide  line." 
The  remainder  of  the  pedigree  was  lost  by  Benjamin 
throwing  open  the  door  and  announcing  Mr.  Green ; 
and  Jemmy,  who  had  been  exchanging  his  cloth  boots 
for  patent-leather  pumps,  came  bounding  upstairs 
like  a  racket-ball.  "  My  dear  Mrs.  Jorrocks  ! "  cried 
he,  swinging  through  the  company  to  her,  "  Fm 
delighted  to  see  you  looking  so  well,  I  declare  you 
are  fifty  per  cent,  younger  than  you  were.  Belinda, 
my  love,  'ow  are  you?  Jorrocks  my  friend,  how  do 
ye  do  ?  " 

"Thank  ye,  James,"  said  Jorrocks,  shaking  hands 
with  him  most  cordially,  "  I'm  werry  well  indeed,  and 
delighted  to  see  you.  Now  let  me  present  you  to 
Nimrod." 

"  Aye,  Nimrod  ! "  said  Green,  in  his  usual  flippant 


224   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

style,  with  a  nod  of  his  head,  '"ow  are  ye, 
Nimrod?  I've  heard  of  you,  I  think, — Nimrod, 
Brothers  and  Co.,  bottle  merchants,  Crutched  Friars, 
ain't  it  ?  " 

"i\'t',"said  Jorrocks,  in  an  undertone  with  a  frown, 
" — Mr.  H'Apperley  Nimrod,  the  great  sporting 
h'author." 

"True,"  replied  Green,  not  at  all  disconcerted, 
"I've  heard  of  him  —  Nimrod — the  mighty  'unter 
before  the  Lord.  Glad  to  see  ye,  Nimrod.  Stubbs, 
'ow  are  ye  ? "  nodding  to  the  Yorkshireman,  as  he 
jerked  himself  on  to  a  chair  on  the  other  side  of 
Belinda. 

As  usual,  Green  was  as  gay  as  a  peacock.  His 
curly  flaxen  wig  projected  over  his  forehead  like  the 
roof  of  a  Swiss  cottage,  and  his  pointed  gills  were 
supported  by  a  stiff  black  mohair  stock,  with  a  broad 
front  and  black  frill  confined  with  jet  studs  down 
the  centre.  His  coat  was  light  green,  with  archery 
buttons,  made  very  wide  at  the  hips,  with  which  he 
sported  a  white  waistcoat,  bright  yellow  ochre  leather 
trousers,  pink  silk  stockings  and  patent-leather  pumps. 
In  his  hand  he  carried  a  white  silk  handkerchief, 
which  smelt  most  powerfully  of  musk ;  and  a  pair  of 
dirty  wristbands  drew  the  eye  to  sundry  dashing  rings 
upon  his  fingers. 

Jonathan  Crane,  a  little  long-nosed  old  city  wine 
merchant,  a  member  of  the  Surrey  Hunt,  being 
announced  and  presented,  Mrs.  Jorrocks  declared 
herself  faint  from  the  heat  of  the  room,  and  begged 
to  be  excused  for  a  few  minutes.  Nimrod,  all  polite- 
ness, was  about  to  offer  her  his  arm,  but  Mr.  Jorrocks 
pulled  him  back,  whispering,  "Z^/  her  go,  let  her  go." 
"  The  fact  is,"  said  he,  in  an  undertone  after  she  was 
out  of  hearing,  "  it's  a  way  Mrs.  J.  has  when  she  wants 
to  see  that  dinner's  all  right.  You  see  she's  a  terrible 
high-bred  woman,  being  a  cross  between  a  gentleman- 
usher   and   a   lady's  maid,  and   doesn't   like   to   be 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    225 

supposed  to  look  after  these  things,  so  when  she  goes, 
she  always  pretends  to  faint.  You'll  see  her  back 
presently,"  and,  just  as  he  spoke,  in  she  came  with 
a  half-pint  smelling  bottle  at  her  nose.  Benjamin 
followed  immediately  after,  and,  throwing  open  the 
door,  proclaimed,  in  a  half-fledged  voice,  that  "  dinner 
was  served,"  upon  which  the  party  all  started  on  their 
legs. 

"Now,  Mr.  H'Apperley  Nimrod,"  cried  Jorrocks, 
"  you'll  trot  Mrs.  J.  down — according  to  the  book  of 
etiquette,  you  know,  giving  her  the  wall  side.^  Sorry, 
gentlemen,  I  haven't  ladies  apiece  for  you,  but  my 
sally-manger,  as  we  say  in  France,  is  rayiher  small, 
besides  which  I  never  like  to  dine  more  than  eight. 
Stubbs,  my  boy.  Green  and  you  must  toss  up  for 
Belinda— here's  a  halfpenny,  and  let  it  be  'New- 
market'- if  you  please.  Wot  say  you?  a  voman ! 
Stubbs  wins ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  the  halfpenny 
fell  head  downwards.  "  Now,  Spiers,  couple  up  with 
Crane,  and  James  and  I  will  whip  into  you.  But 
stop,  gentlemen  ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  he  reached 
the  top  of  the  stairs,  "let  me  make  one  request- 
that  you  von't  eat  the  windmill  you'll  see  on  the 
centre  of  the  table.  Mrs.  Jorrocks  has  hired  it  for 
the  evening,  of  Mr.  Farrell,  the  confectioner,  in 
Lamb's  Conduit  Street,  and  it's  engaged  to  two  or 
three  evening  parties  after  it  leaves  this."  "  Lauk, 
John !  how  wulgar  you  are.  What  matter  can  it 
make  to  your  friends  where  the  windmill  comes 
from  ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  in  an  audible  voice 
from  below ;  Nimrod,  with  admirable  skill,  having 
piloted  her  down  the  straits  and  turns  of  the  staircase. 
Having  squeezed  herself  between  the  backs  of  the 
chairs  and  the  wall,  Mrs.  Jorrocks  at  length  reached 

^  "  In  your  passage  from  one  room  to  another,  offer  the  lady 
the  wall  in  going  downstairs,"  etc. — Spirit  of  Etiquette. 

-  "We  have  repeatedly  decided  that  Newmarket  is  one  toss." 
— Belts  Life. 

15 


226   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  head  of  the  table,  and  with  a  bump  of  her  body 
and  wave  of  her  hand  motioned  Nimrod  to  take  the 
seat  on  her  right.  Green  then  pushed  past  Belinda 
and  Stubbs,  and  took  the  place  on  Mrs.  Jorrocks's 
left,  so  Stubbs,  with  a  dexterous  manoeuvre,  placed 
himself  in  the  centre  of  the  table,  with  Belinda  be- 
tween himself  and  her  uncle.  Crane  and  Spiers  then 
filled  the  vacant  places  on  Nimrod's  side,  Mr.  Spiers 
facing  Mr.  Stubbs. 

The  dining-room  was  the  breadth  of  the  passage 
narrower  than  the  front  drawing-room,  and,  as  Mr. 
Jorrocks  truly  said,  was  rayther  small,  but  the  table 
being  excessively  broad,  made  the  room  appear  less 
than  it  was.  It  was  lighted  up  with  spermaceti 
candles,  in  silver  holders,  one  at  each  corner  of  the 
table,  and  there  was  a  lamp  in  the  wall  between  the 
red-curtained  windows,  immediately  below  a  brass 
nail,  on  which  Mr.  Jorrocks's  great  hunting-whip  and 
a  bunch  of  boot -garters  were  hung.  Two  more 
candles  in  the  hands  of  bronzed  Dianas  on  the 
marble  mantelpiece  lighted  up  a  coloured  copy  of 
Barraud's  picture  of  John  Warde,  on  Blue  Ruin ; 
while  Mr.  Ralph  Lambton,  on  his  horse  Undertaker, 
with  his  hounds  and  men,  occupied  a  frame  on  the 
opposite  wall.  The  old-fashioned  cellaret  sideboard, 
against  the  wall  at  the  end,  supported  a  large  bright 
burning  brass  lamp,  with  raised  foxes  round  the  rim, 
whose  effulgent  rays  shed  a  brilliant  halo  over  eight 
black  hats  and  two  white  ones,  whereof  the  four  middle 
ones  were  decorated  with  evergreens  and  foxes' 
brushes.  The  dinner  table  was  crowded,  not  covered. 
There  was  scarcely  a  square  inch  of  cloth  to  be  seen 
on  any  part.  In  the  centre  stood  a  magnificent 
finely-spun  barley  sugar  windmill,  two  feet  and  a  half 
high,  with  a  spacious  sugar  foundation,  with  a  cart 
and  horses  and  two  or  three  millers  at  the  door,  and 
a  she-miller  working  a  ball  dress  flounce  at  a  lower 
window. 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    227 

The  whole  dinner,  first,  second,  third,  fourth  course, 
— everything,  in  fact,  except  dessert — was  on  the 
table,  as  we  sometimes  see  it  at  ordinaries  and  public 
dinners.  Before  both  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jorrocks  were 
two  great  tureens  of  mock  turtle  soup,  each  capable 
of  holding  a  gallon,  and  both  full  up  to  the  brim. 
Then  there  were  two  sorts  of  fish  ;  turbot  and  lobster 
sauce,  and  a  great  salmon.  A  round  of  boiled  beef 
and  an  immense  piece  of  roast  occupied  the  rear  of 
these,  ready  to  march  on  the  disappearance  of  the 
fish  and  soup — and  behind  the  walls,  formed  by  the 
beef  of  old  England,  came  two  dishes  of  grouse,  each 
dish  holding  three  brace.  The  side  dishes  consisted 
of  a  calf's  head  hashed,  a  leg  of  mutton,  chickens, 
ducks,  and  mountains  of  vegetables ;  and  round  the 
windmill  were  plum  puddings,  tarts,  jellies,  pies,  and 
puffs. 

Behind  Mrs.  Jorrocks's  chair  stood  Batsay  with  a 
fine  brass-headed  comb  in  her  hair,  and  stiff  ringlets 
down  her  ruddy  cheeks.  She  was  dressed  in  a  green 
silk  gown,  with  a  coral  necklace,  and  one  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  lavender  and  white  coloured  silk  pocket- 
handkerchiefs  made  into  an  apron.  Bmjmiin  stood 
with  the  door  in  his  hand,  as  the  saying  is,  with  a 
towel  twisted  round  his  thumb,  as  though  he  had 
cut  it. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  casting  his 
eye  up  the  table,  as  soon  as  they  had  all  got  squeezed 
and  wedged  round  it,  and  the  dishes  were  uncovered, 
"_>'o?/!  see  your  din?ter,  eat  whatever  you  like  except  the 
windmill — hope  you'll  be  able  to  satisfy  nature  with 
what's  on — would  have  had  more,  but  Mrs.  J.  is  so 
werry  fine,  she  won't  stand  two  joints  of  the  same 
sort  on  the  table." 

Mrs.  J.  Lauk,  John,  how  can  you  be  so  wulgar  ! 
Who  ever  saw  two  rounds  of  beef,  as  you  wanted  to 
have?  Besides,  I'm  sure  the  gentlemen  will  excuse 
any  little   defishency,    considering   the   short   nptic§ 


228  JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

we   have   had,    and   that   this   is   not    an    elaborate 
dinner. 

Afr.  Spiers.  I'm  sure,  ma'am,  there's  no  dAfish&c\cy 
at  all.  Indeed  I  think  there's  as  much  fish  as  would 
serve  double  the  number — and  I'm  sure  you  look  as 
if  you  had  your  soup  "  on  sale  or  return,"  as  we  say  in 
the  magazine  line. 

Mr.  J.  Haw  !  haw  !  haw  !  werry  good  Mr.  Spiers. 
I  owe  you  one.  Not  bad  soup  though — had  it  from 
Birch's.  Let  me  send  you  some ;  and  pray  lay  into 
it,  or  I  shall  think  you  don't  like  it.  Mr.  H'Apperley, 
let  me  send  you  some — and,  gentlemen,  let  me 
observe,  once  for  all,  that  there's  every  species  of  malt 
liquor  under  the  side-table.  Prime  stout,  from  the 
Marquess  Cornwallis,  hard  by.  Also  ale,  table,  and 
what  my  friend  calls  \z.Vi\&x\table, — he  says  because  it's 
so  werry  small — but,  in  truth,  because  I  don't  buy  it 
of  him.  There's  all  sorts  of  drench,  in  fact,  except 
water — a  thing  I  never  touch — rots  one's  shoes,  don't 
know  what  it  would  do  with  one's  stomach  if  it  was 
to  get  there.  Mr.  Crane,  you're  eating  nothing.  I 
am  quite  shocked  to  see  you  ;  you  don't  surely  live 
upon  h'air?  Do  help  yourself,  or  you'll  faint  from 
werry  famine.  Belinda,  my  love,  does  the  Yorkshire- 
man  take  care  of  you  ?  Who's  for  some  salmon  ? — 
bought  at  Luckey's,  and  there's  both  Tally-ho  and 
Tantivy  sarce  to  eat  with  it.  Somehow  or  other  I 
always  fancies  I  rides  harder  after  eating  their  sarces 
with  fish.  Mr.  H'Apperley  Nimrod,  you  are  the 
greatest  man  at  table,  consequently  I  axes  you  to 
drink  wine  first,  according  to  the  book  of  etiquette — 
help  yourself,  sir.  Some  of  Crane's  particklar  hot  and 
strong,  real  stuff,  none  of  your  wan  de  bones  (vin  de 
beaume)  or  rot-gut  French  stuff — hope  you  like  it — if 
you  don't,  pray  speak  your  mind  freely,  now  that  we 
have  Crane  among  us.  Binjimin,  get  me  some  of 
that  duck  before  Mr.  Spiers ;  a  leg  and  a  wing,  if  you 
please,  sir,  and  a  bit  of  the  breast. 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    229 

•  Mr.  Spiers.  .Certainly,  sir,  certainly.  Do  you 
prefer  a  right  or  a  left  wing,  sir? 

.  Mr.  Jor rocks.  Oh,  either.  I  suppose  it's  all  the 
same. 

•  Mr.  Spiers.  Why,  no,  sir,  it's  not  exactly  all  the 
sanae ;  for  it  happens  there  is  only  one  remaining, 
therefore  it  must  be  the  left  one. 

Mr.  J.  (chuckling).  Haw  !  haw  !  haw !  Mr.  S., 
werry  good  that — werry  good,  indeed.  I  owes  you 
two. 

.  "I'll  trouble  you  for  a  little,  Mr.  Spiers,  if  you 
please,"  says  Crane,  handing  his  plate  round  the 
windmill. 

"  I'm  sorry,  sir,  it  is  all  gone,"  replies  Mr.  Spiers, 
who  had  just  filled  Mr.  Jorrocks's  plate;  "there's 
nothing  left  but  the  neck,"  holding  it  up  on  the 
fork. 

"Well,  send  it,"  rejoins  Mr.  Crane,  "neck  or 
tiotJwig,  you  know,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  we  say  with  the 
Surrey." 

"  Haw  !  haw  !  haw  ! "  grunts  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  is 
busy  sucking  a  bone ;  "  haw  !  haw  !  haw  !  werry  good. 
Crane,  werry  good — owes  you  one.  Now,  gentlemen," 
added  he,  casting  his  eye  up  the  table  as  he  spoke, 
"let  me  adwise  ye,  before  you  attack  the  grouse,  to 
take  the  hedge  (edge)  off  your  appetites,  or  else  there 
won't  be  enough  ;  and,  you  know,  it  does  not  do  to 
eat  the  farmer  after  the  gentleman.  Let's  see,  now — 
three  and  three  are  six,  six  brace  among  eight — oh 
dear,  that's  nothing  like  enough.  I  wish,  Mrs.  J.,  you 
had  followed  my  adwice,  and  roasted  them  all.  And, 
now,  Binjimin,  you're  going  to  break  the  windmill  with 
your  clumsiness,  you  little  dirty  rascal !  Why  von't 
you  let  Bafsa.y  arrange  the  table  ?  Thank  you,  Mr. 
Crane,  for  your  assistance, — your  politeness,  sir, 
exceeds  your  beauty."  [A  barrel  organ  strikes  up 
before  the  window,  and  Jorrocks  throws  down  his 
knife  and  fork  in  an   agony.]     "Oh  dear,  oh  dear, 


230   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

there's  that  cursed  h'organ  again.  It's  a  regular 
annihilator.  Binjimin,  run  and  kick  the  fellow's 
werry  soul  out  of  him.  There's  no  man  suffers  so 
much  from  music  as  I  do.  I  wish  I  had  a  pocketful 
of  sudden  deaths,  that  I  might  throw  one  at  every 
thief  of  a  musicianer  that  comes  up  the  street.  I 
declare  the  scoundrel  has  set  all  my  teeth  on  edge. 
Mr.  Nimrod,  pray  take  another  glass  of  wine  after 
your  roast  beef. — Well,  with  Mrs.  J.  if  you  choose,  but 
I'll  join  you — always  says  that  you  are  the  werry 
cleverest  man  of  the  day — read  all  your  writings 
— anny-tommy  (anatomy)  of  gaming,  and  all.  Am 
a  h'author  myself,  you  know — once  set  to,  to  write  a 
werry  long  and  elaborate  h'article  on  scent,  but  after 
cudgelling  my  brains,  and  turning  the  thing  over  and 
over  again  in  my  mind,  all  that  1  could  brew  on  the 
subject  was  that  scent  was  a  werry  rum  thing ;  nothing 
rummer  than  scent,  except  a  woman." 

"Pray,"  cried  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  her  eyes  starting  as 
she  spoke,  "don't  let  us  have  any  of  your  low-lifed 
stable  conversation  here — you  think  to  show  off 
before  the  ladies,"  added  she,  "and  flatter  yourself 
you  talk  about  what  we  don't  understand.  Now,  I'll 
be  bound  to  say,  with  all  your  fine  sporting  h'inform- 
ation,  you  carn't  tell  me  whether  a  mule  brays  or 
neighs  ! " 

"Vether  a  mule  brays  or  neighs?"  repeated  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  considering,  "  I'll  lay  I  can  !  " 

"  Which,  then  ?  "  inquired  Mrs.  Jorrocks. 

"  Vy,  I  should  say  it  brayed." 

^^  Mule  bray  I  ^^  cried  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  clapping  her 
hands  with  delight,  "  there's  a  cockney  blockhead  for 
you  !     It  brays,  does  it  ?  " 

Mr.  Jorrocks.     I  meant  to  say  neighed. 

"  Ho  !  ho  !  ho  !  "  grinned  Mrs.  J.,  "  neighs,  does  it  ? 
you  are  a  nice  man  for  a  fox-'unter — a  mule  neighs — 
thought  I'd  catch  you  some  of  these  odd  days  with 
your  wain  conceit." 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    231 

**  Vy,  what  does  it  do,  then  ! "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
his  choler  rising  as  he  spoke.  "  I  hopes  at  all  ewents 
he  don't  make  the  'orrible  noise  you  do." 

"  Why,  it  screams,  you  great  h'ass  ! "  rejoined  his 
loving  spouse. 

A  single,  but  very  resolute  knock  at  the  street  door, 
sounding  quite  through  the  house,  stopped  all  further 
ebullition,  and  Benjamin,  slipping  out,  held  a  short 
conversation  with  someone  in  the  street,  and  re- 
turned. 

"  What's  happened  now,  Binjimin  ? "  inquired  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  with  anxiety  on  his  countenance,  as  the 
boy  re-entered  the  room ;  "  the  'osses  arn't  amiss,  I 
'ope  ?  " 

"  Please,  sir,  Mr.  Farrell's  young  man  has  come  for 
the  windmill — he  says  you've  had  it  two  hours," 
replied  Benjamin. 

"The  deuce  be  with  Mr,  Farrell's  young  man!  he 
does  not  suppose  we  can  part  with  the  mill  before 
the  cloth's  drawn — tell  him  to  mizzle,  or  I'll  mill  him. 
'  Now's  the  day  and  now's  the  hour ; '  who's  for  some 
grouse  ?  Gentlemen,  make  your  game,  in  fact.  But 
first  of  all,  let's  have  a  round  robin.  Pass  the  wine, 
gentlemen.     What  wine  do  you  take,  Stubbs  ?  " 

"  Why,  champagne  is  good  enough  for  me." 

Mr.  Jorrocks.     I  daresay ;  but  if  you  wait  till  you 

get  any  here,   you  will  have   a   long   time   to    stop. 

Shampain,    indeed !    had   enough   of    that   nonsense 

abroad — declare  you  young  chaps  drink  shampain  like 

h'ale.     There's  red  and  wite,  port  and  sherry,  in  fact ; 

and  them  as  carn't  drink,  they  must  go  without. 

X.  was  expensive,  and  soon  became  poor  ; 

Y.  was  the  wise  man,  and  kept  want  from  the  door. 

"  Now  for  the  grouse  ! "  added  he,  as  the  two  beefs 
disappeared,  and  they  took  their  stations  at  the  top 
and  bottom  of  the  table.  "  Fine  birds,  to  be  sure ! 
hope  you  haven't  burked  your  appetites,  gentlemen, 
so  as  not  to  be  able  to  do  justice  to  them — smell 


232 


JORROCKS'S  JAUMTS  AND  JOLLITIES 


high — werry  good — gamey,  in  fact — Binjimin,  take  an 
'ot  plate  to  Mr.  Nimrod — sarve  us  all  round  with 
them." 

The  grouse  being  excellent,  and  cooked  to  a  turn, 
little  execution  was  done  upon  the  pastry,  and  the 
jellies  had  all  melted  long  before  it  came  to  their  turn 
to  be  eaten.  At  length,  everyone,  Mr.  Jorrocks  and 
all,  appeared  satisfied,  and  the  noise  of  knives  and 
forks  was  succeeded  by  the  din  of  tongues  and  the 
ringing  of  glasses,  as  the  eaters  refreshed  themselves 
with  wine  or  malt  liquors.  Cheese  and  biscuit  being 
handed  about  on  plates,  according  to  the  Spirit  of 
Etiquette,  B/nj/min  and  Brttsay  at  length  cleared  the 
table,  lifted  off  the  windmill,  and  removed  the  cloth. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  then  delivered  himself  of  a  most 
emphatic  grace. 

The  wine  and  dessert  being  placed  on  the  table, 
the  ceremony  of  drinking  healths  all  round  was 
performed.  "Your  good  health,  Mrs.  J.,  Belinda, 
my  l<90ve,  your  good  health — wish  you  a  good  'usband. 
— Nimrod,  your  good  health. — James  Green,  your 
good  health.  Old  verd  antique's  good  health. — Your 
uncle's  good  health. — All  the  Green  family. — Stubbs, 
your  good  health. — Spiers,  Crane,  etc.  etc."  The 
bottles  then  pass  round  three  times,  on  each  of 
which  occasions  Mrs.  Jorrocks  makes  them  pay  toll. 
The  fourth  time  she  let  them  pass;  and  Jorrocks 
began  to  grunt,  hem,  and  haw,  and  kick  the  leg  of 
the  table,  by  way  of  giving  her  a  hint  to  depart. 
This  caused  a  dead  silence,  which  at  length  was 
broken  by  the  Yorkshireman's  exclaiming,  "  Horrid 
pause ! " 

"  Horrid  paws  !  "  vociferated  Mrs.  J.,  in  a  towering 
rage,  "  so  would  yours,  let  me  tell  you  sir,  if  you  had 
helped  to  cook  all  that  dinner : "  and  gathering  her- 
self up  and  repeating  the  word,  "  horrid  paws,  indeed, 
I  like  your  imperence,"  she  sailed  out  of  the  room 
like  an  exasperated  turkey-cock ;  her  face,  from  heat, 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    233 

anger,  and,, the  quantity  she  had  drunk,  being  as  red 
as  her  gown.  Indeed,  she  looked  for  all  the  world 
as  if  she  had  been  put  into  a  furnace  and  blown  red 
hot.  Jorrocks  having  o;ot  rid  of  his  "  worser  half,"  as 
he  calls  her,  let  out  a  roef  or  two  of  his  acre  of  white 
waistcoat,  and  each  man  made  himself  comfortable 
according  to  his  acceptation  of  the  term.  "  Gentle- 
men," says  Jorrocks,  "  I'll  trouble  you  to  charge  your 
glasses,  'eel-taps  off— a  bumper  toast — no  sky-lights, 
if  you  please.  Crane,  pass  the  wine — you  are  a 
regular  old  stop-bottle — a  turnpike  gate,  in  fact.  / 
think  you  take  hack  hajids — gentlemen,  are  you  all 
charged? — then  I'll  give  you  The  Noble  Sport  of 
Fox-'Unting  !  gentlemen,  with  three  times  three,  and 
Crane  will  give  the  'ips, — all  ready— now,  'ip,  'ip,  'ip, 
•Aizza,  'uzza,  'uzza, — 'ip,  'ip,  'ip,  'uzza,  'uzza,  'uzza, — 
I  '*ip,  'ip,  'ip,  'uzza,  'uzza,  'uzza — one  cheer  more,  'uzza  !  " 
After  this  followed  "  The  Merry  Harriers,"  then  came 
"The  Staggers,"  after  that  "The  Trigger,  and  bad 
luck  to  Cheetum,"  all  bumpers;  when  Jorrocks, 
having  screwed  his  courage  up  to  the  sticking  place, 
called  for  another,  which  being  complied  with,  he 
rose  and  delivered  himself  as  follows  : — 

"  Gentlemen,  in  rising  to  propose  the  toast  which 
I  am  now  about  to  propose  —  I  feel  —  I  feel  — 
(Yorkshireman — 'Very  queer?')  /.  No,  not  werry 
queer,  and  I'll  trouble  you  to  hold  your  jaw. 
(Laughter.)  Gentlemen,  I  say,  in  rising  to  propose 
the  toast  which  I  am  about  to  give,  I  feel — I  feel — 
(Crane — '  Werry  nervous  ?  ')  /.  No,  not  werry  nervous, 
so  none  of  your  nonsense  ;  let  me  alone,  I  say.  I  say, 
in  rising  to  propose  the  toast  which  I  am  about  to 
give,  I  feel — (Mr.  Spiers — '  Very  foolish  ? '  Nimrod — 
*  Very  funny  ? '  Crane — '  Werry  rum  ? ')  /.  No,  werry 
proud  of  the  distinguished  honour  that  has  been 
conferred  upon  me — conferred  upon  me — conferred 
upon  me  —  distinguished  honour  that  has  been 
conferred   upon   me   by   the   presence,  this   day,   of 


234   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

one  of  the  most  distinguished  men — distinguished 
men — by  the  presence,  this  day,  of  one  of  the  most 
distinguished  men  and  sportsmen — of  modern  times. 
(Cheers.)  Gentlemen — this  is  the  proudest  moment 
of  my  life  !  the  eyes  of  England  are  upon  us  !  I  give 
you  the  health  of  Mr.  H'Apperley  Nimrod."  (Drunk 
with  three  times  three.) 

When  the  cheering  and  dancing  of  the  glasses  had 
somewhat  subsided,  Nimrod  rose  and  spoke  as 
follows : — 

"  Mr.  Jorrocks,  and  Gentlemen, — 

"The  handsome  manner  in  which  my  health  has 
been  proposed  by  our  worthy  and  estimable  host, 
and  the  flattering  reception  it  has  met  with  from 
you,  merit  my  warmest  acknowledgments.  I  should, 
indeed,  be  unworthy  of  the  land  which  gave  me 
birth,  were  I  insensible  of  the  honour  which  has 
just  been  done  me  by  so  enlightened  and  dis- 
tinguished an  assembly  as  the  present.  My  friend, 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  has  been  pleased  to  designate  me  as 
one  of  the  most  distinguished  sportsmen  of  the  day, 
a  title,  however,  to  which  I  feel  I  have  little  claim  ; 
but  this  I  may  say  that  I  have  portrayed  our  great 
national  sports  in  their  brightest  and  most  glowing 
colours,  and  that  on  sporting  subjects  my  pen  shall 
yield  to  none.  (Cheers.)  I  have  ever  been  the 
decided  advocate  of  manly  sports  and  exercises,  not 
only  on  account  of  the  health  and  vigour  they  inspire, 
but  because  I  feel  that  they  are  the  best  safeguards  of 
a  nation's  energies,  and  the  best  protection  against 
luxury,  idleness,  debauchery,  and  effeminacy.  (Cheers.) 
The  authority  of  all  history  informs  us,  that  the 
energies  of  countries  flourished  whilst  manly  sports 
have  flourished,  and  decayed  as  they  died  away. 
(Cheers.)  What  says  Juvenal,  when  speaking  of  the 
entry  of  luxury  into  Rome  ? — 

*  Srevior  armis 
Luxuria  incubuit,  victumque  ulciscitur  orbem.' 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    235 

And  we  need  only  refer  to  ancient  history,  and  to  the 
writings  of  Xenophon,  Cicero,  Horace,  or  Virgil,  for 
evidence  of  the  value  they  have  all  attached  to  the 
encouragement  of  manly,  active,  and  hardy  pursuits, 
and  the  evils  produced  by  a  degenerate  and 
effeminate  life  on  the  manners  and  characters  of  a 
people.  (Cheers.)  Many  of  the  most  eminent 
literary  characters  of  this  and  of  other  countries  have 
been  ardently  attached  to  field  sports ;  and  who  that 
has  experienced  their  beneficial  results  can  doubt 
that  they  are  the  best  promoters  of  the  inetis  sana  in 
corpore  sano — the  body  sound  and  the  understanding 
clear.  (Cheers.)  Gentlemen,  it  is  with  feelings  of 
no  ordinary  gratification  that  I  find  myself  at  the 
social  and  truly  hospitable  board  of  one  of  the 
most  distinguished  ornaments  of  one  of  the  most 
celebrated  Hunts  in  this  great  country,  one  whose 
name  and  fame  have  reached  the  four  corners  of  the 
globe — to  find  myself  after  so  long  an  absence  from 
my  native  land — an  estrangement  from  all  that  has 
ever  been  nearest  and  dearest  to  my  heart,  once 
again  surrounded  by  those  cheerful  countenances 
which  so  well  express  the  honest,  healthful,  pursuits 
of  their  owners.  Let  us,  then,"  added  Nimrod, 
seizing  a  decanter  and  pouring  himself  out  a  bumper, 
"  drink  in  true  Kentish  fire,  the  health  and  prosperity 
of  that  brightest  sample  of  civic  sportsmen,  the  great 
and  renowned  John  Jorrocks  ! " 

Immense  applause  followed  the  conclusion  of  this 
speech,  during  which  time  the  decanters  buzzed 
round  the  table,  and,  the  glasses  being  emptied,  the 
company  rose,  and  a  full  charge  of  Kentish  fire 
followed ;  Mr.  Jorrocks  sitting  all  the  while,  looking 
as  uncomfortable  as  men  in  his  situation  generally  do. 

The  cheering  having  subsided,  and  the  parties 
having  resumed  their  seats,  it  was  his  turn  to  rise ; 
so,  getting  on  his  legs,  he  essayed  to  speak,  but 
finding,  as  many  men  do,  that  his  ideas  deserted  him 


236   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

the  moment  the  "eyes  of  England"  were  turned 
upon  him,  after  two  or  three  hitches  of  his  nankeens, 
and  as  many  hems  and  haws,  he  very  coolly  resumed 
his  seat,  and  spoke  as  follows  : — 

"Gentlemen,    unaccustomed   as    I    am    to   public 

speaking,    I   am    quite   taken   aback    by   this   werry 

unexpected    compliment — (cheers) ; — never    since    I 

filled  the  h'ancicnt  and  h'onerable  h'office  of  church- 

Avarden  in  the  populous  parish  of  St.  Eotolph  Without, 

have   I    experienced   a    gratification    equal    to    the 

present.     I  thank  you  from  the  werry  bottom  of  my 

breeches-pocket.      (Applause.)      Gentlemen,  I'm   no 

"h'orator,  but  I'm  a  h'onest  man.     (Cheers.)     I  should 

indeed  be  undeserving  the  name  of  a  sportsman — 

undeserving  of  being  a  member  of  that  great  and 

justly    celebrated    'unt,    of    which    Mr.    H'Apperley 

Nimrod  has  spun  so  handsome  and  flattering  a  yarn, 

if  I  did  not  feel  deeply  proud  of  the  compliment  you 

have  paid  it.     It  is  impossible  for  me  to  follow  that 

•great  sporting  scholar  fairly  over  the  ridge  and  furrow 

of  his  werry  intricate  and  elegant  h'oration,  for  there 

.are  many  of  those  fine  gentlemen's  names — French, 

I  presume — that  he  mentioned,  that  I  never  heard 

of  before,    and   cannot   recollect ;    but   if    you    will 

.allow  me  to  run  'eel  a  little,  I  would  make  a  few 

h'observations  on  a  few  of  his  h'observations.     Mr. 

H'Apperley  Nimrod,  gentlemen,  was  pleased  to  pay 

a  compliment   to  what  he  was  pleased  to  call  my 

■something  'ospitality.     I  am  extremely  obliged  to  him 

for  it.     To  be  surrounded  by  one's  friends  is  in  my 

mind     the     'Ai'    of    'uman     'appiness.     (Cheers.) 

Gentlemen,    I   am   most   proud   of    the    honour   of 

:seeing  you  all  here  to-day,  and  I  hope  the  grub  has 

been  to  your  likin' — (cheers), — if  not,  I'll  discharge 

my  butcher.     On  the  score  of  quantity  there  might 

be   a  little   deficiency,  but   I  hope  the  quality  was 

prime.     Another   time    this   shall    be   all    remedied. 

<|Cheers.)     Gentlemen,    I   understand   those    cheers, 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    237 

and  I'm  flattered  by  them — /  likes  'ospitality  !  I'm 
not  the  man  to  keep  my  butter  in  a  'pike-ticket,  or 
my  coals  in  a  quart  pot.  (Immense  cheering.) 
Gentlemen,  these  are  my  sentiments,  I  leaves  the 
flowers  of  speech  to  them  as  is  better  acquainted 
with  botany.  (Laughter.)  I  likes  plain  English, 
both  in  eating  and  talking,  and  I'm  happy  to  see  Mr. 
H'Apperley  Nimrod  has  not  forgot  his,  and  can  put 
up  with  our  homely  fare,  and  do  without  pantaloon 
cutlets,^  blankets  of  woe,'-^  and  such  like  miseries.  I 
hates  their  'orse  douvers  (hors-d'oeuvres),  their  rots, 
and  their  poisons  (poissons) ;  'ord  rot  'em,  they  near 
killed  me,  and  right  glad  am  I  to  get  a  glass  of  old 
British  black  strap.  And  talking  of  black  strap, 
gentlemen,  I  call  on  old  Crane,  the  man  what 
supplies  it,  to  tip  us  a  song.  So  now  I'm  finished, 
and  you,  Crane,  lap  up  your  liquor  and  begin." 
(Applause.) 

Crane  was  shy — unused  to  sing  in  company — never- 
theless, if  it  was  the  wish  of  the  party,  and  it  would 
oblige  his  good  customer,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  he  would 
try  his  hand  at  a  stave  or  two  made  by  himself^  in 
honour  of  the  immortal  Surrey.  Having  emptied  his 
glass  and  cleared  his  windpipe,  Crane  commenced  : — 

'*  Here's  a  health  to  them  that  can  ride  ! 
Here's  a  health  to  them  that  can  ride  ! 
And  those  that  don't  wish  good  luck  to  the  cattse 
May  they  roast  by  their  own  fireside  ! 
It's  good  to  drown  care  in  the  chase, 
It's  good  to  drown  care  in  the  bowl, 
It's  good  to  support  Daniel  Haigh  and  his  hounds, 
Here's  his  health  from  the  depth  of  my  soul. 

1  "  Cotelette  en  papillote." 

2  '*  Blanquette  de  veau." 

^  Crane  deceived  himself  when  he  said  he  wrote  this  song. 
It  was  published  in  the  Sporting  Magazine  before  he  was  a 
member  of  the  Hunt.  It  is  in  honour  of  the  popular  sportsman 
who  for  a  long  series  of  years  has  hunted  Surrey  with  a  patience 
and  keenness  worthy  of  a  better  country. 


238   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

CHORUS. 

Hurrah  for  the  loud  tally-ho  ! 

Hurrah  for  the  loud  tally-ho  ! 

It's  good  to  support  Daniel  Haigh  and  his  hounds, 

And  echo  the  shrill  tally-ho  ! 

"  Here's  a  health  to  them  that  can  ride  ! 
Here's  a  health  to  them  that  ride  bold  ! 
May  the  leaps  and  the  dangers  that  each  has  defied, 
In  columns  of  sporting  be  told  ! 
Here's  freedom  to  him  that  would  walk  ! 
Here's  freedom  to  him  that  would  ride  ! 
There's  none  ever  feared  that  the  horn  should  be  heard 
Who  the  joys  of  the  chase  ever  tried. 

Hurrah  for  the  loud  tally-ho  ! 

Hurrah  for  the  loud  tally-ho  ! 

It's  good  to  support  Daniel  Haigh  and  his  hounds, 

And  halloo  the  loud  tally-ho  ! " 

"  Beautiful !  beautiful ! "  exclaimed  Jorrocks,  clap- 
ping his  hands  and  stamping  as  Crane  had  ceased. 

"  A  werrj-  good  song,  and  it's  wcrry  well  sung, 
Jolly  companions  everyone  ! 

"  Gentlemen,  pray  charge  your  glasses — there's  one 
toast  we  must  drink  in  a  bumper  if  we  ne'er  take  a 
bumper  again.  Mr.  Spiers,  pray  charge  your  glass — 
Mr.  Stubbs,  vy  don't  you  fill  up?  Mr.  Nimrod,  off 
with  your  'eel  taps,  pray — I'll  give  ye  the  'Surrey 
'Unt,'  with  all  my  'art  and  soul.  Crane,  my  boy, 
here's  your  werry  good  health,  and  thanks  for  your 
song ! "  (All  drink  the  Surrey  Hunt  and  Crane's 
good  health,  with  applause,  which  brings  him  on  his 
legs  with  the  following  speech.) 

"  Gentlemen,  unaccustomed  as  I  am  to  public 
speaking  —  (laughter)  —  I  beg  leave,  on  behalf  of 
myself  and  the  absent  members  of  the  Surrey  'Unt, 
to  return  you  our  own  most  'artfelt  thanks  for  the 
flattering  compliment  you  have  just  paid  us,  and  to 
assure  you  that  the  esteem  and  approbation  of  our 
fellow-sportsmen  is  to  us  the  magnum  bomati  of  all 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  DINNER  PARTY    239 

earthly 'appiness.  (Cheers  and  laughter.)  Gentlemen, 
I  will  not  trespass  longer  upon  your  valuable  time, 
but  as  you  seem  to  enjoy  this  wine  of  my  friend  Mr. 
Jorrocks's,  I  may  just  say  that  I  have  got  some  more 
of  the  same  quality  left,  at  from  forty-two  to  forty- 
eight  shillings  a  dozen,  also  some  good  stout  draught 
port,  at  ten-and-sixpence  a  gallon — some  ditto  werry 
superior  at  fifteen ;  also  foreign  and  British  spirits, 
and  Dutch  liqueurs,  rich  and  rare." 

The  conclusion  of  the  vintner's  address  was  drowned 
in  shouts  of  laughter.  Mr.  Jorrocks  then  called  upon 
the  company  in  succession  for  a  toast,  a  song,  or  a 
sentiment.  Nimrod  gave,  "The  Queen ^  and  her 
Stag-hounds";  Crane  gave,  "Champagne  to  our  real 
friends,  and  real  pain  to  our  sham  friends " ;  Green 
sang,  "I'd  be  a  Butterfly";  Mr.  Stubbs  gave, 
"  Honest  Men  and  Bonnie  Lasses  " ;  and  Mr.  Spiers, 
like  a  patriotic  printer,  gave  "The  Liberty  of  the 
Press,"  which  he  said  was  like  fox-hunting — "  if  we  have 
it  not,  we  die  " — all  of  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  applauded 
as  if  he  had  never  heard  them  before,  and  drank  in 
bumpers.  It  was  evident  that  unless  tea  was  speedily 
announced,  he  would  soon  become — 

"  O'er  the  ills  of  life  victorious," 

for  he  had  pocketed  his  wig,  and  had  been  clipping 
the  Queen's  English  for  some  time.  After  a  pause, 
during  which  his  cheeks  twice  changed  colour,  from 
red  to  green  and  back  to  red,  he  again  called  for  a 
bumper  toast,  which  he  prefaced  with  the  following 
speech,  or  parts  of  a  speech  : — 

"  Gentlemen, — in  rising — propose  toast  about  to 
give — feel  werry — feel  werry — (Yorkshireman,  '  Werry 
muzzy  ? ')  J. — feel  werry — (Mr.  Spiers,  '  Werry  sick  ? ') 
/. — werry — (Crane,  *  Werry  thirsty  ? ')  J. — feel  werry — 

^  To  sa%'e  any  pains-taking  critic  the  trouble  of  remarking 
that  we  laid  the  earlier  part  of  these  scenes  in  the  late  King's 
time,  we  beg  to  say  that  "  we  know  it,''' 


24P   JORROCKS'S  JAUNTS  AND  JOLLITIES 

(Nimrod,  '  Werry  wise  ? ')  /. — no  ;  but  werry  sensible 
— great  compliment — eyes  of  England  upon  us — give 
you  the  health — Mr.  H'Apperley  Nimrod — three  times 
three ! " 

He  then  attempted  to  rise  for  the  purpose  of 
marking  the  time,  but  his  legs  deserted  his  body, 
and,  after  two  or  three  lurches,  down  he  went  with 
a  tremendous  thump  under  the  table.  He  called 
first  for  "  Batsay,"  then  for  "  Binjimin,"  and,  game  to 
the  last,  blurted  out,  "  Lift  me  up  ! — tie  me  in  my 
chair  ! — fill  my  glass  ! " 


THE    END 


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